Just to clarify my previous post, if you want to disable JavaScript in IE, you need to disable Active Scripting. IE doesn’t call it JavaScript for some reason.
Blue Sky, there is a distinct possibility that your step-daughter downloaded it and doesn’t know that she downloaded anything. I’m currently a LAN Administrator as well as a Help Desk lead, and a lot of our users end up with Gator on their machines and had no idea how it got there. Some of them I’m sure are bullshitting me, but a lot of them are digitally challenged, and wouldn’t have any idea if they had installed anything. Gator, and a half dozen other types of spyware, are extremely subtle in their infiltration of a person’s machine. If you install Kazaa, for example, you end up with Gator. To the best of my knowledge, on the newer versions of Kazaa, you cannot avoid it unless you purchase Kazaa. And given the tone of your posts, I’m willing to wager that she’s more than aware of your discontent of the current situation, and therefore probably is not going to want to admit anything to you even if she IS aware she did it.
As far as the cheat codes, what kind of game? Playstation? Nintendo? Many times, those codes are to unlock special features in the game, not just to make yourself invincible. I used to play Gran Tourismo, and after hours upon hours of failing my qualifies, I gave up and used a friend’s gameshark to unlock the other cars in the game. What the hell fun is a game if you pay $40-60 for the damn thing and all you ever get to drive is a fuckin’ Subaru? Shit, I could have rented a real Subaru for all day for that price. Anyway, the term “cheats” doesn’t always mean cheat. Sometimes it’s just for unlocking something, and since the games cost a lot of money, I’d say more power to them, they might as well enjoy the whole thing. Either way, I don’t see how that injures you personally; I think you’re being a little overly critical there.
Your step-daughter comes and goes as she pleases? …And? Shit, she’s 21 man. Of COURSE she comes and goes as she pleases. And where she goes and what she does is none…of…your…business. She is a grown woman, and your time for teaching her anything is over, if it was there at all. Step-parents have the short end of the stick in a marriage. That’s just the way it is. They have no right to punish, they have no right to discipline. That’s just the way the law is, like it or not. If you’ve been a step-parent for 8 years now, you ought to know that by now. You knew you were marrying a woman with teens and you married her anyway. You volunteered for the job. You say you don’t know what to do but sit back and watch it happen. In truth, there IS nothing you can legally do but sit back and watch it happen. You can offer helpful suggestions, but continually challenging her isn’t going to accomplish anything positive. You need to understand that Mrs. Blue has been with her daughter 13 years longer than she’s been with you. If you force her to choose between you two, what do you think her choice will be?
I hear you bitching about her not studying enough, or having an attitude about her studies, but you ignore the good things; she’s graduated high school, she’s in college, she is holding a job, she is paying insurance, etc. You’ve got a pretty good kid there if she’s doing that many things. Not getting along with her? Of course not! She’s still living at home. That seldom works smoothly past 19. Are you really having that hard of a time step-parenting after doing it for 8 years, or are you just tired of her being in the house? Because that’s kind of what it sounds like.
Well, if the entire problem is you think she deliberately tried to sabotage your computer, just ban her from it, and your step-daughter will just be stuck with whatever leftovers you gave her in your old computer (a new hard drive is not really an upgrade…that only helps with storage space. If you want to upgrade her machine, give her more RAM or something equally useful), or she’ll have to go to the library to study. That’ll teach her for downloading cheat codes, dammit. Just remember though: the more petty your disagreements get, the more you will alienate your family. You say that if it were not for the kids, you and your wife would get along great. I don’t know if that’s very reassuring. Those kids are what a family is all about. They’re suppose to be your future, not your adversary.
Blue,
Sounds to me like you are being more than fair and perfectly reasonable. To be honest the girl I am with now has some of the traits your wife seems to have, notably the inability to use discipline. We have 2 cats who, on occasion, misbehave. I really think its beyond her capacity to tell them when they are doing something wrong. If we have kids together I *know that any kind of discipline will fall to me and its scary. I don’t want to be the bad guy. But what else can you do? The only other choice is to let it happen and you strike me as the kind of guy that wouldn’t be able to just let it go. Me either.
Never said it was my business.
I have come to terms with this.
She squeaked out of high school. She pays insurance and complains that her part is too high. I told her that if she could find full coverage insurance (which she must carry since the car is still being paid for) that I would refund what she had paid. After a week of trying, she gave up. She complains about having to live at home and how she has no freedom! How much more freedom can she get? No rent, free food & laundry service, and can come and go as she pleases!
I couldn’t afford to buy a new computer when hers crashed. She refuses to spent money on anything other hunting equipment. (She could have bought a top-of-the-line system by now). Replacing the harddrive was the best I could in the meantime. Granted it is an older Pentium 1 machine, but for as little as she uses it, it’s just fine.
I don’t think she deliberately tried to screw up the computer. She just not very careful in how she surfs. I have run into sites (actually, the same game cheat sites she went to) that have tried to induce Gator and have never had it download when I clicked the “No” button. Maybe their tactics have changed, who knows anymore.
I don’t recall saying that. I said that the disciplining of the children is our only point of contention. We all get along just fine 90% of the time. I just don’t want to see the kids’ lives ruined because they haven’t learned the proper way to deal with life has in store for them.Mommy won’t always be there to get them out trouble.
That’s not what you said. In your OP, you said this:
“My wife agrees that she needs to grow up, but refuses to put her foot down (the kids are the only trouble spot we have in our marriage). Whenever I do, she gets upset. I hate being in that situation.”
Perhaps that was misunderstood. That sentence could go either way.
Such is the life of a step-parent. I know it sucks, believe me. I have three sons of my own and one step-son. Of course, that means my wife has three step-sons. There is not much harder in a family than having three kids that you cannot legally discipline. But when an adult knows that and enters the marriage anyway, they lose the right to complain about it, because they already knew the job and took it nevertheless.
Well, if she can’t be responsible with your computer, then you’re doing the right thing by restricting her from it. As far as the rest of her life, she’s an adult and she should be given some leeway. No, she’s not going to make decisions that you will deem mature…Maybe you did when you were 21, but a lot of 21 year olds don’t. Part of the problem is probably because she’s still living at home. Maybe she needs to get out on her own before she can learn the value of earning things.
Let’s be honest here: Mr. Blue Sky is helping support this girl. I am not getting the impression that this girl is 100% self-sufficient and independent. When someone (no matter what age) is living under someone else’s roof, rent free, being partially supported by someone else, they are going to experience restrictions from that situation. If the girl doesn’t like the restrictions, she can move out, support herself, and not have to deal with them anymore.
As far as her computer goes: She should be totally on her own on that. She wants to spend her money on other things? Fine. So her computer is crap and she doesn’t care? Fine. She shouldn’t be allowed to use someone else’s computer just because hers is crap. When having a crappy computer becomes enough of a problem for her, she’ll put her money into fixing it or buying something newer. If not, then she should deal with the cheaper, crappier computer. It’s all her choice. Either way, Mr. Blue Sky should never, NEVER feel obligated to allow this girl to use his computer, under the premise that “she needs to get her schoolwork done!” Bullshit. She obviously is capable of taking care of her computer needs by herself.
Just to give you an idea where her money goes, late last year she bought a black powder rifle. A gun she can hunt with only a couple of weeks out of the year. It cost over $200. She had also bought various and sundry accessories totalling more than $250. Overall, she has probably spent nearly $600 on items she can only use for a short time each year. For that money, she could have gotten a computer. Not top-of-the-line, but I’ve seen e-Machines for $500 than are much more advanced that what she has now. A one-time purchase she’ll be able to use for several years Of course, it IS her money and she can do with it whatever she wants. She just doesn’t see the whole picture.
She has figured that she will get back about $800 in tax money come refund time. Maybe she’ll think about buying a new system.
Maybe it’s time for her to think about moving out. If she can afford rifles but can’t afford to pay you for her rent and so forth as you indicated earlier, then she’s just using her situation.
Her tax money ought to be going toward getting her own apartment. At 21, it’s time she was on her own.
This appears to have gotten lost in the flood of messages, so I wanted to highlight this recommendation.
I use two different accounts on my own home PC. One is an admin account. This account almost never goes online. The other is my personal account, with admin privileges disabled, which I use for 99% of my web browsing. If I have a program patch or some other exe to run or install, I download it with my personal account, log off, switch accounts, and run the executable. Kind of a pain, but I have never had any problems with these sneaky executables being able to install themselves under my non-admin account.
I also run SpywareBlaster, which disables the ActiveX and related program components used to deliver scumcode.
I’m using Windows Me (I know, I know).
The next computer I get will have XP Pro.
In short, this girl is a spoilt and selfish little bitch.
The person this is down to, IMO, is Mr Blue Sky’s wife. He has had eight (?) years of marriage of him helping support, trying to help co-parent (if thwarted in the discipline stakes), and tolerating this girl. Now it’s time for him and his wife, and their marriage, to have priority.
Now the girl is an adult. It’s time for her to either act more adult and show respect, or move out. I don’t see that Mr Blue has any further financial or moral duty to support this girl.
He needs to suggest to his wife that while she put her daughter first in terms of the home all these years, that is now no longer appropriate.
I read and hear again and again of selfish fucking young people post High School age, even university age, who live rent free in their parental home, demanding money and services for this and that, and spending all their personal income on hobbies and going out. Well: that’s fine when you were a kid. Your pocket money is to spend on toys and stuff, study was the main thing. Now: you fucking well pay your way or get out.
Otherwise it’s just a step away from that Italian man in his thirties who successfully sued his father for maintenance and support.