Oh, I guess I’ll take this 2-week old rotten fish that I can microwave on high for 15-20 minutes, and at the same time create a giant cloud of putrid aroma for all my officemates to enjoy!!
Like a stealth bomber, I sneak in and out of the breakroom. All I can hear are the joyous cries of * “Who cooked that stanky fish for lunch??!!!”* as I sprint down the hallway back to my cubicle/rat’s nest.
Everyone in the break room glance accusingly at one another but can only shrug their shoulders because I’ve already wolfed it down–It may stink to high heaven, but boy is it tasty!!!
Bonus: The longer the odor lingers the stronger it becomes!
I really like to think of myself as the Fish Fairy…no one actually sees me, but EVERYONE knows I’ve been there.
In a way, it’s kind of like a random act of kindness.
Maybe tomorrow I’ll bring…pigs feet marinated in vinegar and parmesan cheese!!
It’s YOU??? You, you , skanky fish microwaver, you! I sit right outside of the little cube they call the “kitchen.” How DARE you nuke the nastiest, deadest fish of all time?
May you be buried alice with rotten fish heads, and very overripe caviar.
Someone at my workplace often heats up some Asian dish that, honest to God, smells to me like Kitty Litter…hot Kitty Litter. Everyone hates the smell but no-one else makes the Kitty Litter connection. It is the only cooking smell I have ever heard anyone complain about.
Umm…do you work where I work? I was feeling bad today, really sick, and took a half-day off this afternoon. I might not have, but the thing that pushed me over the edge was a person microwaving and burning some sort of hideous fish dinner! What the fuck was it, Desert Storm surplus “Swanson’s Angry Man Coelacanth and Peas?” “Marie Calender’s Mississippi Sewage Treatment Plant-Raised Catfish”? A bag of “questionable” crawdads from last month’s pig-out at “Joe’s Crab Shack”?
It was so horrific when the smell hit me, my stomach did that gurgle, and small burp, that says “FIND A TOILET NOW. NO, DON’T GO BACK TO YOUR DESK, FIND A TOILET NOW OR ELSE I WILL PUNISH YOU BY BARFING ALL OVER A VP.”
Oh god. Squishy fishy. I had some people in my building who brought fish or some other stinky food almost every damn day. It was enough to gag a maggot.
We don’t have fish microwavers, thank Og, but we do have an entire campus full of people who cannot microwave popcorn without burning it to a blackened hulk.
Shouldn’t you like the smell of fish hanging over the office?
There are some things that were never meant for the microwave. Legomen and fish top the list.
I’ll admit it - the last time someone did this, I retaliated by putting a bag of microwave popcorn in, setting the timer for 10:00, and conveniently “forgetting” about it.
(This is not a hijack and I didn’t accidently post in the wrong thread. This made perfect sense to me five minutes ago. Whether I can convey it coherently is another matter…)
In the Hellboy story “The Chained Coffin,” the paranormal investigator Hellboy goes through a very emotionally trying experience…one which seems to reveal very disturbing truths about his birth and his identity. The story is told in the form of a letter that Hellboy has written to his friend and colleague Abe and the last few lines have always stuck with me…
“On a lighter note, I hear there have been new sightings of the West Virginia Moth-Man. That might be something to look into for a while. I’d dearly love to see a Moth-Man.”
The Pit lately has seemed truly vicious and poisonous…and the hate has come across as much more personal than usual. More and more I’ve been hoping for a return to good, snarky invective… lively sparring and healthy venting.
In short: * “I’d dearly love to see a good co-worker rant.”*
So…
thank you, HelloKitty for pitting the Workplace Fish Microwaver. Whoever it is…they sound like a real asshole.
Last place I worked we had a woman that would bring in raw chicken breasts, slather them with Italian dressing and then nuke them. I am not sure what was worse, the hellish stench or the sight of her cramming the resulting gelatinous sludge into her maw.
Try having a bathroom, oft used by the numerous Atkins lovin’ cow-orkers less than 10’ from the microwave.
It’s not uncommon to be double slammed by the bathroom stank AND either popcorn nuked to ash or rancid food that apparently was dug from a landfill and repackaged as a commestible.
Try someone microwaving natto, a Japanese “delicacy” which is fermented - OK, rotted - soybeans. It looks, smells, and tastes {and I’m assuming here} like the contents of a week-old condom that’s been left in a greenhouse for a week to putresce in an unwashed rugby sock. I have never seen a room clear faster.
Oh, God, we’ve had those at every single call center I’ve ever worked at. They sort of have an excuse because those microwaves are really powerful and the popcorn doesn’t have to be cooked as long as it says on the package. Someone taped signs to the machines that said, “You only have to cook popcorn for a minute and a half,” but it did no good.
