Stardate: a couple of weekends ago. I go down to Austin for a college bowl tournament. Get a speeding ticket for 92 in a 70: 285 dollars. Shit. We lose both tournaments, academic and pop culture.
Warp speed to last weekend. I go back up home to Fayetteville to work at my old McDonald’s to get some money. Saturday night, I get a ticket for 50 in a 35. Shit.
(Note at this point: I’ve been driving for almost 3 years and I get 2 tickets in a week??? Shit.)
In the meantime, I get called to the business office at our school Turns out that they gave me too big of a refund and they want their $92.92 back. Shit.
But the fun part was today. I was driving home (b/c I went home to work) and I took this back road I’ve never taken before. I haven’t seen a person or city in 30 minutes and I have to piss. Badly. Look over in the passenger seat, and see a mountain dew bottle. (How appropriate, I know.) No! That would never work! But then again, neither would pissing my pants. So, I tried it. I ran into the following roadblocks:
Being uncircumsized makes pissing in a bottle harder. Solution: Roll foreskin back.
Head of penis too large to fit in bottle. Solution: Align hole with bottle, hope for best.
Creating an airtight seal with penis head on bottle makes pressure build up inside. Solution: Leave a little airspace.
Having to piss very badly means there’s a lot of piss. Consequence: I filled up a **whole damn 20 oz bottle, and still had to piss. **
Retrospectively, though, it was funny. But probably something I won’t repeat.
Oh, and re: beginning of message: I hate speeding tickets. (Yes, I know the solution is to not speed, but both times I just happened to get caught going the most above the speed limit I went the entire trip.)
Here I thought this was going to be a story about open-alcohol-containers-law. I suppose you should be thankful it isn’t!
One notes, BTW, that it was quite amazing that the Jews foresaw and solved problems with pissing in Mountain Dew bottles thousands of years before they were even invented.