In Which Lissa Resents a Baby Shower Invitation

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

At our family’s Easter gathering, my cousin “Frank’s” girlfriend showed up. She didn’t stay for dinner, but only long enough to distribute invitations to her baby shower. After she left, we all groaned.

“Frank” is a loser of the highest caliber. An un-employed junkie who lives with his mother, his girlfriend, whom, by the way, he recently moved into his mother’s home, is heavily pregnant. The girlfriend seems nice enough, judging by as much as can be discerned from a three-minute visit, but, from what I’ve heard, she’s not much more responsible than “Frank.”

This was the first time I had ever met the girlfriend. I haven’t seen “Frank” in two years, nor do I wish to. (He’s not welcome in any of our homes because jewelery and prescriptions tend to dissapear after his visits.) Yet, when I went to collect my things, an invitation envelope was sticking up out of the front pocket of my purse.

Considering “Frank” and I are not close, nor do I know the girlfriend, I saw immediately that it was merely a plea for a gift. I do feel sorry for the girlfriend, and especially for the baby, who are going to have it pretty rough, but I’m still a bit irritated.

My mother suggested we all just give her money, to which Auntie replied that “Frank” would just take it and buy drugs. We then decided just to go out and buy practical gifts which “Frank” couldn’t sell, such as baby creams and diapers.

I made the girlfriend a small gift bag of these items, and gave it to my sister, who says she’ll attend the shower and deliver all of the gifts for those who do not wish to go. (Which is pretty much everybody.) I did it for the poor baby, who doesn’t deserve what’s going to happen to him, and not for “Frank” or his girlfriend, who are both irresponsible people. However, I still have a mean, angry spot of resentment festering in me at being approached for a gift.

2

I think you did fine. If you didn’t want to go to the shower, you could have just declined the invitation and let it go at that. It was nice of the family to contribute gifts of exactly the sort that you did. BTW, it is considered very bad form to hostess your own shower. It is supposed to be done by the friends of the mother-to-be, who gather to wish her well.

3

I’m sure it’s just a signifier of how bad things are that she didn’t have anyone to give the shower for her. Icky situation.

I hope that the baby’s arrival will be some miraculous kick in the pants for Frank to get his act together.

4

That’s what we thought with his first child. That mother grew fed up with his sloth and left to get herself and her child a life. Smart girl.

Yeah, we discussed that at length after she left. The general concensus was that “Frank” and the girlfriend aren’t sticklers for etiquette. That’s the least of their flaws.

5

Wow. Poor kid.

6

I also (literally) have a cousin, Frank, who is exactly as you described! He’s been on disability for over 20 years and is currently on his 3rd wife. He deals drugs. I’m wondering if we have the same cousin. We also have the same dilemma. Not only do we never see the wife and child again after the shower, but we’ve heard that Frank won’t let her take anything that “his family” has bought for the child. Grrr.

The doling out of the invitations at a party could be a scene from my life. One cousin, Kathy (Frank’s sister) showed up at a shower for the first time in over 20 years recently. We all wondered what was up and sure enough, she had the nerve to pass out graduation “announcements” (e.g. “demands for gifts”) for her daughter. As if the aunts should be expected to send a gift to their great niece who they hadn’t seen in decades.

People are nervy. I’d pipe up and say something if it wasn’t for my dear aunt who did the best she could raising 4 kids on her own after her dead beat husband abandoned them.

7

I agree. And, junkies wonder why people “hate” them, when they’re “not hurting anyone”.

I don’t blame you for being miffed, Lissa, but I think you did the right thing. The baby will need things “Frank” isn’t going to be able to supply. So, it was very nice of you, and your family, to provide some of them. And, I feel badly for the girlfriend, as well. She obviously felt badly about the ploy, or she would have stuck around, IMO.

8

A suggestion. Pampers offers a “club” where people can buy a year’s worth (or whatever) of diapers at once, then the parents get coupons good for one pack (or whatever) of diapers. You might want to think about that as a way of ensuring that the baby has what s/he needs.

You can also buy Similac formula via mail order and have it sent directly to the parents. Most stores won’t take formula back without a receipt, so you don’t have to worry about Frank returning it for the cash.

Robin

9

Another thought, in terms of helping the baby, is to purchase stuff that she’ll need down the road, when most of the newborn stuff is too small. Something that a 1-year-old can use: bigger diapers, clothes, shoes. That way, the mother will have something for the baby when Frank is squandering shoe money in a pool hall (hmmm…I may have actually lived this scenario myself!).

10

I also have a cousin “Frank”. He’s not a junkie as far as I know, just chronically irresponsible. He did some time a couple years ago for a bank robbery, but other than that he’s usually only in small-time trouble. At Easter this past weekend, he was there with his newest girlfriend who is due to deliver the same day as me in June. Another cousin is throwing her a shower, and while she seemed like a perfectly nice girl, and I don’t harbor any ill will toward her I really hate supporting "Frank"s lifestyle in any way. This is his fourth child, with the fourth different woman–and aside from the showers where I met each mother, and the baptismals where I saw each baby–I haven’t ever seen hide nor hair of any of the other kids or moms. I can’t help but feel like I should run up to this poor girl and tell her to run away as fast as humanly possible.
I’ll go, but I don’t plan on having fun dammit!

But it sounds like you did the right thing Lissa. Practical items are way more useful in the long run than cutesy little outfits or complicated gagets anyway. But, in all honesty, you can never overestimate a junkie’s creativity in getting $ from goods. Dealers often have kids too, and some are willing to barter. When my ex was still around, he actually tried to trade our son’s playpen for dope. If I hadn’t been there to ask him why he was walking out the door with it, that thing would have been long gone. And that’s just one of many examples… Blah.

11

I would normally not give a gift to anyone who is crass enough to ask for one. But in this case, the poor baby is the one who suffers. It was the the right thing, and a very nice thing, to do what you did. I definitely agree on not giving money, because that kid will never see a dime’s worth of it.

Poor child. Well, I think that once in a blue moon, having a kid triggers a lifestyle change for unemployed irresponsible junkie types. Maybe it will happen in this case. I hope, for the baby’s sake.

12

This is just so sad. Life is too hard to begin it like this.

13

My sister just got a nanny job for a 5-year-old whose grandparents just got custody (for a year, at least) of her from her junkie mother. The poor kid has been through every kind of abuse – physical, emotional, sexual – you can imagine. At least she’s in a good situation now.

My suggestion: Even if you can’t stand Frank, keep an occasional eye out on the GF and the baby. And if it looks like anything like the abuse my sister’s young charge went through is going on, contact child protective services. That’s what they’re there for. It might be the best gift you could give this child in the long run.

14

I hate to say this, but having a baby almost never changes a junkie’s life for the better. External wake-up calls don’t work very often.

Hopefully this girl isn’t in as bad a shape as your cousin, and when she sees the writing on the wall, she will leave with the child.

Frank sounds like a very sick guy, and babies aren’t cures for what ails him.

You did the right thing about the shower invite. It’s a rotten position to be placed in, but what can you do.

15

Wait-she’s inviting people to HER shower?

EEek-etiquette no no!!!

16

Yes, as was discussed, but I think etiquette faux pas are the least of this family’s concerns.

17

Not only inviting her own guest, but if I read the OP correctly, she’s even hiding the invitation!

18

Lissa, you certainly handled things better than I did when I got invited to a family baby shower. That particular situation was a bit better than yours - the showeree in question was my cousin, who is not a junkie or anything, but she is chronically stupid.

Long story short, I actually attended my cousin’s shower, which was probably without question one of the biggest mistakes I ever made. I also made a scene, which in retrospect was incredibly unfair (although, I still stand by the comments I made as absolutely true). If I had to do it all over, I would have done what I ended up doing when this same cousin threw herself a combination third baby shower - slash - second bridal shower.

Namely, politely declined the invitation, saying I had “other commitments” - which turned out to be sitting at home with my husband, drinking myself stupid, wrapping loose change, and heckling the Miss American pageant on T.V. But you’re a bigger person than I am, beacuse you at least sent a gift.

19

[Hijack]
Whoa! Handing out a graduation announcement equates to a gift demand? Good lord, since when?
I’m graduating college in about a month, and I would have sent out announcements to family I don’t really keep in touch with, just because I thought it was a nice thing to do. You know, keep your family posted? I had no idea it was seen as a smarmy gift-grubbing thing. Guess I won’t be sending out announcements, heh.
Are wedding announcements also considered bad form? Mr. Armadillo and I don’t want much of a ceremony or big hoo-ha, but we did think it might be nice to send out announcements to, yanno, let people know we got married.

[/hijack]

Peace,
~mixie

20

I sent out announcements when I graduated. I neither expected nor received any gifts. When we eloped, we didn’t send announcements, but I did write letters to let the family know. One of my husband’s aunts sent a gift - also unexpected.

I see an announcement as just that. Then again, I don’t see an invitation as a demand for gifts either. And I always thought a gift was something freely given as a token of affection.

Am I showing my age?