In which my friends stop me from putting poop in a purse

The BBQ Pit
1

So. I have an ebay buyer whom a mate has christened “Ebay Whore”. Ebay Whore bought a bag from me and I forgot to send it. I should have sent it by last Wednesday but didn’t. My fault, but it’s been one of those times when your husband breaks his leg and dislocates his ankle and then gets a pressure area which you have to dress and you have to do everything for him as well as everything he normally does and go from work to water polo to work to rowing to fix the flight of steps your husband obliterated when he tried to drive a bobcat down them to work to debating to lather rinse repeat. None of which of course is the buyer’s problem, don’t get me wrong. So when Ebay Whore messaged me on Monday to ask if I had sent it, I responded:

Hi Ebay Whore,
I am so sorry - I overlooked it! I can put it in an express post if you still want it - or did you need it for an event? Apologies again!
Bathsheba

Here’s Ebay Whore’s response:

I thought you had posted it since you marked it shipped. I assumed that because I bought and paid for it that there was a contract or sale. Did you no longer want to sell it? In that case I will file a complaint with eBay for non-performance.

So then I said:

Hi Ebay Whore,

Apologies for any misunderstanding. I was worried that you might have needed it for a function and it wasn’t going to arrive in time. I thought you might want to cancel the sale in that instance.

As I said, I can post the bag express post at my own cost which is the only way I can make this up to you. Please advise.

Bathsheba

And then I found these beauties in Paypal:

From Buyer – Ebay Whore
02/06/2014 19:07 PDT
it’s disappointing that you would “overlook” posting an item that was bought and paid without delay.

Nice use of quote marks, “bitch”.
Seventeen years of selling on ebay with 100% positive feedback and suddenly I have decided to take money and not send items and then lie about it. Yes. That’s what happened here.

And yes, I usually only “overlook” posting those items which haven’t been paid for without delay. I’m selective in my “overlooking”. That said, I will admit here to “overlooking” posting those items which haven’t been bought.

From Buyer – Ebay Whore
02/06/2014 19:08 PDT
additionally, you had marked the item as shipped. i only found out you hadn’t shipped it when i contacted you a week after the sale.

And your point is?
I think her shift key is broken.

From Buyer – Ebay Whore
02/06/2014 19:22 PDT
i have in fact rechecked my payment details and it will be two weeks this Friday since the sale was concluded on eBay

And next Friday it will be three weeks. The Friday after that it will be four weeks. And the Friday after that it will be five weeks. (NB she’s posting this on the Monday, WTF).

Nonetheless, I am currently channeling Jonah’s Mr Joseph and he said, “You can see she’s a fuckwit so stop fucking talking to her”. So instead I left this response on Paypal;

Have explained and apologised and offered to send express post. Currently awaiting buyer’s advice as to whether she still wants the item. After this, one of Ebay Whore’s nicer alters took control of the body for a moment and responded:

I do need it for another function this Friday and did need it for one for the weekend just gone. If you can express post it would be good.

To which, pleased with my apparent skillz in having persuaded Ebay Whore to have some confidence in me (no, as it turns out) as well as coming to a mutually satisfactory solution (no, as it turns out), as well as my restraint in not telling her to get fucking fucked (may still happen), I responded:

Ack - disaster. All my fault. I can’t make it home before the post closes today but it will be sent tomorrow without fail. I will keep you updated.

Bathsheba

And that day, in order to demonstrate good faith, I packed up ready to leave work asap so I could try to make it to the post office before closing to at least buy an express post bag in order to pack the item. And of course, at 4pm I had a call from a distressed relative needing assistance with a guardianship issue. So at this point, I could have cut the distressed relative off and asked her to call back the next day or I can weigh up what’s more important:

The distressed relative on the phone who is working full time and trying to fit caring for her elderly aunt in around her working hours

or

OMG Ebay Whore who NEEDS a ($25) bag and she has a CONTRACT (or a sale, or something, pffft)

Relative’s needs win. Nevertheless, Ebay Whore’s crappy attitude which at that point on the crapometer was sitting at about orange zone ‘moderate’ level did play a role in the decision. However, I jumped in my car, drove like a demon (yeah, yeah, more so than usual) and made it to the post office just as they closed the door in my face.

peacefulgreenvalleys peacefulgreenvalleys peacefulgreenvalleys

exhale

I reminded myself that I can simply get it in the post tomorrow as planned anyway. Then I exhaled some more and went home and drank a bottle of Moscato. (I know. I have really bad taste in wine. Just wotevah, ppl).

Which brings me to today. Bag is bubble wrapped and on my desk waiting for me to find a few spare minutes to nip out to the post office to send it on its way. And then. Then. Ebay Whore just can’t help herself and sends the crapometer off the dial:

I’m expecting the parcel tomorrow as you promised to express post today.

Yes, that’s the message in its entirety. It’s also the point that Ebay Whore’s toe went over my line (well more like she flung herself in a full body slam across it. TOUCHDOWN! WHEEEE!!!).

At that very moment, I have an epiphany (it’s like a CONTRACT or a SALE or something only you can’t get done for NON-PERFORMANCE). After work this evening, I am going to get on the road in the pouring rain and drive like hell with beads of anxious sweat pouring off me to make it to the post office. I am going to spend my own money on the extra postage. And I am going to do this for some little snit who misinterpreted the auction description “second hand bag” as “second hand bag PLUS!! Bonus – you get to be a SELF-ENTITLED PRINCESS and your seller will like LEGIT buy into it!” And after all of this, she is still going to leave my first negative in seventeen years, dammit. Or one of her alters will anyway.

Oh, that’s right. The epiphany! The epiphany is: I don’t have to do this. I can refund her. Either way, I’m getting a negative so it may as well be the way that leaves me with less stress and cost.

NO BAG FOR YOU.

So at this point in time, the bag is still sitting on my desk and I am plotting…

Prior to coming to this epiphany, I was set to take a pic of the bag with poop in it (always readily available when you work in aged care). I would make sure I lined the bag first so I could get the poop out without a trace. Then after I sent the bag and Ebay Whore had taken it to her imaginary function on Friday night, I would email her the pic. My co-irkers though, have no sense of humour and they stopped me (ok then, physically restrained me when I headed toward the sluices) from collecting up potential samples, darn their eyes. So that’s out.

As I mentioned, Mr Joseph has exhorted me to stop fucking talking to her because she’s a fuckwit, so engaging in any email baiting is out as well. Plus – we all know that won’t end well and is really just a puerile waste of time. (Oh, the irony. It burns as I type!). So that’s out too.

Unlike my final stroke of brilliance which is both very mature and an excellent use of time:

I am going to take that bag with me to every damn function, holiday and event I have for the next eternity number of years. And I am going to take a pic every time, demonstrating how much fun I am having with it. And I am going to send them to her. On each and every fucking occasion.

Any-one want to borrow a bag?

2

This is not going to go well for you…

3

… yeah, sorry. I too have forgotten to send things that people have paid for (albeit not things that I marked shipped!) but I’ve never thought it was anybody’s fault but mine or that they didn’t have a right to be upset as hell with me.

4

You did not honor your commitment, I don’t blame her for being upset.

5

Holy shit. You’re a massive, massive douchebag.

6

You know what the difference is between an eBay seller who says they are helping a distressed relative and one who actually is?

7

Why on earth did you mark the item shipped before you actually shipped it? This is a perfect illustration of why you should never do that. Although it was inadvertent, you flat-out lied to your customer. She has every right to be angry. And then on top of that, instead of shipping the item immediately when you realized your mistake, you put the onus on her to approve your sending it by express. I’m sure she felt she was getting the runaround.

8

You come across as a lunatic in your OP. Pretty much every single message she sent to you sounded reasonable, and your commentary of nearly every one sounded insane.

9

If I were the buyer I’d be pissed as hell. Sorry if your life is a maelstrom of crap at the moment, but that isn’t the buyer’s problem and there is no way she could know about it.

If circumstances really prevented you from getting it mailed, then why the hell didn’t you refund her money instantly with an explanation and many apologies? Or suck it up, take 1/2 an hour and go mail the damned thing? I’m not sure why you asked the “do you still want it” question - she paid for it, just mail the stupid thing and be done with it.

Yeah, the eBay BUYER is not the problem here.

10

Being nasty and spiteful is a bad way to go through life. Is this really the sort of person you want to be?

11

Yeah, I’m gonna go with “it’s you” too. She bought something, you didn’t ship it to her, and you’re blaming her for getting upset? I’d be upset too.

12

Man, I don’t want to be around you when you’re PMSing.

13

This.

And no one gives a shit about your excuses, OP. If you can’t make it to the post office within two weeks, don’t sell stuff on eBay. It’s not that hard.

14

Any chance I can have your eBay ID so I can ensure I don’t inadvertently buy anything from you, ever?

15

If I were a buyer getting those excuses from you, I would think it a little dubious, too. Still, I would try to send more helpful messages to the seller.

This pretty much all stems from claiming the item was shipped when it wasn’t, which you don’t seem to think is that big a deal. You don’t know how much you’re inconveniencing the buyer (she has probably missed opportunities to find another seller and is now in a difficult position) and you’re too focused on the surprises in your own life. You need to keep in mind that you’re not doing friends favours, you’re acting as a business and need to provide a higher level of service that isn’t dependent on your personal life. I draw your attention to this message:

“I’m expecting the parcel tomorrow as you promised to express post today.”

Yes, it’s curt. But it’s entirely reasonable. If that is your idea of “crapometer off the dial” then you have no business running a business or generally promising anything.

People who sarcastically excuse themselves from an obligation because something else was “more important”, as if other people don’t have important lives, are a pet hate of mine. You have some excuses, but they’re not all good ones and don’t provide a watertight cover for the whole 12 days, or whatever it is. What about all the other moments? Before work? Lunch? Ask someone else to send it for you? If I were in the buyer’s position, I would be asking all these questions and wondering what any of your excuses truly had to do with it.

16

It’s your fault (something which people in this thread seem to be overlooking you admitted, twice) but the buyer sounds like a right cunt…sorry “cunt”.

I don’t blame you for taking a ‘Fuck her and the horse she rode in on’ attitude. People who act like assholes should expect to get treated like assholes. Screw her.

17

I wouldn’t have seen it as relative’s needs vs. buyer’s needs; I would have seen it as relative’s needs vs. my integrity as a businessperson.

This. If you look at it strictly from the buyer’s point of view, who has no way of knowing about all the drama in your life (and really, when you buy something from someone, you shouldn’t have to worry about the drama in their life), she was getting a lot of runaround on what should have been a straightforward transaction.

I do sort of understand this. Most of the time, when I order something, I’d still want it no matter how long it took to get to me; but once in a while, I need it by such and such a date, and if I don’t get it by then, I won’t have any use for it at all.

But there were certainly other things the OP did wrong, including, as Biffy points out, lying by marking it shipped when it wasn’t.

18

To be fair, I did just receive back in the mail a book I sold on half.com with an insufficient postage notice. I don’t know what happened - I weigh everything before sending it, etc. But what matters is that the buyer didn’t get it. I did contact her to see if she’d prefer I send it priority mail (at my expense) or just refund her, since it’s a textbook and I thought it possible she might have had to make an emergency purchase or something and might just prefer to get her money back. (She still wanted it, so I shipped it this morning. With PROFUSE APOLOGIES.)

19

You were supposed to bitch about her to your friends, smear shit on the book, and try to start a pity party on the Dope. Now you know better.

20

Let’s see.

You didn’t mail out the item.

You marked on ebay that you didn’t mail the item.

Instead of immediately posting it you tried some runaround with “do you still want it”.

You’re upset that someone has the gall to actually want to receive an item they paid for in a timely manner.

I think best case here is, you never use Ebay^H^H^H^H the internet again and save the rest of us from having to deal with another asshole.