So. I have an ebay buyer whom a mate has christened “Ebay Whore”. Ebay Whore bought a bag from me and I forgot to send it. I should have sent it by last Wednesday but didn’t. My fault, but it’s been one of those times when your husband breaks his leg and dislocates his ankle and then gets a pressure area which you have to dress and you have to do everything for him as well as everything he normally does and go from work to water polo to work to rowing to fix the flight of steps your husband obliterated when he tried to drive a bobcat down them to work to debating to lather rinse repeat. None of which of course is the buyer’s problem, don’t get me wrong. So when Ebay Whore messaged me on Monday to ask if I had sent it, I responded:
Hi Ebay Whore,
I am so sorry - I overlooked it! I can put it in an express post if you still want it - or did you need it for an event? Apologies again!
Bathsheba
Here’s Ebay Whore’s response:
I thought you had posted it since you marked it shipped. I assumed that because I bought and paid for it that there was a contract or sale. Did you no longer want to sell it? In that case I will file a complaint with eBay for non-performance.
So then I said:
Hi Ebay Whore,
Apologies for any misunderstanding. I was worried that you might have needed it for a function and it wasn’t going to arrive in time. I thought you might want to cancel the sale in that instance.
As I said, I can post the bag express post at my own cost which is the only way I can make this up to you. Please advise.
Bathsheba
And then I found these beauties in Paypal:
From Buyer – Ebay Whore
02/06/2014 19:07 PDT
it’s disappointing that you would “overlook” posting an item that was bought and paid without delay.
Nice use of quote marks, “bitch”.
Seventeen years of selling on ebay with 100% positive feedback and suddenly I have decided to take money and not send items and then lie about it. Yes. That’s what happened here.
And yes, I usually only “overlook” posting those items which haven’t been paid for without delay. I’m selective in my “overlooking”. That said, I will admit here to “overlooking” posting those items which haven’t been bought.
From Buyer – Ebay Whore
02/06/2014 19:08 PDT
additionally, you had marked the item as shipped. i only found out you hadn’t shipped it when i contacted you a week after the sale.
And your point is?
I think her shift key is broken.
From Buyer – Ebay Whore
02/06/2014 19:22 PDT
i have in fact rechecked my payment details and it will be two weeks this Friday since the sale was concluded on eBay
And next Friday it will be three weeks. The Friday after that it will be four weeks. And the Friday after that it will be five weeks. (NB she’s posting this on the Monday, WTF).
Nonetheless, I am currently channeling Jonah’s Mr Joseph and he said, “You can see she’s a fuckwit so stop fucking talking to her”. So instead I left this response on Paypal;
Have explained and apologised and offered to send express post. Currently awaiting buyer’s advice as to whether she still wants the item. After this, one of Ebay Whore’s nicer alters took control of the body for a moment and responded:
I do need it for another function this Friday and did need it for one for the weekend just gone. If you can express post it would be good.
To which, pleased with my apparent skillz in having persuaded Ebay Whore to have some confidence in me (no, as it turns out) as well as coming to a mutually satisfactory solution (no, as it turns out), as well as my restraint in not telling her to get fucking fucked (may still happen), I responded:
Ack - disaster. All my fault. I can’t make it home before the post closes today but it will be sent tomorrow without fail. I will keep you updated.
Bathsheba
And that day, in order to demonstrate good faith, I packed up ready to leave work asap so I could try to make it to the post office before closing to at least buy an express post bag in order to pack the item. And of course, at 4pm I had a call from a distressed relative needing assistance with a guardianship issue. So at this point, I could have cut the distressed relative off and asked her to call back the next day or I can weigh up what’s more important:
The distressed relative on the phone who is working full time and trying to fit caring for her elderly aunt in around her working hours
or
OMG Ebay Whore who NEEDS a ($25) bag and she has a CONTRACT (or a sale, or something, pffft)
Relative’s needs win. Nevertheless, Ebay Whore’s crappy attitude which at that point on the crapometer was sitting at about orange zone ‘moderate’ level did play a role in the decision. However, I jumped in my car, drove like a demon (yeah, yeah, more so than usual) and made it to the post office just as they closed the door in my face.
peacefulgreenvalleys peacefulgreenvalleys peacefulgreenvalleys
exhale
I reminded myself that I can simply get it in the post tomorrow as planned anyway. Then I exhaled some more and went home and drank a bottle of Moscato. (I know. I have really bad taste in wine. Just wotevah, ppl).
Which brings me to today. Bag is bubble wrapped and on my desk waiting for me to find a few spare minutes to nip out to the post office to send it on its way. And then. Then. Ebay Whore just can’t help herself and sends the crapometer off the dial:
I’m expecting the parcel tomorrow as you promised to express post today.
Yes, that’s the message in its entirety. It’s also the point that Ebay Whore’s toe went over my line (well more like she flung herself in a full body slam across it. TOUCHDOWN! WHEEEE!!!).
At that very moment, I have an epiphany (it’s like a CONTRACT or a SALE or something only you can’t get done for NON-PERFORMANCE). After work this evening, I am going to get on the road in the pouring rain and drive like hell with beads of anxious sweat pouring off me to make it to the post office. I am going to spend my own money on the extra postage. And I am going to do this for some little snit who misinterpreted the auction description “second hand bag” as “second hand bag PLUS!! Bonus – you get to be a SELF-ENTITLED PRINCESS and your seller will like LEGIT buy into it!” And after all of this, she is still going to leave my first negative in seventeen years, dammit. Or one of her alters will anyway.
Oh, that’s right. The epiphany! The epiphany is: I don’t have to do this. I can refund her. Either way, I’m getting a negative so it may as well be the way that leaves me with less stress and cost.
NO BAG FOR YOU.
So at this point in time, the bag is still sitting on my desk and I am plotting…
Prior to coming to this epiphany, I was set to take a pic of the bag with poop in it (always readily available when you work in aged care). I would make sure I lined the bag first so I could get the poop out without a trace. Then after I sent the bag and Ebay Whore had taken it to her imaginary function on Friday night, I would email her the pic. My co-irkers though, have no sense of humour and they stopped me (ok then, physically restrained me when I headed toward the sluices) from collecting up potential samples, darn their eyes. So that’s out.
As I mentioned, Mr Joseph has exhorted me to stop fucking talking to her because she’s a fuckwit, so engaging in any email baiting is out as well. Plus – we all know that won’t end well and is really just a puerile waste of time. (Oh, the irony. It burns as I type!). So that’s out too.
Unlike my final stroke of brilliance which is both very mature and an excellent use of time:
I am going to take that bag with me to every damn function, holiday and event I have for the next eternity number of years. And I am going to take a pic every time, demonstrating how much fun I am having with it. And I am going to send them to her. On each and every fucking occasion.
Any-one want to borrow a bag?
