I can snap my fingers, but can’t whistle. My oldest son can whistle, but can’t snap his fingers. My youngest son can’t do either. Go figure…
I suck at texting. I can’t seem to use my thumbs, and after switching from a keyboard to soft keys I have a hell of a time poking the right letter, and then auto-correct changes the word entirely and I’m a fucking doofus.
I even have a hard time poking a suggested word and somehow get that wrong occasionally.
I don’t think anyone can really see Magic Eye. If they can, it’s proof they’re an alien. I can wink my left eye but not my right. I can’t focus my eyes on one spot for more than a few seconds.
I don’t get why anyone uses their thumbs. I hold the phone in one hand, use the fingers of the other hand, and turn off predictive text because the chances of me meaning “duck” instead of “fuck” are zero.
This is how I text. My children laugh because I text like a mom. They can text with 2 thumbs as quickly as I can type with 9 fingers*. I can then threaten to take away their phones and/or change the WiFi password. So we’ll call it a draw.
I can’t grow plants. My ancestors have successfully participated in agriculture since what, the Stone Age? I can’t keep a damned aloe plant alive. The dandelions in the yard look puny. But I keep trying, because every spring, the seed catalog beckons, and eventually I will get it right.
*I possess the normal 10 fingers in the usual configuration. But I learned to type on an IBM Selectric, from a lady who may have pioneered the QWERTY keyboard, and who always had vodka in her Thermos as she grimly survived her final year of teaching a bunch of ungrateful little bastards. Honestly, the most useful class I ever took.
Thumbs or fingers are equally fast if you’re using the swipe style keyboard.
(Where to type “hello” you put your finger on “h” then slide it over e l o without lifting your finger).
And “fuck” can be added to the predictive text dictionary 
The default android keyboard does all this, iOS I’m not sure.
Forgot to add that I cannot wink either eye. I never could play that game where you wink to “kill” people.
I can neither float nor swim.
I cannot catch a ball, hit a ball, or throw a ball. No playing catch, ping pong, tennis, badminton.
Can’t draw a straight line even using multiple rulers and a laser level.
I can get lost in the town I’ve lived in for nearly 30 years.
How I’ve survived so long mystifies me.
Sure, but I found that it’s predictive text, not auto-correct, that changes words on you. With it turned off, I can type messages that say what I actually mean, not what the phone thinks I should mean.
And my spelling and vocabulary are good enough that I don’t have problems saying what I actually mean. Plus if I’m not sure how something is spelled, auto-correct still makes suggestions, it just doesn’t change things without me choosing to change them. So my texts are full sentences with correct spelling and punctuation (and no absurdist word-substitutions).
Small talk.
Boy, you guys are making me feel better. I thought it was just me that had rice issues.
Thanks for chiming in, Mr. Coolidge. 
Can’t swipe either. Just tried hello. It came up with ‘Kelso’ (whatever that is) the other option was ‘Helsinki’.
Not me.
If someone says, “Raise your right hand,” I have a 50/50 shot at getting it right. I can almost always correctly identify my left hand on the first try, however.
When I was growing up, when something came from the oven that was too hot to eat, Dad would always say, “I bet you had to cook it twice to get it this hot!”
I have extreme difficulty in closing Ziplock bags. I line up those little colored bars with great precision, hold everything steady, press as hard as I can… and nothing happens. The bag sits there, open, completely unaffected in any way by my efforts, smirking at me.
I also am incapable of buying a flashlight that is any good. I have no idea how many I’ve bought over the decades, all kinds; all of them start malfunctioning within weeks. Finally my daughter bought me one. It’s worked perfectly for years.
I have a similar problem with clothes. They seem to magically change size and shape between the time I try them on at the store and the time I get them home. People have gone to a store without me and bought clothes for me that fitted better than the ones I got myself.
Also, I can dribble a basketball passably while stationary, but as soon as I take a step, it’s all over.
But you know what? I can fold a fitted sheet like gangbusters.
I will happily zip your Ziploc bags and dribble your basketballs, if you will only FOLD THOSE FREAKIN’ SHEETS for me!
I can’t shoot a basketball. I’m an unusually tall person and I’m like, it’s *four feet away. Why is that so freaking *hard?
Just wait a few more years until teleportation is fully developed, and you can send your Ziploc bags and basketballs and fitted sheets back and forth to one another to get these things done.
I foresee people getting paid by the piece to fold sheets or zip Ziplocs for others, or maybe even the people who can cook rice can make a little cottage industry of cooking other people’s rice.
I see whole new areas of work opening up for all those Amazon Mechanical Turks!
Making small talk is easy:
Small talk