Fuck you, infertility. Fuck you for getting in the way and making it hard for this loving couple to start a family. Fuck you for coming to us as a vague and nebulous diagnosis without anything we can fix. Fuck you for dragging my depression back into things. Fuck you for making us feel inadequate. Fuck you for making me take temperatures and drink teas and raise my hips and eat pineapples and pee on sticks and hope and pray for nothing. Fuck you for bringing my period back, cycle after cycle.
While I’m at it, fuck you to my 40-day cycles, too, giving us fewer chances than the average couple. We’ve been at it 18 months, and we’re currently fighting about when to move on to more invasive procedures. My husband wants to keep trying “naturally”, since we managed it once (a loss in October, at 8 weeks - they told me it was a blighted ovum, which means there was never a baby in there, so I don’t know if that even counts) but I don’t know how much more I can handle before I fall apart.
I know I’m not alone. I know others have it worse. But I am angry and scared and hurting a whole lot and I don’t have decent support other than my husband right now. I want to scream about it to everybody I can find in case anyone understands and can help me. He wants to keep it between us and grieve in private. It’s just getting so hard to hold my shit together when people are asking us when we’ll “start trying” and my sister-in-law implies they’re working on their second and it’s Christmas and I should have had a belly by now.
You never think it’ll be you. And then it is you. And you’re completely unprepared.
I hear you. Been there. Eventually obtained 3 pregnancies, two live births. All were started with the help of a medication to increase the possibility of actual ovulation, which on its own sometimes happened and sometimes didn’t. And yes, the variable monthly cycles from 28 to 45 days. This after several years of various birth control so that I wouldn’t conceive before we were ready.
It is absolutely horrid when people make what they believe are helpful or “cute” comments about your not having a bun in the oven yet. My MIL was the worst. I did NOT care to share my medical issues with her. I thought of all kinds of replies, though, none of which I said out loud. Such as “Well, if your son didn’t prefer little boys…”
Not sure how the implantation will happen in-vitro unless they’re putting my uterus in the jar in the lab. IVF is invasive. Not to mention extremely expensive.
Our next step would be IUI - intrauterine insemination. That means pills and injections to get me ovulating on a tight schedule and enjoying some mood-swinging side effects. Transvaginal ultrasound wands jammed up my hoo-ha every couple of days to watch for egg maturation. Along with blood tests. Legs in stirrups while a catheter is stuffed through my cervix into my uterus so sperm can be deposited right beside the entrance to my fallopian tube.
Maybe in the grand scheme of things it’s not the biggest deal in the world, but when you spend your life thinking that when you want babies, you have a bunch of sex and get pregnant, it’s goddamn disappointing to think that you’re not going to get there that way like most other people. I’m working on being more optimistic and focusing on the fact that there are still steps to try before giving up. Unfortunately, that’s hard for me. I’m trying.
MLS, our closest family and friends know a little about what’s going on, so they’ve gotten better about keeping their mouths shut. It’s the folks we don’t see as often who say things without thinking. Like the cousin who said “sorry I couldn’t make it down for Xmas. Promise I’ll be there for the next baby shower, though, so hope you guys give us some good news soon! ;)” And the ones who offer us advice about diet and sex position because doggie-style while eating blueberries worked for this friend they know and we should totally try it.
I hope your options work out for you. As a gay man who can’t have kids naturally with my partner but desperately wants them, I sympathize with you, in a way, and wish you luck.
I wish people would just STFU about other peoples’ reproduction.
My spouse and I choose a different route to deal with our infertility (we decided to remain childless) and I am sick to death of the assumptions, second-guessing, and other people telling us what we should do or not do. The only right thing to do when faced with infertility is what YOU deem best, not what someone else thinks is right. You’re the ones facing the problem, how to deal with it will be your decision.
My opinion - and its strictly my opinion - is that you should make it clear to your husband that if he doesn’t wish to discuss this outside you as a couple YOU NEED to do this for your own mental health. I can understand him not wanting you to tell everyone but I’m getting a vibe here there you need to be able to talk to someone not in the affected couple and not a medical infertility specialist about this. Doesn’t matter if it’s a trusted friend, a professional counselor, or us here on a message board, you need that even if he needs the opposite.
The nosey questions/assumptions about your reproductive future is a bit more tricky. You can say nothing, and people will continue to cluelessly say things like “hope to hear you’re having a baby shower by next year!” in a chipper voice that will continue to cause you pain even as you attempt to smile back at them. You can say something and suddenly you’ll have people offering “suggestions” (with a high percentage of woo in them) and NOT inviting you to baby showers/parities you might like to go to under the assumption you won’t want to be around any kids at all. It’s a minefield, and all I can really say is that you aren’t the only one to have gone through it, so maybe finding others who have been through it to commiserate with you would be helpful.
Other than that - it doesn’t matter if other people have it worse or not. What matter is that YOU are hurting right now. Yes, in this thread it really is all about you, and that’s a good thing. Infertility is always difficult, regardless of outcome. Your frustration, pain, and anger are real, they’re yours, and to hell with anyone who will diminish your right to express them because someone else has it “worse” (which is often a subjective judgement anyhow).
Yeah, people who go around saying things like, “so when are you two finally going to have a baby!?” need to get a swift kick to the ribs. That’s none of their damn business.
Ain’t that the truth. Not only is it none of their damn business, they have zero way of knowing if the person they’re saying it to doesn’t want kids and is sick to the teeth of hearing about it, or is in the process of fighting with their spouse about whether it’s time to start trying, or is struggling with infertility issues, or just had a miscarriage, or what.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Infertility is a kick in the gut and it SUCKS. I hope the IUI works for you, and you don’t have to deal with any more ‘advice’, ‘baby dust’, or inappropriate questions.
(I had an aunt in law tell me this Christmas that I couldn’t get pregnant and keep it because I had too many negative emotions. This was followed by the question ‘Did you get sexually molested as a child?’ Good times.)
That’s exactly it. I want to put it out in the open and make it feel less like a personal failure and more like a shitty medical issue we’re stuck dealing with. Keeping it just between us makes me feel like we did something wrong, even though I know we didn’t. He’s so much more private than I am and I feel like I can’t ignore his wishes when it comes to sharing, because it’s his pain too, but I need more support and understanding and hugs from outside. Hell, I need more support from him, but I don’t know what I need or how to ask for it.
I can’t use my blog as an outlet, because too many of our friends read it. I can’t get into Facebook groups for infertility support (although now that I think about it I could probably tweak privacy settings and manage it). I’ve got a few good friends who care but don’t necessarily understand, and after this long I’m worried I’ll wear them out by leaning on them too hard. I’m on a TTC board but it’s too overwhelming for me right now since it’s so many women and so many stories about failed IUIs and IVFs and oh so much woo and baby dust bullshit.
Maybe I’ll look for a real-life support group. But meeting new people is hard in the best of times.
I keep feeling like I’m not allowed to be upset until I’ve exhausted all options and nothing works, but I am upset. It’s looking more and more like we’ll need technology to help us, and while that shouldn’t bother me, it does. I want my children to be conceived in an act of love between my husband and me, not to come from specimen cup full of washed sperm squirted into my uterus by a tech.
Thanks. First I have to convince my husband to move on to IUI. If not next cycle, then we have to wait till March/April because our vacation in February will interfere with a treatment cycle. That’s pushing us into likely 2014 due dates, and, for no rational reason, that depresses me hugely.
Wow. That’s miles worse than anything I’ve gotten so far. How did you respond?? I’ve heard “just relax” about a billion times, though, and been told that I shouldn’t need to temp and chart and think about it. But with a wonky cycle, I need to chart. I didn’t ovulate till day 27 this time around, which is when others would be starting to test. Not knowing what my body is doing would seriously mess with my head.
Waiting is the worst part of this whole mess. You’re always waiting. Waiting for ovulation, waiting to test, waiting to see an RE, waiting to take a pill or injection, waiting for the right time for an IUI, etc., etc. It’s stressful and painful and people who haven’t been there have no idea. I’m sorry.
We have decided to put off our FET yet again too. Originally we were going to do it this past November, then March/April 2013, now we’re looking at November 2013. More waiting. Ugh. Time keeps ticking.
As for the aunt, I asked her if she was seriously blaming us (my SIL was there also - she has PCOS and is having trouble as well) for our infertility and she said yes. I left the room and went upstairs and cried. She came up and gave me a hug but that certainly didn’t fix anything. I just kept a brave face and didn’t engage in the conversation anymore.
**Antigen[b/], please excuse me if you’ve been asked/tested for this, but you mentioned 40-day cycles, and I couldn’t help wonder if you have PCOS (Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome), which can present without the eponymous polycystic ovaries, causes oligomenorrhia, and can cause infertility? If it hasn’t been ruled out, there are some tests that can confirm it, and steps to take which may help you conceive.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. If I were Queen of the Universe, I’d rule that everyone got the reproductive system they requested - from completely infertile to aggressively fertile.
BTW, what does eating pineapple do?
Please tell me you slapped the smug right off that shrike’s face. Please?
I’m sorry. I went through this years ago and it sucked then.
In our case they didn’t know what was wrong. We did IUI and Clomid and didn’t get pregnant. We decided to stop the intervention rollercoaster there, and adopted. Then had a surprise baby.
I want to tell you that whatever you and your husband decide to do is ok. If you decide to try for a pregnancy, if you decide to adopt, if you decide to remain childless - its all ok.
Questions that helped us…
What is our timeline for becoming parents? - at what point will we fill like we are too old (friends just became parents - he is 47 - that’s too old for me. They are wonderful parents though who waited a long time).
Do we feel its more important to parent a child, or have a pregnancy and then parent a child? The realization that what we really wanted was to parent was what made us go down the adoption path. However, other people decide that one differently, and I get that.
How much money are we willing to spend on intervention?
Its an emotional process, but asking those sorts of pragmatic questions took some of the emotion out of it and gave us something we could control - we’d do this for this long, then we’d do this, and then we’d move on to that.
As for invasive QUESTIONS, I took an answer from my aunt, who was married ten years before having her only daughter. When people would ask, she’d look at them with an evil glint in her eye and say “you know, making a baby takes a lot of practice - and we are still practicing.” I still don’t know (and her daughter is an adult) if there were fertility issues or if they just waited, or even if she was a “surprise”
This isn’t even situational. My wife and I have no (known) fertility issues, we just don’t want a baby yet. We’ve stopped going to friends’ baby showers and the like because of all the inane “it’s your turn!” stuff.
Of course, my complaint is small beans compared to the OP’s. I wish you all the baby luck in the world, Antigen.
I would really recommend staying off the fertility boards, if you can. I strongly suspect that they are at LEAST 10% umk*ys, and since the population is so fluid, and generally less savvy than here, they never get detected. Hell, if I found out that on some of those boards the ten most prolific posters were all the same person talking to themselves about constructed tragedies all day long, I wouldn’t be surprised. And even to the extent that they are real people, the format and culture really tends to encourage obsessiveness.
We did the whole infertility thing backward, because we always knew we’d have problems: we started with super-fancy IVF, including pre-implantation genetic screening, only to have that fail to an epic degree, leading us to IUI with a donor. On a physical level, none of it was as bad as I had been lead to expect. I think people sometimes exaggerate how bad the physical stuff is because they are trying to get across how awful the waiting is (and it is awful) psychologically. But if you get a good doctor that you like and trust (and a good ultrasound tech), the process is a pain in the ass, but not that big of a deal. I’d have been happy to have six vaginal ultrasounds a day for a month if that could have gotten rid of the uncertainty. The uncertainty is the bad part.
One thing I would really, really recommend: get your husband’s sperm checked ASAP. It’s $150, you can do it any time (he doesn’t cycle) and it will clarify things tremendously. Honest to god, I think ever man ought to get his sperm count done when he gets married, so if it is in the low-but-not-impossible level (which is common) people can adjust there “trying” approach accordingly. Also, don’t work with your ob/gyn unless they are board certified in reproductive endocrinology. This is an incredibly fast moving field, and a regular ob/gyn is not going to be up to date.
Probably preaching to the choir in this thread, but can everyone also stop asking “have you thought about adoption?” It is a pretty safe assumption that everyone on the planet knows there is such a thing as adoption and doesn’t need your “helpful” question to learn about it.
“More invasive procedures”? What, like, in vitro fertilization-and-implantation?