Inmate sues Vick for $63 billion. Alleges Al Qaeda ties.

[neutron_star]

@DiosaBellissima

HOLOCAUST SURVIVORS

Seriously! Those selfish assholes living totally fucked over his chance at that promotion last year.

Here’s my question: how can he be anti Mein Kampf, but also anti Holocaust Survivors? Maybe he thinks Mein Kampf didn’t go far enough?

Well, he also named “ADOLPH HITLER’S, NATIONAL SOCIALIST PARTY” and “JEWISH WORKERS AT NBC/UNIVERSAL,” in the suit, along with several Jewish/Israeli groups and several modern Jewish hate groups (who clearly haven’t gotten the job done either, by that logic, so maybe you’re on to something).

MERRIAM WEBSTERS DICTIONARY 10TH EDITION

Yeah, the 9th edition is cool, but that fucking 10th edition is just *awful. * I mean, when you look up idiot, it’s got this guy’s picture and if that isn’t a personal affront, I don’t know what is.

In a similar vein:
THE 48TH ANNUAL GRAMMY AWARDS - Perhaps his prison choir failed to gain recognition.

A few more bits of craziness for those without the patience to wade through it (BTW, the reason they’re all bolded and in caps is that that’s the way they’re shown in the complaint - gotta stay true to the pure genius in this list, you know). I added comments on some of them, but everything bolded or italicized is his.

AMERICANS VETERANS OF WORLD WAR 11 - Wars one through ten exempt.

KING OF PRUSSIA MALL - C’mon, you can buy a couple of $9 Long Islands there to make walking around a mall actually tolerable! Who can’t appreciate that?

GREAT WALL OF CHINA - It’s probably made of shredded cardboard like all the other Chinese crap. Go ahead - see if you can keep a Mongol Army out of your house with any of the trash they sell at Wal-Mart these days!

ENGINE #9, FIRE DEPARTMENT

TAMMANY HALL

HUGGIES - Absorbent, my ass!

NINJA SAMURAI FIGHTERS

PENNSYLVANIA TURNPIKE - Okay, I can get behind him on this one.

[DiggitCamara]

@DiosaBellissima

HOLOCAUST SURVIVORS

Seriously! Those selfish assholes living totally fucked over his chance at that promotion last year.

Here’s my question: how can he be anti Mein Kampf, but also anti Holocaust Survivors? Maybe he thinks Mein Kampf didn’t go far enough?

Well, he also sued the National Socialist Party (Nazis), the american veterans of WWII and Plato.

Now, THAT’S an overreaching conspiracy.

[neutron_star]

@DiggitCamara

Well, he also sued the National Socialist Party (Nazis), the american veterans of WWII and Plato.

Now, THAT’S an overreaching conspiracy.

Pfft, that’s easy to figure out. The real question is how Elian Gonzalez, Kelly Clarkson, Patty Hearst, and The Waffle House fit into all of this.

[fachverwirrt]

I’m guessing that Michelangelo’s failure to base a sculpture on him was just too much to swallow.

[DiosaBellissima]

@DiggitCamara

Well, he also sued the National Socialist Party (Nazis), the american veterans of WWII and Plato.

Now, THAT’S an overreaching conspiracy.

I dunno, I’m pretty sure everyone knows Plato was a total dickhole, so maybe this guy is on to something.

[cbawlmer]

I thought the guy was crazy, but then I noticed he included Vince McMahon and Tara Reid in his lawsuit, so clearly he’s on to something. No, wait…

Various (unspecified) medieval monks?

Medieval Times. The time period, or the theme restaurant? There’s no way to be sure!

Nordic Gods – I’m a little pissed about the huge thunderstorm that woke me up two hours early this morning. Is there a class action thing I can get in on?

Jenna Bush, but not Barbara Bush?

Richard Jewell? Leave that poor man alone!

Guerrilas in the Mist – BAND NAME!

This is the funniest legal document I’ve ever read.

[Wilson]

@fachverwirrt

He sued Zeus. Apparently Zeus violated his civil rights. Not to mention the Virgin Mary and the Holy Grail.

Zeus violated the Virgin Mary???

[h.sapiens]

He’s so mad at Alberto Gonzalez that he put him in there twice.

[DiosaBellissima]

@h.sapiens

He’s so mad at Alberto Gonzalez that he put him in there twice.

Well, it was just in case Gonzalez tried to argue that he didn’t recall the charges.

[HMS_Irruncible]

@neutron star

That’s actually “$63,000,000,000 billion,” or 63 billion billion dollars, as named in the suit.

A much more hilarious read, though, is a prisoner civil rights suit filed last year by the same guy, the defendant list for which is a stunning 57 pages long (PDF here), and lists hundreds of entities, non-entities, and… uh… time periods that have wronged him. Among them:

BENEDICT XVI
POPE

CLEO
MISS

WWW.ACCUWEATHER.COM

JOHN DEERE
TRACTORS

GAMBINO
CRIME FAMILY

NUCLEAR POWER PLANT

THE SALVATION ARMY

MAGNA CARTA

MEDIEVAL TIMES

Is that Medieval Times the time period, or Medieval Times, the middlebrow dinner theatre? It does make a difference.

[DiggitCamara]

@neutron star

(snip)

A much more hilarious read, though, is a prisoner civil rights suit filed last year by the same guy, the defendant list for which is a stunning 57 pages long (PDF here), and lists hundreds of entities, non-entities, and… uh… time periods that have wronged him.
(snip)

I may be betraying my ignorance on legal matters, but this is just the list of defendants on that suit, isn’t it?

Is there any way to know what he was suing them about?

[cbawlmer]

@Brain Wreck

Is that Medieval Times the time period, or Medieval Times, the middlebrow dinner theatre? It does make a difference.

If you’ll check Post #26, you’ll see I wondered the same thing.

And I wondered the same thing, DiggitCamara. Doesn’t he have to say why he’s suing them, or are the defendants supposed to get together and guess?

[neutron_star]

@DiggitCamara

I may be betraying my ignorance on legal matters, but this is just the list of defendants on that suit, isn’t it?

Yes.

[ShelliBean]

I wish he would sue Phelps and the WBC. It would be like putting them both in Chinese finger cuffs. That or tear the very fabric of space and time and open a portal into another dimension.

[fachverwirrt]

@DiggitCamara

I may be betraying my ignorance on legal matters, but this is just the list of defendants on that suit, isn’t it?

Is there any way to know what he was suing them about?

It’s something to do with civil rights. The particulars are not listed.

[cmkeller]

That can’t be real, can it? I mean, I know the old adage “Truth is stranger than fiction”, but it can’t possibly be THAT much stranger.

[Labtrash]

Well, the Ming Dynasty owes me $30, so they’d better pay up before they pay this asshat off.

…and Ming the Merciless owes me 3 months back rent.

[neutron_star]

@fachverwirrt

It’s something to do with civil rights. The particulars are not listed.

They might be be listed on the Lexis/Nexis database, accessible by attorney Dopers who have paid access to that site via their employers. (Hint: Come ON, you rich lawyer bastards; use your influence to give the common man a little bit of entertainment! Please?)

If it helps, I’ve searched for this guy on there, and though I couldn’t get the juicy particulars, he seems like he’d be a comedy goldmine if we had all of the details.

Shit, this guy would make better reality TV than anything that’s ever been on reality TV. (That’s damning with faint praise as far as I’m concerned, but still…).

[cmkeller]

The guy sued “FRUIT OF A-LOOM”. It doesn’t have to be THE loom. Any loom’s fruit will do.

SHAWN JOHN COMBS is apparently now known as “MR. DITTY,” which will help when the hip-hop performer takes a job in the advertising business.

“THIRTEEN TRIBES OF ISRAEL” - funny, no one told me they added another.

“RASTAFARIAN NATIVES” - how are they going to deliver the subpoena to Rastafar? And I guess Rastafarian Immigrants ae exempted (unless they appear later, separately - I’m only on page 12) (Edited in later - nope, read the whole list, the Immigrants are exempt)

“ULLUMINATI” - that would be the secret cabal of Australian Aborigines, right?

“DEMI MOORE” - there’s a blast from the past, I figured he was more current, as he names Tara Reid, Jessica Simpson and Paris Hilton. But then again, what do you expect from a guy who’s also suing the Roman Empire and the Ming Dynasty? Obviously, he has a long (if fractured) memory.

“WKRP IN CINCINNATI” - I have to point this one out, even though I can’t think of a comment snide enough to match it.

“GUERILLA’S IN THE MIST” - this list just gets more and more surreal.

“RIPLEY’S BELIEVE IT OR NOT” - for not yet including this list in their museum, I assume?

“AREA 69: ALIEN AND UFO RESEARCH CENTER” - I guess this would be where they hide the sexy aliens?

“D. B. COOPER” - Good luck trying to serve THAT subpoena.

“PIRATES COVE MINIATURE GOLF COURSE” - That windmill was NOT a Par 3, you liars!

“WEIRD AL YANKOVIC” - You’re not weird, you fraud. THIS is weird.

Of course, there are tons of other strange ones, but I can’t possibly think of a witty comment for them all.

[neutron_star]

@cmkeller

“AREA 69: ALIEN AND UFO RESEARCH CENTER” - I guess this would be where they hide the sexy aliens?

When I first read it, that one made me wonder where I’d heard it before.

A Google search made me remember: “Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas!”

No, he’s no suing a completely fictional video game, but, rather, he’s suing a very specific location in a completely fictional video game!

Beautiful. Just beautiful.

This man is a comedic genius.