Well, I’ve posted with some detail the recent challenges I’ve faced in my life. For those of you who stumble across this thread and have not read the others, I’ll summarize:
cheating spouse
divorce (after 10 year marriage)
possibly serious abuse issues of my children by ex’s boyfriend (fresh new hell)
loss of job (10 months ago and counting)
subsequent financial challenges
Still, I get up in the morning and go through the motions of a normal life. I exercise to keep from sinking in the quagmire of self pitty. I get on the computer and job boards to look for work. I network with anyone and everyone I can. I stay in touch with family and friends. I’ve recently entered into a relationship with a wonderful woman and it’s been very good for both of us. So all in all… Yeah Me! (if I do say so myself!)
But here’s the thing… with all the shit that life has dealt me over the past few years, I can’t help but wonder what role I’ve played in my own demise. I continue to do what has worked for me in the past and I maintain a deep personal conviction that it’s the right thing to do. And yet, I can’t help but think of the old addage defining insanity… i.e. Doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.
Now I’m not self destructive, I don’t believe. I mean, I don’t drink other than socially. Don’t use drugs. I maintain a good level of fitness. I read and try to stay informed. I take an active role in raising my children. I maintain friendships and family ties. I function in society despite my sometimes cynical view of it.
Still, there is this deep nagging doubt that I’ve not done enough to prevent some of the negative stuff that has occured lately. For instance, should I have been less stubborn and maintained my programming skills despite the fact that I’ve moved on to senior analysis and team/project leadership of my 20 year IT career? Should/could I have done something different to prevent my marriage from falling apart? Are some of my family members right in that I should move back to Canada to find work (or change careers) despite the fact that it would put me unbearably far from my kids? Should I not have eaten that lousy burrito from the canteen truck in 1993 which might have been the cause of me contracting collitis and having that to deal with that for the rest of my life?
Not that I expect an answer to any of these questions… but still… those nagging doubts… How do you all deal with them?
No, seriously, your concerns about your kids are definitely right on the money. Unless the employment situation is truly desperate, stay close to them. (And find a less jaded CPS officer … )
Sure, there are plenty of regrets. But when you get right down to it, you can’t change the past, you can only learn from it.
Maintaining programming skills sounds like a great case of 20/20 hindsight. I gather there’s a bit of a glut of qualified techies with the dot com crash, but how could you have predicted that? Finding another career where you can put your leadership/management skills to work is probably worth considering.
I can look back on my failed marriage and see all the red flags that I missed at the time … but if I had bailed long ago, or not married her in the first place, I wouldn’t have these two great kids. So I really can’t say I wish I did things differently.
Nothing in your post(s) suggests that you’re repeating mistakes … surely you get at least two tries at expecting different results before you’re insane.
The way I deal with nagging doubts is to remember that everybody has them. If you read some biographies of people you admire, you see that they have nagging doubts too. Or when you are at the bookstore, peak at what other people are buying and you’ll see them with self help books under their arms. Those people look so together, but they are up late at night thinking about serious problems and worries. As a matter of a fact, “How to Stop Worrying and Start Living,” has been a bestseller for years and years. So has “The Power of Positive Thinking.” That’s because most people feel like absolute shit.
The way I see it, the only people who don’t have nagging doubts are either psychos or insufferable jackasses.
I can see where you are coming from about the burrito and that sucks, but think about other mistakes you could have made. Like you could have been high on PCP and accidentally killed a cop. Or you could have been drag racing and ran over a cute little kid. Now those would be some hard-to-live-with consequences.
That’s the way I cope, I guess, is to think about how much worse things could be. I guess in that respect I’m like Anne Frank’s mom. She was always saying how things could be worse, and Anne Frank felt that was a bum philosophy and that you should think about birds and nature or something. I’m not sure. I spent the whole book thinking about how lucky I was to not be trapped in an attic so I missed the point a bit.
That broken record of regret and self-doubt is one of the most soul-crushing things you can fall prey to. During my lowest bout of depression a couple of years ago, the folks in my group therapy gave me some advice on how to beat it. If you get caught in a self-critical loop, get up and do something for an hour. Clean house, do yard work, anything to be busy so that you can’t dwell on your negative thoughts.
I think self-doubt is pretty normal and can be used as a way of improving yourself. If you never sit back and take stock, then how are you going to learn and grow from your mistakes and successes? But, like most other things, moderation is good and obsession is not so good. If you find yourself obsessing over past decisions, especially if it’s to the point where it’s interfering with your ability to make new decisions and move forward, that’s when I would be concerned and look for ways to change your pattern of thinking. I’m generally in the “it could be worse” camp.
One thing I would say, though, is to please not listen to those people telling you to move far away from your kids. No job is worth losing close contact with them, in my opinion. Phone calls from a distance just aren’t a substitute for seeing them regularly and it can set you up to lose parental intimacy and influence with them. Having watched my Ex go through that with his daughter, that can have really damaging effects on both you and your kids. I hope you’re able to make things work so that you can stay close to them.
Once again, loads of reasuring and encouraging advice from everyone. I guess I’m not surprised that many others before me have gone through this and more. Still, it feels good to know that my gut instict is not way off the mark. I know that I will soon find work. I know that staying near my kids is the right thing to do. I know that I’m doing everything I know to the best of my abilities to ensure that things do turn around for me. And yes, things can always get worse but my mantra is that today will be better than yesterday.
(if I do say so myself!)