My husband was deeply offended the other day by a man who, when shaking his hand, grasped his (my husband’s) fingers rather than his palm. I’m pretty sure it was not an issue of a finger-crushing grip, just the fact that the shaker grasped my husband’s fingers. He maintained that this was a power play, a way for the shaker to send a message of superiority of position.
I was rather surprised to hear my husband’s take on the whole thing. Is this part of some unwritten handshake code of which I am unaware?
Wouldn’t there be a lot of other cues? Facial expression, body language, etc.? And what was the social context? Did the guy have a reason to express dominance that way? There isn’t enough information for us to know; maybe your husband is leaping to an unwarranted conclusion…or maybe not.
If the handshake was all he has to go on, I think he’s wrong.
Context: I was with my husband and son on a Saturday morning and we ran into my (new-ish) boss, whom they had never met, outside a store. I introduced my boss to them. Boss shook my husband’s and my son’s hands. The whole exchange lasted a couple of minutes, max.
I agree with your husband. I’ve never missed my target while shaking hands. I’ve known some jerks that pull the “barely a handshake” handshake. It’s a power play or a delivery of the message “you haven’t yet earned my respect for me to give you a proper handshake.”
When I do the “barely a handshake” (by mistake) I never feel like I’m achieving some power play. I feel like I failed at a basic man-activity and am ashamed and embarrassed.
Procrustus, in the future what may help you avoid premature grabbage, is allowing your hand to slide into the other person’s hand before grasping and shaking.
There’s also intuition that went into the OP’s husband’s conclusion. As the recipient of the handshake, he’s the best judge of intent. Since I know there are people that pull that sort of thing on purpose, I’m inclined to believe he read the other party’s motives correctly.
If it was intentional, that’s kind of a silly thing to do. I mean, who’s going to think “He screwed up the handshake; I must bow and scrape to him!” So if that is the intention, it’s gonna fail most of the time.
Because some guys are dicks? You really don’t know this? You don’t know men that pull “I’m the alpha man here” bullshit just as a general rule?
I’d be able to tell if someone missed the palm of my hand or was attempting to shake my fingers around like I was a little girl. I’m betting the OP’s husband can tell the difference too.
I’ve never thought of grabbing the fingers as a dominant gesture. However, palm-down handshakes, or handshakes where the guy is noticeably trying to squeeze harder than you, yes.
I just hope nobody ever tries to guess what my handshakes mean, because I haven’t ever given a single thought about them. Who knows who I’ve insulted?!
