Intimacy after an affair.

[Lust4Life]

Deal breaker for me.

[Sudden_Kestrel]

@Unintentionally_Blank

In the cool calculated calm of an internet forum, I’d agree with you.

Being in a maelstrom of: Not enough sleep, money issues, loss of self, two constantly needy twin boys, the death of a father and grandfather, the loss of the wife’s income, the death of two long loved pets…an unhappy career you feel trapped in…

I could see how a little interest from a 3rd party could make someone stray. A little selfish comfort. I didn’t do it, but I wasn’t far away from the temptation.

“If you screw up, it’s over” is another one of those ultimatums that sometimes isn’t worth the paper it’s written on, if only because it’s made without the benefit of experience.

How may unhappy marriages are you aware of? How long did they take to get that way? Who’s fault is it? It’d be nice to insert a pithy saying about keeping the homefires burning, but I think you get the point.

It takes an unhappy union to breed an affair. It takes a lack of communication. It takes a lack of teamwork. Something like that can happen easily over the course of a relationship that spans decades. I’m not including the relationships that suffer from a lack of maturity…Kardashians need not apply.

I think you’re misunderstanding me. There is no ultimatum, no threat, no assignation of blame, nothing like that. My husband and I simply have certain conditions that form the basis of our marriage, and it is mutually agreed that infidelity is not something that either of us will tolerate at any level. The reason for that infidelity is irrelevant. The extent of the betrayal is irrelevant. The question of who is at fault is irrelevant. The only relevant issue is that the trust between us, something that is hard-won on both sides for whatever reasons, would be completely destroyed. That single betrayal would put any kind of partnership or “teamwork” outside the realm of possibility.

In our case, and possibly in the cases of others who are calling infidelity a deal breaker, if you have reached that level of brokenness in a relationship the ethical decision is to end it. If my husband came to me and told me that he wanted to pursue a relationship with someone else, we would amicably but regretfully divorce. If he chose instead to sneak out and begin that relationship with someone else, he would have basically begun unilateral divorce proceedings in a much more dishonest, unethical way. This would apply if our positions were reversed as well. We understand that.

As Vihaga pointed out, having a condition like this in a relationship does not speak at all to the level of experience or maturity of the people involved. In our case, I think having such a clearly stated policy, if you will, about infidelity is the direct result of our considerable relationship experience and our maturity. We were in our 30s when we married and will celebrate our 20th anniversary next year. Our marriage has survived many challenges like those you mentioned in your post precisely because we are very clear on what we need and expect from each other. We talk about everything, even the hard stuff. It could be that understanding the high price of “a little interest from a 3rd party” makes us more likely in times of crisis to turn to each other for comfort and affection and support.

None of this in any way says that the way you and your wife handled your relationship crises is wrong or in any way inferior. I am sincerely glad that it has worked for you and I wish you continued happiness and success. Just try to keep in mind that it is not the only “right” way to have a happy marriage.