Intimacy, for want of a better thread title

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I searched and did not find a new-ish thread on this topic. Over in the thread that I’ll call The Intimacy Frequency Thread (actual title is, How often do you do it?), over here,

➜ How often do you do it? - #18 by Bullitt ◆

… if you’re not familiar with it, it’s about your love life and your self-reported frequency of love making. @commasense started it a couple of days ago, and I’m grateful that s/he did.

I started to draft a reply there that was drifting into personal details and decided those belong in a different thread. Here is that drift…

I was married from 23 to 35 (wow, 23, was I young!), divorced from 35 to 41, and have been married since 41. I’m now 65, and I’m male.

When I was divorced it was mostly never (frequency of sex), except there was one special lady for a brief time and then it was several times with her. Special memories indeed. I’ve been married now for 24 years but I do think of her from time to time. She moved out of the area years ago, and she’s now elsewhere in the country. First it was North Carolina, and now I believe she’s in Colorado. I hope she is well. There are times when my mind drifts, and I wonder how life would be if we had connected permanently. I sincerely do hope she is well.

Those moments for me were some fantasies lived out. In a time when I really needed it. Voraciously so. Maybe not the most shocking fantasies, and I’m not trying to win a thread, but it was during a time when I was grieving in my divorce years that one special lady provided much-needed intimacies. We both needed it.

And it was a time of satisfying some long pent up needs and desires, a time ‘when precious flesh was greedily consumed’, if you will. With apologies to Dan Fogelberg, may he Rest In Peace. I could get more specific but for now I’ll keep it G-rated and leave it there.

Anyway, mostly I was monk-like during my divorced years. I was a single father with 3 young’uns and I didn’t date a lot. When I dated, I segregated that activity from my kids. I wanted to be ‘there’ for them, physically and emotionally, and I did not want to unnecessarily complicate their lives and their time of grieving the divorce by introducing a revolving door of women.

With my wife, back when we were dating, there came the time to introduce our relationship to the kids, who at that time were 14, 12, and 10 years old (2 boys, and the youngest a girl). Fortunately my then-girlfriend was patient and respectful, with my kids and with where they were in the divorce process, and she was also patient and respectful with her own needs for intimacy. She wasn’t demanding and selfish, as I’ve observed in other relationships (my brother for one). She put my kids’ needs above her own. And so did I. They are the true victims in a divorce. And I’ve always been grateful to her for that.

In both my marriages I’ve been (or I was) fully and completely faithful and monogamous in them. Except there was this one time, without getting into specifics. I realize that could mean anything from an emotional attachment to full-blown sex. It was somewhere in between, and I’ll just leave it there. Otherwise my first marriage lasted about 12 years, and my current one is 24 years and going strong. My first marriage ended because she encountered some sort of midlife crisis. We were still young, both of us in our early- to mid-30s. She left us in a sudden surprise, a complete and utter surprise to not just me but also to our kids (who experts say are the first to know, but, NO), and also to her family and to my family (my 4 siblings, and parents). Her parents would call me and ask, @Bullitt, What’s happening??? And then later with their saying, @Bullitt, We’re afraid that one day she’ll wake up and realize she’s made a tragic mistake, and it’ll be too late. Anyway, it was sudden and drastic, and it left me crushed.

These days I’m in a very happy marriage. We spent a little time a few years back together with @FloatyGimpy, if she’s still around, and very briefly with @ThelmaLou, who might be able to speak to that. I’ve been very blessed.

Anyway there is more on this topic but I think for now that’s enough for an OP. Jeez it’s already long enough.

So, yeah, intimacy. This isn’t about simply sex, although sex is of course a subset of intimacy. Care to share?

Over in that other thread, we had this,

… I think it’s appropriate to do that here, if you’re so inclined.

Apologies for the long OP!

2

My husband is the only person I’ve been truly intimate with. I had a brief consensual sexual experience with one guy when I was 17 and I started dating my husband when we were 19. I had severe PTSD. My primary means of coping was avoidance.

So for a long time it was a lot of avoidance. I think it was harder on him than me, but he never, ever pressured or guilted me, and we really totally had compartmentalized. So I still feel like we were very intimate despite the infrequency of our sex. (And when we had it, it was fantastic. I just still really struggled with getting started.)

After my son was born when we were 37, he changed - and hell, maybe I did too. He was no longer okay with my avoidance. I went back to therapy and after about two years of EMDR, I started hyperfixating on Zen meditation for a few months. I meditated up to three hours a day. Somehow the synergy between meditation and EMDR therapy caused something in me to change. I no longer have this avoidance issue. The fear is gone. I still avoid traumatic memories in other ways, so I think there are still issues. But it’s not an issue in my sex life any longer. I don’t dread sex or feel panic like I used to. I have no idea what actually caused the breakthrough.

But we still have a lot going on, which makes things hard. We have a six year old son with a disability and all the work that entails. We both work full time. And currently, I am sick. And prior to this, he was sick. So we’re still challenged to set aside that time together.

The reason I’m sharing this is because I think it’s important to be open about sex and I think it’s important for people to understand how sexual trauma can completely ruin your sex life. And the abuse I experienced, compared to what some experience, was not that bad, and I think it’s important to understand that what looks like a relatively minor experience can really fuck you up for decades. But the hard part of it for me was that the perpetrator was someone I loved and trusted and that whole dynamic of “I love this person but I don’t want to do this but I also don’t want to hurt their feelings” was basically the same dynamic carrying over to my marriage. And it was also traumatic because it happened repeatedly for years and there was no escape, only escalation. So I’m not trying to minimize what happened. It sucked. I’m just trying to explain what this can look like in a marriage.

But when you go through something like that with someone, with a partner, that experience in and of itself is a kind of intimacy. It has required us to talk a lot about sex. My husband is the only man I’ve ever felt 100% safe with as regards intimacy. He is safety personified. Just smelling his scent makes me feel better. Or listening to his heart beat. I love this man so much.

As for my fantasies, I’m very into BDSM scenarios, as a sub, but I don’t think that’s particularly shocking. (I don’t think it has anything to do with my abuse history.) Being helpless with someone is about as trusting as it gets, and I think I’ve romanticized that idea quite a lot. My first novel is about a BDSM romance. Well actually it’s about healing from trauma so you can safely embrace that part of yourself with a loving partner. So the idea of this practice has a lot of meaning to me.

I’ve never practiced in real life, but I’m okay with that. Given all my fantasies, the real thing would probably be a let down.

3

I did that thing that teenagers do with my high school girlfriend, she was my first (I was her fourth :open_mouth: ), we kept it up for a year or so ago until our relationship fizzled out. I had a one-night stand in college, then I dated a woman and kept up a Friends With Benefits situation with her afterwards; all told, our relationship lasted maybe two years. Mrs. H was my fourth and, presumably, final.

I’m interested (obliquely) in BDSM scenarios, both as dom and sub, but Mrs. H isn’t into it. She’s also not into anal, which I only did once (pre Mrs. H.) and absolutely loved, but I guess that ship has sailed.

4

Zilch until my senior year of college; she was my first girlfriend and we were very incompatible. It should never have gone past one date, but I was desperate (which is no excuse). Barely had so much as one date, and no physical contact, until I was 28. My landlady (10 years older) and I got drunk and had a one night stand. Met a friend of friends and got horizontal a few times; she was interested at first but lost interest. Had a girl friend around age 30; this was the first relationship I thought might go somewhere. A few months of third base, then she dumped me. Met Ms. P right before I turned 31. A huge mismatch as far as previous experience went, but 31 years later my eyes still light up when she disrobes.

5

Similar to me. For me: zilch until my freshman year of college.

6

I’ve mostly been a mess, but somehow that hasn’t affected my intimacy / ~sex life, which has basically been my forté through my relationships, most of which have been quite long.

A late bloomer due to introversion and social anxiety, I’ve spent my adult life in four separate major relationships (one night stands excluded), of which the present one has lasted for more than a decade and is still going strong. We have experienced dry spells due to stress, fatigue and arguments, but have always bounced back to having great sex, with great non-sex intimacy, as well. Quality beats quantity any day, all day, anyway.

8

Someone mentioned BDSM. I noticed when reading various erotica that those scenarios always got my juices flowing. I decided to try it. I was living in a major city and there were Dommes who advertised role-playing. I enjoyed be a sub, since I was self - employed it was a change to give the power and decision - making to a woman. AS Time went on I noticed that my needs seemed to change. During times when business was really good money was plentiful I felt very “subby”. When times were tight, & money scarce I wanted to be the “Top” in the scene. I would do this maybe 4 times a year. When I offered these role-playing games to my wife she reacted with horror.
Now I am retired, fixed income. No “UP” or “down” times with funds. No freedom to have a few hours to myself. Occasionaly I miss that fun, but I am happy I was able to sample it.