Last weekend was my dear friend M’s birthday, so I took him out for the traditional dinner-and-movie. (The birthday dinner-and-movie differs from the usual dinner-and-movie in that the celebrator gets to pick the movie with no particular regard to the other’s tastes, and the other pays instead of it being Dutch treat – so, slightly different from a typical evening together, but not significantly.)
Anyway, M’s best friend, S, joined us for dinner, which was okay because it was M’s birthday, but jeez freakin’ louise, I really don’t like S. I have on various occasions described her (never to M, to whom I’ve never said a word about my dislike because why put him in the middle of a situation that he can’t do anything about?) as “bumptious,” “frenetic,” and “obnoxious.”
IOW, she’s a typical extrovert, and I’m a typical introvert.
This got me thinking about the old “opposites attract” thing. M is another introvert, as are most of my friends. M and S dated for a while 5 or 6 years ago, which didn’t work out for a huge number of reasons, but they have remained incredibly close friends, so obviously he gets something out of the frequent companionship of an extrovert. I can think of several marriages that pair opposites, but I can also think of several marriages of two introverts. I don’t know any matched pairs of extroverts off the top of my head, but, as I said, most of my friends are introverts.
Anybody have any light to shed on this? (And I’m throwing in a poll, 'cuz why not?)
I am an extrovert and I am married to an extrovert. I do take a bit of offense to your labeling of extroverts as “bumptious,” “frenetic,” and “obnoxious.” There are probably equally offensive labels that one could come to mind about introverts.
While I have lots of friends of both types. For a “spend everyday of my life with partner”, I don’t think I could do that with an introvert. I have always been attracted to other extroverts. Our friends, again a mix of types, laugh that whenever we are all together, that my wife’s and my personalities fight to be the life of the party. We don’t see it that much, but other’s do.
I am an extrovert married to an introvert. I am typically drawn to that type romantically. Maybe I just like having the spotlight?
I don’t find him particularly introverted with me, we talk and laugh like a normal couple. I tend to be the social lubricant with other people, though. He is much quieter when it’s not just us!
I score pretty middling with introversion/extroversion and enjoy friendships with all types.
My husband is highly introverted and finds highly extroverted people difficult to spend a lot of time around, but does just fine with ‘averagely’ extroverted people.
We’ve talked about this, and he sees highly extroverted people (e.g. people who will tell you anything and everything about their lives, people who will ask you anything and everything about your own life, people who ask you a question but don’t really listen to the answer so they ask you the same question later in the conversation, people who speak in a loud voice) as being quite rude. No doubt some highly extroverted people see my husband as being equally rude but in different ways!
I think it often comes down to your own tolerance for different types of people.
I can see and appreciate the benefits of being an introvert and of being an extrovert. My husband, on the other hand, really believes deep down inside that introverts are ‘better’ people. And I’m sure there are some extroverts that believe the opposite.
For most things, I think people should be similar. Opposites may attract, but similarities keep people together. However, in this case, I’m an introvert who prefers extroverts as romantic partners. I’d rather depend on someone else to handle the speaking in public, doing the more outgoing things, etc.
I tend to fluctuate (almost put flatulate) between introverted and extroverted depending on the situation.
As a result - I tend to have friends in both camps.
On the surface, my SO would appear more introverted around strangers. But I’ve seen him stand in front of a whole crowd of peers and have them laughing and smiling.
I am an introvert at heart, although I am a very social person. (I prefer people in small groups, and “resting” requires time alone or with one SO.) I have had bad experiences of both types, but mainly with extroverts who consider a night spent with just the two of us a night wasted. (Or who need interaction so constantly that they even talk to me through the bathroom door. Ick!) I also dislike dating introverts who border on agoraphobic.
But in the last analysis, the person I will be happiest with is an introvert like myself.
I’m an extrovert who prefers the company of other extroverts - because man you introverts can be hard work!
The problem is the introverts I know seem to think that it’s acceptable to let the extroverts make all the conversational legwork. Sometimes I feel like a friggin’ performing seal, being watched expectantly by a lot of people who expect me to entertain them ALL. THE. TIME.
My best friend is the same, and we frequently get invited to potentially dull parties to “bring the fun”. We even got told recently “you have to come to my party, you’re social glue!”
I put “Other” because the terms Introvert and Extrovert kinda imply rigid polarity.
If I were to use a scale where 0=Autism and 10=Shoot-them-with-a-tranquilizer gun-Mania, then I would fall about 4, more Introverted than Average, but not asocial. I prefer folks on the more Extroverted side, because I tend to mirror those around me and they bring me out. But full on party animals are from a different planet and I can’t be comfortable around them.
On a scale of Introvert <-----*----->Extrovert, I’m just to the left of center, so a little intorverted. I’m not one of those shy people, I just don’t need to say very much to be content most of the time.
There are few conversations I find more painful than ones with other introverts who are more introverted. Not only is it boring, it’s also stressful to be the one who is burdened with the job of trying to carry a conversation. So, most everyone I enjoy spending time with, from female friends to guys I’d like to know in the biblical sense, is more extroverted than me. Being around extroverts tends to energize me too, which makes it easier to speak freely. I also like being around people who are happy enough to talk 60% of the time to my 40% and they think I’m a good listener, so it’s win-win.
I keep both types of friends on hand, and try to regulate myself to each as needed- some days I feel more social, and I hang out w/ my extroverted friends, but then I feel tired, and it’s always nice to have an quiet night in w/ the introverted friends. And in a group it can all vary as we are all comfortable enough with each other to share the roles as needed.
I think I might be your husband. It’s not that I find highly extroverted people rude, so much annoying and exhausting. The phrases “my Og, don’t you ever STFU?” and “Jeebus, I’m not deaf” tend to come to mind quite a lot. My friends are a fair mix of introvert and extrovert, but they tend to hover near the middle of the scale.
Most of my friends (and my boyfriend) like other people and being around people more than I, but most of them also have a small group of close friends instead of a large social circle, and a phone phobia.
I did not mean to imply that *all *extroverts are bumptious, frenetic, and/or obnoxious – but this one particular woman definitely is. My apologies to all the well-behaved extroverts out there … some of my best friends and all that. (Seriously, though most of my friends are fellow introverts, one of my best friends is a garrulous extrovert. He does a good 85% of the talking in our weekly coffees. )
These type of questions are always a bit difficult for me to answer. I classify myself as an introvert, because I like my alone time, prefer talking one on one (or really small groups). The thing is, though, if I’m with that one person, I want to actually talk to them. Usually that means more work on my part if they are introverts. So it’s less work to meet and talk with extroverts, so you’d think I preferred them.
But that’s not the whole story: Most introverts will become more talkative after you’ve warmed them up a bit, at least in one-on-one situations. Quite a few become more talkative than the extroverts. I generally find that we have more to talk about. So you’d think I’d prefer introverts.
But then there’s that whole small group thing. I’m not extroverted enough to handle “warm up” two people, so I need someone more extraverted than me in that group. And it needs to be the type that actually enjoys getting everyone to talk, and not the type that will talk over everyone or who gets tired of it. Once we get the conversation started, I can help pick up the slack.
So I had to go with option 3. Different circumstances need different types of people. That said, I have to agree with mssmith: the extremes can get annoying. I’ll still be your friend, but we won’t hang out much.
I made an extremely similar poll a couple of weeks ago.
It seems most people around here are attracted to extroverts (the majority of them introverts themselves). Only a handful of people considering themselves extroverts responded, though, so not as much data there.
Not poking at you personally, but quoting it because it helped me phrase my own post.
I prefer the kind of people who takes a while to open up, and who doesn’t feel the obligation to break the silence, but who does open up once common ground has been found. So, neither someone who Won’t Shut The Fuck Up even when they’re handing chicken soup to a person who’s having both the flu and killer migraine (hi Mom!), nor someone who makes getting information out of him feel like a spear-fishing contest (Middlebro, don’t you dare give me that crap, I did help install your buttons!).
I’ve learned to blahblah without really saying anything, but I don’t use it when I’m with people I like; when I’m with someone I like, I either say something that conveys actual information or shut up.
)