Washington, DC (AP) - President Bush follows up on Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld’s latest address.
A lot of people like to kid me about ‘mission accomplished’. Ha ha. Look, you homo-commy freaks, I’ve got a thing or two to tell ya. This is America, and in America, the president makes the rules. You want the troops to come home? Well, boo-hoo. If the troops shot up that fuckin’ place the way their president told them to shoot it up, they could come home anytime they wanted. If they weren’t such a bunch of pussies, always asking for body armor and other sissy gear, we’d be folding up our tents and kissing Abdul goodbye. Next thing you know they’ll all want skirts. Let Abdul do what he does best: poke around in the sand for oil. And let me do what I do best: speak for this goddam country.
And make no mistake. I AM the war president. I’m not just the god of war, I’m the god of all the war gods of war put together. There’s a goddam reason I wasn’t in Vietnam, you peacenik pansies. When you’re mopping up little rice pickers, you don’t need to send in your big guns! I’m the nucular fucking option. If I was flying over Vietnam, I’d have shot down more Charlie jets than anyone. Rat-tat-tat… Boom! Carter, or whoever was in charge at the time, would have had to stand up in the United Nations and say, “Yeah, I’m not fuckin’ around anymore, and that’s why I had to send in Gee Double-U. So stick it in your ears, you foreign loosers.” I just want to set the record straight on that.
And America’s job ain’t near over. No Sir. You know goddam well that Syria is holding on to Saddam’s weapons of mass destruction. Now there’s a guy that flipped us the bird, and I’ll tell you what, we broke it off and shoved it up his ass. Now Syria is flippin’ America off. I’ll give you two guesses what’s gonna happen. Then there’s fuckin’ Iraq, and you just know they dream about two things. Teanage American pussy and nukin’ Americans. We’ll, American pussy is my pussy, and there ain’t no raghead gonna finger America on my watch. And the list isn’t over. I’ll tell ya right now that two terms isn’t gonna be enough, so don’t say I didn’t warn ya. What about that little Korean guy? See, you forgot about him, didn’t you? Well I didn’t. It’s my job not to forget that little fucker, and I’ll make Korea sorry before everything is said and done.
People don’t want America to be the world policeman. Well, I say that’s OK. American isn’t a policeman. Amercia is Walker, Texas Ranger, only with a sack full of doorknobs, and a lot taller than that pipsqueak Chuck Norris. What’s his problem anyway? He’s standing there on my TV last night, and he’s right next to Christy Brinkley, and he’s saying, “I gotta workout, that’s why I’ve got this here rubber band and pulley contraption.” Hey, Chuck, how about you act like an American and bend that fine filly over that rubberband gizmo and have a real workout?
So you just rest tight tonight, my fellow Americans, because Uncle George is on first, last, and only, watch. Just put your jammies on and sweet dreams. Because me, and Scooter, and Turd Blossom, and Rummy, we’ve got your back.
GWB