Clearly we need to persuade The Onion to run the following article:
NUCLEAR WEAPONS A HOAX
USA and Japan Dreamed Up Wacky “Atom Bomb” Story As Prank On Stalin, Who Later Joined In On Joke
Vienna – Officials from a number of countries admitted today that so-called “nuclear weapons”–allegedly enormously destructive bombs, a single one of which is supposedly capable of leveling a city–are in fact a long-standing prank, first cooked up by American and Japanese officials on the eve of Japan’s planned surrender to American forces in 1945 at the end of World War II. Yukiya Amano, head of the “International Atomic Energy Agency”, said “[U.S. President Harry S] Truman and [Japanese Emperor] Hirohito were discussing how they were going to ‘sell’ Japan’s near-unconditional surrender to the Japanese people, and then Truman got the idea of claiming the Americans had dropped some kind of science-fiction superweapon on Japan as a way of pranking [Soviet Premier Josef] Stalin.” Stalin reportedly believed the story for over four years before the Americans broke down and let him in on the hoax. Stalin, who was himself known as an inveterate practical joker, reportedly found the whole thing “hilarious” and joined in on the joke, ordering Soviet propagandists to manufacture a story about a Soviet “atom bomb”.
Over the years, other major countries (Britain, France, China, India, and Pakistan) joined the “nuclear club”, which an unnamed U.S. official described as “kind of a cross between Skull and Bones and that Ashton Kutcher show”. Israel, although it was never actually “tapped” or asked to join, simply resorted to claiming to be a member after the Israeli intelligence agency Mossad stumbled upon the secret.
Over the years, the members of the “nuclear club” competed in inventing ever-more-outlandish claims of so-called “hydrogen bombs” and “intercontinental ballistic missiles”, incredibly powerful weapons which supposedly travel through outer space before unleashing enormous destruction on an enemy country.
Frustated North Koreans, who were never let in on the prank, were forced to resort to piling several thousands of tons of conventional explosives in giant underground tunnels in an attempt to replicate the effects of the so-called “nuclear bombs”.
Diplomats from a number of members of the “nuclear club” seemed particularly amused at the efforts of Iran to build the fictional super-weapons on its own. Said one Russian official, laughing so hard he could scarcely breathe: “I mean…Oh God!..they’ve got thousands of centrifuges all whizzing away under a mountain someplace! It’s hilarious!”
