Irritating Jesus freak lady who works at my grandma's rest home: shut the HELL up!

The BBQ Pit
1

Today I went to see my grandma and brought along some pictures from my Europe trip. Unfortunately my mom and I had to leave early so she could go to work, and grandma couldn’t see the pictures this time, but while she was saying good-bye to her, a lady who helps clean the home and take care of the three old ladies there accosted me and asked if she could see a few.

“Sure…” I said, and glanced through for some nice ones. I came to the one of our group perched on the statue of Marx and Engels in former East Berlin.

“Oh, how cute… Did you know Karl Marx was Jewish? But he didn’t follow Yahweh, bless his heart.”

Umm, okay. Flipping through some more…

“Do you have any pictures of the former Berlin Wall?”

“Yeah, in fact I have one of me with one foot in West Berlin and one in East Berlin - here!”

“Amazing. Now, you know, God was responsible for this Wall coming down. A lot of men took credit for it, but it was all his work.”

I begin to back away towards the door at this point.

A few moments later, a lady whose mother owns the rest home came in from the pool. “Oh, pictures of Europe! You know, I just went to the Grand Canyon earlier this summer…” and she proceeded to tell me about it - it sounded really neat.

“And you know what’s so incredible about the Grand Canyon, don’t you?” Insane Woman chimes in. “That was cut into the earth by the flood in Noah’s time! Just like the Atlantic and the Pacific Ocean… they’re all remnants of the flood!”

Oh, for Christ’s sake, lady…

Listen. My grandma is 93 years old. She has been a Roman Catholic since she was in utero. And if there’s anything you need to know about Catholics, they don’t like praise-the-lord shit. They don’t even read the Bible. They go to Mass and do what guys with funny collars tell them to. They just want to sit around and munch on their communion wafers and say their Hail Marys in peace.

I don’t agree with it either. But if I ever, EVER, hear of you shoving your brand of crap down my grandma’s throat you’ll get a piece of my mind not long after. And no one else wants to hear it, either. So please, please, PLEASE just shut up.

Oh, and the Atlantic Ocean? That’s a little something we in the business like to call “plate tectonics”, sweetheart. Ignorant fuck.

2

Gah! I fucking hate that!

I love the gym I go to, and my favorite part of the gym-I-love is sitting in the hot tub after I work out and feeling all the little ouchie muscles relax.

Normally, I don’t mind a little chitchat with other hot tub partakers. I’ll even sit silently and ignore you and your buddy while you talk about going to Camp Pendleton and hooking up with multiple horny Marines. What ever creams your twinkie, sugar.

But the guy that held court that Sunday night, quizzing the other innocent hot tubbers, should have had his hide removed in inch-wide strips and then have been dipped in margarita salt.

You know what, brainstem? I don’t care what kind of literal-interpretationist, young-earther fundamentalist you are, dinosaurs are not the offspring of angels with a penchant for bestiality. And no, Genesis doesn’t really offer any supporting evidence for your whacked out claim. So, please, get it through your skull that there’s isn’t any kind of masterbation that is appropriate in a public hot tub - including telling people what a swollen and powerful God you’ve got.

3

Heh. Well said, phouka.

I figure, you don’t give me unsolicited religious opinions, I ain’t gonna tell you about my open sores.

4

Okay, this is kinda unrelated, but it just happened to me yesterday and I thought it was funny. A friend of mine, an art history minor, came to visit me in Greenville, South Carolina, and wanted to see the art museum at Bob Jones University (largest collection of religious art in the country). While we’re there. one of the BoJos comes up and starts asking us if we’ve been born again and do we read the Bible and the like. I was trying very hard not to offend her, because we were on her home turf, but I didn’t want to lie either. I said something about the history of Christianity, and the woman suddenly got this look of pure shock on her face and said, “I don’t want to be rude, but I just want to know–are you deep? It’s okay if you are, my brother is.”

What the hell does that mean? Am I deep?

5

So, was ThisYearsGirl born deep, or does she choose the “deep lifestyle”?

6

Are you DEEP? I lived in South Carolina for 11 years and never heard that one.

Maybe he meant Deep 13? Like in MST3K?

[Crow voice] . . . (Watching a Hercules movie) . . . Joel, I hate watching movies where the guys are wearing shorter skirts than the women![/Crow voice]

7

No, it’s
“Joel, I hate movies where the men wear shorter skirts than the women!”

It was right before the PANTS song!

“Dolphins, one of the smartest mammals on earth! Do they wear pants? No. But they wish they did! That’s how smart they are!”

8

…I HATE THESE PEOPLE!!

Several kids that I know constantly try to convince me that God exists (I’m an Atheist). So they say, “In the Bible it says that God created the world.”

“I know that, thank you. So?”

“Then God created the world.”

“So since it’s in a book, it’s true.” At this point, I’m irritated.

“No!”

“Then how do you know?”

It goes on and on. Apparently, they’ve been there, but they refuse to say so. How do they know that the Bible wasn’t written as a practical joke? (Actually, I think that the Bible was written as a serious piece, but I do not know this directly. That’s because I wasn’t there. Neither were they, unless they’re part of a race that look like human kids after thousands of years.)

They also keep bothering me about reincarnation, where does your soul go, etc. Now, if science was a religion, I would be a high priest. I think that your soul is a bunch of electric charges, and when you die, these charges just go into the air and turn into heat, blending into the background. Sample conversation-

“Okay then,” they opened. “Where does your soul go, if God doesn’t exist?”

“Souls don’t exist,” I say, knowing what’s coming.

“Then what do we have?”

At some point, I’ll eventually get it through their thick skulls that the brain uses electrical impulses to convey stuff, believed to be thoughts. When I start to explain, one turns to the rest and says, “Listen to this guy. He believes in some electricity crap.”

Electricity crap?! Get a brain, dumbass! People have actually gone and checked this out. Electrical impulses stimulate the body. People have tested to see if there are electrical impulses in the brain, and there are! We know that electricity exists! All you’ve got is some stupid book!

(Incidentally, I realize that I have not directly seen these tests on the brain. They don’t, however. I realize that this is a weak point in my argument. However, I have seen many things referring to the “electrical impulses” thing as fact, while I only see different versions of the same book for their proof. I have a better chance of my sources being honest.)

AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!! These people drive me insane!

Ignorant idiots mentioned above: I have nothing against religion, guys, but I don’t have to believe it! SHUT UP ALREADY!

OK, I really have to calm down. Sorry, but having this exact same thing done to you every single friggin’ day for two years…

9

Sui, sweetie. Chill. I agree, and I’ve argued it so many times with religious freaks that I just got to the point where I’m sick of arguing. I do anything I can to avoid an argument. “Do you love god?” “I don’t know if god exists” “Well He does, so there” “How do you know that? Because a book with no author, that was written thousands of years ago, revised, chopped up, added to, and translated into hundreds of languages tells you so? Great reasoning”
This ensues I heated argument in which the words “heathen” “devil worshipper” and “you are going to hell” are sure to arise. I just sort of scoff and walk away. I don’t try to convert people from being religious, why do they feel the need to do that to me?

10

The amusing thing (maybe I should say the only amusing thing) about these “I must tell the world of the power of God so that I can prove to myself how bloody pious I am” people is that they tend to lack even a basic knowledge of the Bible itself. I am not Christian, but I own copies of the Bible in several languages, and I get many stony looks when I point out Biblical references that contradict most arguments.

Furthermore, as I recall (not having my copy of the KJV handy) the beginning of Matthew 6 says something about faith being between you and God alone. You shouldn’t be like those people who pray loudly in the streets and do pious acts to be noticed, but speak to God privately, in your own home, because no-one else needs to be involved.

I further interpret this (and many people disagree with me) as a condemnation of open and unsolicited proseltizing, of which I get a lot whenever I go out wearing my Pentagram and/or showing my tattoos.

Plus … that person in the OP wasn’t spreading the Word of God, she was spreading the Word of Herself. Or at least that’s the impression I got.

(Slightly off topic, my friends and I once made a list of responses to the question “Have you found Jesus?” ranging from “Yeah, the guy owes me a fiver” to “Is he lost again? That’s why we pagans use the buddy system!”)