What do you do when someone has different little habits and traits that drive you nuts? What do you do when that someone is you?
I’m not sure if this topic has ever come up before, but I was thinking today that I think that I do or say things that irritate others at times. For example, sometimes I talk too much. It’s like once I get rolling it’s hard to stop. I try to tell myself that it’s not a good thing to do, but in the heat of the moment, there I am rambling away. I’m also late to just about everything. I tell myself to stop doing that, but then still am late. I don’t seem to view time in the way that I should, and underestimate how long it will take to finish what I need to do and get in the car.
Mostly by noticing them, and then trying to change them. I don’t know if there’s much else. They say that, if you do something new for 21 days, it’ll become a habit.
My annoying habit is getting so dadblasted angry.
For your problems: Uh, set your clocks back and try to trick yourself. Anytime you have an appointment, tell yourself that it starts, say 10 minutes earlier. Heck, do it gradually, building up to it.
Talking too much is a lot harder, because it depends on your motivations and why you want to stop. Most people don’t actually talk too much, but just have few annoying habits. IF you’re talking so much that you’re making yourself late, try a watch or phone with an alarm. If you are a nervous talker, well, work on those nerves.
Ask yourself periodically if you’ve asked the person you’re talking to anything about themselves within the last half hour; chances are good that if you haven’t, you’re talking too much. (Obvious exceptions for extreme situations, i.e., breakups, job loss, etc.)
I have a friend I am seriously “up to here” with because her habit of talking about herself/her job/her BS has become so overwhelming that I feel more like a dumping ground than a friend. If she does ask me about myself, she either nods and changes the subject, or she lectures me on how I can improve myself. All the while being horribly defensive if the latter tactic is EVER used on her own situation. It’s gotten to the point that I’m literally babysitting her just to avoid it. “Yes. OK. Yep. You’re right. That sucks. OK.” I’m not even listening. I’m just waiting for my shift to end.
If you are aware you talk too much, that’s a fabulous start, and you probably don’t get as carried away as you think. Self-awareness is a good, good thing.
And as for being late…as dorky as it sounds, lying to yourself about the time can help. If it starts at 7, tell yourself it starts at 6:45. Even though you know it isn’t true, the new “false time” may motivate you. I’ve told myself I have to stop somewhere beforehand, even though I don’t, so I get out of the house early enough to get there on time. (I’m late half the time myself.) I also set my cell phone sometimes to give me an alarm clock. Even if I just turn the alarm off immediately, it gives me a sense of urgency. Being late is rude and I hate it! I’m getting better.
How do you recognize these things? I know there’s stuff I do that irritate other people, but I can’t figure out what those things are, so I’m slightly envious. (I say slightly because I’m sensitive enough that if I did know what irritated other people, I’d probably beat myself up about it.)
Anyways, to answer your question, the best advice I can give is that when I want to change something about myself, I tell other people about my goal. Talking about it keeps the goal at the forefront of my thought, and it sort of makes me feel like other people are holding me accountable.
I started the nervous talking thing a few years back. Big T, you are absolutely right and I didn’t stop to analyze it, but I do talk more when I’m anxious. I can tell when it gets irritating because people will start to fidget of stop making eye contact. Then I know I’ve rambled too long and I get embarassed and stop. I need to stop before that happens! I don’t want to be that person that people don’t want to talk to because I end up taking over the conversation. I go to school with someone who goes on and on and on and on and it’s made me wonder if I do the same thing.
Some of the things that have happened to me recently have upset me and I need to talk. I’ve come to the realization that my co-workers aren’t there to listen to my problems, they are there to chat with and then get back to work already. We all get along well and I know that they are concerned, but there is a time and a place for things.
I know that rationally, but there are times that I can’t seem to stop myself.
It sounds like you’re already on the road to recovery if you notice that you’re doing it in the first place. But when you notice yourself doing something like rambling, as far as I’m concerned, you have two options to correct it:
Try to stop before it starts. When you do this, you’ll probably feel yourself starting to wind up. Or, if you don’t, next time you do something like this, listen to yourself so you know what you feel like when you’re winding up. You can also ask someone else to tell you what you sound like when you’re about to ramble. My husband has done this with me after an hour-long monologue during which I was on the receiving end. He abruptly realized that I hadn’t said anything but “uh-huh” for about 45 minutes and asked me to let him know what he sounded like before he began - the way he starts is distinct from how he starts any other conversation. Anyway, before you go there, go to something more inoccuous like the weather, what you’re doing this weekend, etc. Then, small talk over, get back to work.
If you’ve already begun, you do have the right to stop mid-sentence and say, “You know what? I just realized I’m rambling.” Then change the subject. Yes, it might sound a little awkward and weird, but you’d be surprised how many people are understanding of that. Most people ramble a little bit at one time or another; not many people realize they’re doing it and cut it out before it has become annoying.
As for your time issue, try shooting to leave for anything 15 minutes earlier than you need to.
Good luck on your journey. Everyone has traits they find annoying in themselves. For example, I get really submissive during confrontation or after an argument with my husband, even when I was the one who started it. It’s like I’m afraid he’s going to reject me or leave because I’ve asserted myself. I don’t do that with anyone else and I otherwise have a fairly confident personality, so hearing myself get all meek pisses me off. I’m trying not to do that anymore (get submissive), but it isn’t easy to rein it in once it’s become a habit. Part of my problem is that I wait to have a confrontation until I’m really pissed about something, so I’m more likely to say something I’d regret during the confrontation or get so mad I don’t even have a coherent argument. Then I either say something I don’t mean or can’t explain myself, so I get frustrated. I’m trying to take care of problems earlier rather than later and to actually listen to myself when I talk, even if listening entails me thinking, “Don’t go there…don’t do it…damn. I went there.”
With respect to the time thing - I am absolutely, positively, always a bit early for whatever I need to attend. Even when I know it’s a doctor’s office that runs 45 minutes late - I’m still early.
However I seem to attract people into my life who are chronically late. From my end it seemed like meeting me on time wasn’t all that important to them, therefore they didn’t respect me. I had a huge “aha” moment when I began to ask my friends why they were always late.
You said it yourself, purple haze . . .
That is the thing right there. In order for me to be on time (early) I don’t try to complete any other task than to get out the door in a reasonable time frame.
Without exception my friends who are always late try to accomplish just one more thing before they leave and that makes them late. So my recommendation would be to prioritize your tasks - abandoning those that aren’t salient to arriving somewhere on time. When you do that you’ll find the luxury of arriving on time - and not anxious that you’ve been late.
I also talk too much, and neurotically when nervous. I’ve spent my life trying to not do that - usually I visualize a woman I can’t stand because she goes on and on and on about drivel - that usually gets me under control. It’s a lifetime battle to be just a little less annoying.
It’s really hard to change our core things. Like some people are just quiet and some of us are gabby.
This is just for me but as I get older I just accept folks warts and all. I can’t change anyone but me.
Ok, so what am I doing to change something about me that drives people crazy? I am trying to be on time daily. For me this is a huge challenge. Some days I do better then others but I am getting better. This I might add has been since birth that I have had no sense of time. I can get lost taking a walk and end up on some adventure. I stop to grab a coffee and run into an old friend and I’m late for work. People who know me accept this about me as they can see it is not intentional or meant to be rude. Still I have to constantly look at the clock to make sure I have given myself enough time.
Right now I am setting my stove and my microwave timers to go off 20 minutes before I need to leave and then 10 minutes before I leave.
Yup, this is me. And my boyfriend is one of those chronically late people, who will tell me he’ll be wherever at five and then call me at five and a quarter to say he’s just leaving. We fight about it periodically. And then we realised this week that when I ask for an ETA, although I mean “When will you be here?”, he hears “When are you leaving?” Figuring that miscommunication out has resolved a lot of stress.
I’m going to second this - it seems to be a common symptom with the always late crowd. If you find yourself getting ready to leave, and it enters your mind to do some other task, just stop yourself! Re-focus on the leaving.
Exactly! I am making my lunch, Putting a stamp on a bill, folding a load of laundry, baking bread. Focus woman! When I had a boyfriend it was worse. He didn’t mean to distract me but he did. His feelings got hurt when I told him to help, move or get out of the way.
This may only work if you’re as much a book nerd as I am, but when I started focusing on being on time* I found a really, really great book (Lamb, I believe), and I only let myself read it when I was waiting for something I was early for.
So that was a big motivation to do all the other things I needed to do - set alarms, prioritize my schedule, etc. Then I’d be 15 minutes early to everything and sit in my car or on a bench reading this awesome book. It was wonderful “me time”! By the time I was done with it, 15 minutes at a time, I’d learned how to do what I need to do to get out the door on time, and it had become a habit.
I bet something like playing a favorite game or ahem checking your favorite message board could do the trick as well.
*and now Blue Kangaroo is laughing, 'cause I was 10 minutes late to her house yesterday…It was new construction traffic on the Kennedy, I SWEAR!
