Not to nitpick, but this makes it sound like having even casual sex with a member of the opposite sex is an insurmountably difficult thing to do for a gay person. Some gay people, I’ll grant you that. In my experience, it was very casual sex and it wasn’t difficult at all. It just didn’t…zing, and it was awkward for me to interact with them after the act. The way I describe it is that, for me, the “bad” sex I’ve had with women has still been exponentially better, imho, than the “good” sex I’ve had with men.
Now this could mean that I’d probably meet some people’s definition of ‘bi’, but that is not how I identify myself. I’m 34 years old. My first two experiences with sex were with men when I was 21 and 22, they were one night stands, and there has been nothing but women for me since. Some of my physical relationships with women have been casual, some have been deep and loving partnerships, but I’ve opted out of either variety with men.
Mostly no on one, and defiantly yes on two. She was older, and once I went from her friend and occasional lover to being her husband, the dynamic changed, and the spark died.
I see your point, and agree, but we’re talking about how she self-identified. She didn’t care for the feeling of intromission, and I was young enough to equate love and sex.
I was thinking not so much of gay people who’ve had heterosexual experiences, but Ted Haggard types who try very hard to be heterosexual. Haggard and his wife have five kids so they must have had sex pretty regularly, and for all I know he enjoyed it, but although he must have wanted it very much he couldn’t make himself totally straight.
This brings up another issue that may make understanding their sexual orientation difficult for some lesbians. A woman who’s uncertain about her orientation might try sex with a man, find it okay but not great, then talk to her friends about it and come to the conclusion that this is normal for women. There are after all plenty of heterosexual women with less-than-spectacular sex lives, and even women who go on to have great sex may find their first few experiences painful or disappointing.
I’m sure that a fair number of lesbians (especially in the past) have had mediocre sex with men for some time before realizing that the real problem wasn’t too little foreplay or whatever but that they just weren’t all that aroused by men.
How is that for women? I started admiring and thinking about guys all the time before puberty. When puberty hit my fantasies with guys went sexual, and never did the thought of being sexual with a woman ever enter any fantasy or day dream or thought or whatever.
Do young girls not have similar thoughts that pretty much make it really hard to deny their real orientation?
I mean, I denied my orientation for a long time, but deep down there was really no doubt what it was. No confusion about what gender was in my sexual and romantic thoughts all the time.
My “totally” lesbian friend and I were very close friends for a long time, from late teens to mid twenties. We both had loves off and on, both of us with women and neither of us ever with a man. In our early twenties, while we both were unattached, she told me she was curious and would I mind spending a no committment night with her. I was kinda nervous, but really wanted to, so we did. It was great for both of us, but not emotionally fulfilling as our other experiences… We agreed on that during the pillow talk before we went to sleep. We even remained close friends for a few more years until we moved away, but we never wanted to repeat our little experiment. I assume it’s still as pleasant a memory for her as it is for me.
I would not say she’s anything but lesbian.
Keep in mind though that historically and to some extent even today there’s been considerable social pressure on young girls to deny any sexual feelings. Young lesbians get all the same “nice girls don’t” messages as straight girls.
It’s also perfectly acceptable, even expected, for girls to notice how attractive their peers are. A straight girl might admire a pretty classmate and be flattered and excited if she wants to be friends. It’s also common for a girl to become jealous and angry if her best friend starts spending more time with other friends or a new boyfriend. I don’t think young boys make a big deal about being “best friends forever” the way girls do. It’s already been noted that girls are more likely than boys to display physical affection for friends, such as hugging or hair-brushing. Lots of girls dance together for fun. I’ve even heard of adolescent girls who practiced kissing with each other. (I was never so lucky!)
So given the sorts of things that are considered typical schoolgirl behavior, it might not be obvious to a young gay or bisexual girl that her feelings towards a special friend were different from the way most other girls thought about their friends. I was in high school before I had a romantic crush on another girl that I fully recognized as such. I can easily believe that girls who grew up in more conservative homes or a more conservative era might be confused for much longer.
Oh, for the record, I have also known lesbians who said they knew for sure from a very young age that they liked girls not boys, always imagined marrying another girl, etc. Others were uncertain until their teens, twenties, or older. It’s definitely not the same for everyone.
That’s interesting. I grew up in a conservative religious household too, but there still was never a moment when I was ever confused about who I was attracted to. Confused about what to do about it sure. I dated girls because that was pretty much the law. But in my head, never a doubt about who I really wanted.