Is cheating an absolute deal breaker for you?

In My Humble Opinion
61

Yes, they do. But there’s a huge difference, IMO, between doing something wrong and knowing that you did something wrong, and doing something wrong and thinking it was OK.

I’d have trouble being friends with someone who cheated and didn’t think it was wrong, for the same reason I’d have trouble being friends with someone who stole things and didn’t think that was wrong. We’d just have such radically different value systems that I don’t think I could be comfortable around them. I do have friends with different value systems than mine, but none whose values are so diametrically opposed to mine.

62

Big time dealbraker for me. Just one problem, though. I have three kids whom I adore. I can’t imagine not living with them; it would be even more painful than being cheated on.

Luckily, my lovely wife has as dim a view of infidelity as I do, so it’s very unlikely I’ll be faced with that decision, knock on wood.

63

Alright I’m going to aswer even though I halven’t read anything but the OP. But I may have to leave and…damnit this was a much shorter thread a minute ago!!!

I think women put up with it more becauce men do it more…I mean men are more polygomous (you can look up the Dorthy Parker poem). And because it means less. In a lot of cases men are just…getting their dick wet. Whereas woman it’s more likely to be a serious relationship. So should be more serious

Anyway I don’t consider it a deal breaker…I mean it’s a betrayal, and that the part that would bother me. Dishonestly. If it was just fucking…that part wouldn’t bother me that much. Like i said…it’s the dishonesty that would bother me.

Anyway probably already covered but i swear the thread was half a page a minute ago!!!

Anyway, MHO

64

Oh wait…there was something else i wanted to say…fictional. But something that bothered me…on Law and Order what’s his name… anyway on the one about the death penalty…so he was having a bad day, he did somthing stupid and …got his dick wet. And the WENT HOME AND TOLD HIS WIFE ABOUT IT.

And she threw him out. No matter that he loved her and was a good husband and was honest about not being honest…everybody screws up some time. And no matter his kids won’t have a father around…

People fuck up. I think her thowing him out is deeply fucked.

So…its fictional but still pissing me off. So part of MHO.

65

I know this is meant to be funny, but in alll seriousness, yes, he knows I wouldn’t leave him for cheating, but if he were the type to see that as “permission for a freebie”, I’d never have married him. Furthermore, I am pretty sure he wouldn’t leave me were I to cheat–I still can’t imagine ever doing so, because it would hurt him and I don’t do things that would hurt him.

66

Definite dealbreaker. I need honesty, loyalty, integrity, honor, and security in an SO. Finding out I was cuckholded (is that the right way to say it?) would deny me assurance of all those things forever. Just the way I am. I cannot forget.
I can’t be around someone who would give into emotional/physical impulses over his regard to me and our relationship. It’s an unforgiveable display of selfishness and disrespect.

Well, that’s how I feel, and having thought about potential situations it seems like I’d know what to say:
“but honey, I really love you, I just wanted to see if this person was better!” Fuck you.
“but honey, I needed to find myself, so I needed to be free to try new things!” Should have told me first so I could dump you.
“but honey, I never got to sew my wild oats in college/high school/grade school, I just wanted to have a good time…” Have it somewhere else.
“but honey, I was really drunk and needed to get my mind off that fight we had/my dog’s surgery/my layoff/etc…” Now you can get your mind off this, too.

In reality I probably wouldn’t say those things. I probably wouldn’t be able to think, I’d probably be a wreck, and the excuses probably wouldn’t be as cut-and-dry/stupid.
No matter what, though, I don’t see myself staying around someone who would do that, or being able to think highly of them.
I don’t know whether I could still be friends with a cheater even if it wasn’t me being cheated on. I wouldn’t say definitely no, but I don’t think I would be able to stop thinking about it.

And betenoir, I don’t watch Law and Order, but in real life she couldn’t legally forbid him to see his kids again unless he was seriously damaging to them (right?). So that wouldn’t be an issue.
However, if you’re simply pissed over the fact that she broke up with him at all, just because they had kids, I can’t support your outrage. That’s like saying, “You’re breaking up with me for my infidelity? Then it’s YOUR fault our family is being torn asunder, HOMEWRECKER!”
Nope. It’s still the guy’s fault for being stupid in the first place. There’s only so much people can cope with.

67

I’ve been very happily married for 17 years, and one of the many reasons I adore my hubby is that I believe he would never cheat on me. He was married, briefly, before he married me, and his first wife cheated on him. He says he doesn’t know anyone that he hates enough that he would hurt them as badly as that hurt him. Because of this, and because he loves and respects me, and because he would not risk everything we’ve built in 20 years together, not only would he not cheat, he even carefully avoids situations where temptation might present itself.

Having said all that, if he did cheat on me, it wouldn’t be an automatic dealbreaker. If he had an ongoing intimate relationship with another woman (even if there was no sex), I’d have to divorce him. But I could forgive a one-time “accident”. But I think I would insist on counseling and take him back on my terms. Like, for instance, however long it takes to regain my trust, that’s how long it takes, and he can’t try to rush me.

I’m pretty sure he’d react the same way if the situation were reversed, although I could never in a million years imagine it happening. The very idea of having sex with anyone but him just seems so alien to me now! (Not to mention the love, respect, etc.).

68

When this topic has come up on the boards before I’ve given a blurb of my history. Here it is again:

Serious relationship a little over a year long, we were living together and handfast. We were in an “open” relationship - that is, we could sleep with someone else so long as the other partner was okay with that. I was never interested in being with someone else. He was interested in being with more than a few someone elses, and on a couple of occasions, he came to me and asked, I said it was okay, he went off for a happy time, and then returned to me. The stipulations for me were always that I had to respect the person, and he had to wear a condom.

He went through a bad period - work was bad, he was depressed, money was bad, and so forth. I about burned myself out taking care of him. Then, I got sick. Fever and abdominal pain of a very specific type. I’d had it once before. I knew it was pelvic inflammatory disease, and I knew that by the time symptoms show, it can be very bad indeed, so I asked him to run me to the ER. That was a whole 'nother horror story. What it ended up as, though, was that he’d given me a trichomoniasis infection that had spread into my pelvis.

It could potentially have killed me (I have internal scar tissue from the first bout that almost did), and it most certainly harmed my ability to have a child. And he gave it to me because he decided he needed to have sex with his best friend’s girlfriend, a skank I despised, and possibly with his best friend - a man who’d been trying unsuccessfully to get me in bed for more than a few years. Not just sex, but unprotected sex.

And he asked me why, after I threw him out, I was being so mean.

For years after that, if the subject came up, my immediate answer was "absolute dealbreaker. Asshole can burn in hell before I forgive him.’ I’m more aware now that there are other reasons for cheating, and that a great deal depends on circumstance. Like many others, I’m pretty sure that if it were anything short of marriage, it would be a dealbreaker - slip out the back, Jack, and don’t you come round no more. If my (non-existant) husband were to cheat on me, there had better not be any lying, any endangerment of my health, and there had better be some serious, serious soul-searching, apologizing, and work to fix the damage before I could consider staying.

Oh, and no more open relationships for me. Period. I understand so much better now what I want, and I’m willing to walk away if I don’t get it.

69

I have no backstory, no clever response, but it is an instant dealbreaker for me. You cheated? Well, see ya. Nothing can be said after that point that could convince me to stay.

70

Dealbreaker but there is a well thought out reason.
I was married years ago (for 6 years) to a man whom after a year decided to finally tell me about the affair after I badgered him for months because I had a feeling he was cheating.
I decided, like an idiot, to stay. (He was abusive so you can imagine the fear of leaving anyway.) He did not stop seeing her, so we decided to have an open relationship, with rules. He violated those rules too. He pretty much screwed anyone with a heartbeat. I was heartbroken and just in awe at how little he cared about me. It was a spirit crushing experience.

During the last year of our miserable marriage, I started hanging out again with a highschool friend whom with I shared a mutual attraction and whom I loved dearly.
We flirted…alot. One night when the husband was out; probably looking for a screw. I went to her house. I knew what I was doing and why even though I tried to pretend it was innocent, I tried to be coy. Yep, we slept together.

I went home and felt so guilty, I cried all night. Now maybe some people feel I was justified becaue my husband cheated on me all the time and abused me. I don’t share that feeling. He was the cheater, not me. He was the one who ignored our vows, not me.
Except now it was me. I had become the very thing I said I never would become. I did the very thing I derided him for. I went against my principals. I had broken a vow.
I felt horrible. I came clean, told him what I had done. He laughed and said as long as I don’t screw another man, he’s ok with it. See, screwing another guy would really hurt him, he said. :rolleyes:

The fact that he could be so cavalier about infidelity, about his affair and numerous one night stands while I was flogging myself for ONE NIOHT’S indiscretion really solidified how I felt about promises, trust and integrity.

I have never cheated since (it’s been almost 10 years since the divorce) nor will I again.
My current partner of 3 years knows how I feel about trust and she knows that if she cheats, it’s over. Period. She has the same attitude about it as I do. I don’t even want to sleep with anyone else let alone do something to hurt her and destroy what we have. I know she would leave me but that is not why I stay true. I also am very outspoken when it comes to friends who cheat. They will get an earful, I will not lie for them and I will not associate with the cheater if they refuse to tell their S.O. My friends know how I feel and 99% of them feel the same way.

If someone wants to sleep around, fine, just don’t commit to someone then. It’s really that simple.

71

Probably not a dealbreaker for me, though obviously it depends on the situation. There’s a huge difference, IMHO, between a drunken one-off kiss that you barely remember, and sleeping with someone else for a year.

Of course, both of these thoughts may be influenced by the fact that I have cheated (in the former manner). I really regret it, but I’m not saying anything because I don’t see what it can achieve. As the quote goes: one never likes to be deceived, but one likes even less to be undeceived.

72

Been on both sides of the issue. I had pretty steadfast beliefs when I was young. All my girlfriends cheated on me and I this affected me negatively over the years. I became bitter and then I cheated. First is was payback, then it was easy, then a thrill to get a way with it. FWIW, I am not excusing the behavior just explaining. When I was mature enough to understand my destructive behavior, I became much more concerned about trust issues. I went thru therapy. I was hurt and wanted to hurt everyone else. I was an angry young “man”. I am not proud of what I did, and I am sorry for all I have hurt and I know I can never make up for it. I just have to move on and try to be a better, more understanding and compassionate person. Over time I have experienced a lot of different attitudes, arrangements and seen others hurt by their own and other’s behaviors. I have not cheated in many years, and I believe it is because I understand myself a lot better and what I want from someone in a relationship and to be honest and communicate my thoughts and feelings. That being said I can’t say whether cheating would be deal-breaker or not. I think probably not. It would depend on the strength of the relationship. Of course I would be hurt, but I wouldn’t end it just on the basis of having my pride hurt or my sense of security. I’d want to talk with my S.O. and to see what it is she really wanted and was feeling. What was going on in her heart and mind. Only then could I make a judgment as to whether the relationship could continue. I realize that’s not a very common attitude on this board and you can berate and chide me if you want. I just don’t believe in absolutes anymore.