I would have said this was true, too, and in a way it still is; one of my best girlfriends blatantly cheated on her husband with a married man she worked with.
Putting aside the fact that I was a bridesmaid in her wedding, knowing even prior that the wedding was a farce…we got into a huge stormy fight about her cheating when I discovered it, mainly b/c I suspected that she’d try to use our friendship as a cover story for when she was cheating. Just because the marriage was obviously doomed doesn’t mean it’s up for grabs; just because I figured she’d leave her husband doesn’t mean that I’d help her cheat her way out of just admitting the obvious. Not even TOUCHING the fact that her partner in crime was also married.
But friendship isn’t just about judgment of your friends as “good people,” and while it did change my opinion of her…and thus the nature of our friendship to a degree…she is still one of my friends and I don’t think I’m qualified to decide what makes her a bad or good person. Everybody screws up. In major ways.
I hope I’m judged on the same kind of sliding scale I use for my friends.
I have had two out of my four girlfriends cheat on me, and in a row, mind you.
The first case we dated for about half a year and then she said she wanted to “take a break.” I didn’t really know what that meant, but it meant for a month we didn’t see each other and she had sex with at least one, if not two, thoer guys. We got back together, and whether that was considered cheating or not is up to you to decide. Looking back on it after the fact, I say it was, because the “breal” was just an excuse to cheat, for her. But at the time I didn’t thihnk so. But then several moths later, she just moved into a new apartment, and for about a week after was real distant and so forth, so I went there and asked her where we were in our relationship. We talked and so forth, and while she went to go use the bathroom, I peaked in her trash can and noticed a used condom, and we hadn’t had sex in about two weeks, let alone even have sex in her new place. I asked her about it, she didn’t deny it but didn’t confirm either, so I just walked out the door and that was the end. I talked with her about three times since then, all within three months of breaking up. That was the summer of '03 and I haven’t talked to her since and am glad aobut that.
Second time was the fall after that summer. Met a girl over the summer that I really hit it off with, and finally that fall managed to start dating her. In mid-January she confessed to me that she slept with her ex boyfriend while I was home for winter break. Once again, I just walked out and that was that.
You’re damn right it’s an immediate deal breaker for me. I know how it feels to be cheated on, and it’s one of the worst feelings in the world. If you feel the need to “be with” someone else, then tell me to my face, don’t go around fucknig behind my back and expect it all to be ok.
I have been cheated on and I have done the cheating. In both cases, we tried and failed to continue the relationship. If such a situation were to come up again, I wouldn’t bother trying. Maybe there are people who can get past such a thing, but I’m not one and I don’t think I know any.
A few years ago, cheating was an avsolute deal-breaker for me. If it happened, you were out the door, no exceptions. I swore I’d never cheat, would never even think about it. It’s just common sense to break it off rather than go through that misery.
However, I’m older and I’ve seen several relationships continue after cheating, whether it was known about or not. I’m less adamant in my views. I’ve never cheated, and I doubt I ever will, but I’m more lenient towards those who do. I don’t think it’s right, but it’s your life. You can screw it up any way you want.
For me, the deal-breaker would be lying about it. I’d rather know what happened than be given some story while you’re out there collecting diseases and laughing behind my back.
Deal breaker. I told my boyfriend, when we started dating, that I have one rule.
**Respect me. **
I will not put up with someone who disrespects me in any way. In public, in private, it doesn’t matter. Tearing me down, telling me I’m stupid, lying to me, disregarding my opinion, and making me feel bad about myself, are ways to get yourself booted from my life. I’ve dealt with enough of that already and I’m not letting people like that poison my life any more. Of course, it’s a matter of degrees, and I wouldn’t necessarily let a 10-year relationship go over one small incident, but if I notice a pattern starting, that’s another story.
But for cheating? That is the ultimate form of disrespect. You cheat, you die.*
*I’m not condoning murder, here… I’m talking about “you’re dead to me” kind of dead.
I don’t think it’s a matter of jealousy at all. IMHO, it’s all about trust on the deepest level. Personally, I’m not going to be intimate with someone unless I feel I can share my innermost self with them. Once I feel that trust is betrayed, I’m not sure there is anything my lover could do to earn it back.
Also poly, and “cheating” is going against whatever ‘rules’ we’ve agreed on. To me it’s worse in a poly situation, because there’s just no good excuse for lying.
That said, I’ve been the cheater (I’m reformed now, I swear) and the cheatee, and how bad it’s been for the relationship has varied depending on the circumstance.
I had a lot of time to think about this after my first wife ran off with another man.
In the end I decided it wasn’t so much the infidelity that hurt, as it was the whole framework of lies and deception she put together so that she could cheat. It was obvious that she had decided she’d share X% of her life with me and Y% was none of my business.
If she’d put as much energy into working on the marriage as she did on cheating, we might still be together.
I always thought cheating would be an auto dealbreaker, but I’ve changed somewhat and have settled more into a once I can forgive, depending on the situation, twice it’s over type.
Also, after being with my BF for 5 years now, it would be harder to end things than it would have been earlier on.
Wow, I think I differ from a lot of people in this thread! For me, cheating is a deal breaker if I have been with the guy for a long time and he cheats on me. It’s not if we have only started going out, maybe less than a month or two. I say this because wth someone I have been going out with a long time, there is a lot of trust built up and for him to cheat on me when I thought we had a stable relationship would make me feel very betrayed. It’s like having a 20 story building knocked down rather than just demolishing a 2 story building that’s a new relationship. Of course, if it is constant cheating, it’s a behaviour problem and that’s a deal breaker too.
