Say you’re in a committed relationship or even married. You’re perfectly happy and have absolutely no intention of being unfaithful.
In that situation, is it ever acceptable to flirt? If so, how much is ok and when does a bit of harmless fun turn into something sleazy? Is flirting itself an act of infidelity, albeit a mild one? Where’s the line? What would you consider flirting anyway? For those of you currently in relationships, do you flirt or do you avoid it at all costs?
It is OK so long as *all * parts involved are OK with it.
My married bro was the “knight” to a variety of “ladies” before meeting his now-wife and even she (who has a lot of control issues) has never said a word about him not bowing to his old “ladies” any more… it was understood to be in jest back before he met her and it’s understood to be in jest now.
As long as one’s partner isn’t upset, I fail to see the problem.
It’s the sort of thing (like distribution of household chores or paying for dinner procedures) that gets negotiated between each committed couple - albeit not always explicitly.
Mr. Lissar recently defined okay flirting in these terms:
Your partner must be okay with it.
You must be okay with it.
The person you’re flirting with must know you’re involved, not interested in cheating, and be okay with it.
There must be clear boundaries which are not crossed.
Those have been quite easy to maintain. We both flirt a little, tell each other about it, and know to pull back if there’s any hint of danger (although there hasn’t been so far. See the third stipulation).
All fine and reasonable so far, but what would be going too far in your opinion? Or to put it on a more personal level, what would you be unhappy with your partner doing?
Again, that’s entirely up to your specific partner. Some couples don’t mind when their partner kisses someone else, some couples think too much smiling is crossing the line. It’s far, far too subjective a question to have any real “answer”.
Exactly why I posted this in IMHO rather than GQ. I realise that there is no concrete answer - I was just interested in hearing peoples’ opinions about what is and isn’t ok for them.
As others have said, it depends on the individuals and the relationship. My two tests would be, (1) will your SO understand and not be hurt by what you re doing in flirting?, and (2) if your SO is not present, would you do the same with your SO able to see and hear what you are doing?
In addition, some things can be just friendliness and not flirting at all. Both my wife and I will kiss and/or hug some friends of the opposite sex on meeting them. This isn’t flirting in the context, it’s just a friendly greeting.
my inner slut warns me that any lap sitting, ear nibbles or surrepitious feels crosses the flirtatious line into adulterous waters. Mustn’t ever cross that line, for my own sake.
Besides, any man I’ve lusted for and wanted to flirt with, i’ve already done him in my mind!
kissy face greetings and tight hugs tween friends, s’ok w/me.
I’m not sure of the definition of flirting. What I call being friendly, my husband calls flirting. I think I do have a flirtatious nature. I don’t mean anything by it and I’m not trying to pick anyone up, I guess I just enjoy it.
We were in Home Depot the other day in a long line just standing there bored and I told the man in front of me that I liked his shoes. Actually his shoes were sort of odd and ugly but I thought if I said I liked them he’d tell me about them.
My husband clearly knew I didn’t like the guys shoes so he said I was flirting.
I was just bored.
He’s not jealous, I just get the eye roll.
I knew my husband way before I ever dated him and he’s not flirtatious at all. So if I saw him doing it, it would be odd.
Basically, my husband and I are okay with flirting. Hell, he’d have to stop* breathing* to stop flirting. But we both know it means nothing, and as long as the third party knows it means nothing (no implied invitation) then it’s okay.
I’m a pretty button-downed person. I don’t like PDAs much past a peck on the cheek or holding hands. I wouldn’t appreciate someone screaming “I LOVE THIS WOMAN!!!” in a crowded square in Rome (a la the TV commercial) or being proposed to on the Big Board at a sporting event. To me, romance and sex and passion are private things, and are more intimate and meaningful for being private.
To me, “flirting” means demonstrating physical attraction or romantic interest in someone. I don’t really want my SO flirting with me in public, let alone someone else. Anything much beyond an appreciative look in another woman’s direction (“that’s a pretty girl”) I would probably not be okay with. Signaling attraction to or interest in someone else in my presence – I would probably think it was a little disrespectful. It wouldn’t be the attractiveness of the other person that would bother me, or a lack of trust in my partner, or personal insecurity, but just the lack of respect towards me. I would never do that to a guy I was with, either. I’m okay with my SO having long conversations, hugs, and kisses on the cheek with other women – I think it’s perfectly possible to be friendly and affectionate to friends of the opposite sex without flirting with them. But I think if you’re not on the market you shouldn’t act like you are. But then, I don’t flirt with random men either; if I’m not interested in you, I’m not going to be batting my eyes at you. If I am interested in you, and free, I’ll flirt my ass off – in an understated, button-down way.
My bad.