Is it bad form to invite someone to an expensive restaurant and NOT share a coupon?

In My Humble Opinion
41

I’m of the opinion that “you pay if you invite” is based on two things.

The first is carrying over invitations to eat together before restaurants. Of course the host would make the food and not require you to bring your own. They pay for and make the food, so why not also pay at a restaurant?

The second is that going to a restaurant tended to be an affair of those who had money, and thus the imposition wasn’t high. They could easily have enough money to pay and it not be a budgetary issue. But, as restaurants became more the fare of the common man, it became more and more common to ask everyone to pay (set up in advance, of course, so not rude) and thus that became the norm.

That said, the OP’s question is different, and I’m not sure. If the coupon was just something like “half off” for everyone, then I would 100% expect them to let you use it, no question. You’d get one bill, and then split it between you. The more money you save, the better.

On the other hand, if it were something like “Get this meal free,” then I’d tend to think that whoever ate the meal gets the freebie. People generally pay for their own meals.

If it’s something more like “get $x off”, then I’m unsure. I would tend to think it would make more sense to combine the bill and give each person half of that off. But I also wouldn’t have a problem if they said “We have coupon for ourselves. Would you be able to join us?”–clearly setting up the expectation that they’ll use the coupon for themselves only.

Finally, if the coupon is one that’s easy to get, like from a newspaper or mailer or something, I’d expect them to help you get your own to use. You know, tell you where to get it and such–not saying they have to buy another newspaper for you.

I assume that’s not common for an expensive restaurant, but I could see them doing it to get people in if the restaurant is new or something. Or, you know, during a pandemic when they’re just trying to get people to come in. So it’s possible the OP is describing that sort of coupon.

42

It might be difficult to explain, but I’m going to try. First of all, if there’s a particular custom among family or friends, that takes precedence. Second, not everything is an “invitation” - if you and I are out for the day, and one of us suggests getting a meal, that’s not an invitation. If I invite you to my birthday or anniversary party at a restaurant , I’m supposed to pay , just like I wouldn’t expect money from you if I had the same party at home. If I invited one of my daughter’s friends to go somewhere with us, I paid - if they decided to go to the movies and gave them a ride, each girl paid for herself.

People run into trouble when one person sounds like they’re inviting the other person (perhaps by planning the details of where and when in advance - “Would you like to go X for dinner Thursday night” rather than " We should get together- what day is good for you? and then jointly deciding where to go) but expecting everyone to pay their own bill.

But back to the OP - unless it’s a fast-food type restaurant where everyone orders separately and gets their own bill (which includes buffet restaurants where you pay before being seated) the coupon comes off and then the bill is divided. I think it’s different if it’s more like a gift card ( $50 off with no minimum spending*) - but to be honest, I probably just wouldn’t use that credit when i’m with other people.

  • My husband gets these from casinos all the time.
43

If we invite another couple out to dinner, I pick up the check. I also sorta expect the other couple to reciprocate, and they do, inviting us out sometime and footing the bill.

44

I think that generally makes sense. If you are formally “hosting” a birthday, anniversary or other celebration at a restaurant (much in the same way one might host a wedding rehearsal dinner), then yes, I would assume the host pays. To your point, most dinner get togethers tend to fall under the more informal “we should get together”. Even if they are specifically planed in advance, such as a friend asking if I want to get a steak at Smith & Wollensky next Thursday, I would not assume that he is picking up the tab.

One point I would disagree with is that for birthday celebrations, in my experience the group agrees to cover the birthday boy/girl’s meal and split the bill among itself.

I found this link that gives guidance on who pays for dinner in various situations:

45

I agree. And yet there are some people whose custom is that there is no distinction here - that the person who initiates the idea of the meal is always obligated to pay.

Of course this means that if you’re in tight financial straits you are never allowed to eat with your friends unless they bring up the idea. Maybe you treat yourself to one nice meal out a month, but you can’t share that experience because inviting someone along is ‘bad form’ and sets up an expectation that you either pay for their meal or are a heel.

Of course this could still be avoided. All you have to do is supplicate yourself every single time, reminding them that you’re poor and cannot afford to pay for their dinner but would they still be willing to spend time with you sans compensation? Or maybe you’re good friends and so it goes unspoken, but that doesn’t change the fact that every single meal is shaded by the notion that politeness dictates you should be paying and yet you are not.

Culture is a funny thing. I’m glad that this one does not exist in my social circle. It’s much better for the expectation to be that everyone pays their own way and that covering somebody’s meal is a pleasant surprise rather than a blasé fulfillment of obligation.

46

we decline now because the place is expensive and we can’t afford to go there as often as they have a coupon. If they said, lets meet at mcdonalds…no problem.

I forgot to mention the initial conversation:

“Would you like to go out to ‘expensive restaurant’ with us? We have a coupon.”

With that statement, I first assumed we would be able to partake in the coupon.

47

In my group of friends checks are normally either split or picked up by one person. So if one couple ordered expensive drinks and the other chose soda the tab is still split 50/50.

I always find it awkward when I’m out with other people and we do the dance of “oh, put these 4 things on this card”. It’s not a bad if were at a cheap place and someone asks for split checks at the beginning but it still feels cheap. As for when the tab is picked up it has a lot to do with the relative wealth of the two parties so if we’re doing well we’ll happily treat our friends since we know we asked them to a restaurant they can’t afford. On the other hand when we’ve been poor our friends have been very generous taking us to nice places. I would say overall it’s probably 70% 50/50 (or whatever the even split is) and 30% treating.

In my world at least the coupon would have come off everyone’s bill.

48

Depends- if the group has a custom of going out regularly and splitting the birthday boy/girls bill , that’s one thing. That wasn’t what I meant by birthday party. Let’s say for example, your cousins invited you to your aunt’s 80 the birthday party or your sibling invited you to your niece’s sweet 16. Even if the parties were at restaurants , you wouldn’t expect to pay for your own meal, right?I’m saying there is the occasional person who throws that kind of party for themself.( whether they should or not is another issue, they do)

49

I’m not going to say it’s impossible - but I am going to say I’ve never heard someone say that whoever initiates the idea is always obligated to pay. I’ve only ever heard that an invitation is what obligates you to pay- and while some statements might be unclear about whether they are invitations or not, it’s always possible to make it clear. For example, if I say to someone “I’ve got Mets tickets for next Tuesday , want to come? " , I don’t expect them to give me the price of the ticket. Maybe I was comped the tickets, maybe it’s non-refundable but the person who paid for it can no longer attend and my choice is give it away or burn it. If I don’t want to pay for the ticket then it’s either “Wanna get tickets to next Tuesdays game?” ( if I don’t already have tickets) or " I’ve got an extra ticket to Tuesday’s game- it’s $50”

50

“I just won the lottery! How many of you want to join me in celebrating at Chez Snooty? Of course you’ll have to pay for you own food and drinks, I’m not going to share my good fortune with you.”

How does that sound to you? Are you going to mention something about the difference in the dollar amount so I can respond with a well known quip about prostitutes?

51

I see this all the time. With my brother and his wife we’ve worked out a compromise where we split the bill 50/50 to avoid this. With other couples, I always try to pick up the check.

52

Avoid awkward social situations - communicate, communicate, communicate.

53

Yup. That’s how it’s supposed to work. One party’s not freeloading on the other; they’re exchanging invitations.

The inviter-pays convention allows this to work well between/among people of quite different financial resources: because an invitation to dinner at one’s home is equivalent to an invitation to a restaurant, and for that matter an invitation to something else entirely, not involving a meal, may qualify; or the person with less money may invite to a cheaper restaurant.

If everybody’s got to pay for themselves, then either the group never eats at a fancy restaurant, or the poorer members can’t join in.

In that instance the group is the hosts, and the person having the birthday is the guest.

That’s not how it works. See above; and also, of course you can ask if they want to come with you but each pay their own, as long as you make that clear.

Agreed. To clarify, I’m not saying that; what I’m saying is that if the person inviting another doesn’t intend to pay, that should be made clear as part of the invitation.

Between people who’ve already established how they do such things, it doesn’t necessarily need to be spelled out each time.

54

This is exactly why I say that the restaurant being expensive is a crucial difference. You don’t invite someone else to spend a ton of money. That’s why it makes sense for a McDonald’s meal to be presumptively dutch, but not an expensive one.

55

Yeah, I have to agree. in 47 years (perhaps 25 of them regularly eating out with other people), I have literally never HEARD of being invited out for dinner and the person doing the inviting pays unless it is a) a professional activity where the senior person expenses the bill, b) a date, or c) a family member.

Even for a birthday party at an expensive restaurant, it’s just assumed that everyone pays their share and usually covers the birthday person.

I guess the flip side of this is under what circumstances would a couple or person invite another couple or person out to an expensive dinner that wasn’t the aforementioned romantic date, professional setting, or family celebration?

56

Uh… friends? I’ve certainly invited friends out to dinner before.

57

Text message: “Hey, long time no see. Would love to catch up and hear about Mike’s new job. Want to do sushi next week?”

58

Hell, unless someone got something outrageously more or less expensive than everyone else, you probably ought to just halve the bill (assuming it’s two couples) after the coupon is applied instead of trying to nickel and dime out the bill exactly.

59

Yeah… I’d still probably assume it was pay my own way, unless the next text was “And I’m buying!”.

I mean, I have a good friend of mine who I alternate paying the bill with, but that’s different, as we’ve been good friends for almost 30 years now, and don’t really mind paying all the bills for the other guy if he was broke or something.

60

Sure. And then when the bill comes we would split it as appropriate.

Text message from Mike: “I would like to take you out to dinner to show my appreciation for helping me land that job.”

Then I would assume Mike is paying. I would still offer “No let’s split it. Are you sure? Ok, but I get next time.”

Sorry, but I’ve just always seen the default as a choice between “split the bill evenly” or “itemize by party”. Maybe it’s a particular geography or subculture?