But I would let the server know when I made the reservations that I’d be getting the check. Maybe it’s just my group of friends. To me, splitting the check (and the tip?) feels juvenile.
I think there should be different expectations on both sides. Unless it’s made clear (or there’s a pre-existing agreement), the invitee should be okay to pay for themselves, but the host should plan to pay for all.
Also, I see a lot of people upthread saying this is an old tradition. Being one of the youngest members of the board at the rip age of 33, I always offer to pay if I’m inviting friends out to dinner.
As a grown man, having another couple pay for my meal feels like I’m celebrating college graduation with my parents. And paying several hundred dollars for another couple…well…I don’t normally put a price on friendship…and yet here we are.
It might just be you and your group of friends. I’ve had lots of groups of friends over the years and the process for paying the bill has generally been pretty consistent.
Don’t go out to eat as much as many of you, and am not sure what your “invites” are like, but we have eaten meals at restaurants w/ other people many times. Call up a friend, “Hey Bob - you and Sue want to join Betty and me to eat at Fatburger tonight? Great, we’ll meet you at 6.” That is the way our shared restaurant meals generally go. Never crossed my mind that Bob and Sue would expect Betty and me to pay - or that I would expect the opposite if they called me.
There are examples when someone says, “Would the 2 of you join us for dinner on Sue’s birthday?” That’s a different situation, and while I’m generally prepared to pay, I’m not surprised when Bob picks up the check. And then there’s the infrequent - but favorite of mine - when I’m invited to someone’s private country/dinner club and my money is no good! 
After such a meal, I’ve never had my host say, “You owe me $x.”
If I called Bob and Sue up and had a coupon, I think I’d handle it one of a few ways.
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Least likely - when I called, I’d say, “I have a coupon, which will make our 2 meals really cheap. You OK paying full freight for the 2 of you?”
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Possible - have a single tab w/ the coupon deducted from my meal, and then split the total equally.
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Most likely - have separate tabs, but say that I have a coupon that is making my meal cheap, so I’ll buy appetizers, a bottle of wine, cover the tip, etc. Maybe the appetizer/wine would be a little more than the value of the coupon, maybe it woul dbe a little less. I and my friends are not in a situation where we have to count every penny to make sure we exactly equal, and I despise that kind of parsing of checks. (I ALWAYS pay considerably more than my fair share when checks are split.)
Lots of people go out to dinner just because they like each other and like going out for dinner.
I think it’s pretty obvious by now both that this is a cultural difference, that a lot of people are or have been assuming that nearly everybody shares their culture in this matter, and that that isn’t true.
It isn’t just one person and one small group of friends. It’s the basic assumption for a lot of people that the person inviting pays unless it’s specified otherwise. It’s obviously the basic assumption for a lot of other people that the person inviting isn’t responsible for anything. Paying attention when one discovers that what one’s used to isn’t considered by everybody to be The One Right Way To Do Things, instead of insisting that it must not actually be so, is a good idea; lack of awareness of such differences leads to a lot of misunderstandings. And people often don’t become aware of the misunderstandings – one or both parties often just goes away mad, convinced that the other has been deliberately rude.
Somebody mentioned reciprocity earlier, and that’s probably the most common circumstance (other than family celebrations.) Let’s say I have some friends who live in a small apartment, too small to entertain. I invite them to my house for BBQ’s , to a Superbowl party,maybe even Thanksgiving. And at this point in my life, I’m not doing pot-lucks. They can bring a cake or something if they want, but if I invite people over, I’m providing the food. They can’t reciprocate by inviting us over, because small apartment. So they take us out to dinner every so often. Or if I’m a houseguest for a week - I’m going to take my hosts out for dinner once or twice. Or I did someone some sort of favor - they might reciprocate by taking me out to dinner.
I’m another person where the default stance in my social group is to have everyone pay their own way, though I also have a few friends where we are on an “treat each other on an alternating schedule” basis. I think a lot of it has to do with my friends doing a lot of larger-group events rather than just two couples going out, and it tends to be the same people who usually organizes events - if they had to pay for everyone each time, they’d be broke pretty quick! But yeah, even if I am just catching up with a friend one-on-one over coffee or a meal I usually plan on splitting unless one of us says “it’s on me” before we order. Covering your own bill also guarantees that there is zero judgement over what you order, and no problems if one person wants to just grab a snack and a drink while the other person wants a full meal, etc…
That being said, for the situation in the OP, I feel like it does seem kind of tacky to not share the discount. If it’s like a Groupon or something like that, we’ll usually apply it to the entire bill and either split the rest evenly or figure out some other arrangement if what we ordered is very uneven between groups (eg. one party isn’t drinking while the other party had several drinks). I agree with @thorny_locust this is one situation where the “inviter pays” does have an advantage over “everyone pays their own way”, though I think it’s still manageable with the latter standard.
More info, that I left out. The restaurant was a buffet type thing, so had the same price for everyone’s meals…Something like each $80 per person. THey paid $80 for themselves, we paid $160 for the two of us.
I totally agree. In fact, the idea that the person who issued in invite is always expected to pay no matter what seems ridiculous to me.
I have a handful of close female friends and we frequently go out to eat.
We all pay our share - we don’t work it out to the penny but we divvy it up fairly - if no one is drinking and everyone had an entree and dessert we’ll split it evenly but we make adjustments if someone consumed considerably more or less.
Every now and then we’ll take someone out for their birthday but it just seems weird that the person who suggested going out would be expected to pay for it all. Because that varies, too. I hardly ever issued the invitations because I had a flexible life and was usually available. My friends with tighter schedules would usually pick the day/time and invite me. But I wouldn’t have let them pay.
Romantic dates are different and if you aren’t going out with close friends it may be more ambiguous. But that’s why we have words, and it’s easy to clarify that expectation beforehand.
I had a male friend and business contact who I dined with frequently. He always insisted on picking up the check and I pushed back. So one day I slipped away from the table and paid the check in advance. Then the next time he did the same thing, earlier in the meal. This went on a few more times until we decided it was stupid and just agreed to take turns, he’d pay one time and I’d pay the next.
It’s funny, we usually split the checks when I’m out with female friends but with male friends we usually take turns picking up the check. I think this is partly because I have a secondary professional relationship with most of my male friends, but I’m sure there’s a gender dynamic as well.
You paid $80 bucks each and had to serve yourself?
I’m 40 and my friend group is the same age or younger and we’ve almost never paid for each other. Even birthdays at a restaurant (usually by Facebook Events) have everyone expected to pay for the own meal.
If someone is paying they’d specifically say it’s their treat.
As for the OP, if they say in their invite “We have a coupon”, I’d assume they were going to share that coupon. I fact I’ve had a salary experience where my friends applied the coupon to whole meal and then we split the rest (so we paid $100 a couple as opposed to $200 a couple)
Perfect avatar/post combo.
I’ve never been in a friend group where anyone would expect to pick up the tab for anyone else. I’m actually (pleasantly) surprised that it still takes place.
Every etiquette book I’ve ever seen says the same thing: He who invites, pays. He who receives, reciprocates. Reciprocation is easy to do in a way that one can afford.
For most of my life I was the one of my friend group who made the most money. By the “everyone pays” standard, I could never have felt comfortable inviting my friends to a really nice restaurant. Likewise they might have declined, thinking they might have to buy a meal they couldn’t afford. But as it is I was able to enjoy their company at the places I could afford, and they invited me on picnics and other activities we could do on their budget.
It is actually the more egalitarian way of doing things.
By either standard there’s no rule that says the custom can’t be reversed if it’s clearly stated in advance. If the standard is ‘everyone pays,’ you can still treat your friends to a meal.
The rub is that the ‘he who invites pays’ standard means that the stated reversal has to be a statement of exclusion: “I’d like you to have dinner with me but I’m not paying for you.”
If the standard is ‘everyone pays,’ then the deviation becomes “I’d like to treat you to dinner.”
The latter seems like the nicer way to operate.
It is all based upon an assumption of hospitality and reciprocation. Your way assumes a lack of hospitality, which is a bit insulting. There is no sense of providing for one’s friends and maintaining relationships. Without the duty to reciprocate, friendships take a back burner and fall away.
Again, it’s not a bean-counting thing. Its not about equalizing the money spent at all, it’s just about returning the invitation - in whatever way you can.
I don’t think many people have actually commented on this, but this statement 100% means they should have shared the benefit of the coupon with you, otherwise what was the point of mentioning it in the first place other than to entice you to go to an expensive restaurant? That’s actually really shitty of them to do that, since that statement makes it clear they knew you would not say yes unless you thought it would be cheaper.
And to the other discussion, I don’t think I have ever gone out to eat with friends and not had everyone pay their own way. Unless someone specifically says, “My treat!” I would never ever expect anyone not related to me, unless it was in a business situation, to pay for my meal. But just friends? No way!
Well that’s clearly untrue, unless all the posters in the “everyone pays by default” camp is fooling themselves about the health of their friendships.
But that’s a specific dynamic you’re describing not a general endorsement of “he who invites pays”.
In the discussion upthread, I was referring to friends who had pretty much the same amount of discretionary income as myself.
By your theory, if I wanted to go to a really nice restaurant with 3 friends, I’d have to be able to afford 4 meals. Now most of us are at that income level where we can afford a meal at a really nice place without much problem, but it would be a strain to buy dinner for four at the same place.
On the other hand, I’m always conscious of my friend’s finances and I keep that in mind when suggesting restaurants. And I would pick up the tab at a nice place for a low income friend.
It’s really incredibly situational. What matters is that everyone’s on the same page and no one gets roped into something they can’t afford.
I’ve never had any problem with clarifying the payment arrangement before the meal. I think that’s really the only way to go.
ETA: Maybe your lower income friends would have social options other than picnics if they only had to pay for themselves if they wanted an evening out with friends instead of the entire group.
That’s an absurd and ridiculous statement. Maybe that’s how you have to keep your friends, but it’s not how I keep mine.