Some experts have stated that the more physical, non-sexual contact a developing female has with an older, ‘safe’ male such as a father, uncle, older relative, etc. the more likely she is to develop the ability to safely handle and navigate future male relationships.
They lament the loss of such safe contacts due to societal concerns about ‘inappropriate’ contact.
I tend to agree with them. Sadly, the societal taboos and occasional (but all too great in actual numbers) legitimate concerns about inappropriate contacts make this scenario difficult.
OK now I feel compelled to give a little more backdrop.
The time I saw it happen with the girl in qeustion:
We were all sitting in the living room. In comes the daughter wearing (short) shorts and a tight tank top. She proceed to plump herself on Daddy’s lap then sweet talks him in to giving her money so she can go to the mall.
All right, now this doesn’t seem creepy to me but very manipulative. It’s obviously the daughter who’s initiating but not for the purposes of affection but money. She’s just learned how to wrap Daddy around her finger.
If Daddy (and Mommy) have no problem with her wearing short shorts and a tight tank top in front of them then I don’t think they have much control over her anyway. I can’t even imagine wearing such a thing in front of my father.
SHAKES, is it possible that while you are seeing a 16 year old young woman, your friend is just seeing his little girl?
I am not there yet, my daughter is still a little girl of 9, but I think what looks creepy to you, might just be a matter of perspective?
Qadgop the Mercotan, interesting information, have any of those experts ever put their thoughts into a layman’s readable article. Scientific America level or simpler? If so, I would be interested to read them.
Well allow me to be the lone voice saying that there’s nothing inherently wrong with a daughter sitting on Dad’s lap at any age. It all depends on individual family dynamics. My family has always been very cuddly. I’m a fully independent adult woman and I still occasionally sit on my Dad’s lap and give him a hug when I’m visiting my parents. There’s nothing “oogy” or sexual about it. My little brothers (15 and 18) will sometimes sit on my lap, although they do it as a joke so that I’ll groan about being squished and tell them they’re no longer lap puppies. Nothing sexual about that either. It’s in the nature of roughousing play, which my family also does a lot of. Now granted, we wouldn’t do this at a restaurant but that’s because a restaurant is a more formal space than hanging out at home.
I’d say it depends on the circumstances. My sister Gina is 38, and she still sits on her brothers’ laps; if Dad were stronger she’d sit on his, I wouldn’t wonder.
And I just went back and read SHAKES clarification. Still doesn’t sound oogy to me, just highly manipulative. It seems like she was deliberately adopting what she saw as a sweet little girl pose in order to charm money out of her dad.
Speaking as a mom, I don’t see any problem with it, depending on context, of course. I don’t understand why people don’t get the not-very-fine line between appropriate and inappropriate touching. Physical affection and sexual contact are not the same thing.
Human beings crave touch. And I’ve often thought that many teenagers are having sex when they really just want a hug. Hug your kids, people!
I think it’s weird to assume that sitting on a lap is inherintly sexual, so there you go.
SHAKES, that extra information changes my answer: there WAS an element of sexuality in the way she was dressed (although she might not consciouly acknowledge it, she might say it was “just fashion”) and it sounds as if she was using her nubile sexuality to manipulate her father. Not cool. But it’d still be not cool if she did it to an unrelated older man.
My goddaughter just turned 15, and she makes men’s head’s spin. She was really enjoying that newfound power, and I let her trip with it for a little bit before sitting her down and explaining how mean that is. Yes, she has the power to make men’s brains turn to goo, but “with great power comes great responsibility”, and to cock-tease a man you have no intention of following through with is just being a jerk.
Well, OK, but you’ll have to be “the lone voice” along with Leaffan, Tabula Rasa, kunilou, norinew, Anaamika, Qadgop the Mercotan, What Exit? and me. I think it’s actually pretty fairly split.
Yes! That’s exactly the debate my and my “Dirty Old Man” friends were debating. To us non-family members; she’s easy on the eyes. (Not that any of us would actually persue something like that)
So in our heads we’re thinking how does Dad seperate the whole “Playboy Manchine theme” from “Oh, it’s just Daddy’s little girl” thing.
I guess you have to be a father of a daughter to really understand.
Oh good, I’m glad you came back and clarified for me. (And I didn’t even tell you I was confused - so you’re extra clever!) When I was making my list, you were on it, and then you weren’t, because I wasn’t sure whether the lap sitting was part of “The relationship should change SOMEWHAT I think.” Now I’m clear. One more for “our side”! Huzzah!
Want to start an international “Hug Your Teenager” day? Or how about daily? I’m declaring 6:34 PM Hug Your Teenager Minute. It’ll be great. We’ll see if their eyes can roll all the way out of their heads. (But they’ll secretly love it.)
My daughter is 24 and married. She lives in another city, but when she comes home, she sometimes sits on my lap, puts an arm around my neck and rests her head on my shoulder, because she loves her father and misses me, and is never too old for comforting, purely fatherly hugs. I am proud to have raised children who are loving, affectionate and caring, and who clearly love their parents (both of us). I suppose, given the attitudes and disgusting snottiness of some of the people responding in this thread, that I should also say that when she sits on my lap it is nearly always in the presence of her mother (my wife) and her husband, while the family is together. And none of us finds it “creepy” or “inappropriate” or in any way noteworthy: a daughter is showing her father she loves him and is glad to see him; a father is assuring his daughter that she’ll “always be his little girl” and he loves and misses her.
When my wife was that age, I saw her sit on her father’s lap sometimes, because she too was raised in a loving family. She was showing her father that, although she had married and moved away, she still loved him and missed him.
What creeps me out is how many sick, twisted, perverted people there obviously are in the world who want to make friendly, fatherly, familial, completely non-sexual contact between family members into something bad or wrong. It’s people who think like that who have confused and frightened so many children and parents of today so much that they are unwilling or unable to show love to each other, or comfort or console each other. Talk about a loss of family values!
Add me to the list, and thank you Qagdop for that post. Man, the hysteria of this age re “children” (this girl is 16!) makes me vomit in terror. It’s approaching witch-hunting levels, sometimes literally
My youngest daughter is turning 16 next Saturday and has felt uncomfortable (because it’s so unsophisticated) accepting any sort of physical affection, outside of a peck on a cheek when we’re saying goodbye for a few weeks, for some time now. It’s kind of sad (what I miss most, I think, is holding her hand as we cross busy streets) but what are you going to do? You gotta respect her boundaries for physical contact, don’t you? She gets to set those boundaries, and you’ve got to respect them. I wish I had more touchy-feelly kids, because I love hugging my kids, and kissing them goodnight, and otherwise expressing my love for them in ways that please them, but Rule One seems to me that you can’t express that love in ways that DON’T please them. So if the 16-y.o daughter is fine with it, and it’s fine with the dad, and there’s nothing otherwise creepy going on, I say Go for it.
This really does make me sad. Daddy and I were never too close but I still hold the hand of my favorite Uncle when I cross the street and I’m 30. Of course he lives in India so it doesn’t happen often.
Khangol your post is so sweet. Welcome to the boards.
What I meant is that the whole relationship changes somewhat, not necessarily the lap sitting. I can already see that at age 10 my daughter has modified her relationship with her dad a little. They still do the tickle fests and all, but I see it growing into more of a growing up type of relationship. Healthy. She adores her dad and he adores her…I love to see it.
I think hugs and touching within a family are so important…keeps us close–and not in a “oogy” way either! I even hug my teenage nephew now and then…I just love the look he gives me, his short, stout aunt…he’s so perplexed!
Exactly. It wasn’t that long ago that he was changing her diapers, reading her bedtime stories, doing the “fart-noise” thing on her tummy, etc. She’s still his little daughter and you other guys are the perverts.
I was wondering if we were all chopped liver…
