My Precious Angel who was sent from Heaven above is now 13 and has a 13yo boyfriend. Where once, she ran to greet me every day, now I get sass & stinkeye for merely requesting she put her dishes in the dishwasher.
Anyway, The Boy comes over on Fridays or Saturdays, often with 2 other friends of theirs - daughter’s BFF and The Boy’s BFF (but not a couple), and they watch TV and play games. Fine. It’s what kids do.
But they’ve been getting cozy, snuggling and arms around one another, and just being glued to each other on the couch. Den door closed -“we can’t hear because you’re talking” - in the dark.
I make sure to pop in now and then, and they never move. They’re just conjoined twins, now is all.
I say no. I’m not comfortable with this. I want some daylight twixt these two. I’ll accept some hand-holding, but snuggling is off the table for 2 years.
Naturally, Mrs. Duc says I’m over-reacting, her friends do worse, and she’s nowhere near interested in what I’m afraid of.
I say a 13yo boy is nearly a 14yo boy, and I remember being a 14yo boy and what I did with 13yo girls. Og bless you, D.D. You know who you are!
I don’t have kids myself, but I coach a high school activity that involves me spending a lot of time babysitting a bunch of teenagers. My rules with them are a little different than if they were my actual kids, so. . .
My rule, in your situation, would be that if they want to cuddle, the door has to be open and the lights have to be on. Then, hands need to stay away from any pink places-- so, on the arms, upper back, etc. are ok. I’d also start discussing birth control with her. My parents, I think, did it the right way-- my mom explained my options, said she’d be happy to take me when I was ready, but if I was too embarrassed, she told me all about PP, that it was free, and how to get there. Shortly thereafter, I got on a bus and headed to PP without telling my mom, but I’ve been practicing safe sex ever since.
When I was not a whole lot older than your daughter, I was totally taking advantage of the fact that my parents trusted boys in my room with the door closed and the lights off. It was about that time I learned how quickly I can put my shirt on if my door starts opening.
My house will definitely have a ‘doors stay open’ rule. She’s only 5 now but I’m already not looking forward to it. She still runs to me when I get home from work!
ETA: I voted for option 3 because I don’t advocate cane-whacking and holding hands is fine, but just say no to closed doors/lights off.
If you don’t insist the door stay open, you may as well toss in a box of condoms, too. Not that they’ll remember to use them. Don’t you guys make any rules there?
I voted “get over it” because there wasn’t an option for “permissive but the door must be open”. Or, as it was when I was in nerd camp, three out of every four feet must be on the floor.
Unless you plan to keep track of her 24/7, you forbiding her from cuddling/making out/sex in your house doesn’t mean “no cuddling/making out/sex”, it just means “no cuddling/making out/sex in Ducati’s house”, which is rather different.
Enabling her to make smarter choices about sex would have more effect than trying to stop her from engaging in sexual activity unless, again, you plan to keep track of her 24/7.
You might say “well I can’t stop her when she’s outside my house but at least I won’t let it happen here”. But what end are you pursuing? If it’s stopping her from getting hurt/pregnant, it doesn’t matter where sexual activity happens, it only matters that she make smart choices.
Is it about the fact that mixing the concepts of “my daughter” and “sex” freaks you out? If so, your end isn’t really to help your daughter.
Thirteen is too young for a boyfriend and definitely too young for cuddling. Doors closed? Uh-uh!
I think back on the people I went to HS with - the girls with stricter (I like to think “sensible”) parents are now married (some with children - planned) and have good college degrees and nice houses. And nice husbands. I can think of four couples off the top off my head who married each other.
PS Did I mention that thirteen is too young to have a boyfriend? What the hell? Kids are notorious for making bad decisions!
Doors have to stay open. Thirteen is a bit young to be thrown to the hormonal wolves. She won’t like it, but she needs your limits for a little longer.
I had a brief stint as a Catholic school teacher- at dances, I’d screech at the kids to leave room for the Holy Spirit. One kid, that clever son of a bitch, said: “Ummm, but the Holy Spirit is around us at all times and doesn’t actually take up space.”
Her mother needs to have “The Talk” with her. Now.
While forbidding sexual activity in your home isn’t going to stop it from happening, she does need to know you think she is too young - and why you think she is too young. Not “Because I said so”, but real facts of life.
Lights on. Doors open.
Are you physically affectionate with her mother in front of her? If not, just be honest and tell her it makes you uncomfortable.
I went with the first option, but I think an important question is: what do you think of The Boy, and what do you think her & his intentions are? See, your question is about cuddling, and if that is truly what this is about I see absolutely no problem. So start with cuddling allowed with the door open. If you feel that your daughter can handle that and is making wise decisions for herself, in a little while allow more. It also seems like your daughter has asked you about this directly, in which case: congratulations, she trusts you!
I do hope you’re not uncomfortable with the cuddling on the sofa as it is, the thought that anybody feels negatively about two young people showing they have warm fuzzy feelings for each other makes me sad. Surely everybody should be allowed to express their feelings with a cuddle?
I’m grateful now that my parents got to know my boyfriend when I was 15. We waited a while, but later he was allowed to sleep over at their house. Now, 11 years later, we’re still happy together.
I don’t understand the “it’s gonna happen anyway” argument. It doesn’t mean that Mom & Dad have to approve of underage drinking, sex at thirteen, drugs, and ditching class. Why lend your approval to a thirteen year old performing oral sex?
You can’t 100 per cent prevent it, but there are a lot of things you can do to lower the odds.
imho, 13 year old couples should have a chaperone. That was the rule when I was growing up and I’m 26. It’s perfectly reasonable, if not the responsible thing to do.
