Cuddling is a gateway intimacy.
We have a 13 year old daughter and a 12 year old daughter.
They are not allowed to have boyfriends. Solves that problem.
Yes, I am a meanie.
Just curious if you actually believe what you’re saying? I was “normal” and every cuddling session I held at that age ended hot and bothered or worse/better? I remember some parents allowing us the privacy trusting us… that trust was not deserved. 
Often we would make it to umm hands down pants with parents in the room, teach them to allow us to cuddle under blankets on the couch!
This was from 13 through 16, past 16 just drove to a nice pull over spot. I know all my friends, both sexes, played around. But I cannot speak for youth today, or everyone in my day.
OP, please do what you feel comfortable with, and follow the advice given by others. The TALK would probably be helpful about now.
ETA: Door open, lights on, no covers would be how I would want it as the parent!
I can’t be the only teenager to have tried “You said no sleeping in the same room. Obviously, we weren’t asleep, so what’s the problem?.” when I was caught, was I?
(To any teens considering this: based on my own experience, I advise against attempting any crushing logical arguments while attempting to put on pants rapidly.)
Lights on, door wide open, no covers, and it’s known that Mom and/or Dad may walk in at any moment.
I wouldn’t walk in much, though - particularly after you’ve tested 'em a few times and they’re behaving.
Door closed and lights off? Oh HELLZ no!
Approval? Perhaps you were responding to me but I didn’t say that Ducati should approve of it, just prepare her if it happens. Even a laissez-faire attitude towards something doesn’t amount to approval of it.
Presumably, Ducati wants to act in a way that will reduce the probability of hurt and possible pregnancy. I agree with your argument that it’s not about preventing it 100% (very few things can prevent harms 100%). The question is whether forbidding sexual activity will lower the odds. I don’t think it will, it’s too easy to ignore the prohibition.
I’ll weigh in, as the father of 13 and 17 year old girls. My opinion is no more nor less valid than any other here, for the record.
Lights on and door open. And daylight between them. But my answer is based on different things than most.
First, you need to understand that you’ve taught her almost all that you can. You can still guide and you can still teach, but you’ve either instilled your values by the age of 12 or you haven’t.
At thirteen, she’s surrounded by drugs, drinking, sex, and decisions, good and poor.
So she’s going to make her own decisions. She’ll decide when she becomes sexually active, and nothing you can do or say will change that. But there are two things you HAVE to do as a parent.
First is The Talk. Be as honest and straightforward as you can be. Don’t deny that sex is pleasurable, potentially emotionally fulfilling, and sometimes a whole lot of fun, but also don’t deny that it can be emotionally fraught and damaging. Tell her every anecdote you’ve experienced–from high school lovers who lasted to the girl with self-esteem issues who slept with everyone in sight.
Second is to be her out. As I said, she’ll make her own decisions. If you’ve done your job right, she’s going to go further than you’re comfortable with. She’ll do things that would make you nauseous if you knew they were going on. What’s important is that she’s not going any further than she’s comfortable with! With the door open and the light on you can feign both deftness and blindness, as needed. But it allows her to pull the parent card when she wants to.
It’s all about open communication, and in saying that I’m not saying anything that hasn’t been said a million time before. My eldest (17) just came to her mother and said she was ready to go onto birth control. We think we’ve walked the line well enough to know that she’s a) been intimate sans coitus, b) she’s ready to be fully active, and c) she trusts us enough to involve us, even if it makes us uncomfortable.
Does it make me twitch? Fuck yes. We just finished putting together her senior yearbook ad, comprised of pictures of her between the ages of 2 and 6. But she’s neither 2 nor 6.
Do you want your daughter to be a fully realized human being? Of course you do. So accept that she’s a sexual being. And that’s a good thing, within age appropriate limits.
My last word on the subject (sorry if I’m rambling a bit)–be dad. Give her the space you’re comfortable with, and then give a titch more. Put your foot down when you have to, deal with feeling uncomfortable otherwise. Boyfriends, lovers, husbands–all are subject to change. Dad isn’t. Fathers are, sure. Mom’s boyfriends are, too. Dad is not. If you’re really dad, then you’re immutable.
Be a man. For better or worse, my girls are going to judge other men against me, to my benefit or detriment. Your daughter will judge her partners against her standard of you, and your standard of her. Do it justice.
No cuddling at thirteen. I wouldn’t have allowed it at all.
And I’m considered a cool mom according to BloodyL, my 22 year old daughter. It’s just not appropriate at that age and I don’t care how unpopular that might make me with other adults. She wasn’t allowed to even consider dating until she was 16. No boyfriends, no cuddling, no hand holding. Nothing. Being a teen is hard enough without the extra challenge of dealing with a relationship.
I’m a mid-20 year old who one day dreams of raising a family, so I’m only answering from a hypothetical “what would I do in your situation…” sort of a feeling.
I would say that at 13 she’s old enough to have a little physical contact, and cuddling probably isn’t the worst thing in the world. I would definitely say it’s a good idea to make sure that when this cuddling is being done in your house, it’s going to happen in a fully lit room that you can access easily and frequently. I’d also make sure I talked to her about sex and love and physical contact etc, and all the good and bad stories. And I’d tell her that it was up to her to make the right decisions, that I can’t force her to do the right things, but that I would be there for her if she screws up and makes a mistake or needs a way out of a bad situation. I wouldn’t tell her what is right or what is wrong, but I will definitely let her know how easy it is to get into a situation that can be highly damaging for a long time, and make sure she understands the negative consequences of all the possible decisions.
In the end, I’d tell her that in my house, if any physical contact is going on it, it will be done in a lit room, with the door open, and that sex of any kind (including just touching) is not a good decision at her age. I’d ask her very sincerely to fight her urge to do anything more than just hold hands and maybe kiss her BF, because it would mean a lot to me if she saved sexual experiences for when she was older and more mature.
Unless your point is that the kids are 130 years old, I don’t think the year is relevant.
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Azraiel, I’m going to print out your comment and share it with my husband. We have 13 and 10 y.o. girls and your advice seems absolutely spot.on to me.
Our 13 y.o. has just started noticing boys, and they’ve started noticing HER in a whole new way this year. She’s navigating it well, and we’re doing our best. Lines of communication are all the way open, no matter how uncomfortable it makes us. If she were to have a boy over to hang out at our home, it would be in plain sight, lights on, door open, no questions asked.
Permission does not equate to approval. Cuddling is not sex, and I see no reason to prevent them from such activity. Door stays open, pop in from time to time, and leave it be.
sorry apparently I don’t know what I’m talking about. maybe I’ll understand when I am a parent
Just an FYI, I was not allowed to have a boyfriend until I was 16. I went to third base at 11 and lost my virginity 3 days after my 14th birthday. Honestly, they will find a way.
With this in mind (I have wee ones of my own), I would keep the door open and lights on (no covers) because I think it is inappropriate to do certain things when everyone is up and about (for any age). The line is the same as that for my husband and me (quick kisses, hugs, snuggling and handholding is okay in front of the kids so it is okay in front of parents).
I would also have a reiteration of the talk with her (because you have already had it with her a few times, right?) Approach it from the male perspective. Explain how difficult it is to be a boy at that age and what it felt like. She probably won’t get it.
I also liked the comment above about being your kids’ out. My parents (once I was allowed to date, natch) told me that if I ever didn’t want to do something or felt uncomfortable, I could use them as an excuse. Didn’t matter what it was. It made me really feel like I was trusted and that even when they weren’t around all the time as I got older I had someone on my team.
Good points, all, as usual.
Even though I know everything and am always right, I still try to remember that other perspectives and opinions can have some value to me.
Mom had The Talk long ago, and she’s a smart kid, so I’m not so worried about eminent “touching”, though I know it will be on the table sooner than I want.
When I was 17, and my GF 16, her very pragmatic mom kept us supplied with birth control. She knew good and well that a beautiful, buxom babe with a very handsome boyfriend was going to do what kids do, and she made sure to do a controlled burn instead of fighting a million acre wildfire later. For my part, she knew I was a kind, responsible :rolleyes: , respectful young man who did not drink, smoke, or tolerate drugs or drinking. I really was a nice boy, even if I did want to bang her daughter.
I always admired her practicality and trust, and resolved long ago to emulate her when the time came.
I know now that I never can.
IANA Parent so I’m posting as a former 13-year-old girl with extremely religious, strict parents. I was not allowed to date until 16. I was definitely not allowed to have boyfriends until I was 16. With some boys I dated (from church) we were not allowed to go out more than three times successively. No “steady” dating. You had to switch it up.
I had my first kiss at 12. First full on makeout session at 13. First sex at 14. Still do not have children. Did not grow up to marry and have babies. Grew up to own my own house and have a career. The only thing my parents’ strict rules taught me was how to lie better.
I’m not saying the OP should go for some sort of strict lockdown policy nor an open permissive policy. That’s none of my business. I’m just sayin’ for those who are proudly proclaiming that your daughters are “not allowed” to have boyfriends, I laugh in your face. They are not allowed to have boyfriends that you know about. It doesn’t really matter what rules you make as a parent. If I kid wants to do something badly enough, he or she will figure out a way to do it.
I won’t waste time correcting the typos in my original post, or explaining some of the vaguer passages. But I need to address this.
Have you had The Talk with her? If you haven’t, you need to. You have a perspective that her mother doesn’t have, and one that isn’t readily available to her otherwise.
Yeah, it’s going to suck for you. Yes, you’ll be off solid food for days. It’s (I say lovingly) your job.
Possibly pointless anecdote ahead!
When my eldest was 15, she disappeared into the back with a 21 y.o. guy at a 4th of July party. They were kissin’ and huggin’, but got no further before we noticed her absence and tracked them down. To find that he was two sheets to the wind and drinking straight whiskey. (She was sober, for the record.) “And he was cute, and mature, and interested in her”.
You really shouldn’t call your daughter dumb, but I came close that night. Instead, we all went to bed, slept on it, and talked in the morning. Eldest was certain we had overreacted, and that nothing untoward would have occurred. I decided to share the story of my best friend in college, and how she came to be date raped at 14. And then went into a spiral of promiscuity seeking validation to counter her self-esteem issues before she found her balance. It wasn’t a threat, but real-life experience. It didn’t register immediately, but it wasn’t long before she approached me for more details.
And then, when the time was right, daughter and I had a conversation about “blue balls”. And I gave her the straight dope. Yes, it can hurt. Yes, it can be frustrating. But it’s never a good reason to acquiesce to something she didn’t want to do. The fact that I knew that said condition could be remedied by a teenage male (by himself) in under a minute was a plus. Mom had heard the same line, but didn’t know how to respond to it.
What? You didn’t think that being a dad meant having conversations about testicular discomfort? Sorry. It does. Just as much as being the father of girls includes pads, tampons, and the dreaded “mom’s out of town, and I just got my first period.” (2 for 2 here, for the record.)
Anyway, back to the issue at hand. You, dad, need to sit down with your precious girl and have the frankest conversation you can stand. You are the one owner and operator of a penis that she trusts completely (I hope), knowing that you’re looking out for her interests and not your own. You have an unique window to explain men, their drives, and their motivations, at least as far as you know.
You can be a loving resource to your daughter. You know and have experienced things she never can. I think it’s your job to share those things.
My brother has a son who is now 18. When my nephew was 12-14, my brother discovered that the pursuerers were the girls. The constant calls, one coming to the window. He saw one in the TV room blatantly attempt to give a blow job. She apparently didn’t realize he was standing in the doorway. It’s really difficult for a 13 year old boy to turn down such offers.
Your daughter may not be this way, of course. It’s just another reason to have the talk with her.
Cuddling is a gateway to sex. Holding hands is enough. A boy is gonna see cuddling as an opportunity, not a means to an end.
Some teenagers are just touchy feely, some babies are, some dogs are, but innocent things can get you into trouble, especially if you’re not wise enough to realize that your actions can be left open to interpretation
This was the rule in my mom’s house: “If you can’t drive yourself there, you’re not dating.”
Limited hand-holding and hugging/cuddling (no closed doors, no blankets, at least some lights on) was allowed, but that was pragmatic–mom wasn’t about to ban anything that was allowed at the post-football-game dance, because that wouldn’t have helped anything.
Not to say there wasn’t some 1st and 2nd-base activities going on when I was able to sneak it in, but in the main it worked out that I really didn’t have opportunity to break the rules because I didn’t have any real way of getting outside the sightline of a chaperone, given I AM the older brother and it was the social death penalty (aka grounded until school starts next year) if I got in a car and my parents didn’t know/approve.
In light of other responses, I should note–this works best if you are the kind of parents who make sure that the rules don’t cramp your kid’s style too much. I never chafed under the “not without a chaperone anywhere” restriction because I was too busy going to amusement parks, or on trips, or whatever, with my actually pretty cool parents. Then too, I also had innumerable examples among my cousins and older neighborhood kids about the actual consequences of stupid or rushed sexual behavior (in the form of a lot of babies to a lot of 14-17yr-olds.)