This isn’t a new problem. I ran into it 15 years ago!
I was working in an outdoor store, and we had a new assistant manager who had been there less than a week. We found out it was his birthday, so we decided to get him a card. He seemed cool, but we barely knew him. So I trotted off to Pathmark to pick out the card. I figured I’d get something inoffensive and mildly humorous, like a Snoopy card or maybe something like the Sandra Boynton hippo birdie card.
Yeah right.
Apparently, “happy birthday” wasn’t a sufficient message for a card. It had to be “you are the light of my life and the reason for my existence and my heart soars with joy as I express my fondest wish that you have a wonderfully happy birthday.” Or “You are old and ugly and a jerk besides, but in spite of your bad personality and foul odor, I wish you a happy birthday.” Or “Look, I’m giving you this card because if I don’t, you probably won’t let me into your pants. So happy birthday. Let’s fuck.”
I finally found a blank card and wrote “happy birthday” on it.
Too bad we didn’t know him better at that point, because he would have gotten a big laugh out of a wholly inappropriate birthday card from his coworkers. And he would have freakin’ LOVED the gay vampire molestor Jesus.
I fail to see what is so funny about telling someone you aren’t going to get them a present for their birthday. I swear, the last time I went card shopping at least 75% of the “funny” cards were about how the person wasn’t going to get anything else from the sender.
I’m another data point. My coworkers and I call this one “Homoerotic Jesus.” It’s graced the front cover of some Christian calendar that has come out for the last few years… the calendar is a close-up of the hot groping action, skipping the mushy flowery bits.
I hate buying them, but don’t have problems finding appropriate cards. Peanuts cards are always good and relatively tasteful (thank goodness, as I kind of feared that Snoopy, et al., would get whored out upon Mr. Schulz’s death), and now feature character designs from across the years-- late '60s and early '70s Snoopy is always welcome. Even Hallmark’s sound cards with the Peanuts gang have been cute and non-offensive; a coworker got me the one where the sound chip played the “wah-wah-wah” teacher sound.
For non-licensed stuff that isn’t totally generic, it helps to look in places other than big box stores’ card racks. My local mom-and-pop “Post Office Express” carries a good selection of tasteful secular cards, and (perhaps specifically catering to the needs of buying cards for coworkers or customers) Kinko’s and other copy shops seem to have a good variety of simple, non-offensive cards. Boxed cards are also good; since they’re meant to be sent out in bulk, the messages are always general and inoffensive. Buy a box and be set for a few years’ worth of social interaction!
Either it’s a mocking the person humor card or a card that sounds like they are you’re lover it’s so personal. There is exactly one card that is a plain occasion card hiding in the whole isle, usually behind one of the other types.
The above was one of the reasons I started to print my own cards when I owned my first inkjet color printer.
I have developed a strategy to get around the problem of bad greeting cards. I just send a completely and hilariously inappropriate card (but not vulgar or sick). For example, if it’s my 40 year-old sister’s birthday I find one of those cheesy/sweet cartoony ones that’s inscribed: “Grandson, it’s your Bar Mitzvah!” On the inside maybe it reads “Mazel Tov!” or some such.
I might scribble a note that says “I didn’t know which card I should get–I hope you like this one, Merry Christmas!” (remember–it’s her birthday). Or I may write: “Shecky, dear boy, I was nearly crazy with all the cards I had to send out this week! What if I got some switched around? Oy!”
It’s funny to me, anyway, and it solves the problem of being able to find the perfect card.
I’ve always hated greeting cards. My wife was the card engine, so I gave them up completely after my divorce. And now I even refuse to receive Christmas cards from my relatives. They say “we always sent Christmas cards despite being non-Christian, they are for the holiday” And I frankly don’t care. I don’t want them, and don’t want birthday cards and father’s day cards and bon voyage cards and labor day cards and whatever else they come up with cards. “sickeningly sappy or totally tasteless” certainly covers the genre.
Agreed. I like to send and receive cards just because it is fun to get something in the mail that is not a bill. I think a blank card with room to write a personal message is the best option for many situations.
About three years ago I started making my own cards. They probably wind up costing just as much, but they don’t have sappy sayings in them (unless that’s what I want) and they aren’t overly cute (unless that’s what I want), and I’m much happier with them.
Some time after purchasing the card I saw this same image, and other Blackshear prints, mentioned in an article that appeared in The Stranger about how very, very gay Ted Haggard’s church was.
I occasionally make my own cards. When I have to start paying Hallmark $3, $4, or more for a card, Hallmark can kiss my ass. There are whole books on the subject and I’ve made some really stunning ones… Those proficient with their computers can turn out personalized cards using pictures stored online. … And I totally agree, if you have to buy a card, buy a blank card without the glurge or fart jokes.
This is the way I handle it, too. For my parents, I generally find cards in other languages with random pictures (I once gave my dad a birthday card in Polish with, for whatever reason, a photo of a cabbage field on the front), or I’ll get a card for a different occasion and then cross out a bunch of stuff (gender, occasion, sentiment) and write in the appropriate phrases. Funnier than blank. For my brother, I’m usually more tasteless - I often get him a variation on one of the “let’s fuck!” cards. For the record, my dad always gets one for me that says something about being a “special child” and then fills the card with short bus jokes.
I’m actually really excited this year, because my husband and I found a bunch of “fantasy” cards in a local supermarket - they’re all dragons and fairies unicorns hooded figures and gold foil and sparkles. Kind of like this, but with more drama. They’re going to be our christmas cards this year.
I find it nearly impossible to find cards for my father.
All funny cards revolve around either disgusting things (farting, shitting, etc) or men-being-stereotypical shit, usually golf and beer. My Dad doesn’t like golf or beer.
Most of the sincere cards are themes on “We know you love us even though you never say so,” which is wholly inappropriate because my Dad DOES say so.
Or dogs. Mr. Sali doesn’t hate dogs, but he LOVES cats. I end up buying him birthday cards “from the cat”. Sad state of affairs in the world of greeting cards when cards from animals are better than cards from humans!
One of my favorite cards had clip art of a lady from the late '50s and a rooster on the front. The lady was saying “It’s your birthday today, yes it is!” to which the rooster replied “Yes it is!”. The inside stated that this was the best card available in the store.
I’ve also seen a card that has a picture of a cucumber on the front. The inside reveals that the cucumber card was selected because the store was out of kumquat cards.
Oh! I love that card! I love it so much I’ve given it to both my mother and my spouse on different occasions. To this day, years later, we’ll still occasionally say at random, “It’s your birthday today! Yes it is!”
They don’t make 'em like that anymore. Nowadays I settle for the surreal cards, for the most part–the ones with other clip art from the 50s and surreal or snarky captions. The spouse and I love them. My mom…not so much.
Spouse and I are always bemoaning the fact that almost every card these days is written in ‘greeting card verse’–you know:
“Da da da da da da da da
da da da da da da.
Da da da da da da da da,
Da da da da da da.”
That’s always the meter, and always sappily sentimental. I don’t have a sappy sentimental bone in my body. I can’t send those cards. It makes me feel oogy inside if I do. I can’t send the fart ones, either, or the “you’re so old” ones.
I usually manage to find something acceptable from the “Shoebox” line, if the recipient just wouldn’t appreciate a surreal one. My mother, unfortunately, is a card fiend. I’ve finally convinced her not to send me cards for the most part, but she gets upset if I don’t send them to her, so I do.