Greeting Cards you wish existed


A cheery hello to you, fellow office building-mate!

(drawing of dancing bears)


Next time you take a crap, flush!

(picture of bears with ‘oopsie face’)



Happy Mother’s Day!


You did the best you could.

I hear you had a bladder op
I hope you’re on the mend
So I thought I’d buy you this greeting card
And a big box of Depends

Cover: Gross caricature of a voluptuous babe being leered at by a stalker-looking guy, surrounded by jagged hearts in garish shades of red and pink.

Inside: Cartoon (with much softer lines) of an awkward-but-cute-looking guy loosening his collar and saying, “Okay, whew, you opened it. I just didn’t want anyone to see me buying a mushy-looking valentine. Okay, here goes: ‘Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day…’”

Cover: A larger lollipop sucker, the kind you see at county fairs.

Inside: “Need I say more?”

I looked for a card like this many years ago when a cousin was getting married. The gal he was marrying left the day after the wedding for US Air Force boot camp. 8 weeks later she returned from boot camp, thanked him for watching her kids and kicked him out of the house. I knew this was going to happen but no one would listen to me.

"Hallmark needs to market National Coming Out Day cards. Like:

Dear Mom, I chose this special day
To let you know that I am gay.


I know I played baseball and hockey and tag
But now I play disco cos I’m a big fag.

Mine would go:

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m a lesbian,
And so is Aunt Phyllis.

  • Sabrina Matthews

From another website I visit frequently…


I especially like… well, all of them, actually. Work-friendly link, by the way. Other stuff on his site may not be. He’s got some funny stories about how he has messed with peoples’ heads.

My condolences on your allergy to paper products.

Times are rough,
Money’s hard,
So here’s your fucking
Christmas card

Jake Plummer and Dave Boston standing in front of a staduim.

“Hi, we are the defending superbowl champs thanks for coming out to the game today.”

104 years now, we are Due damn it!

Have a very merry menopause!

Now, put your clothes back on and turn off that fucking fan.


So sorry you’re sick…

…hope you don’t die.

coverHeard your pregnant!

**inside ** I weep for the future.

Cover: Large puddle of water, some lumps of coal, a carrot, corncob pipe, muffler and beat up top hat. Caption: Have a Merry Christmas"

Inside: Frosty would have wanted it that way.

I saw this in a NY Post or Daily News manny years ago and thought it would be a great card. There was a large photograph of a man in a Santa outfit holding a revolver with the cylinder open. The caption was “He’s making a list, checking it twice”

I’ve long thought a range of negative greeting cards would sell very well. It’d be nice to walk into a newsagent’s and see a big FUCK YOU category with Father, Mother. Husband Wife, Boss etc subcategories.

LolacocaCola, you beat me to it with that one. Those cards do exist though - I 've received one.

Yeh, your right, TheLoadedDog - I’ve seen 'em before ages ago…

I need a stockpile for this year. :smiley:

Need to find cards that say:

  • “Congrats! You Got Laid!”

  • “Congratulations on your first orgasm”

  • “I would love to wish you a happy (mother’s or father’s) day. However, to aacknowledge that you are my parent, I would have to acknowledge that you had sexual relations with (parent of opposite sex) to have me. I can’t do that. So, from the epitome of human evolution to you, have a happy day!”


Sorry to hear about the troubles in your marriage.


Let me know when the divorce is finalized so I can throw a congratulatory party for your ex-husband.


No, no, no, no, no - you’ll find all these cards and more at Kaboom:

Trust me - these are the BOMB!