My dad’s birthday is coming up and I was at Walgreens trying to find a card to send him. I usually try to find a humorous card that isn’t too dumb, but no such luck this year. Maybe I’m getting old, or maybe standards have devolved, but I just don’t feel like telling my dad that he’s known for having thunderous flatulence or that his balls will become even saggier; I just want to wish him a happy birthday.
At my last job, I had the oh-so-joyous responsibility of buying birthday cards for employees. It’s surprisingly difficult to find a birthday card suitably neutral for a coworker, and virtually impossible to find one for a man. Everything that isn’t overly familiar (let alone downright vulgar) is fucking sparkly.
Seriously, I’m not much of a woe-is-me type, but contemplate the trouble you’re having finding ONE appropriate card, and then imagine having to find 25 different ones.
I looked at cards for 10 solid minutes, so I imagine trying to find 25 non-offensive yet interesting cards would totally suck.
Couldn’t agree more. I hate the, “oh father I love you and mushy mushy mushy”. Why can’t they have cards that just say, ‘Happy birthday’ or even better, “Enjoy your special day” that way I can by 300 in bulk and use it for every occasion.
Card shopping sucks. If there’s any more than 5 or so lines on the front, I immediately put it back. Who wants to read 20 lines of sappy crap when 1-2 sentences offer the same sentiment. It seems the card writers are starting to think more=better and they throw everything in there but the kitchen sink.
USPS.com lets me upload my latest fave of the kid and customize it and mail it for less than two bucks.
That works best for me, but I am not super local either.
You can also have them shipped to you. I haven’t found a better deal for small print runs.
All that, and “when you care enough to pay two or three times as much for the same thing” grates, too.
No, it’s not just you. My dad doesn’t golf, he doesn’t sit around all day and watch sports, he doesn’t drink beer and belch, he doesn’t fish, he and I have never exchanged a single “I love you” in our entire lives, and we didn’t have the storybook kind of father/son relationship. That makes it nearly impossible to find a card for him.
Mom’s a similar story. I usually have to go to 3 or 4 stores to find a card for either of them.
I used to do the spend 20 minutes looking for an appropriate card thing and ran into the same issue of too sappy or too tasteless, but now I just make my own. I have a couple templates I use and then usually add a funny photo of the person in question (I take lots of photos at various get togethers). Takes about the same time as going to the store to look for a card and people always love them way more than a store bought card.
I buy blank cards and write whatever I want in them.
This is one reason why cards with a nice picture but which are blank on the inside are so useful. You can write whatever you want.
I still remember a Miss Manners column from many years ago. The reader said something like this:
“My friend’s father just died a couple of days ago. Her birthday is coming up soon. I can’t figure out whether to send a birthday card and add, ‘by the way, sorry about your loss’, or a condolence card and add, ‘by the way, happy birthday!’”
So MM said that there is no way a preprinted card could express what needed to be expressed in this situation – the reader would need to buy a blank card.
ETA: Beaten by Sunspace!
The good ones are harder to find. I think the industry is in trouble because ordinary greeting cards are simply going away, like ordinary personal mail. Replaced with phone calls and email photos.
I disagree with the OP in one respect - it is more like 99.9% Birthday cards for ones wife come in three flavors
- Mushy mush
- I’m glad you love me because I’m such a worthless piece of crap
- Let’s screw
The last good card I found was about five years ago, which had “shit happens” as interpreted by various religions. Jewish: “Why does this shit happen to me?” Generic, but at least funny.
Oddly, cards supposedly coming from ones dogs are much better than those supposed to come from a husband.
I too have been frustrated trying to find decent birthday cards for friends or siblings. So many of them are either “Ha ha, you’re really old!” (my friends and I are late 20s-early 30s, my siblings are even younger) or “Here’s a ribald joke, that’s also really old!” And if it’s not one of those, it’s something incredibly sappy.
When I do find a decent one that expresses a reasonably straightforward wish for a happy birthday and maybe some cute but not too cutesy joke or picture then I usually buy two to spare myself the search for the next birthday that rolls around.
Although I’m white and the majority of my friends are likewise white, I’ve purchased cards from Hallmark’s “Mahogany” line (targeted at African-Americans) several times because they seem to do a much better job of wishing someone a happy birthday and maybe even complimenting them without getting too flowery or including some tasteless joke.
This Powermaster’s for you! Light my Uptown.
I have an account with a place called sendoutcards.com
you can pretty much do anything you want even start with a totally blank card.
They print it, put it in an envelope, even let you add gifts/gift cards, and ship it.
We discovered you can even do custom personalized pornographic cards.
It is an MLM subscription service, PM me if you want a trial account and I can hook you up.
The best birthday card I ever found featured a trio of bodies wrapped in sheets on the cover and the words “I don’t get it either - happy birthday” printed inside. My wife laughed and laughed and I don’t think I’ll find another one that good again.
What’s worse is trying to help your kids find a birthday card. It’s inevitable: I take them to the aisle, I hear giggling and snorting, and they have found a card which features farting.
I hate that.
Probably the greatest (by which I mean worst) card I ever bought was one from the Christian card section. It had this Thomas Blackshear image on the front, depicting what appears to be a gay vampire version of Jesus groping a man who suffered a heart attack while playing croquet in a field of lilies.
It was in the blank cards section, but when I opened it I saw that it actually has a message although it was printed on the side where you wouldn’t normally write. The message was the following Bible verse: “If you, O Lord, kept a record of sins…who could stand? But with you there is forgiveness…” Psalm 130:3,4 NIV
I stood in the card aisle for a little bit trying to think what kind of occasion such a card would be appropriate for. “Happy anniversary! On this special day, I hope you both remember that you’re sinners who can only be redeemed through the love of Christ!” “Happy graduation, Tiffany! As you move on through life, never forget that you’re a sinner!”
I finally decided the only appropriate use for this card was sending it to a friend with a sick sense of humor as a birthday card.
As I was checking out, the clerk said “Oh! That’s…an interesting card!” I said “I know! It really caught my eye. I think my friend will love it!”
My friend did love it. She later told me that she hadn’t noticed the Bible verse at first and assumed it was from Hot Topic or something. She was amazed to realize that the cover image was meant seriously.
I agree. I have bought children’s cards for adults a few times out of desperation.