Along similar lines of AHunter3’s suggestion, I remember that I joined a neighborhood babysitting co-op when my daughter was young. It was really good for both of us. Since I had worked full-time up until her birth, I did not really know the other mothers in my neighborhood. I was the only mother in our close group of 4 couples who did everything together. They were all nuts about “our” new baby, but the other mothers knew better what I was dealing with and I got lots of new friends, new child related contacts, etc. And a great benefit was that as the children grew up they became friends and loved for us to go out so they could be “co-oped”. The concept was simple: You earned hours by keeping other mothers’ children. All hours earned and used were called in to the secretary. The secretary position rotated. We limited the number of families in our co-op and other co-ops sprang out of it. Total win-win situation.
Also if at all possible (some insurance plans are too directive for total choice) have a pediatrician you relate well with…my daughter’s pediatrician was there for me mostly during her first year. Calmed me down when I wigged out, told me what a great job I was doing. He took care of me so I could take care of her. Another win-win situation.
Wow, it really takes me back reading the posts of all of you new mothers. Keep talking to each other…nothing better than that…and find the new moms locally to share your thoughts, worries, good times. Parenthood is a wild ride! Fun for sure…but wild all the same!
And not to belabor the point fessie , but do go to your doc and discuss PPD. There is so much help out there if you are going through PPD these days. Don’t miss out on the joy that is rightfully yours.
I love the babysitting league idea! I don’t have anyone around here to leave my kids with for even just a couple of hours. My FIL has Alzheimer’s at 56 so my MIL has her hands full with him and not a lot of opportunity to spend time with the grandkids.
I joined a mommy group but did not fit in with them so I left. Don’t let them gang up on you. Sometimes I think they are like sharks. They smell fresh mommy blood so they can gang up and project their insecurities on the new mom until she’s a neurotic mess.
I’ve discovered too that if you can’t laugh - you will go insane. We call any day when you get the 3Ps - poop, pee, and puke - then you’ve won the trifecta.
I am a Daddy of a two year old, not a mommy. However, I took care of our daughter a lot her first year because my wife travels for a week or more at a time many times a year. I thought I was going to snap and finally did and ended up in the hospital. After she turned one and started walking, things got much easier. Now that she is over two years old, I love playing with her and could spend all of my time with her without any hesitation. Taking care of infants and young toddlers can be a very traumatic experience but it will get better.
I want another child but I am really frightened about going through another first year again. We will still do it but I am not even sure the experience that I have gained is going to make it much easier.
fessie, Chicagoland’s a big place. I’m in Evanston - the south end. I’m currently watching a two month old boy for four hours a day. If you want to meet (public place, of course, at least at first) with the babies and I’m close to you, or if you need a phone chat, let me know. (And that goes for any other overwhelmed new parents near me. Please don’t think you’re alone!)
Feh. Here’s the antidote to the calendar: Baby’s First Tattoo. You need this book. And Overstock.com has it in stock for less than $9. NB: if you had a c-section, make sure it’s been at least 6 months – otherwise you might pop an insufficiently healed incision from laughing.
Actually, the mommy groups are full of women who are afraid the other mommies will be swapping recipes and whipping out their glue guns to do craft projects . . . etc. In other words, they’re mostly people with the same kinds of anxieties and challenges you have. Oh, sure, there’s almost always one übermutter who’s insanely competitive about everything and tries to out-mommy everyone else, but one of the best things about having kids is that it helps you keep all that crap in perspective (except when it occasionally makes you crazy), and makes you a lot more tolerant and accepting of other people, particularly if they’re other parents who, like you, are just trying to hang on and do the best they can.
Didn’t realize you’d met my wife .
Yep, it is. But think about it – how much energy do you have to invest in telling other people what to do and how to do it right now? Most of the other mothers are going to be in the same boat. They’re just going to appreciate knowing that someone else is dealing with the same stuff, and that it’s all survivable, even if everyone deals with it and survives in a different way.
Thanks, WhyNot - we live near Schaumburg (although we marched with DPOE on July 4th!). I think we should start a SDMB Parents Group! I’d much rather get together with Dopers than just any JoesephineBlow! Not sure how to go about doing that, I haven’t been a part of any Dopefests. Maybe an online version, too, since we’re flung far & near?
ivylass, Hubby’s in the picture. We’ve actually been married for 16 years, which is a good thing given the stress these changes have generated. Truthfully I think he’s having more trouble with it than I am right now, in part because of career problems, and also because he has fewer resources in terms of friends/family/online community. When he gets home from work he spends 2-3 hours with me and the twins, doing all the typical tasks, and then helps me put them to bed. It’s got to be tough feeling all the pressure to provide for the family, having a distracted wife, and spending most of his free time with the kids.
I didn’t mention it in my previous replies, but I wanted to state that I do hear everyone telling me to take PPD seriously, and I will make some calls and see what kinds of care I can find (as well as getting that book rackensack recommended).
I’m the father of a 12 month old (ToddlerVor, now). I can’t imagine having twins.
The only advice I can offer that hasn’t already been explicitly stated is that the world looks better when you have enough sleep. Seriously. The wife finally started regaining proper perspective only when she started sleeping whenever she could.
Our typical schedule consisted of me getting up with the kid at 5 am and watching the Wiggles or whatever else was on Disney and cuddling/playing unil he started screaming for breakfast. I’d then give him to her for a feeding while I showered and got ready for work. She then got to choose between a shower or an extra half hour of sleep.
When I got home, I got the kid. She got two hours to do with as she pleased, take a bath, clean a bit, cook a little, whatever. I always spent at least a half hour of that time out of the house, taking the baby and the dog for a walk around the neighborhood. We ate a lot of take-out and 10-minute frozen meals from Trader Joes. Those two hours kept her sane. Around 7 I’d give the kid a bath and then hand him to mom, and the two of them fell asleep.
I’d then eat and do whatever bare minimum housework was necessary (we eventually hired a cleaning lady to vacum, mop, and clean the bathrooms once a week), and I usually had an hour to myself before I crashed. That hour or so kept me sane.
One day on the weekend, I’d give him a bottle (freshly pumped) for breakfast and let her sleep until after his morning nap. The other day, she’d let me sleep as long as I wanted.
Eventually, she caught up on her sleep. Then she could come back down after putting the baby to sleep and spend a little time alone with me. It all works out in the end.
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