How do I tell if I have PPD, or if I'm just bummed about my life?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

So, the title says it all. I’m bummed. REALLY bummed. And I do have a baby so I guess PPD is a possibility.

However, I don’t really have the symptoms as per any of the checklists.

More importantly, my dad is dying. As in, soon. It’s a miracle he made it through Christmas and the New Year. He weighs about 80 pounds, maybe. He is not long of this world. I am assisting my mother provide hospice care to him. I spent my birthday running between caring for him and caring for my baby so my mother could get out of the house. Mom want’s me there all day, everyday - I actually caught a bit of a cold and I was secretly relieved because it meant I could take a break this week.

Now, I get that she has the worse end of this deal, and I want to help out and I want to spend time with my dad. It’s somewhat miserable because he and I have always had an excellent relationship and would talk for hours and hours and now he mostly sleeps all the time. I also really can’t get on board with wiping his butt. I can help him pee, but when I’m alone there I dread him needing to poo 'cus I just really don’t think I can handle it. My mom keeps saying - 'Meh - it’s no big deal." and I think if it was for my husband it wouldn’t be, but with my dad - yah, not so much.

My husband is trying to be supportive - I mean he’s REALLY trying - he’s just not doing a great job. He never gets up with the baby which is fine overnight, but once and a while on the weekend it would be nice to be able to sleep in past 7:00 AM. Now, I get that he has to get up early for work all week long, and he needs a day to sleep in on the weekend - I guess I just think it would be nice if I got a turn every once and a while.

His mother is being a passive-aggressive MIL from hell. For my birthday she bought me a sweater from a discount bin somewhere, which honestly would have been fine, but she bought it in an extra small. I haven’t worn an extra small top since I was in about grade 8. I’m currently breast feeding - I have HUGE boobs. I’m also 5’8". There’s no part of me that’s extra small. Ok, so no worries, maybe she was being complimentary. :rolleyes: So I try on the sweater which is obviously WAAAAY too small and as if perhaps I could exchange it for a different size? Nope, bought at some deep discount place and it was the last one left. Look, if you’re going to get me a deep discount sweater, fine, but you could at least attempt to get one in my size.

So I give the sweater to my mom (who is 5 feet tall and weighs 105 - it fits her perfectly, slightly tight in the hips :rolleyes::rolleyes:). Hubby says I have to be sure not to tell his mother because then her feelings will be hurt. So, I MAAAAAY have lost my shit all over him and told him that I didn’t give a fuck about her feelings and I’m now supposed to be the number one woman in his life and he better starting giving a toss about my feelings or he could move in with her. So, uh, yah, he’s been a bit more understanding and I actually got to sleep in last Sunday.

Now, because of all this previous stuff, I have gotten no help, whatsoever with anything with the baby. When I was in hospital his mom came over to help him clean up but since I’ve been home she hasn’t offered to do shit. Well that’s not fair. She’ll offer to help ‘Just ask for anything!’ So I’ll say 'Could you watch the dog for an hour while I take the baby to the Children’s Hospital?" - Answer: No. Humm, ok how about “Instead of spending $70 on a special chair for Junior to sit in that he’ll grow out of in 3 weeks, could you spend $60 on a swing so he can nap at your house when we visit so I could be able to set him down or eat a meal?” (Junior will only nap in a swing - he sleeps fine in his crib at night - during the day it’s a swing or nothing.) Answer: No. In fact, she actually said ‘You know, when I had Mr. Wonderland I lived waaaay up in the Yukon all by myself so I got no help at all.’ like where do I get off expecting/wanting/needing help. FWIW, she also yells at the baby and says she’s going to smack him if he doesn’t stop crying. He’s 4 months old. NO, she does not get to babysit.

Obviously, mom can’t help me - dad wound up going into hospital the day after Junior was born, so no help there. My SIL has been awesome and made me a couple of covered dishes when he was small but she works full time so fair enough. My BIL was unemployed for the longest time and my husband asked him about 20 times if he could come and take the dog for a walk just after I got out of the hospital 'cus I wasn’t up for it (I had a section). He said he would and then never showed up. Well, he showed up once, took the dog out and that was it. Good thing dogs only have to pee and poo once a month. :rolleyes:

Thing is, I could go on and on with this shit. 2010 was a shitty year all round. Yes, yes, yes, I have a nice baby. He’s lovely and fantastic and the cutest one ever. Shame on me for complaining about my life and feeling bummed. But my dad is still dying, my husband is still clueless, my MIL is still a cow and I’m still getting no help, whatsoever with anything.

So, do I have PPD? I really don’t know - I don’t think so because I don’t think I’m sad, really. I mean, I’m very sad about my dad, but over all I’m not sad - I’m just really, really pissed off. I enjoy my baby very much - he and I have a great time together. I have activities I enjoy doing and I’m as keen as ever to do them. I DON’T feel like cleaning the house. I DON’T feel like visiting my in-laws. And I get a bit testy when my husband gets home from work and expects me to make dinner while he passes out on the sofa.

So Dopers - what do you think it is? PPD? Or just raging pissed-off-ituded?

2

I think I would be more worried about your mental state if you weren’t upset and pissed off, given your current circumstances.

Can you get your husband to read this post? It sounds like either he hasn’t really taken on board how hard things are for you right now, or that if he has, he doesn’t know what to do to help. The more you can spell out the things that you’re struggling with and the things he can do that will actually help, the better. If at all practical, could he take care of the baby single-handed for a day or two? That way you could get some much-needed rest, and he might get a better idea of how hard you’re working.

3

Sending supportive thoughts your way. I doubt you have PPD but you sure have a lot of shit on your plate.

Take care…

4

What rekkah said. I think you’re entitled to be sad and pissed.

5

Could you figure out a couple of smaller things that would take some of the stress off of you - things like help to clean the house while you get a nap, or a couple of meals in the freezer, or even a babysitter for an afternoon so you could do something for yourself, and just get those, to start with?
Also, if you’re breastfeeding, you being overstressed is a matter of health for you AND the baby. Tell your husband that, in serious terms. This is not something you want to mess with. You’ve been supplying total nutrition for another human being, while recovering from major surgery. Tell him you need some support. (By the way, how is your own nutrition? That might have something to do with it, too. That baby is taking his share, you know.)
You won’t be able to help anyone if you don’t take care of yourself. Make that a priority.
Other than that, as if it will help, I’m sending good thoughts.
Would your SIL be willing to do a few more meals, maybe just by doubling what she does for herself?

6

As someone who had PPD pretty severely, I don’t think it sounds like you technically have it. To me it sounds like you’re just stressed, pissed off (and rightfully so!), and probably a bit sleep deprived. No one could go through just what you’ve described about your Dad without being extremely stressed out, let alone dealing with a new baby (yes, he’s still new) and a MIL from hell and a clueless husband.

How much time has your husband spent alone with the baby? Maybe he’s afraid to take over (I had that issue with my own hubby). Do you think he’d be up for a sit-down discussion about it? Maybe you guys could formally map out a schedule for who has baby-duty when. Alternate nights getting up with him, etc.

I’ll tell you what I had to do with my husband…he would try to help, but when the baby was still crying after five minutes or so he’d come to me for help. I finally figured out that he needed to be thrown into the deep end the way I had been–nobody’s born knowing this stuff, you just have to learn it as you go, but he was never going to do that as long as I was there to bail him out. So I went away for a weekend. I wrote out extensive notes, left lots of clean outfits, etc., and he had my phone number, but basically he was on his own for two days. And it helped…he figured out that he *could *do it, if he would only try.

Hopefully you won’t have to do that! But just ask him–be frank and honest, but as non-confrontational as you can be. Tell him you need help, and be specific about what you need him to do.

About the MIL…girl, I don’t know. If you figure it out, let me know because I deal with the same stuff with mine. She scoffs anytime I complain of being tired. She insisted taking my two kids (ages newborn & two at the time) on the plane to New York would be “no big deal.” (Yeah, for you maybe!) The latest is that she chided me because I won’t force my three-year-old to use the potty. Nothing you can do but try to blow it off, because we’ll never change them, will we? Beside, if anyone’s going to get her to help more, it’s gonna have to be your husband, and that won’t happen until you have the talk with him like I said above.

Any chance you could get a mother’s-helper to come in sometimes? A full-day, a half-day, whatever you can afford? Just so you can have some “me” time sometimes…take a long hot bath, take a nap, paint your nails, read a book, whatever? You need to take care of yourself before you can take care of anybody else. At least until things with your Dad are resolved. If you can’t afford it, you might reach out to a neighborhood church (or something like that). I’m an atheist, so when I was having my PPD I didn’t think that was an option for me. But my sister hooked me up with a woman who did it for free, as part of her ministry.

Hang in there. Things will get better soon…your son will start sleeping more, and hopefully your husband will chip in once he understands how bad it is. Good luck to you!

7

Thanks for the nice thoughts everyone - even just venting my spleen a little has made me feel a bit better about things.

I have a lovely list of things that would help as you’ve described. Sadly, there is no one to do them for me. Well, no. My MIL could do them for me but chooses not to. So, basically I have no one to help me. Believe me, I’ve asked many, many times for help. You know they say - ‘New baby? Ask for help!’ And I’ve asked and asked and asked and everything I’ve asked for the answer is ‘No.’ and in the next breath ‘Be sure to let us know if you need any help with anything!’ Why - so you can turn me down? Go fuck yourself.

I’m sure she would, but to be fair to her she’s actually providing meals for my mother already - trust me, mom has it worse than I do.

Thats the thing that pisses me off the most - those that are willing to help already have too much stuff on their plates - Mom and Dad wanted to pay to have house cleaners come in. I said no because a) they have their own bills to pay and if they’re going to spring for cleaners they should pay for their own house and b) I would feel stupid.

8

See, here’s the thing - hubby is actually quite good with Junior. He has watched him a couple of times for an afternoon so I could go shopping or go to a fashion show. He really is trying. Everything in my OP I have said to him and he supports me 100% in the drama between his mother and I - he is also mystified as to why she’s acting like she is. Problem is, I have to spell everything out for him - I wish he would just get it and step up to the plate without me needing to ask sometimes. He has also tried the ‘Your father’s illness is stressful for ALL of us.’ (meaning his mother) I told him that when he had to wipe his dying dad’s ass, we could talk about stressful and he shut up.

He’s asked his mom for help as well - Answer: no. Well, no if it’s anything that might directly or indirectly help me. She’ll do stuff to help him.

This would be lovely, but while my dad is sick it’s a no-go. A respite care giver does come to the house for 2 hours each week and my mother and I spend that time going shopping, usually. Really though, during the day I care for my dad and baby. At night I care for my baby. I also make meals for my husband, bake cookies for his lunch, clean the house and do laundry in the 2 or 3 hours I have before bed when I get home from my parent’s house.

This, sadly, is one of those situations that doesn’t have very many good solutions. Replacing my MIL with a Fem-Bot is probably not realistic.

9

This is just a tough situation. These first 6-12 months when the baby depends on YOU for everything are so exhausting; most women I know hardly make it through without serious friction with their husbands, who seem to miraculously become clueless, totally self-indulgent sacks of crap overnight. Don’t underestimate how much exhaustion contributes to the general emotional edginess you’re feeling right now. Not to mention, for god’s sake, the grief you must be feeling.

As far as you can, I say screw the cleaning and the cooking. Find something like Trader Joes or Costco and buy the best quality frozen meals you can afford; supplement with easy no-prep things like fruit, bread, and cheese, and have your husband pick up takeout on his way home a couple of times a week. Do enough laundry to get by, enough cleaning so things don’t get septic, and try to get as much sleep as you can. The baby will start sleeping longer and longer; once I was regularly able to sleep more than 4-5 hours at a stretch it made a HUGE difference. And come here to vent, until you’re rested enough that your MIL becomes hilarious again instead of soul-crushing.

Finally, I know it sounds like just one more thing you have to worry about, but if you can find another new mom in the neighborhood or in a local group that you connect with pretty easily, spend as much time with her as you can.

10

I live in the same city as you, and if I can be a mini concierge for you here and there, send me a message.
Seriously!

11

What would your husband say if you told him, “I’m exhausted. I really, really need a full night’s sleep. You’re on baby duty tonight, okay?” (And then take a couple of Tylenol PM and insert earplugs!)

There is NO reason you need to be doing night-duty every single night, unless, I guess, you’re breast-feeding. But even then, you could pump extra and set aside a bottle of breast-milk for your husband to use. I doubt Junior would get nipple confusion at this age.

Lack of sleep makes everything, *everything * more difficult. You need your REM sleep, and that means hours without interruption.

And as for making his meals, cleaning the house, etc. (baking him cookies!?)…stop doing that! If your husband can’t cook, he can eat McDonalds or frozen meals until the crisis with your Dad is over. Nobody’s going to die if the house isn’t perfectly tidy. I guess you have to do laundry, but I see no reason to fold it and put it away—he can dig through piles of clean stuff if he’s not willing to help out with that part of it.

Just cut corners anywhere you can. Give yourself a break, you know?

12

Heh - I wish! I am exclusively breast feeding and Junior won’t take a bottle from anyone. Well, he’ll take a few sips and then scream his face off. Oddly, he won’t take a soother either - just not his MO I’m afraid. To be fair, I do usually get at least 3 hours in a row at least once a night. He has a cold right now so he’s getting up more but usually he will sleep for 3 or 4 hours in a row.

I am trying to cut corners as you’ve suggested - the problem is a messy house grosses me out. Not having clean underwear makes me grumpy, etc. Hubby is really getting the gears here (somewhat fairly), but he does work a very physical job and works long hours. He’s very tired when he gets home so I try to be kind of nice to him. He’s really not the villain here - he IS trying.

It’s just a gross situation. A whole combination of things happening that are stressful on their own and gross when taken all together.

I know I sound like someone else who asks for advice and then doesn’t take it but to be fair I’m not asking for advice, per se. I know what needs to happen - it just…can’t really.

In a week or two I may contact some of my girl friends and see if they want to go shopping. That always perks me up and I do have a couple of gift cards from Christmas.

13

I understand, I really do. I kind of faced the same situation when I was going through PPD and my family was asking why wasn’t hubby doing more–he was trying, he really was.

I guess you’re just in a sucky situation right now. Soldier through as best you can…things will get better, I promise!

14

There’s depression, and there’s situational depression. It sounds like you have the situational kind, that requires a change in your situation to fix (or you’re just pissed off because everything sucks right now). On the plus side, those changes will come eventually regardless of what you do.

You’re not trying to be a perfectionist by any chance, are you?

15

GAH. I cannot fathom how you are doing this. At four months I felt like I was just barely holding things together, and I didn’t have a c-section, had two supportive families (who admittedly both live far away), and had a baby who napped well. You deserve SERIOUS kudos for what you’re doing. Wow.

Do you or your husband have any friends who could bring you takeout once a week or something? Could your SIL (or friends) perhaps come and play with the baby for a couple of hours on the weekend? (I know she is already doing a lot, but this is the sort of thing I would love to do with a friend who needed it, but would be hesitant to suggest myself.)

…Would it be so terrible to take your mom and dad up on their offer to pay for house cleaners to come in, maybe just once or twice, just to take some of the worst pressure off? It’s not going to help your parents if you collapse from trying to do all this. I expect they’d much rather have you around and sane, even with bills to pay. When your dad is gone your mom will have plenty of time to clean her own house (I apologize if that’s blunt, but there it is), and perhaps she doesn’t get as grossed out by a dirty house as you do anyway.

Also, could you call your MIL on her crap? Like when she offers to “help,” say, “Well, you said you couldn’t watch the dog, and you said you couldn’t get a swing, so, no, there’s really nothing I could possibly ask you for. And besides, it would be such a huge imposition to ask you to do anything when you didn’t have the benefit of help when you had Mr. Wonderland and I know the fact that my dad is dying and I’m upset about this is so stressful for you, I mean, because having to hear about it from your son is so much more stressful than having to wipe my dad’s butt, which is what I have to do, perhaps we should switch places and maybe that would be less stressful for you,” and so on. On second thought, I suppose that is unlikely to help relations with your MIL. On third thought, at least perhaps it would be amusing.

16

No - I’m just trying to not be revolting. I mean, a day’s worth of dishes in the sink I can handle. A week - not so much.

17

No you need to totally do this. She needs a good old fashioned falcon punch.

18

Ugh - lets not get started on the friend front. Suffice it to say that everyone has their own drama happening and there haven’t exactly been offers pouring in for assistance. My brother and his wife have my niece and nephew which keeps them pretty busy (niece 11, nephew 7) - both of them are doing a crap load of activities that they need to be driven too. They both also help my mom on the weekend with dad which does give me a break from that. Sadly, there’s no extra help for with Junior.

Heh - no, saying those things would not help. I would enjoy it, but it wouldn’t help. :slight_smile: I think my husband has been keeping me away from her because he knows that I’m thisclose to losing my shit with her.

Anyway - thank you for the warm thoughts - it is nice to hear from people who’ve been there(ish). I wish I could do some of these suggestions ('cus they’re awesome) - sadly, most of them are just not doable at this point.

19

Great heavens, what a storm you’re having to endure right now, and on all possible fronts. It sounds like your most urgent challenges right now are self-limiting, and the less urgent are long-term but something you can deal with readily when your resources aren’t taxed to the limits. Your baby will grow, start to get his nutrition from other sources, and sleep longer. This will happen in a matter of months. Your Dad – I’m so sorry, alice-in-wonderland. I can’t think this will go on very much longer.

Everything else – paah. Toxic MIL? She’ll recede into exasperation territory when you no longer need her help, which she is inexplicitly refusing now. Drama llama friends? You can enjoy them for what their friendship offers when you aren’t being torn to bits trying to keep up with all the exhausting things you have to deal with now. Messy house? When you’re getting more sleep and are less overextended, you’ll be able to take care of it easily.

As long as you’re spending your strength only on the critical items on your mental to-do list, taking care of yourself and your family as well as you are able, and keeping your expectations of yourself realistic, I think the only possible advice I can give you is:

Remember, this too shall pass.

You’ll get through this; you will. Just hang in there and endure, and you will get through this all.

Just in case you need one, here’s an extra hug for you for dealing with way more than your fair share of übercrap, and dealing with it so well: ((alice_in_wonderland))

20

Sending supportive thoughts, vibes, and mojo your way!