If you don’t need money at the moment but you do need purpose and to feel connected, I’ll second the suggestion of volunteerism. What do you like to do? You can almost certainly find something up your alley. We rely on a huge number of volunteers where I work and i’m always looking to recruit more - say, you don’t happen to live anywhere near Des Moines and have an interest in history, do you?
Will you PM me? I’m so like you it’s not even funny and I would love to have someone to talk to about this kind of situation. I tried to PM you and the machine is telling me I have to set my preferences and I’ve tried but I’m at a loss and I don’t want to let this opportunity slip away…
Which is why I said it’s part of what life is all about. I have a very happy life with tons of purpose and meaningful change, but I’m cynical about things, too. And I long for things that I can’t have, too. I doubt I’m alone or even in the minority.
Missed the edit time.
I guess I have to be registered (does that mean a paying customer?) to be able to PM. Beware…my email address is in my profile. Please, feel free.
The fact is, while “go out and do it” seems cruel, it’s honestly the only advice people can give you. They might dress it up a bit, say it longer - but frankly, that’s what it is. The thing is, nobody’s saying that’s easy, just that it’s the only thing anybody can tell you that’s of any use. People who say it aren’t being cruel, they’re being succint.
Well, my father always wanted to teach high school kids. He spent the first 8 years of his adult life in the Coast Guard, the next 25 as a policeman, another decade managing various enterprises. Finally, at age 60, he earned his bachelor’s degree in English, got a job teaching English to inmates at Colorado’s largest prison, then retired (sorry, mandatory!) at age 72. Now he’s a substitute high school teacher, works three days a week and last year was recognized as Sub of the Year in the local school district. Nope, I’d say the Causabon’s creator had it about right.
Beware of Doug…re: not being a hit with the ladies…Is it possible that you’re approaching them the wrong way? A lot of guys seem to think that the way romantic realtionships start is completely different from the way just realtionships start.
Just approach women as friends, and then let the realtionship really develop.
I remember the first guy I dated (in college) thought that he was attracted to me after only TWO WEEKS of knowing me!?!?!
That’s better then the cop dude in NYC who wanted to be my boyfriend after just chatting me up for a few seconds…but still…and he still thinks that there’s something different abt romantic realtionships…arughhhhh… I feel for you.
I’m only 29, but still haven’t had too much dating experiance (maybe it’s b/c I’ve been mainstreamed to the max from a very snotty prejudicated town) Was better in college…but its so frustrating post college (miss everyone although AIM and e-mail are awesome)
Do you have any awesome ideas of what you would love to do with your life?
Could you start a company or a business?
Is there any way you could somehow get a head to toe evalution?
Things that don’t respond to treatment usually indicates an unusual cause.
Maybe if you had a head to toe evalution, they could do something like put you on meds or something like that.
What? 
Believe me, I’m about as far from a social conservative or a “hardass” as they come, but I firmly believe that there ain’t nothin’ to it but to do it. I’ve struggled with depression and feelings of hopelessness/helplessness my whole life, and instead of giving me money my parents beat me, but I push on. You say you’ve been told to “get on with it” so many times that it’s worthless, but have you ever actually tried doing it?
I tried to quit smoking for almost a decade with patches, gums, pills, lozenges, and every other gimmick under the sun. None of it made a bit of difference. What finally got me to quit was Allan Carr’s book which basically, when you get down to it, says: just quit. Worked like a charm.
Put your mind to what you want to do, and do it. Obstacles be damned.
And really… grow a pair. The advice you need most is often what you want to hear least. Did you write your OP in earnest, or were you seeking a pity party?
I don’t think that the need for money is the only defining motivation which leads to adulthood. In fact, I think the true defining motivation is altruism.
The best advice I see here is to volunteer. have you ever taken on any charity work? I mean actual hands-on, teaching homeless kids to read, or serving meals at a soup kitchen?
The key to happiness IMHO is to find someone who is worse off than you are, and help them. And not by writing a check.
Take a look around at the world, and ask yourself, what would I most like to change about this? Then accept with humility the fact that you probably can’t eradicate the problem entirely, but that you can improve the situation as it touches your little corner of the world. Now find a way to use your hands, your brain, and your time to effect the change you’d like to make.
Its never to late to start being the PERSON you want to be…note that you start being the person you want to be - I disagree that you can ever BE the person you want to be (or if you are the person you want to be, you are settling - i.e. its ok to recognize that we aren’t perfect and be content, but we should strive to be a better person tomorrow than we were today.)
You ARE too old to enter the astronaut program, however. Or carry a gun for the IRS. Or join the FBI as a field agent.
I think if you try tomorrow to be a better person than you were today and just take it one day at a time like that - you’ll have more success than looking back on failures from twenty years ago as part of your “permenent record.” Part of that will be understanding that some days, you won’t be a better person than you were yesterday - but if MOST days you are - and its really incremental - you’ll see progress over time.
A few years back, one of our friends who was a 28 year old bartender or something was like “I need to get my shit together and find a real job.” I’m like “We have real jobs. Do we look all that happy to you?” Just a thought.
I’m curious. How do you feel the “social conservatives/hardasses/trolls” attitude are part of your inability to find purpose or direction in your life?
I’ve been mulling this over. One problem basically is that you are, in fact, mentally and emotionally weak. A lot of people will blow smoke up your ass but I don’t think that’s right. I’m not saying it to be a dick. I’m telling you so that you can identify where you need to get stronger. It’s like if you were a fighter who had a weak jab. Would telling you “oh you’re perfect sweetie” be an effective training technique? So when you are weak in an area, the way you get stronger is by working on that area. Not by avoiding it and letting it atrophy more.
I don’t agree that charity or volunteer work is the answer either. You’re not a vapid Upper East Side trophy wife looking to fill her days of solitude. The way to feel good about yourself is not to do free work for people who are weaker and more pathetic than you.
I think you might be better off getting an actual job. Right now you are a mooch and you know it. Of course you feel worthless, you are basically at the whim of your families charity (another reason volunteer work is idiotic for you). If you were forced to work a job, first of all someone would actually be giving you physical representation of the value you are providing them (IOW your paycheck). If you don’t like your job, it forces you to either work harder or improve yourself so you can find a better one. And even if you hate your job like most of us do, it feels good actually buying stuff with your own money. You can point to it and know that it is yours, through the fruits of your own labor.
That is the reason so many people who come from money are miserable (and believe me, I’ve met plenty). Because they either always know in the back of their mind that they did nothing to earn any of it other than be born or they are too stupid and shallow for anyone to care about anyway.
Mrs Grundy is a character from Thomas Morton’s play Speed the Plough and is considered by English-language authors to be the personification of the tyranny of conventional propriety. (I had to look that up).
When Julia Child turned 40, she said to herself, “I want to learn how to cook.”
Aside from things involving physical strength, it’s never too late to do what you want.
You just have to decide and do it. I achieved my greatest dream that way.
In any case, it sounds like you really don’t want to do anything. If, however, if there is something you really want to do, then do it. You’ll get nowhere complaining about how bad things are – make a decision, then do it.
When people look back they tend to reflect in the positve, and that isn’t bad, but in fact yes, often times it’s just too late.
One thing I’ve learned in life is that most of the time “luck” is nothing more than having the opportunity to overcome one’s bad choices in life.
Often times you have the will, but no one is an island and as you age you can’t do the things you did physically when you were young. Also as you get over 40, you begin to realize time has actual value.
Like if I was 20 and had two front teeth knocked out I’d do everything to save those teeth. But if you’re over 40 and half your teeth are capped or having fillings, the $10,000 you spend to fix those two teeth may be better spent on a downpayment on a car.
The nice thing about youth is you have time. You can fail and start over. When you get older your failure costs. For instance if you’re dating, your attractiveness goes down as you age. It is true whether you want to admit it or not.
Now supposing you’re 40, do you look for a potential mate or do you go back to school with kids half your age, that you’ll never date. If you go to school, you could be losing the chance to get educated. If you get educated you may miss the love of your life.
Whenever someone asks this question the first response is, “You can do anything,” but that is looking through the world with rose colored glasses. It helps you cope but this isn’t an answer.
A lot of frustration comes from the fact, learning to cope doesn’t makes you “feel better” but it doesn’t change anything.
Most of the positive thinking programs I’ve read suffer from the problem that if you’re in a hole realizing helps you to change your behaviour but the fact remains “YOU’RE STILL IN A HOLE!”
I recall when I was a manager at a hotel, I tried to influence my staff and think positve and one day an older lady, Annie, said to me “Mark, I know you’re only trying to help, and I’d rather have you care too much than not at all, but did it ever occur to you maybe Myra doesn’t have anything to be happy about.”
And until then I never thought of it. Too often we dismiss this as “Well she made her bed, let her lie in it.” Again, doesn’t solve the problem, just helps you cope.
The old “When life gives you lemons, makes lemonaid” is fine, if you also get sugar and water, but if life give you ONLY lemons, the result no matter what is gonna leave a sour taste in your mouth."
Mrs. Grundy is also the teacher in Archie comics.
Doug I have long admired your posts, thoughts and writings on this board for…well…since the beginning, strictly speaking, that is a long time. I don’t think I have ever said to myself, " That Doug guy…what a maroon."
Maybe what you are panicking about is the fear of success. Maybe your brain is saying, " I am this close to getting what I need to do in my life to prove myself. And go out there get a job and do what I could do in my sleep. Then I wouldn’t have to rely on anyone else. Oh crap…I’m going to have to do this every day for the rest of my life…like a big boy! "
I have some changes ( big and small) coming in my life fairly soon and personally, I would rather hide under the blankets until REALITY JUST FUCKS THE HELL OFF and SOMEONE DROPS A TRUCKLOAD OF 100’s ON OUR DOORSTEP.
What do you think the chances are of that happening?
I will repeat the call to volunteer. I’ve been volunteer-teaching computer classes for the unemployed, and the feelings in the OP really remind me of a lot of the things those people have been saying to me. In my case, the old cliche really is true: I’ve gotten a lot more from volunteering than I’ve given.
Feeling like you don’t have a purpose, or a reason to get up, or anyone who will miss you if you don’t is horribly depressing and can sap your will to do anything. Especially if you have a financial safety net. Volunteering is way to provide immediate, often critical help to people who really need it - meaning every time you do it, you are making a real, honest to God contribution. This can provide you with positive reinforcement to battle depression and feelings of worthlessness.
In other words: think of a way in which you would like the world to be better, then make yourself the face of that change.
Volunteering is also nice in that it can be “training wheels” for someone who is struggling with depression and to adjust to being on a schedule. Commit 2-3 hours a week somewhere. That’s not so much as to be overwhelming, but enough that you benefit both yourself and the organization.
And it may grow into something in the future. If you really want to work (why you would I don’t know, but to each his own), having that track record can help you develop the skills necessary to work in the field that attracts you.
It’s not too late.
That character was based off of the character from the play. (again…according to the article I had to look up).
Is she happy about having a job and working for someone who actually gives a shit whether his team is happy?
Just because you can’t do everything you ever wanted shouldn’t be an excuse for doing nothing. Maybe you go back to school at 40 and you do meet someone in class. Maybe another older student or a professor or maybe a 20 year old because it turns out you are that awesome. Or maybe you find your passion for a particular subject and that eventually leads you to some fulfilling career and you meet the love of your life when she overhears your conversation at a happy hour with coworkers you actually like. And you’re going to be 45 some day whether you go to school or not. The only question is do you want to be 45 with a degree or just 45?
IOW Chances are the love of your life isn’t in your appartment or sufing Match.com waiting for some uneducated 40 year old guy with fucked up teeth driving around in a $10,000 car to ping her.
Bingo, we have found the problem. Yes. Being an adult does mean learning to take shit. People take shit every day. That’s why its called “work” not “therapy”. The fact that you even asked that question shows how spoiled you really are.
In your free time away from your search for validation, read some of the other threads here. There are people on this site who are dying and fighting for life. You are, for the most part, healthy and refuse to do the same. I’m not going to coddle you or validate your feelings. I assume your parents worked hard most of their lives to build a life. Now they deserve to be free to enjoy their lives free of fully grown children.
Doug, have you ever read the Russian novel “Oblomov”? It celebrates an existance such as yours as the only one befitting a gentleman.