Is it really "never too late to be what you might have been"?

[Linty_Fresh]

BTW, since you brought the subject of dating up, if I could offer you some friendly advice . . .

You might want to put dating off a little while until you get your own life a little more in control. I know, I know, you feel empty, and life is passing you by, and a girlfriend or a steady dating schedule would just speed things right along and solve your problems of lonliness.

No it won’t. A good girlfriend is something you get after you square yourself away, at least partially. If you’re lonely and aching and at loose ends now, a girl isn’t going to solve that for you; chances are, she’ll just wind up making it worse, unless you’re amazingly lucky. Just trust me on that. I’m married to the best woman in the world, and she’s wonderful, cute, smart, understanding, and practical, but I didn’t find and get her until I got myself in shape, proved that I was reliable and at least halfway sane, and generally just went through life. Then I got her.

Or, as I’ve said here before: Don’t worry about finding the right girl. Square yourself and your money situation away, work hard, and have fun. If you do all that right, sooner or later, the right girl is going to find you.

And remember that once you get out there and start living among the rest of us, pretty much everyone is going to be as confused and freaked out as you. We just hide it better.

[Mississippienne]

Oh, good grief. Grow up. Grow a pair. Stop whining.

[Beware_of_Doug]

Poor troll. Want to try again?

[Beware_of_Doug]

@turner

Yes. Being an adult does mean learning to take shit. People take shit every day. That’s why its called “work” not “therapy”. The fact that you even asked that question shows how spoiled you really are.

I don’t need you trying to make me resigned to my pain or make my bad attitude worse. I’ve spent the better part of two decades living with attitudes like yours. It was a total waste and made me a fucking mess.

I know you are ex-military and spent many years exercising traditional manly nut-cutting leadership. I have too little self-respect to have any use for that now, and I certainly am not going to stick around for it when I get more. You guys have lost me for keeps.

You and I live in very different worlds. There are probably a lot more “spoiled” people in your world. People who are really only setting healthy boundaries, or learning to be good to themselves, or some such language you and your dear ones would likely understand only as psychobabble.

And the word “coddling” is always, always, a loaded word. It’s what hardass people use when they see others being understanding, because it makes them feel sick to their stomachs. Don’t use it again when replying to me.

[Koxinga]

@Beware_of_Doug

I know you are ex-military and spent many years exercising traditional manly nut-cutting leadership. I have too little self-respect to have any use for that now, and I certainly am not going to stick around for it when I get more. You guys have lost me for keeps.

You and I live in very different worlds. There are probably a lot more “spoiled” people in your world. People who are really only setting healthy boundaries, or learning to be good to themselves, or some such language you and your dear ones would likely understand only as psychobabble.

And the word “coddling” is always, always, a loaded word. It’s what hardass people use when they see others being understanding, because it makes them feel sick to their stomachs. Don’t use it again when replying to me.

Dude, it’s really hard to figure out what you’re on about, except self-pity – that’s coming through loud and clear. I’m not sure who the “guys” are who have “lost [you] for keeps”, unless you mean perhaps simply the ranks of adults.

I’m not ex-military, have no experience with “nut-cutting” leadership, whatever that is, but as a person who has some responsibility for supporting others in my life, I know I couldn’t look myself in the mirror while holding such an attitude as yours.

As such I vehemently concur with turner: “Being an adult does mean learning to take shit. People take shit every day.” If I suddenly decide I don’t want to subject my precious self to the shit that I do take encounter daily, what am I gonna do? Go home and tell my child that daddy quit his job just 'cause he felt like it, and now she’s not going to eat?

[Quartz]

You can do it!

[Beware_of_Doug]

@msmith537

How do you feel the “social conservatives/hardasses/trolls” attitude are part of your inability to find purpose or direction in your life?

Zero-sum, one-size-fits-all, by-the-numbers thinking. Rigid, inflexible Truths by which everyone must stand or fall. Said attitudes make me angry at the whole goddamn world, including myself. They’re the hallmark of people who mistrust caring, sneer at sensitivity, and think any pain without a physical cause is a lame excuse.

I have trouble really hating people, but people’s worldviews are fair game. So that said…These people won’t discuss anything with you that is not nut-cutting practical to them. When you need to understand, or be understood, they want you out of their face. They insist on simple, snap-out-of-it “solutions,” and if that is not enough, they sneer about your lack of “character” and cut you adrift. People, as individuals, mean less than nothing to these folks. We are put on this earth to fill roles and produce surplus value, and anything else is a distraction and a corruption.

This is the worldview I hate. I assume the people that hold it are just people, no better or worse than the rest of us, and products of society (or a segment of it very alien to my own).

I’ve been mulling this over. One problem basically is that you are, in fact, mentally and emotionally weak.

I feel emotional weakness, yes. I feel not so much mentally weak as mentally crippled - hopefully only temporarily.

But I am not going where I think you’re going when you say that. You’re awfully quick and sure in saying it, for one thing. That tells me you’re probably a little hung up on weakness. It irks you. It’s a choice to you. I’m putting a thumb in your eye. No? It looks like you may be a hardass.

Another thing is that you don’t say “you feel weak.” You say “you are weak.” As if it’s not a phase or a temporary incapacity, but part of me. Part of me I made.

Like I really need to believe that. Hang me out to dry even more than I do myself - that’s the ticket.

A lot of people will blow smoke up your ass but I don’t think that’s right. I’m not saying it to be a dick.

But you may very well be saying this to make me mistrust advice that is less than harsh.

Bingo. You ARE a hardass.

I’m telling you so that you can identify where you need to get stronger. It’s like if you were a fighter who had a weak jab. Would telling you “oh you’re perfect sweetie” be an effective training technique?

This is blatantly black-and-white thinking. All or nothing, 100% manly hardass fighter or 100% feminized sweetie mushball. (Nice gendering work, BTW. Very subtle.)

So when you are weak in an area, the way you get stronger is by working on that area. Not by avoiding it and letting it atrophy more.

Here you’re stating common sense. But you’re quick and curt about it - again, the black/white, nut-cutting approach. No real problem-solving, because that would mean admitting a real problem and coddling weakness.

I don’t think you mean working on my depression, for example. More like forcing myself to fill a role or act out a life script despite depression, thinking it’s namby pamby kid stuff and will go away as soon as I get come cold water dumped on me or get my ass bleeding a little more profusely.

I sometimes think I would rather go off the reservation completely and fuck up my life but good rather than listen to hardass thinking where the solution to everything is to break a person down and rebuild him according to dumb-simple rules.

I am not your dog, world. I am, at worst, your cat, and at best, my own human being.

[Beware_of_Doug]

@Koxinga

Dude, it’s really hard to figure out what you’re on about, except self-pity – that’s coming through loud and clear.

You hear no anger? No frustration? Good on ya. Means you won’t have to waste your time on hopeless whiners like me, who obviously have nothing to be angry or frustrated about and are clearly doing this just to be attention whores. Me me me me me me me.

as a person who has some responsibility for supporting others in my life, I know I couldn’t look myself in the mirror while holding such an attitude as yours.

I have, in fact, made up my mind not to take on such responsibilities until I have my own life in some better order than it is today. Just taking care of myself is a handful and then some right now.

As such I vehemently concur with turner: “Being an adult does mean learning to take shit. People take shit every day.” If I suddenly decide I don’t want to subject my precious self to the shit that I do take encounter daily, what am I gonna do? Go home and tell my child that daddy quit his job just 'cause he felt like it, and now she’s not going to eat?

I would never suggest that. But I would hope that you do something to protect your dear ones from the bad attitude at your work. How seriously do you take the shit you take, anyway?

[Beware_of_Doug]

I’m beginning to think that some of you, if you knew someone in my position and found out they had had a full-on fuck-ass nervous breakdown, would think, “Serves him right.”

[Beware_of_Doug]

All right, I do hate some types of people. But not individuals. Just types.

[Marley23]

@Beware_of_Doug

Hmm. Part of me was hoping the social conservatives/hardasses/trolls wouldn’t show up.

@Beware_of_Doug

Poor troll. Want to try again?

Beware of Doug, don’t call other posters trolls in this forum. You might not appreciate their advice or the (sometimes tactless) way in it’s delivered, but don’t insult other posters.

[Fionn]

@Beware_of_Doug

I sometimes think I would rather go off the reservation completely and fuck up my life but good rather than listen to hardass thinking where the solution to everything is to break a person down and rebuild him according to dumb-simple rules.

What exactly do you have left to fuck up more than it is already, short of renouncing your family support and deliberately becoming homeless?

[Koxinga]

@Beware_of_Doug

I have, in fact, made up my mind not to take on such responsibilities until I have my own life in some better order than it is today. Just taking care of myself is a handful and then some right now.

But (IMO and since you asked) part and parcel of getting your life in order will involve your transformation into an adult. And, as I continue to assert, part and parcel of being an adult means accepting the shit that people and life in general throws at you some times.

I would never suggest that. But I would hope that you do something to protect your dear ones from the bad attitude at your work. How seriously do you take the shit you take, anyway?

You really sound like someone who has no idea what he’s talking about, either from the standpoint of raising a family or from the standpoint of holding a steady job.

[msmith537]

@Beware_of_Doug

Zero-sum, one-size-fits-all, by-the-numbers thinking. Rigid, inflexible Truths by which everyone must stand or fall. Said attitudes make me angry at the whole goddamn world, including myself. They’re the hallmark of people who mistrust caring, sneer at sensitivity, and think any pain without a physical cause is a lame excuse.

Well, yes. I am a product of an engineering and business education. A building either stands or it does not. You can either pay the rent or you can not. Your company makes enough money to meet payroll or it does not. In other words, for people who are not being taken care of, these are hard realities they can’t just make disappear with lame excuses or extenuating circumstances.

Quite frankly, to think otherwise is to think with a child’s mind. A child doesn’t care about logic or reason. All they know is “I want NOW!” and will kick and scream until they get what they want. Adults are expected to face reality, even if it is unpleasent.

@Beware_of_Doug

I have trouble really hating people, but people’s worldviews are fair game. So that said…These people won’t discuss anything with you that is not nut-cutting practical to them. When you need to understand, or be understood, they want you out of their face. They insist on simple, snap-out-of-it “solutions,” and if that is not enough, they sneer about your lack of “character” and cut you adrift. People, as individuals, mean less than nothing to these folks. We are put on this earth to fill roles and produce surplus value, and anything else is a distraction and a corruption.

That’s a pretty broad brush you are painting with there. I mean it sounds like that in your 2 years of work experience you basically decided that you don’t like being told what to do by your boss. And because your are in a position where you aren’t required to work to support yourself, you look at it as some sort of unnecessary nuisance task.

@Beware_of_Doug

This is the worldview I hate. I assume the people that hold it are just people, no better or worse than the rest of us, and products of society (or a segment of it very alien to my own).

I feel emotional weakness, yes. I feel not so much mentally weak as mentally crippled - hopefully only temporarily.
But I am not going where I think you’re going when you say that. You’re awfully quick and sure in saying it, for one thing. That tells me you’re probably a little hung up on weakness. It irks you. It’s a choice to you. I’m putting a thumb in your eye. No? It looks like you may be a hardass.

Weakness irks me when it is used as an excuse. Everyone has weaknesses, however not everyone sits on their ass all day using them as an excuse.

@Beware_of_Doug

Another thing is that you don’t say “you feel weak.” You say “you are weak.” As if it’s not a phase or a temporary incapacity, but part of me. Part of me I made.

Like I really need to believe that. Hang me out to dry even more than I do myself - that’s the ticket.

But you may very well be saying this to make me mistrust advice that is less than harsh.

Bingo. You ARE a hardass.

This is blatantly black-and-white thinking. All or nothing, 100% manly hardass fighter or 100% feminized sweetie mushball. (Nice gendering work, BTW. Very subtle.)

Here you’re stating common sense. But you’re quick and curt about it - again, the black/white, nut-cutting approach. No real problem-solving, because that would mean admitting a real problem and coddling weakness.

I don’t think you mean working on my depression, for example. More like forcing myself to fill a role or act out a life script despite depression, thinking it’s namby pamby kid stuff and will go away as soon as I get come cold water dumped on me or get my ass bleeding a little more profusely.

Dude, you’re over 40 years old. It’s a bit more than a “phase” or “temporary incapacity”.

This is what I am hearing. Basically you feel that you can’t or shouldn’t have to compete in the world for what you want along with everyone else. So you deflect it back on “hardasses” as you call them, absolving yourself of any failings.

Have you ever had to fight or bust your ass for something that you wanted? Probably not I’m guessing. So the concept of enduring temporary pain or discomfort in order to achieve a greater reward is probably lost on you.
Not like any of this matters. I believe you came here looking for pity or validation or to wax poetically about opportunity lost, not for any real advice. The real question is now that a number of people have identified potential problems and solutions, what do you plan on doing about it for yourself?

[anu-la1979]

OP, why did you start this thread if you don’t want any advice on how to become the you you wanted to be? The answer to the question in your OP is that if you’re able and at least of average intelligence, all you need is the mental determination. That plenty of people get up out of bed and decide to do it everyday. What do you want us to say to you? I think part of what is making people blunter is that you seem to have a sneering attitude about people who make it work for themselves, like they’re conformist robotrons and you’re above lowering yourself to their level because it would take away from your specialness. So why do you say you look at their world with longing? Why not just live off your parents and continue to sneer at the rest of us proles?

I’ll be honest, I don’t get your mental attitude at all and while I’m not a trust fund baby, I also know I have a major financial cushion in my parents. It hasn’t stopped me from pushing myself-first because I feel an obligation to honour all the hard work my parents did to give us a headstart in life and second because I want to be proud of myself.

[Beware_of_Doug]

You people really have no idea what you are doing to me, and you don’t care.

I am heading for some kind of psychic meltdown here, I need some serious professional care, and you have just about convinced me there is nothing left worth saving.

Honestly, I used to get some joy and some peace out of life, now and then. You’re telling me I didn’t deserve any of it.

Because a guy couldn’t stand working your way for a living - maybe even had the wrong idea about it - maybe even did some great things now and then but couldn’t hack your reality - because of that you have to peck him bloody to protect the flock?

What threat am I to any of you?

You tell me what a sad, pointless fucking shitfight of a world it is out there *and then wonder why I am not out in it with the rest of you? *

You just want to lay me low. You want me in that garbage. You want me to stay there until I call Uncle and tell you you’re right, that yes, you own reality and it’s the only way.

I am lower than a drug dealer or a gangbanger or a child rapist to you because you will not acknowledge what I am going through. I am lower than a common thief because nobody made me work to live. That is what you want me to believe. That is what you want me to be.

Except for a few of you, way upthread, none of you give a damn that there is an individual going through deep pain here. Because you cannot or will not understand where that pain comes from, you call it a pity party. I am way, way past wanting pity. I just want you to understand what you are doing to me.

I am no longer replying to any of your smug “reality” bullshit. If anyone has any words of understanding or consolation, I remain open. The rest of you, go back to your respective rat races and snake pits and stop beating on me.

[Beware_of_Doug]

MrsCake

If you are not among those convinced I’m some kind of dangerous lunatic, I would like to PM you, but there is no way to do so.

[Boyo_Jim]

Whoa, take a step back and take a break.

No one is doing anthing “to” you. In one sense you’re right, we don’t particulary care for you, nor should you for us. This is an anonymous message board, and it is a very poor substitute for familiy and friends in the RW.

[msmith537]

@Beware_of_Doug

You people really have no idea what you are doing to me, and you don’t care.

If no one cared at all, no one would have replied to any of your messages. However please understand that none of us feel any responsibility that we are “doing anything to you” or are we responsible for your actions or mental health.

This is just a message board where people give their advice. Ultimately you choose to accept or reject it.

@Beware_of_Doug

I am heading for some kind of **psychic **meltdown here,

like Akira or something?

@Beware_of_Doug

I need some serious professional care, and you have just about convinced me there is nothing left worth saving.

No argument here about the first part.

But it’s a shame in all these posts no one was able to convice you that there actually is some reward to putting up with some minor pain and suffering in the short term to achieve a more positive long-term goal.

[anu-la1979]

@Beware_of_Doug

You people really have no idea what you are doing to me, and you don’t care.

I am heading for some kind of psychic meltdown here, I need some serious professional care, and you have just about convinced me there is nothing left worth saving.

Honestly, I used to get some joy and some peace out of life, now and then. You’re telling me I didn’t deserve any of it.

Because a guy couldn’t stand working your way for a living - maybe even had the wrong idea about it - maybe even did some great things now and then but couldn’t hack your reality - because of that you have to peck him bloody to protect the flock?

What threat am I to any of you?

You tell me what a sad, pointless fucking shitfight of a world it is out there *and then wonder why I am not out in it with the rest of you? *

You just want to lay me low. You want me in that garbage. You want me to stay there until I call Uncle and tell you you’re right, that yes, you own reality and it’s the only way.

I am lower than a drug dealer or a gangbanger or a child rapist to you because you will not acknowledge what I am going through. I am lower than a common thief because nobody made me work to live. That is what you want me to believe. That is what you want me to be.

Except for a few of you, way upthread, none of you give a damn that there is an individual going through deep pain here. Because you cannot or will not understand where that pain comes from, you call it a pity party. I am way, way past wanting pity. I just want you to understand what you are doing to me.

I am no longer replying to any of your smug “reality” bullshit. If anyone has any words of understanding or consolation, I remain open. The rest of you, go back to your respective rat races and snake pits and stop beating on me.

That’s not true: I think people have given you three really important pieces of advice here

1. Cut yourself off from your parents to see if desperation will force you to get to where you want to be.

2. Get a good therapist/psychiatrist. Possibly one that specializes in behaviour modification.

3. Make peace with the fact that you were born privileged and don’t need to accomplish much and stop caring about the fact that so many people get irritated by that.

I really think you need to take a step back-for all that you say people in this thread have caused you pain you basically insulted turner and mssmith by implying or outright stating that they’re mindless drones and that you’ll have none of their conformity. Yet, you want inside the world of the moderately successful and self-sufficient? Unfortunately, that does involve quite a bit of conformity, at least at first.

I really do wish you nothing but the best but I think the care you’re looking for is outside the scope of this Board.