I apologize for this being such a long post. But it has been a kind of a long, sad and frustrating saga for me.
I know this lady who lives in my neighborhood. She has a job that puts her in touch on a regular basis with most everyone who lives in the neighborhood. She sees most everyone every day and talks with most everyone every day. I don’t want to specify her exact job because I want to try and remain anonymous here, if possible. It is generally well known in the neighborhood that this lady suffers from back pain as a result of a childhood accident. She has had many spinal operations since that time, but unfortunately, none of them seems to have done any good. She is always talking about the terrible back pain she is suffering. Strangely enough, however, no one I know has ever seen her exhibit any symptoms of back pain. The only evidence seems to be that she is absent from her job about one day in ten due to back pain. Aside from that, she appears to be completely healthy.
About three months ago, I discovered that I had in my possession a large supply of pain killers that might likely ease her pain. I got these a few years ago and it had completely slipped my mind that I still had them. I asked her if she’d be interested in trying some and she said that she would. She appeared to be extremely overjoyed at the prospect. As it turned out, she was very familiar with these pain killers as well as most every other kind of pain killer. She told me these pain killers worked like a miracle. She said they removed all of her pain for a 24 hour period and enabled her to function normally throughout that 24 hours. Strangely enough, however, during the past three months that I have kept her supplied with these pain killers, she has continued to be absent from work about one day in ten due to back pain. Also, strangely enough, despite my urging her to go see a doctor and get her own pain killers, she has always found some excuse why she can’t. I found this to be perplexing and maybe even disturbing but said nothing because she is a very nice lady and well liked by everyone. I didn’t want to cause any problems for her. However, it could be that she just couldn’t afford to buy them. They are fairly expensive.
Anyway, during the past three months, I would see her once per week and gave her a week’s supply of the pain killers every week. Throughout this period, I tried to find a way to get some kind of fair exchange going. Unfortunately, there was just nothing forthcoming from this lady. I suggested two or three different ways in which we could make an exchange that would be fair. But she just wasn’t having any of it.
Here is my problem. Throughout the entire three months, she was always extremely happy to see me. Not just at the times I gave her the week’s supply of pain killers, but any time she saw me, she would always break out into a huge smile and want to hug me and call me, “her good friend”. “Hello, my friend”! “How are you today my friend”? “You are looking very well today, my friend”. I found it all to be kind of sickening since she would never answer any of my overtures about ways that she could do something for me to create an exchange that I would feel was somewhat fair. I needed for her to give me something in return for what I was giving her so that I could feel that something fair was happening. But, there was never anything forthcoming. I made it clear to her that I was not comfortable with her hugs or anything more intimate.
The last straw for me was that I asked her - in person - if she would do a specific favor for me. I also sent her this request in an email. We had exchanged emails fairly regularly, so I was certain that she would have received this email. I never mentioned anything explicit in my request and my email about how this would represent a fair exchange in return for the pain killers, but given that this had been the one constant topic of conversation between us over the past three months, I assumed she would have understood that was the case. Well, I guess I should have known better than to assume. She never answered my email and when I saw her a few times after sending the email, she never mentioned anything about my request for help and just basically ignored my request for help.
So, I stopped giving her the pain killers and now, she treats me as if I was the worst person in the world - as if I snatched one of her children and murdered it - as if I borrowed a thousand dollars from her and refuse to pay her back.
I am left wondering, is it true that no good deed goes unpunished? The only thing I ever did to her that could be considered wrong was that I did her a good deed and then I stopped. Had I never started doing this good deed to her, we would still be friendly and I would still be seen, in her eyes, as a good guy. All of the friendly feelings she displayed to me during the three months I was giving her the pain killers have now vanished. During those three months, I was a good guy and her good friend. But once I stopped, she treats me like a rat and a snake - as if I did something extremely reprehensible to her.
It’s an interesting dilemma. If I had never done the good deed for her, there would never have been any problem. All of the friendliness she displayed towards me during these past three months has been completely forgotten. All of the good deeds I did for her have been forgotten. Now, all that remains is some terrible wrong that I did to her by stopping performing the good deed.
What is the answer? Should people just never go out of their way to do a good deed for others? In my experience, in most cases (especially if it involves loaning people money), there is just no way that doing someone a good deed can come back to reward you with some happiness or some satisfaction that you’ve done a good deed. For some reason, it always seems to bounce back on the person who does the good deed and give them grief and unhappiness and the wish that they had never done this good deed in the first place.
What are your experiences? Are they similar? Do you have any answers for this dilemma?
