I agree with Manda JO. All too often I offer suggestions and advice instead of just sympathizing. I also have some guy friends who are excellent at just listening, and never really give advice or try to problem-solve. Recently I’ve made more of an effort to listen more, and try to fix things less.
Then again, when I’m upset, I tend to want advice and discussion of the problem and how to make it better, rather than just “Oh, that’s terrible!” It makes me think the other person’s really listening to my problem and contemplating it, rather than thinking about something else and feeling obligated to respond.
I have to chime in with Manda Jo and Joyfulgirl here. I’m another advice-giver. I’m not very introspective, and, for better or worse, I tend to look at emotional stuff the way I would a broken toaster. “Okay, that’s not working, what if you tweak this?”
I could never be any kind of counselor. I don’t know how they do it. I think I would be constantly jumping in with solutions: “Dump the bastard already!” “Jeez, get over yourself! Go do some volunteer work or something!” (None of this is meant to be a slur on counselors or people who go to them; it’s just something I’d have a hard time doing.)
Along with MandaJo and Joyfulgirl, I tend to be more about solutions and next steps than pure comfort. Friends who know me know that when they share a problem with me the first words after “I’m so sorry you have to deal with that” are “So, what are you going to do now?” It’s how my brain works. It has nothing to do with my gender. If people need something different from me then they can tell me what they need and I’ll do my best to give it.
I’d rather get constructive advice and suggestions, as opposed to a rant about how the problem is my fault, and I was wrong to get myself in this situation. I was once told “Your problem is YOU.” Huh?
Guys - if a woman you care about is having a melt-down here’s what you do and do not do:
Do NOT say “what’s the problem?”
DO say “What’s bothering you?”
DO make sympathy noises, even if it’s only “uh-huh” and “yeah, I hear that.” (we don’t expect you to become women-style listeners, but it’s nice if we’re reassured you’re not asleep)
Do NOT jump in with a 15 point plan voiced in the imperative - unless you are a drill sergeant and the woman is your subordinate you are NOT to give orders, or even to appear to give orders.
(why not? Guys, would you want a dude 2 feet taller than you, and twice as strong as you, looming over you and frowning, saying “do this! then do this! then do this!”? No? Well, that’s how the average 6 foot guy comes across to a 5 foot tall woman. You may not intend to intimidate in this manner, but you could do so even without the intention. If you find you might have done this, then sit down - you will be much less intimidating and it should help)
DO preface the 15 point plan with something like “Well, I can’t tell you how to live your life, but if I were you this is what I would do…” It takes the edge off, but still allows you to assist in a “masculine” manner by offering solutions.
Now this in only ME talking, but in MY mind, when people (men or women) are running through their litany of life’s problems, they’re either asking for advice, or WHINING! If they don’t want the former, they’re DOING the latter and I will remove myself from it.
I DO make exceptions for loved ones, because I don’t want to offend them, not because I think either of us are accomplishing anything. So I sit, pat a shoulder, hug or whatever, thinking, “When will this end”?
When talk my problems over with somebody, I’m neither asking advice nor whining. I’m working things out in the way that works best for me. Talking things over helps me exorcise the emotional baggage so I can focus more rationally on the problem - and then I can usually figure out what I should do on my own, without the advice. It’s a vital part of my mental process. If I don’t have someone to talk things over with, I just seethe, and accomplish nothing.
As to the male (and sometimes female) tendency to give advice, I figure the other person is only trying to be helpful. I’m a firm believer in the concept of taking things in the spirit in which they are intended. And hey, sometimes the advice is even useful!
What a woman is sometimes doing by talking about a problem is verbally working through the process of finding her own solution. For myself, talking about a problem is my way of getting it out, making it less overwhelming so I can figure out how to deal with it or even if I should. Sometimes, the talking is in itself enough to solve the problem, when it is simply my reaction to something that is troubling me.
Men can have difficulty handling this because they are in general wired to internally work through problems, so when someone talks to them about something, it must mean that that person has not been able to solve the problem on their own and is looking for suggestions on what to do. They are also generally action-oriented and are frustrated by not being able to DO something to solve the problem. Guys, remember: listening IS doing something!
This of course doesn’t apply when someone is bitching just to listen to themselves bitch, or to get you to feel sorry for them.
I don’t think it’s that much of a guy thing. I have a hard time not giving advice myself(that’s why I show up in so many dear sdmb threads), and I hate getting advice when I am telling someone my problems! The worst person I’ve known for doing that was a woman.
I think there’s a “heads I win, tails don’t count” effect where if a guy gives advice it’s because he’s a guy, but if a woman gives advice, it’s her personality, not her sex.
And since I am compelled to give advice …
When people tell you their troubles, they want to vent, to bitch and to get validation for their feelings. If you are an advice giver, has there never been a time when you just had a bad day and wanted to bitch? If you don’t know what to say try “What they did was wrong, I would feel the same way, I’m sorry this happened.”
Or at least as much of that as you can choke out. I know that I’ve been in a few situations where my (long-gone) SO was bitching about something that made me want to slap him silly for bitching.
If you have to give advice, wait a day or two, then bring it up with “I’ve been thinking about what happened and what I would do is…”
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