I agree with that. In a complex family situtation, get it all done properly. It may be a contentious issue, but once the paperwork is written up and the decisions made, you can get along with your relationship without all these issues being in the back of your mind.
My grandparents died leaving a modest estate behind (about half a million dollars). They didn’t leave a will. Their children had always been close - we had family reunions every year, and everyone visited everyone else regularly. The entire family often spent Christmas together. That sort of thing. So I guess they just assumed that the children would get together, split everything up equitably, and that would be that.
It didn’t work out that way. As soon as my grandparents died, the knives came out. Suddenly years of pent-up jealousies and rivalries surfaced. One child was helped with a mortgage years earlier, so it was ‘decided’ that that money should come out of her share of the inheritance. She didn’t like that, so the books were opened and the great game of deciding who deserved what based on past financial help began. That didn’t end well. Others were mad because a couple of the children were quite wealthy and still demanded an equal share of the money as those who were quite poor. Then there was the property - fights over a favorite bureau, fights over who got which antiques, etc.
In the end, lawyers were involved, acrimony was everywhere, and it split up the family.
So there’s nothing wrong with putting it all down in writing so you don’t have to worry about people doing the ‘right thing’ after you’re gone. It saves a lot of heartache. But both spouses still have to agree to it. The fact that the OP is ‘demanding’ final say is troubling, as is his spouse refusing to consult him on the issue of the 401(k). But that’s more of a problem with the relationship, and that would exist even if there was no son to worry about.
I suggest that one should know what will happen with one’s estate. In my area (Canada), that means knowing:
[ul]What will not be covered by the will (e.g. interests in property owned jointly, and investements/insurance with designated beneficiaries);[/ul]
[ul]What will be covered by the will (e.g. interests in property owned in common, and investments/insurance without designated beneficiaries);[/ul]
[ul]Whether distributions prior to death amongst kin might constitute trusts, loans or gifts (was that money to the grandson for him to pay granny’s bills, or was it a loan he should have repaid, or was it a gift for him to keep); and[/ul]
[ul]How matrimonial and succession/estate laws play into the mix.[/ul]
The odds of one who does not deal with estates knowing the ins and outs of this stuff are not very good, and let’s face it, if one does not understand this stuff, the odds are pretty good that one will screw up with it, particularly if there are step-children involved, or money or property passing amongst kin in the years prior to death.
Don’t upset Mr. Murdstone, as young master Copperfield will surely suffer for it.
(bolding mine)
Wow. I can only agree with the first 4 words, but that you’d type this entire sentence about a spouse in good health is a matter of no small concern.
Q: How happy would you be if your wife posted here that she felt fully entitled to your death benefit? :dubious:
One might draw the conclusion from this thread alone that you are both jointly entitled to a divorce benefit, and for the health of all parties concerned, the sooner the better.
[Cobain]“No, I don’t have a gun…”[/Cobain]
If you be like to die, then do so, so as to spoil all of your wife’s nefarious plans… :rolleyes:
It doesn’t matter what anyone thinks about it because he does have a right to her death benefit (this description is most likely inaccurate but that’s beside the point) and the only way she can make someone else her beneficiary is with his written consent. She, in turn, is entitled to his retirement assets. I’m sure she would not be happy at all if the tables were turned and he made someone other than her beneficiary on his account (which no doubt is larger) and she was left high and dry after he died.
Look at it this way, she wants to give their retirement assets to someone who will not retire for many years (20-30?) after they do. That’s foolish. When they retire they will be on a fixed income and every dollar will count. Why give that money to someone who doesn’t need it? If they/she want to give him something they should do it through life insurance or put him in their will (if there’s anything left).
So I guess the easiest thing for me to do is not get married. Would it be different if the business is incorporated or if it’s managed under a trust? I guess these are questions for a really good lawyer.
Sam Stone is right. You really should see a lawyer. Assets that you accumulate during the marriage are presumed to be marital property. Additionally in Virginia, your spouse has the right to claim a portion of the estate even without it being left in the will. This website from the Virginia Bar Association gives a nice overview. The only way around this is to get a good premarital agreement. Ideally both you and your future spouse will have adequate representation.
In any case, when enbarking upon a second marriage, with children from a previous relationship and each party with significant assets, both parties need to get these things worked out ahead of time, because it is extremely expensive to do so after the fact. Also, this avoids having the fight down the road.
OK. Re-reading all of this, I have to say … these are all issues that the two of you should have worked out 8 years ago. Bad move on both your parts in not having a long, hard, serious discussion about the joint ownership of your assets and income—and how her son might or might not share in those—before you got married.
If she has been dividing things in this manner, as you state, since you were first married, then you have been giving her the false impression that such a financial arrangement is OK with you. You are at fault.
Getting to the “final say” business … From the tenor of your post, I think she is wholly justified in not trusting you to distribute her assets to her son as she wishes. You want a say in how they are distributed? Have your say now, when she’s around. Let her know that the son should only get 25% of that 401k, or whatever. I’m sure SHE would like to have the final say on how her money is distributed, but she’s going to be dead. That’s why one makes such arrangements now. What happens if YOU die at the same time as her? You’ll miss your chance to have your final say, then. Sounds like you’re more concerned about having some power over her son than you are about how your finances are handled … else you’d come to some agreement on those directives now.
I understand all of this; I make more than my wife, too. But we talked about our finances before we got married, and have since, and all of them are joint property. Period. So I sock away stuff in my 401k when jobs allow me, and she does the same in hers when jobs allow. We have a life insurance policy on me, but not on her, because my loss of income to her would be devastating, while her loss of income to me would be problematic, but resolvable via some downsizing. I’ve pulled in more money while she’s taken a much longer time to pursue a lower-paying (but more fulfilling than previous ones for her) career, but that’s fine, because we’ve talked about it all and we’re both OK with it. You two should have talked earlier, and you should DEFINITELY talk now, preferably with a financial advisor (as others have mentioned) if not with a couples therapist of some sort who can mediate the conversation … which could get heated.
Is it just me or does this situation seem like a setting for a Lifetime Channel movie of the week? This thread has spooked me out more than any I have have read in a long time. I wish the OP would clarify some of his complete beliefs because the clues seem chilling right now. Then again, he is called the Bad Samaritan which I would think would be a clue in the dating scene.
Yeah, I have to say that I got a bad vibe from the OP. He says that he makes 2/3 of the income, and does the most saving of the two of them. Clearly, their joint assets are not going to find their way to her kid (given the attitude of the OP), so I don’t blame her for trying to set something aside for him (only 1/2 of the 401k, which doesn’t seem to be a major part of their savings in the first place). I would not like it if I had a child that I tried to carve out a little inheritance for, and my husband opposed it on the grounds that he wanted to be the decider as to how much the kid gets.
As the OP, I’ve debated long about whether or not to respond to some of your comments, questions, and allegations. Some of you have asked reasonable questions, made correct & incorrect assumptions about certain situations and issues in our marriage, and offered sensible advice & opinions. On the other hand, many of you feel my view is appalling and indefensible. A number of you have made broad judgments about my character and the situation based on the scant information I’ve given. Fair enough, I opened myself up for criticism. I just don’t feel that I can respond or address the matter further without giving more specific details of our relationship/situation. Frankly, I’m not going to air out that kind of information on this forum in an attempt to defend myself to a bunch of judgmental strangers. I sought opinions, and I got them. At the very least, it may have given some of you cause to examine more closely your own personal matters for potentially similar circumstances.
I think you have a right to feel slightly miffed about the situation, but don’t argue with her about it. That just makes you look insecure and petty. I can understand that he is 19 and should be well on his way to being a grownup with savings and supporting himself, but it is her son. If he is a total loser who burns through money as if it were nothing, you might have good reason. Maybe discuss having the money placed in a trust of some sort for him. I do, however, agree with others who have stated that this should have been sorted out before you guys got married.
My stuff (life insurance and whatnot) is split 50/50 between my husband and my sister. Mr. Geek doesn’t care, and if he does he’s never brought it up. He also makes more than twice what I do.
I am his sole beneficiary for his stuff, but then again he doesn’t have anyone other than his worthless brother to put it to. I think he would rather have the money lit afire than it go to his brother.
