But what if external circumstances make experiencing “frivolous pleasure” impossible? I will not be able to enjoy an expensive vacation if I know my house is falling down. I will be worried about the house, probably calling my neighbors every evening to check and see if it’s okay. I will feel guilty every minute, knowing that my investment is rotting away while I’m buying $10 drinks. There is no way I would have fun on such a vacation, it would be like torture for me. Other problems don’t just disappear into the aether when you’re on a fabulous vacay; something like a house problem (or a medical problem, or loans, or car trouble) is magnified, and suddenly every financial decision you make becomes more important and you feel less free to enjoy yourself. At least, that’s how it is for me. Maybe others can put their problems out of their minds as soon as they see a beach.
You can’t force someone to have “fun” if they feel they have more pressing concerns, and it’s wrong to expect them to. Different people have different things that make them happy–some love traveling, but more practical types (like me) like not owing the bank too much money. It’s a measure of your relationship with a person that you find out what makes them tick and custom-design gifts for their specific interests and priorities. Forcing a vacation on someone who isn’t really hot on them just screams “I don’t know you at all, so here’s something I would enjoy, and if you don’t like it you’re an ingrate.” Not to mention the major guilt issues when the relative asks “so how was the trip?” and you’re forced to either lie and say it was relaxing and great or tell the truth and say that you were worried about the house the entire time and never had a moment of fun because of it.
And I think there’s a big difference between a $20 dinner and a $15k vacation. Not just scale, but also practicality–everyone has to eat, and even if it’s a more expensive dinner than what you would buy for yourself otherwise it serves a practical purpose. Nobody needs to go on vacation. But I wouldn’t treat someone to an expensive dinner if I knew they needed something else badly, because IMO, that’s equal to flashing your money around.
That would only call into question the gift-giving under those particular circumstances. It doesn’t mean that giving cash gifts with a specific intent is inherently wrong.
That’s a mistake that several people seem to be making here. They point to extreme circumstances wherein having strings attached imposes an unusual burden on the recipient – and based on these isolated cases, they conclude that cash gifts should never be earmarked for a specific intent. That simply does not follow.
Well, what constitutes an “unusual” burden? What if I can “justify” going to the Bahamas but I just don’t like the beach or tropical weather (or vacations at all)? Am I obligated to go anyway? What if I’m given money earmarked for a wedding dress but I find weddings wasteful? Am I to be forced to go through a ceremony I find wasteful (feeling guilt over the money the entire time; yeah I’m just chock full of guilt) just so the “gift” giver can be happy?
No, but you are obligated to say “gee, that’s very generous, but I’m not having a big wedding and won’t be buying a wedding dress.” The giver then says “oh, ok, well, blow it on your elopement then!” or “Do whatever you want with it” or “oh, I’ll buy you a crystal bowl like everyone else then.”
That’s an interesting question, but once again, it’s irrelevant to the topic at hand! Clearly, not all strings constitute an unusual burden on the recipient. Ergo, we cannot use these “unusual burdens” – whatever they may be – to prove that cash gifts with strings attached are somehow unethical.
You can quibble about what constitutes an unusual burden if you want, but this will do nothing to prove your case.
I respect your opinion, but the difference between a gift and an arrangement to provide money for a specified purpose that you demand as a condition of furnishing it should be fairly clear. As for what you get in return, well, if it is really nothing, then you wouldn’t care how the money is spent. But the satisfaction (from whatever source) you derive from directing its use is apparently enough to make it a condition of providing it. Therefore, it’s a transaction. Maybe the benefit to you isn’t tangible enough for a court to call the arrangement a contract, but I’m not calling it one.
Please remember I’m not saying there’s anything inherently bad or ungenerous about such arrangements. I’m merely saying that well, a gift is a gift, and an exchange of money for promises is something else.
So if the donor derives any pleasure from giving something, then it’s not truly a gift? By that logic, the only true “gifts” are those from which the donor derives NO satisfaction whatsoever! It’s a ridiculously broad definition.
By that thinking, if a man gives his wife a diamond ring because he knows this would please her, then the ring is a “transaction,” not a “gift.” After all, the man is deriving satisfaction from this present.
Heck, by that logic, the vast majority of Christmas and birthday presents are “transactions,” not “gifts.” That’s a rather unusual perspective, to say the least.
I daresay that most normal people would not accept such a restrictive definition of the word “gift.”
Please try to pay attention to this. A “gift” requires nothing from the recipient. A gift may be given happily in expectation of its impact on the receiver. A gift may be given joyfully because of a sense of altruism on the part of the giver. A gift may be given expectantly by someone who expects (but does not demand) reciprocity from his/her gesture. What you get out of giving is nobody’s business, as long as what you get isn’t explicitly or implicitly required in advance. There is no such thing as a gift which is provided as a condition of the receiver’s future behavior. Period. Reread the topic once or twice. We’re pretty much on the same side, here. Give your friend some money. Right now. I’ll wait. Now, give your friend some money and tell him/her that you want him to spend it on self-improvement/lawn care/casino gambling/clothes for the kids/whatever, as long as it’s your idea and not his/hers. Tell me that it’s the same experience. They won’t.