This really honest Stainless and, in my experience, accurate. At 32, I’ve been through a few relationships and I’ve learned quite a bit from them. I confess, I’ve never learned it easy. As far as I can tell, there are certain things that are guaranteed when it comes to relationships, like the flutter thing (which I totally understand–there is a thrill to the chase and ensuing discovery), like the boredom or inevitable irritation, and like the pain of breaking up, no matter how valid a decision it is. When I am in that “fallout” stage, I try to just keep in mind that there is a time limit to it, it eventually will break, I’ll grow and, as the Cowboy Junkies say, I’ll “be loved again.” (sorry, I am required as a hardcore fan to promote their music. Really, it’s in the contract. )
Seriously, I do, I try to look at it logically and bear it out. I always recover. As for the question “Is love worth it?” I’ll be honest. I haven’t decided yet. In some ways, I am at my best when I’m alone (post recovery). But then, I am human, and a female to boot, so I also admit that I hope to find someone. I’ll say this–I will not settle. In the meantime, I try to keep in mind that there are no guarantees in life and that I could end up alone, so I should be prepared for that potentiality. People do live out their lives alone. It happens. I also keep in mind that it might not happen to me. It’s all about the open mind and making myself happy, at least for me.
Good luck in your search, or your decision not to, whatever you may you choose.
Is love worth what?
How hard are you willing to seach for it? How much will you nurture it should you find it? Will you expect love to remain unchanged or to grow in new directions? Would you fight to keep it? Would you work 40 hours a week to help pay to enjoy it?
Pbfffft! That’s just completely absurd. And a bit short sighted.
Easy. It is possible to sit down and look at your life and your plans rationally and come to the conclusion for various valid reasons that “love” is not worth it. Total, unfettered freedom; a life without romantic compromise; an acceptance that a person just might not want to be with others romantically, or that they might not want to be committed to and “love” his or her companions.
I’m not sure if you are aware, but you came across as quite arrogant and condescending, the implied judgement being that people who concientiously decide they don’t want to pair off are suffering emotional distress or neglect. That simply isn’t the case.
Minor quibble: you can be free by yourself or with somebody else, and I’d argue there’s more to freedom than doing what you want. As the late Mr. G. Harrison said, “It’s all in the mind.” I’m not sure quite what romantic compromise is.
Not bringing evolutionary psychology into it: Real Love is what is left when the fluttery feelings go away. If nothing is there when the fluttery feelings go away then…
Real love is not about entertainment or feeling groovy. It is about deeply caring for someone’s well being based on who you think and feel they are. That’s my opinion.
It sort of goes hand in hand with freedom in that if you make the decision to live your life alone, you don’t have to make compromises to your romantic mate, which are usually of a more personal nature than compromise in everyday life. I added romantic after the fact beause I really don’t think it’s possible to live life without some sort compromise, however minor. I doubt anyone could argue, though, that most people in relationships make compromises with that person that people not in relationship do not have to make. Also, when I speak of freedom I mean freedom to live without having to consider the other person the way most people in romantic relationships do.
My point is that conscientiously deciding to live life alone isn’t neccessarily the result of some pathos (though I won’t argue that it can be, and often is when asked in the middle of a breakup). The beauty of living today is that we are all free to decide for ourselves.
No, I wouldn’t argue that point. Different compromises, anyway. I’m not one of those “everybody should pair up, and do it now!” types, that shit’s very annoying. Before I got together with my girlfriend in October, I hadn’t dated anyone in about two years, and hadn’t been in anything more long-term for about four. There’s a difference between being lonely and being alone. People who choose to be single are one thing, but some others (not a reference to anyone here) protest too much, methinks.
Yes.
But perhaps you are looking at it the wrong way.
My wife and I have recently celebrated our ninth anniversary.
This to me is an amazing fact. I thought I would Never find the " One". I was 29 when I got married. I had stopped looking for romantic love. I believed in it, but thought that it wouldn’t happen to me. I wasn’t looking for it, when it smacked me right in the face.
As far as Boredom, it depends on you. Sure your relationship can get stagnant. You might be able to order for her in a restaurant, but do you know why she likes her steak rare? A rela-
tionship is an chance to learn and grow. Especially when it comes to sex.
I believe I know what turns my wife on. However, I also know it has taken me a while to learn these things. Hopefully I have more to learn. People are unique in their desires, and if you are lucky, you get to discover this little by little. I can honestly say that after nine years my wife still turns me on.
You mention politics and sacrifices. I would have to say as long as both of you are in it together it will work out. I don’t believe I have given up more than my wife has. It all comes down to com-promise.
Lastly.
After the Fluttery feeling is gone, what do you have left.
In my case a deep and resounding desire and respect for the person you are with. The knowledge that if that person wasn’t in your life, that you wouldn’t be the person you are today, and that would be bad. The ralization that your beloved makes you complete.
Yes.
But perhaps you are looking at it the wrong way.
My wife and I have recently celebrated our ninth anniversary.
This to me is an amazing fact. I thought I would Never find the " One". I was 29 when I got married. I had stopped looking for romantic love. I believed in it, but thought that it wouldn’t happen to me. I wasn’t looking for it, when it smacked me right in the face.
As far as Boredom, it depends on you. Sure your relationship can get stagnant. You might be able to order for her in a restaurant, but do you know why she likes her steak rare? A rela-
tionship is an chance to learn and grow. Especially when it comes to sex.
I believe I know what turns my wife on. However, I also know it has taken me a while to learn these things. Hopefully I have more to learn. People are unique in their desires, and if you are lucky, you get to discover this little by little. I can honestly say that after nine years my wife still turns me on.
You mention politics and sacrifices. I would have to say as long as both of you are in it together it will work out. I don’t believe I have given up more than my wife has. It all comes down to com-promise.
Lastly.
After the Fluttery feeling is gone, what do you have left.
In my case a deep and resounding desire and respect for the person you are with. The knowledge that if that person wasn’t in your life, that you wouldn’t be the person you are today, and that would be bad. The ralization that your beloved makes you complete.
I’ve never been in love. But I think that love is worth it. It even confuses me as to why I can think love is worth it when I’ve never experienced it (in a romantic sense). But I know that love is worth it, especially when I see how in love so many people I know are. My parents, my grandparents, a lot of friends of mine, my sister and her husband, etc. If it’s worth it for them, and so many people in the world, then it seems only logical that it would be worth it for me.
On the other side of it, though, I don’t htink we need romantic love to survive. I think that if I had my family’s love, my friend’s love, and was truly happy with myself and what I was doing with my life, then I wouldn’t feel the need for romantic love. Sure, it would gain importance in my life, especially as I get older, and more emotionally mature, but I think that we can be truly happy without having an SO.
Sorry if that made no sense, it’s 1 a.m. my time, and I’m exhausted.
If being in love involved politics and boredom for me, no it probably wouldn’t be worth it to me. Instead it involves being amazingly happy, having lots of fun, enjoying life and lots of other things, none of them negative. I didn’t work at finding “the one”. I was convinced I never would and was moving on, when it fell in my lap. Fortunately for me, every time we’ve changed, we’ve grown closer rather than further apart. I reckon that’s 50% to do with communication and 50% to do with blind luck, so it could’ve easily been a different story, and still might.
On the flip side though, if it’s not enjoyable, don’t do it. If it doesn’t push you to be a better person, if it isn’t enhancing your life and if it isn’t making your face break out into a huge smile when you think your partner, move on. (IMHO, of course)
I have slippers older than that. I have T-shirts older than that. Heck, I probably have a fossilized sandwich in a box older than that!!
You define “lengthy” as a being more than a mere two years???
My wife and I have been married for ten years. We began to “date” for five years previous to that, engaged for three of those five years. We’re still as in love as we ever were.
Two years? Two years is barely enough time to get past “Hello”. Sure, it’s fine if one is in a pre-agricultural society where the life-expectancy is 25.
I don’t want to fall in love again. I did once and it hurt, hurt bad, crippled my social life and made me generally a hermit, even now, I’m distrustful of people around me. It made me unable to express my feelings about women I like cause that encounter is always in the back of my mind…I just, I just don’t wanna be in that position again. So yes Love is not worth it…
Maybe I’ll change my attitude later on in a couple of months or years, but until I ever get into a relationship thats how my view stands…
I expected someone to pop up with this intricate line eventually. Yes, two years. And? Isn’t that long enough to consider long term? It was certainly long enough to encounter the things I’m talking about. Let me guess: we young whippersnappers have no concept of time until it’s measured in decades, right?
I was precisely at this point when I found love. Never thought it’d happen and then BAM it did… so, don’t lose hope, you never know whats around the corner.
I think people have some grand idea about romantic love from the movies or some other fantasy. This gets built into something unrealistic and unattainable.
Real love is simpler and better. You’ll know it when you find it. There are a billion little things that will cinch it for you too.
Like when I had a horrible night and cried myself to sleep on his lap. I woke up the next morning to find he had not moved all night and there was no comfy place for him to lean so he just didn’t get any sleep!
Or when he takes such good care of me when I’m sick. Hard to explain but he knows just what I need.
He’d leave for work before me in the morning and would always scrape my car if it was frosty or clear the snow for me.
To me that’s more romantic than all the flowers, jewelery and fancy dinners you could ever want!
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