You know, having read so many topics here and had so many conversations in “real life” with people who lament the minutia of committed relationships or marriage, I really wonder if it’s worth the grief. It seems like the most common joke these days has become, “what’s the best way to become abstinent?” “Get married.”
It’s not just about sex, either, but more passion. Having been down the road of lengthy relationships (which I define as 2+ years) three times, I have experienced these things firsthand. There just doesn’t appear to be any way to maintain that fluttery feeling for any length of time on either side of the relationship. Yet, it’s equally difficult to be pushing thirty and still doing the May-July fling-thing while everyone I know is being paired off. Like many of you I’m sure, I tend to re-examine myself when a relationship fails and I can’t honestly imagine the type of person who could put up with me permanently and I her once the sex becomes routine and the learning curve flattens out however much.
So, my question to you is this: is love really, really worth it? Is it worth the small and large sacrifices on many levels and the loss of the nervous energy that comes when two people begin to explore each other? Is it worth the knowledge that you will (potentially) never again feel that little shock of catching someone’s eyes across a room and trying to figure out how to break the ice? Or the accidental discovery that you two both like sleeping when it’s cold in the room? To me, the best parts of a relationship involve discovery and, while I do not deny that this can continue for decades, I think we can all agree that it really levels off (or vanishes) after the initial burst.
Now, before you type “yes, it’s worth it, jackass” in big, bold font, consider as well that I am not talking about a series of purely sexual romps instead of committment. What I am asking is, when being in love with someone involves so much politics and, in many cases, boredom, why do we all work so hard to find “the one”?
I remember reading that thread and know two people in similar situations - but, if they are truly honest with themselves, they are not in love with their SO’s - they stay because of kids, financial committments, fear of being alone and a million other reasons that people stay in relationships when they have outgrown that first flush of discovery.
My answer would be yes, it is worth it. Why? Because, at the age of 35, I am, for the first time ever, in love and I think its incredible - incredibly thrilling and incredibly scary at the same time. But having resigned myself years ago to never meeting that certain someone who makes my heart flutter and gives me butterflies in my tummy when we talk… well all I can say is yes, life is soooooooo much better with him in it than without him. I cannot even begin to imagine my life without him now.
We are long distance and you might feel that makes a difference - I don’t personally. I believe we probably communicate and share a lot more than a lot of couples do who live together permanently - because we make a concerted effort with our relationship - we really work hard on it. I believe our relationship is still a journey of discovery - we are together 18 months now (friends for well over 2 years) and we are still finding things out about each other.
Perhaps its a matter of injecting a bit more mystery into the relationship if a person feels they have hit a rut… I firmly believe that relationships are a journey and you have to try all the time with them… they are not a destination where you can sit back and say “ah I’ve got them now” and just do what you want.
I have yet to be bored by my bf/SO (whatever term you wish to use)… he is a lively, fun guy and makes me laugh every day of the week. We have been through more than our fair share rough times together and always worked together as a team (as much as we humanly can at the moment). Whatever happens, we do totally rely on each other emotionally.
So my answer is, yes, its very much worth it… life without love is no life at all (IMO).
I am only 16 and I have finally “fallen in love.” I might be naive about this whole issue and I probably am not experiencing **real, deep love ** but this feeling is the best feeling I’ve ever had. I realize it probably won’t last forever, but after 6 months I’m as happy as I have ever been. Ack, if this isn’t real love I can’t wait for real love…because this is the best feeling in the world.
I will just add that some people are so alive and passionate about life, and have so many interests, and are so interesting, that boredome would never be an issue. Some people are fun to be around evey day because those people awake every day and view every day as an adventure.
Some of us are not working hard at finding “the” one. I don’t view love as black and white, but very gray and often difficult to define. It’s different things for different people. If a great partner is MET, that’s wonderful. If not, then life is cool, too. ~ FWIW
Well, I’ve been with my husband for 4 1/2 years, and last night when we were out dancing, I kept staring at him in wonder, because he was so gorgeous. So the fluttery feeling can last. I don’t expect it’ll go away too soon, either.
I think it’s worth it in the same way that having a good friend for years is worth it, only more so. Sure, any relationship requires work, and if you don’t want to put work into mantaining long-term relationships, than that’s fine. And yes, the joy of complete discovery and the nervousness of beginning to get to know someone are fun, and they don’t come back, but I think breaking up with an SO because you miss them indicates that you’re more attracted to the feelings than to the person, which is sad.
I would rather have my husband, because I value him as a distinct individual, than lots and lots of fun infatuation-tingly-feelings. I know there’ll be problems and strains, but I don’t think it’s a waste of energy that could be better spent anywhere else.
Pardon me if this doesn’t make sense or is offensive. I’m tired and have a bad headache.
That’s the short form - them brain drugs are good, and we hunger for them. Clicking with someone, getting that synchrony down, kicks off the endorphins. We’re hard-wired to want love, because love → sex → continuation of the species.
Beyond that? This description of ‘love’ that you have here isn’t all about love, IMHO:
nervous energy that comes when two people begin to explore each other (that’s anxiety, not love)
that fluttery feeling (that’s anxiety again, or it was for me … the hormone/attraction rush is different for me)
that little shock of catching someone’s eyes across a room and trying to figure out how to break the ice (that’s endorphins or hormones, plus anxiety)
the accidental discovery that you two both like sleeping when it’s cold in the room (ah, the discovery thing… )
the best parts of a relationship involve discovery (bingo! though, I do like that hormone thing…)
Okay, since we sorted that out, let me discuss love over a now-13-year span.
No more fear. So no gut-drop or flutters. But that’s okay, because also no compulsion to call every 20 minutes, and no heartbreak, and no busting out in a cold sweat, and no wondering if he’s looking elsewhere. Trust, not fear.
Endorphins and hormones. They still exist. I still get that shock of blood flowing out of my brain and straight to … uh, elsewhere… when I see him in a black turtleneck, or catch a glimpse of him across the room at a dance, it is just the same as the first time I saw him - YOWSA! Damn, he’s a babe. Love the way his hands look, love his legs, love to watch him work, dance, build… Because I have him, there’s no complusion to catch him that moment. I just enjoy the rush, and share, later (presuming things work out that evening - but I can save up, too). Even when I had gained a lot of weight, my husband sheepishly admitted to me once that he was looking out the window watching this hot babe walk down the sidewalk - long hair, boots, and the way her hips moved… then he realized it was me. Still there. I’ve lost a lot of weight again, and we both appreciate my more svelte form, but he always responded, regardless. If you are willing to recognize that some things about attraction are physical, and some are not, then it becomes okay to balance them out over time. As long as you keep the connection, the passion and attraction stay, too. (That other thread is a case in point - there’s a lack of connection there, and a dearth of passion, and that is a relationship injury, not an actual balanced healthy relationship! Counseling would be my first advice.) And now that we have kids, I get that rush from seeing him being a dad, too.
Discovery. Here is one of the hot tips for the rest of your life. Humans are not static. We change. We grow. Our preferences change, too, as do our interests, abilities, and responses. Yes the initial discovery phase is the most intense learning curve. But you are not the same person you were 10 years ago, and getting married/falling in love will not lock you into being the same person you were when your eyes met hers/his. It isn’t as if there is a FINITE and ‘finished’ list of things to discover about one-another. It grows, changes, transforms.
I have changed dramatically. So has my husband. There are threads of similarity, but even such basics as ‘being a furnace at night’ have changed time and again. More than a decade later, we still find joy in discovery. Trust me, the sexual discovery has not stopped - it has accelerated! We have less time for sex now that we have kids, but we are far more creative about it, better at communicating, and more willing to take risks and try things. Outside of sex, we also discover new skills, and have had time to explore things in the rest of our lives that change our knowledge, interest, and capabilities. And we STILL discover little things about our childhoods that mesh or resonate, or are just interesting. Just about three years ago, we cleaned out his parent’s attic, and discovered that we read the same books as kids, and had the some of the exact same toys (including not-usual ones).
If you are finding that the discovery fades so far that you lose interest, then you haven’t found one of the ones who will match - either that, or you found someone who isn’t growing at all, or you are mistaking fear for love (a common error). (I don’t think there is just ‘one’, but many who could be ‘the’ one, not that it matters once you found the first one, since presumably you stop looking). If you have found someone who is just not growing, then you might be better finding someone who grows. Heck, go into couples counseling with someone who is stalled, and see what happens! Get growing, and you may find that the discovery process intensifies again. And if you need the anxiety to feel alive, get counseling, because you’ll be a prime target for an abusive partner.
Love is hard work. Or rather, relationships are hard work. They take dedication, patience, respect, flexibility, and humility. Love is both grease and fuel for getting through the rough patches. It is also the payoff in many of the moments in-between. Most definitely worth the effort to get it. I like my endorphins.
Last note - this is paraphrasing something my husband has noted to other guys who are bemoaning the loss of frequent sex and the change in roles after kids come along. Relationships aren’t static, either. Normal in the first year is not normal for the 15th. Normal before kids is not normal after kids. Normal is not some static set of experiences to be repeated endlessly forever. Life changes, dynamics change. You do what you can to ensure that those changes are ones that work for both of you. But if you expect to have sex like bunnies when she’s been breastfeeding 12 times a day, and chasing a toddler, expect her to either laugh or throw something. New normal, for that stage of life. to be replaced by another new normal, and another, and another. Adapt, adjust, accept the requirements of each stage, and stay connected. You don’t get to keep what was yesterday, you have to make it new again today. It will be different today than yesterday, because yesterday didn’t include the history that exists today. No lock-in, no ‘I like it like this, lets keep it forever’ - every day is gone when it is gone, and every new day is a completely new day, not a repeat. You don’t get to replay it, you get to explore what it brings, including the new expectations, new needs, new dynamics, with the new person YOU are, and the new person your partner is. Trying to hang onto yesterday is pointless and a waste of energy. Accept and move forward, or spend your life moaning about something you can’t have back - yesterday.
I don’t think anyone is denied the possibility of love. Circumstances make it more difficult for some than others, but in this world of 6 billion people, instant communication, and overnight global travel I don’t think any circumstance is so great as to make it impossible.
My husband and I started dating 12 years ago. This fall we will celebrate our seventh anniversary and welcome our second child into the world. I still feel all fluttery for him. I love him more deeply now that I ever have and I’ve learned my heart won’t explode
Aaah the ever wise hedra (who probably thinks I am stalking her at this point… we end up in a lot o threads together) has made some very excellent points!
1 - EVERYTHING CHANGES! We’re not college kids anymore… we’re spouses, parents, homeowners. We’ve moved a few times and have welcomed a variety of changes into our lives.
2 - Especially with the kids. We also can’t imagine our lives without these kids! They’ve brought so much to our lives. They are a lot of work and certainly no small amount of stress but they are also great joy. (Yeah I’m counting the fetus as a kid… shoot me)
3 - We must have a really shallow learning curve because I learn something new about him all the time. He constantly surprises me with something he knows or some thoughtful gesture that makes me look at him again as if we just met.
4 - Sex… you brought it up When I’ve been up all night with a sick toddler I’m not amorous at all! But while we don’t have the lazy weekends in bed anymore we make the time to be together. We find a babysitter or put the munchkin to bed a little early. We’ve also gotten much better at it over the years! Amazing what complete trust, honesty and communication can do to one’s libido!
5 - It’s work. A lot of work. Work I really don’t mind doing at all. But you can’t expect magic to last without working at it.
But it is very worth it to know that I have my best friend with me every day to be my friend, lover, partner … to help me raise our children … to look to the future with and to dream with. Just waking up and feeling him sleep next to me is so amazing.
Lissla Lissar said: “…but I think breaking up with an SO because you miss [the novelty of a new relationship] indicates that you’re more attracted to the feelings than to the person, which is sad.”
To clarify, I don’t split up with people because of missing these things, but I do miss them.
hedra: I did not wish to equate those things (fluttery feeling, glance across a room, etc) with my impression of love, merely as the things that I have found missing during a lengthy relationship.
I’ve noticed that most of the replies thus far have come from women, which may or may not mean anything, but I’m getting a clearer picture from this thread and similar conversations that it’s me who’s the exception and not the rule. Yes, I admit to getting bored with relationships (although not necessarily the person herself) and yet I continually hang my head when they don’t work out.
It’s very bizarre how I can feel one thing and yet act so oppositely for all these years. Perhaps I am the textbook example of someone who doesn’t know what he wants, even when I think I do. I conscientiously played down my most recent affair to even my closest friends and yet when it ended, I honestly felt terrible. It’s no wonder that things didn’t work when I had doomed it to fail in my head from the beginning. For some of us (and I know I’m not the only one), the self-protection mechanism is so strong that it utterly disallows one to remain open to the potential for being destroyed. If I keep myself emotionally reigned, there is less chance of being unable to get out of bed if or when things disintegrate. When I read threads like the one I linked in my OP, I wonder why anyone bothers because I can’t imagine something that even COULD last forever. After spending three and a half years with someone a few years back, the thought of marriage or a life together never even entered my mind.
On the other hand, perhaps I will feel differently on the off-chance that someone arrives who really can still give me the shivers with a kiss after a year or two.
The “fluttery feeling” comes and goes. It is possible for a very good relationship to have a bad month, or even year.
Then again, the Spouse and I have an unusual relationship. Our vows were very different from the now-standard ones - we did vow “Until death do us part,” and most emphatically did not vow “Forsaking all others.” Knowing that I am not dependant on him for all my needs and desires in a relationship, but at the same time having the rock-solid understanding that what we have will change and grow but never go away, makes our relationship issues (which we still have, of course) different from those of someone who does not want or need “forever,” but does want serious exclusivity in a relationship. (Or someone who wants both. Or neither.)
Bottom line, for me: Relationships are hard. Very hard. They require lots of time, effort, and introspection. But they are also very, very rewarding. Even with all the issues with the Spouse that I still have, I cannot imagine preferring a life without his constant presence and support.
So, yes, love is worth it. It’s what drives us to do the work in the first place.
Stainless: Well, after reading post after post of people telling you that love is worth it, I thought you should hear from someone in a similar boat as you are. I was in a 4 year relationship in which I explored the depths of my own absurdity as a romantic partner. We broke up, I spent months rethinking my philosophy on love and life… he promptly fell in love and is moving in with her, 5 months into their thing, 7 months after the breakup.
I AM NOT BITTER.
Yeah, right. You can imagine that my musings have run along lines much like yours… was it worth it? Ummm. Well, sure. I learned a lot about myself, but what I learned made me wonder if I can ever make something work long-term. I get bored too, just like you. I get antsy. I get critical. Reining all that in is hard because romantic love dredges up a lot of primal insecurities for me. But I’m tryin’, Ringo, I’m tryin’.
I realize I haven’t been much help. There is a dusty, secret little part of me that is convinced that I will find lasting, meaningful love. However, there’s also a snarling, frothing evil little part of me that is convinced that the whole concept of LOVE is a marketing strategy devised by a coalition of the most nefarious minds at Disney, Hallmark, Whitman’s Sampler, and pop music, and that by believing in it, I’m dooming myself to endless disappointment. Ask me again tomorrow and I’ll doubtless have a different answer.
I say this as my latest “love” is hurtling down the highway towards me. Sigh. Stainless, if you ever figure it out, please let me know, and I’ll do the same for you.
I’ve noticed that most of your responses either revolve around or at least mention change. Hedra, for example, said –
Maybe that’s a large part of the problem for people like me, as it is very true that people change, but I’ve never found someone whose changes bring us closer. Quite the opposite, in fact, as most of the changes I’ve seen with SOs lead us apart. Yes, I am aware of what that says about me as a boyfriend and I’ve even asked previous SOs about it. They have all denied any correlation, but I am still wary for obvious reasons and unable to fix my own problems until someone sets me straight on what they are.
So, what I’m saying is that the dynamic nature of people doesn’t always work toward “keeping things fresh”.
I’ve mulled over this very question a lot over the years–too much–and I’ve finally decided that the answer is no. Love is not worth the trouble. For me, romantic love falls into the same category as a winning lottery ticket–the category of things that would be nice to have, but which I’m better off accepting that I probably will never have. I’m aware that this is largely a self-fulfilling prophecy, but I’ve reached the point of emotional fatigue that I just don’t care enough to worry about it anymore. Why torment myself over something I have virtually no control over? It’s not as if I can make anyone fall in love with me… and frankly, I’m sick of trying.
I was in love once, and it was great–but it ended. And now, all things considered, I think my life will go much more smoothly if I just accept that it will probably never happen again. Not because of fate, or karma, or what have you, but just because I’m past caring about the whole ridiculous process of “finding someone.” It’s all just too much of a burden for me to want to bother doing it anymore. In every dating situation I’ve ever been in, I have inevitably invested far more time, energy, and emotion into trying to attract and hold the girl’s interest than she ever bothers returning. Based on my experience, “dating” is basically an unspoken game of Simon Says, in which I’m supposed to figure out the “right” things to do or say to keep the girl I’m with “entertained,” or to hold her interest. I can only be myself, and based on the evidence, that isn’t good enough. At this point, I’m not sure which is worse: asking for a date and being rejected, or asking and being accepted–and realizing that I’ll have to “play the game” once again, to try and figure out why the girl I’m with is regarding me with all the interest she might show a wadded-up sock… which is what they all seem to do.
In short, I’m sick of the entire concept of “romantic love”–sick of pining for it, sick of seeking it out, sick of not finding it, and sick of worrying about why I can’t seem to find it. Therefore, I think the most sensible solution is to not look anymore–and, hopefully, I’ll eventually reach the point where I don’t even want to look. Basically, the choice comes down to familiar loneliness, or the constant turbulence of trying to figure out how to catch the interest of each and every woman I find myself out on a date with. I’ll take loneliness… at least it’s consistent.
So, to me, the answer is no: love is not “worth it.” I’ll find my own ways to be happy, without having to constantly worry about what someone else wants from me. That’ll just have to be good enough.
yes. anyone who asks this question has either been hurt very deeply or never loved at all. instead of proving why its worth it i ask you to prove why it’s not. G’head anyone that doesn’t fit into the afformentioned groups. Try.
I always feel bad when I see/hear people (usually those who’ve been hurt) asking questions like “is love worth it,” because I tend to be very sympathetic to people in need, but the answer is yes, it is. Part of our need for it is cultural, and part biological - humans are in general very social creatures - but the fact to me is that there’s nothing like loving another person. I don’t just mean that romantically; I’d say I love my close friends as well. But amazing things tend to happen - you learn things about yourself and, at least from personal experience, you make connections of a depth that you didn’t know were possible, and then with time they continually get deeper and more remarkable. Love is not something I’d suggest anyone try to go without.
Wether or not love is worth it to me depends on what is going on in my life at the moment. For the last, oh, year & a half to 3 years: no, it hasn’t been worth it. For the 3 years before that (the first 3 years with my ex wife) it definitely was worth it.
Right now I’m seeing someone new so I’ll say yes, it is.
I know, you want to know if it’s worth it over all. Damn, that’s hard to say. I can relate to everything that Calredic has said. I accepted that I would be alone. OK, I’m going to live another 35 years and I will be single all that time. OK. I wasn’t happy about it, but I accepted it. I found that I could live with the love I get from my friends, my dog, my family and myself. I was very lonely but I could live with it.
Now I’m seeing a woman who says she’s crazy about me. It’s nice. So far she seems to be a wonderful person with a beautiful heart. We feel completely comfortable together. Chances are that it will end within a couple months (statistically speaking), but we might end up spending the rest of our lives together. I’ll see how long it lasts.
Still there. I’ve lost a lot of weight again, and we both appreciate my more svelte form, but he always responded, regardless. If you are willing to recognize that some things about attraction are physical, and some are not, then it becomes okay to balance them out over time. As long as you keep the connection, the passion and attraction stay, too. (That other thread is a case in point - there’s a lack of connection there, and a dearth of passion, and that is a relationship injury, not an actual balanced healthy relationship! Counseling would be my first advice.) And now that we have kids, I get that rush from seeing him being a dad, too.