I have a tendency to skim/pay little attention, however, I encounter all kinds of unusual behavior, if you are attractive {not even necessarily dreamily handsome, just, sane healthy, pleasant} it could be “the glad eye” “hello sailor” type of thing?
Toss a wadded up ball of paper at him. If he ducks like a quack, he’s a quack.
To me that brings up a red flag about as big as the former Soviet Union. It’s like going to the podologist and he shows you his bunions, would you find that normal? It can work as a way to help build rapport, but… is she using it that way or is she using it for something else?
That made my week! 
If I sought treatment for bunions, and had told the doctor at length how painful the bunions were and how negatively they were affecting my life, and we both agreed that it was a good thing for me to separate from my bunions and move on, and we worked toward that goal for weeks or months, and then one day I came in and announced that I’d decided to give my bunions another chance, and see if maybe things would be better between me and my bunions from now on, then his pulling off a shoe to show me the damage caused by his bunions and asking if I really wanted to wait until my bunions got that bad wouldn’t seem that outrageous. Plus I guess the doctor is gay in this scenario, so there’s a possibility he just wants me really bad.
If I were the OP I would think very hard about whether or not this thread is a defense against following the counselor’s advice.
From the information in the OP all I know for sure is that OP thinks that the counselor is suggesting that his relationship is unhealthy
This tells me nothing about what the counselor is actually saying. This only tells me how the OP perceives what she is saying. He obviously doesn’t like it. Now this could be because she actually has an attitude. Or it could mean that she is highlighting harmful things in OPs relationship and our OP is trying to defend himself against the truth by calling her a quack.
The above quotes from the counselor aren’t direct quotes. The OP is saying they describe the counselor’s tune or attitude. “Why would you want to be with her” could be a question that she asked after the OP described something harmful his girlfriend did. For example:
OP: “She kicked me in the head and I hate her”
Counselor: “Why would you want to be with a person that kicks you in the head”
In this context, the counselor’s remarks would be totally legitimate. In fact, getting the OP to think about why he wants to be with his girlfriend should be one of the main goals of counseling.
The counselor could very well be a quack. But I can’t make that conclusion based on the OP’s largely one sided description and the obvious lingering motive he has for not being entirely truthful.
I have no idea if it applies to the OP’s scenario, but in my real life experience when someone in the same unmarried, no-kids, boyfriend-girlfriend context of the OP keeps desperately trying to hang onto a not that great relationship it’s usually because they do not want to give up the sex/intimacy they are getting.
A little bit of even OKish sex will make people put up with a huge amount of dysfunctional shit.
Well, my GF isn’t physically or verbally abusive, I can tell you that.
My original intent for seeing her was to deal with some of the anxiety I was having from being in a serious relationship for over a decade. Sure, I’ve been in casual relationships since then, but they didn’t involve any serious emotions like the ones I’m dealing with now. Emotions that stirred up a lot of very ominous feelings coming from my failed marriage so long ago. REALLY don’t want to go through that shit again.
The should “I be with her, should I not be with her” was never supposed to be apart of the conversation. And even if it were, for her to imply that I shouldn’t be with her with out ever having actually met her, seemed unprofessional to me.
But again, I’m not a counselor, so what do I know?
No person who knows me would expect me to accurately interpret signals, but is she hitting in you?
This seems an odd position to take WRT someone whom you are paying for advice about dealing with a relationship and the emotions you have about it. All she has to go on is what you are telling her about the other person and your take on her advice is “I don’t want your opinion about staying in the relationship and I don’t want you judging her behavior. You’ve never met her.”
What exactly do you want from your therapist? It certainly does not seem to be relationship advice, which is going to be difficult for her to work around if the anxiety you are seeking to address is centered on that relationship.
Ya know, sometimes I wish my therapist would take a stand and say “Your partner’s behavior is bullshit. Normal people don’t do that.” That’s a clarifying answer, the sort that we crave when we go into therapy. She doesn’t do that… she asks “how do you feel about that behavior, and what do you think you should do about it?” Then we form kind of a plan about how to deal with that. (I know she thinks I should leave my wife, but to my credit, she’s never suggested anything of the sort - only to strongly consider how her actions affect me, and behave accordingly. If I asked her “should I leave my wife” she’d break it down into actions and consequences and make no recommendations).
But when they start persuading you toward certain actions, that’s over the line. When they start sharing their own problems, that’s over the line. And the statement “you get what you deserve if (whatever)”, that kind of judgment is absolutely over the line. It’s hard to find a good therapist, but part of that process is firing them when they aren’t performing. Sounds like you need to reflect on that for a bit.
You’re not paying your counselor to hear about her problems and from what she been saying to you it sound she is a quack ! If I were you I would try to find someone to see.
Am I understanding this correctly? You came to the counselor because you were having anxiety over your relationship, but you do not think the questions of “should I be with my girlfriend” should be a part of your conversation with your counselor?
She doesn’t have to meet her at all to form an opinion. How you think and feel about your girlfriend is all she really needs to know.
You keep saying she implies that you shouldn’t be with her. Does she imply that, or is she just asking questions to get you to think about whether you should be with your girlfriend? Since the relationship is causing you distress, I think its a very important question.
Random internet stranger here. Couple of thoughts. First of all, you aren’t paying your counselor to be your BFF that agrees with everything you say. Perhaps the counselor is trying to get you to think more fully about the health of your relationship and you are pushing back?
As a general statement, it’s not usually good for a counselor to go into their personal lives. I’ve had a few different counselors over the years and none of them ever told me about their marital problems.
And lastly, if the counselor isn’t your cup of tea, it’s no harm to find another. Sometimes you just don’t click with the counselor. Just be sure you’re not looking for a “yes man”, though.
Most of the self disclosure my psychologist used was more to establish rapport. It was generally superficial. Later on, this part of the session leaned more talking to me about my interests. A lot of times, I think it was to distract me. He was really big into evidence-based treatments, so I trust that, even when I didn’t see the point, he had one.
He never once gave me advice on what to do outside of homework assignments, though. And I definitely would have told him if I thought he was. I was not shy about disagreeing, and he would always take the time to explain or work with me.
If you feel you can’t tell your therapist no, that’s not a good thing.
This is quite an interesting thread. Normally when you come to the Dope for relationship advice, overwhelmingly you get “dump her and move on” advice. So here you are coming and asking about your therapist, whom you’ve sought out professional relationship advice from. It sounds like you wanted the teeming millions to consistently tell you to dump your therapist, because she is telling you to dump your girlfriend.
Listen to your therapist. She’s better tuned into you than we will ever be.
Shocking! I tell you, shocking!
This. I got better results from therapy when I asserted and said “y’know, this cognitive-behavioral therapy deal isn’t doing it for me. Are we doing it wrong or do you have any other ideas?”
Indeed, it’s pleasantly meta. Pretty much any thread here involving any kind of displeasure with another person (whether it be an SO, family, or a professional, as in this case) is predictably met with: CUT THEM OUT OF YOUR LIFE FOREVER!
Therapy is not some magic cure for everything and therapists are mostly shooting in the dark. Sometimes they can help, sometimes not. Not every therapist can help you and you can’t work with just anyone. You need to find someone you can feel comfortable with.
This is important, don’t just get someone who agrees with you.
Yup. This is the biggest thing you need to do.
If you think that it’s weird for her to discuss her relationships, TELL HER and ask why.