Is my mother always going to make me feel like I'm 12 years old?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

What others have said about living your own life, seeking your OWN approval, accepting that you may never please your parents and that’s o.k. – and it’s their problem if they don’t like what you do, not yours.

That said, regardless of what we do or say, there’s always a part of us that seeks the approval of our parents, or whoever is in that role. We grow up as a part of a group, and a spend our youth in a particular role. In order to really grow up we have to make our own lives and our own role in them, but there’s always that little piece inside that has other ideas.

I’ll give you an example from my own life. I grew up in a non-toxic family. Sure, we had our issues, but nobody was destructive. I am the younger of two daughters. I have married, had children of my own, have a good-paying job and can run my own show. But. Many years ago, we were gathered at my older sister’s house for a family dinner. I was helping her with the tasks related to getting dinner on the table. Some trivial decision needed to be made; I was perfectly able to make that decision, and had my sister and mother not been there, I would have. But at that moment, almost automatically, I ASKED MY SISTER WHAT TO DO. She told me, and I did what she said. Why? Just because. Had my mother been in the room, I’d have asked her.

When I eventually got into the computer field, and was quite pleased with myself at having learned to make that machine do (mostly) what I wanted it to, I recalled how when I was a small child and computers were only big fancy machines, my father was awed by a neighbor’s daughter who had learned how to “talk” to a machine.

From the other side of the fence, now, let me also say that it is very, very, very hard as a parent to NOT want to tell your children what to do, even when you know they are grown up and that it is not good to interfere. Can’t tell you how many times I have not thought well of some guy one of my grown-up daughters was seeing and had to hold my tongue (almost literally) about it. Fortunately, in each case she decided on her own that he wasn’t right for her. Then I had to simply concur that if that was her feeling then she should follow her instincts, although I sure wanted to say, “Great! He was no good for you anyway!”

If she continues to pressure you to do things you don’t want to do, or are not ready for, you must come up with a response that will tell her how you feel, or will change the subject. Then repeat the exact same response EVERY time she does this.

Her: “You really should get married. What will the family say?”

You: “What’s important is how I feel about it, not what the family says. Say, what do you think about <insert something relevant to a subject you both like>.”

Her: “But Aunt Mabel will think…”

You: “What’s important is how I feel about it, not Aunt Mabel. I read a really good book last week; you might enjoy it, it’s called…”

Lather, rinse, repeat.

22

I sent her back a very long e-mail. Without attacking or being mean or harsh, I told her everything that I’ve left unsaid and then some in my life. I told her the things she did really did hurt me, even though she doesn’t think so, and explained why. I told her if all those people weren’t willing to accept me, that was their loss.

And I told her if she wants to have me as an adult daughter and accept me the way I am, I am willing to accomodate. But I won’t change myself simply because other people think that’s the right way. I won’t make hasty decisions simply because it’s the way it’s always been done.

Judging by past experiences, none of it will actually sink in. But I’ve made the decision to consciously stop looking for her approval. It’s obvious I’m not going to get it, and if I ever get it, it will be a lucky surprise but unexpected.

I’ve read every post in this thread avidly, as well as all the other threads I’ve made about my mother. I have to thank you all…it really is a different feeling to have outsiders commenting on it. People who are not directly involved often see clearer.

23

Instead of feeling the almighty weight of guilt that a mom can throw down on a person and my mom was a catholic nun and Irish, so’s I knows Guilt., feel very sorry for her that she is so fearful of what everyone will think and talk about. She hasn’t grown up into her own person and that is a great loss.

View it as your parental unit is emotionally damaged. It helps and then make the promise that you will never treat another human being (related or not) like that.

Your mother gave you life but that does not mean she has the right to control it for the rest of it.

Once I gave up looking for approval and ignoring the guilt, I have to say that my conversations with my mom became almost like a parody and enjoyable (for me. For her, bahhhh, that’s another thing to worry about for her: my impertinence.)

24

My dad still treats me like a little kid. My mom, however, is better at treating me like I am at least somewhat of an adult, sometimes.
I am 29, married, own a house, cars etc…Parents, what can you do??

25

Well Aanamika, I definitely don’t come from a toxic family (although we are a bit erratic and dysfunctional but it hasn’t dissolved into toxicity) and I love and get along fairly well with my mother on a day-to-day basis but I also have a really hard time communicating with her.

  1. Some people are NEVER satisfied and are NEVER happy. These people, even when they are pleased are unable to be content and they are unable to project satisfaction with others. My mother is one of these people. My sister and I have done EVERYTHING in our power to satisfy our parents. We have attended the schools they asked us to attend. We have acquisced to the yuppie Indian-favored professions they consider appropriate. We even date Indian guys (my sister is getting married inside our own Indian community no less). They routinely get complimented on how obedient and nice we are as kids by other mealy-mouthed Indians.

My father is overjoyed and constantly tells us how proud he is of us.

My mother just grimly smiles and says something negative.

I love my mother dearly, she loves me, and I still try to make my parents (both) happy but I’ve just accepted that my mother will never smile, jump up and down and be happy for me when I accomplish something. It’s the way she was raised by her own toxic parents. The fact that she isn’t completely toxic herself is enough for me.

  1. Some people are incapable of learning how to communicate with people in an adult manner. The way my father explained it to me is this-there are three types of communication-adult (based on logic), parent (dictatorial), child (obedient). At some point a parent has to try to learn how to communicate with their child on the basis of logic rather than laying down the law. Some people learn this. Others don’t. I mean, my own mother hasn’t. And she communicates like a freaking parent to my own grownass father!!! It annoys the shit out of all of us. Again, I know that it’s based on her upbringing but it still fucking sucks.

Your mother may be one or both of these. I really understand where you’re coming from culturally in terms of having a hard time trying not to gain your parents’ approval given how much filial piety and the family is drummed into our heads. I don’t know what you should do but at the minimum you should identify what type of person your mother is and how she communicates and adjust your expectations accordingly. Sometimes I still get disappointed but mostly I let it roll off my back. My attitude these days is that I have done all I can do-my duty, my ability to make me AND the people I love happy and there’s nothing more after that.

26

If only more people in bad situations would understand this. Good for you.

Yes, that is exactly it. Why are so many mothers like this? Always worried about how things look, rather than living how THEY want to. My mom once started crying because I said that Mr. S and I would not pose and smile in a picture with my sister and her jackass husband. What fakeness! Her position: “What will people think when I don’t have a picture of my children and their husbands together?” WTF? Who the hell analyzes the kind of family pictures you have on your walls (if any) and judges you by it?? I might add here that even my mother did not like the jackass, yet she wanted to have the fake family photo to “prove” that everything was hunky-dory. Or something.

Clearly all mothers are insane.

27

I don’t think all mothers are insane.

I think menopause hits a bunch of them really hard and the rest of them have never thought for themselves but are following tradition and duty.

I also think that the majority of moms are doing what their moms did and don’t think about how things could be different. They are afraid to think for themselves lest they let down their mother. See, the guilt never ends. It’s hereditary or genetic. It’s farked up is what it is.

Hell, my Grandmother would be 115 and she’s been gone nearly 20 years, and my mom (79) still is like a little 12 year old and doing things the way they should be done and worried about what people think.
Alot of it, I think, has to do with the old mentality of a woman is suppose to be married, have kids and take care of a husband and damn her own interests and personality.

I don’t know about you ladies, but when I hear “She’ll never catch a husband.” or " If only he were married…" or “If he would just find a nice wife…” etc, it makes me cringe right down to my bones. As if Marriage is the End All Be All problem fixer.

Yes, marriage will make Suzy happy and complete. Never mind the fact that she put herself through college, has an apartment and a good assortment of decent friends and a job she is happy in. If she isn’t married, she is invisible or somehow less worthy. And if she doesn’t have kids, wellllllll, she is not complete.

28

Oh, I should point out this is part of the problem. I was adopted, and she constantly makes snide references to my real mother, her younger sister. And says I have her genes.

29

That is truly evil.

You have my condolences.

30

Thank you. Just a little background…My mother was seduced by her teacher in high school, and had me illegitimately, and my (adopted) mother has always been convinced I’m going to follow in her path. Used to be that she thought I’d have a kid out of wedlock myself, but now that I’m 29 and show no sign, now it’s that I’m going to be a failure in life like she is.

31

Unfortunately, that’s because their mothers made them so. Break the cycle. I was raised by my crazy grandmother. She was abused, and abusive, my mother was abusive.
I made a conscious effort to break the cycle.
When I was 17 I took two mottos as my own, and have kept them to this day: “This above all else: to thine own self be true.” and “We are all responsible for our own actions.”
Choose your own morality. Your mother did not, she adopted someone else’s and now want’s you to do the same.
Tell her this in no uncertian terms, then hold your ground.
Easy to say, hard to do, but if you aren’t 12 years old, its not just your right to be treated like an adult, but your responsibility to act the part.

32

This reminds me of something the mother of a friend of mine did lately. She’s 18, high school graduate, going to college in the fall but living with her parents until then. She took a day trip out to visit her boyfriend and see an evening show with him a couple of weeks ago. But the show ran late and the weather turned bad - thick fog, rain, and heavy wind - and she isn’t a very good driver. Her boyfriend offered to let her stay over - he has a roommate and two other guys living in the apartment, so there would have been very little possibility of hanky-panky. But her mother, citing “what people would think” if she slept over in a BOY’s apartment, made her come home that night. She made it, thank god, but a trip that usually takes less than one hour took more than two.

My mom? Totally not insane. Yeah, it’s pretty awesome. :cool:

We won’t talk about her mom, though.

33

short answer: yes, she will, at least in some aspects.

Longer answer: it gets better because YOU grow away from the need. I, too, had toxic parents–cold, controllong dad and even colder but more subtle mother. Two of the most narcisstic people I have ever met. But they’re not evil–just people.

I will be 43 next week. I have a cool-ish relationship with both parents. Thank God we share a liberal outlook on politics and are all Dems-we mostly bash Bush when together–it’s the only thing we really can talk about and share. I am the only one to “give” them grandkids-whom they ignore (but want the photos for the wallet whip out to “show them off”). Having my own kids has made me forgive some of what my parents did (it ain’t an easy job, raising kids) and also make me deeply angry at other stuff they did (not good parents, let’s leave it at that).

So, bottomline, it’s a mixed bag–but I do think it is up to you (as unfair as that is) to just let it go. You don’t have to let her go–just find a way to disconnect the need to a greater extent than you have. That little girl inside you? The 12 and under one who is hurt and puzzled and anxious? Mother that child-do it for yourself and you won’t need your Mom’s approval so much. How would you counsel a hurting friend? You wouldn’t dump on her, right? So, turn off the criticizing voice in your head and be a friend and Mom to yourself.

Sorry if this sounds like New Age psycho-babble, but it worked for me.

34

What’s your relationship like with your bio-mom?

Look, you can’t pet an alligator and expect it to purr. If your mom is causing you stress and angst in your life, either accept it and let it go in one ear and out the other, or cut off contact. If you can’t change the people around you, change the people around you.

It sounds like you’re building a good life despite your folks. There’s no law that says you have to maintain contact with them just because they’re Your Parents. That Honoring Thy Father and Mother bit goes the other way, you know. They have to love and honor you, too.

35

My bio-mom has two sons from when she finally got married and runs off periodically, only to return and mooch money off one of her sisters. The main reason I try not to take any money from my family, even when they want to.

They don’t honor me, you’re right. Love? What kind of love has expectations that are so far removed from what I want?

And I love the alligator analogy. I’m going to try and let it slide in one ear and out the other. I’ve done my bit by renewing the relationship time and time again.

36

If you can let it slide, good. If not, IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT. You have tried numerous times and it may not work this time. One definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result.

Accept the possibility the failing is not on your part, but theirs. Then shut the door and work on having a happy life.