Ok so here is the thing my mom is currently driving me crazy, am turning 16 years in a week from now but this mom is driving me insane. Ok so it started about a year ago where i would want to go out with my friends and i would ask my dad and he would be completely okay with it then my mom would somehow manage to make him change his mind, then there was with the pocket money and this was when she completely refused to give me my pocket money at all and in all of this i could not tell my dad anything because he works very far from here and comes back like every two months. This woman is driving me o crazy that it is becoming very hard for me to be able to concentrate on anything little thing that i do. i can’t even do my studies for a whole 20 mins without thinking about what she is doing. she is driving insane and i really do not know what to do anymore. I feel very confused.
However, I’m not entirely clear on what the problem is here. I wish to point out a few things you may or may not want to hear:
If your dad works far away, such that’s only home every 2 months or so, then your mother is your custodial parent and responsible for you day-to-day. If you want to go somewhere you need to ask her. Asking dad - because I suspect you knew mom would say no - is dirty pool. Getting him to change his mind is probably no more difficult than your mom calling him up and saying I’d rather Daniella not go out with her friends. He’s going to go with mom because she’s living with you every day and he’s not and he knows he not as informed about your daily life as she is.
Going to dad instead of mom was doing an end-run around mom. It doesn’t matter what reason she said no in the first place, doing that convinced you are not trustworthy and responsible. You may have thought you were being clever but it’s a trick every one of us has tried to play on our parents and thus not at all original. Also, it doesn’t work.
Attempting to play one parent off another is guaranteed to result in more restrictions on you.
I really don’t get this “pocket money” thing - is she withholding an allowance of some sort? Did you hand over your money to her for safekeeping?
I think General Questions is the wrong forum for this so I will be notifying a mod to move this to a more appropriate forum for you.
What Broomstick said. You really can’t be asking someone who isn’t even currently living in the house whether it is okay to go out of a given night. Maybe your mom knows more about your friends and their behavior, or your behavior when you are around them, than your dad who is miles away. Or maybe she knows how well-behaved YOU have been at school and around the house, and thereby how deserving you are of going out on any particular night.
Maybe you should consider behaving, being kind and polite and helpful and responsible around your mom, and then she will feel more inclined to trust you. This happens with nearly every teenager, so don’t feel you are alone. The obvious answer to your dilemma seems to be the one NO teenager ever feels inclined to do.
As to whether you should be able to get money from her for going out, maybe you do not have a good record of spending your money appropriately, or maybe there are some financial hard times going on and your mom really would like you to be more frugal in your spending, but you just want to do what you want to do and expect the pocketbook to be always open.
Hey, I’m old enough to be your grandfather! But, I clearly remember being 16 and having 16 year old girlfriends. Here’s what worked for us back in the Stone Age. Since parents are so powerful (they are the Gods of cars, money, and not being grounded), I tried really hard to be super friendly and funny. Cool, Mom, let’s hang out. Hey, want to have some help in the kitchen? Eventually, they actually like you and do things like co-sign for a used car and let you go to Woodstock, or whatever. Now, in the meantime, between the being all nice and the actual payoff where they like you instead of bum you out, we got away with everything we could without being caught. But, it doesn’t take that long to get on a parents good side, it’s totally worth it, and often you find out that they wanted to do the same things you are doing when they were young … and their parents were just as strict, even more so. Find common ground, be patient (I know it’s hard) and try to be nice. If you’re cool and easy to get along with, they will start to be the same.
This is a good skill to master, because the minute you have to get a real job, you’ll be kissing somebody’s behind eight hours a day. At least if your parents start to think you’re cool, they’re like, you know, parents … they love you (presumably), may as well make them like you, too.
When you say “somehow manage to make him change his mind,” you’re implying that she is using some sort of manipulation or trickery to do so. She may simply be making him aware of some information that he did not know about, like that you have a huge project due on Monday that you haven’t even started. This can happen even if the parents are living the same household. It’s more likely to happen if one parent is out of town.
You tried to be sneaky/clever and got busted. That’s NOT your mom’s fault. Take it as a lesson learned, don’t do it again, and move on.
As for the rest–you sound pretty stressed out. That’s certainly understandable. Is there someone you can talk to? Maybe a school counselor or something?
I was a 15 year old girl once, too, and my mom was terrible. I got a little older, and she miraculously got easier to live with. I hope the same happens for you.
(And after you turn 16, you can work for your own money.)
At 15 years old, if your Mom’s pissing you off, it means she’s doing a good job. Seriously, I know it’s hard. But are you being honest here, and with yourself? Are you doing things so she has to come down on you, like sneaking out or partying? Skipping school? Earning trust means that you have to be responsible. Maybe if you’d done (or hadn’t done) x, you could’ve done what your Dad okay’d. I suspect you know what that is.
It’s tough for your Mom, too, especially raising a kid pretty much by herself. I’m sure it’s breaking her heart to have you hate her. Is there any way to find some common ground? Maybe some counseling for BOTH of you? Maybe if she saw that you’re making an effort, she’d relent on some things.
I’m the mom of a 15 yo. He’s a boy, but most of the issues are the same. You say she won’t let you go out with your friends. I’m not sure how you go about asking her if you can go out, but that makes a difference for some parents. When I allow my son to go out with his friends, it is when he has a specific plan and tells me what it is. For example, when he says he and Hayden (a friend I’ve met) want to walk up to the ice cream place after school, then go to the comic book shop for a while and then Hayden’s brother will pick them up and drive him home by 6pm, I say yes. If he said he was going to hang out after school at the shopping center with some kids I don’t know, I would say no. Also, what about having your friend over to your house so she can meet them? My son has much more freedom when I know who he’s hanging out with and I know the family.
As for not giving you your pocket money, I assume you mean an agreed upon amount of money like an allowance? Is she withholding it thinking if you don’t have money you won’t go out? or does she think you spend it on the wrong things? I’m not really sure how to hand this because I don’t withhold my son’s allowance, plus he does yard work for neighbors and has his own money. Maybe ask her very nicely is you two can discuss these issues. If you act like an adult about it (frustrating and hard, I know) she may well be more inclined to say yes.
Hi Daniella. I’m your dad.
Ok, not really, but I am the father of a frustrated teenager.
And like your father l sometimes tell my kid it’s OK to do something, but then my wife will step in and through some mysterious witching power, she wil somehow change my mind.
Actually, what she does is point out to me that our teenage son is behind in his studies, or has a project due tomorrow, or some other situation that I wasn’t aware of, but should have checked before telling our son that it’s OK for him to go out with his friends or play Wii, or whatever.
Now maybe your mother is a tyrant, but I’m guessing that she’s more likely to be a typical concerned parent. She’s on your case and in your face because she’s worried that you’re not growing up right. And she worries about you because she loves you.
You can’t stand her now, but in a couple of decades you will be her.
And heed the words of SirGalahad. That is sage advice.
Go back and read **Broomstick{/b}'s post again. She nailed it.
If you were a 16 year old girl who DIDN’T “hate” her mother, I’d be a bit suspicious.
And, just to repeat he major point:
Both of your parents were once teenagers
They both tried to play one parent off the other.
Didn’t work for them, either.
All you’re going to accomplish by trying it again is an even shorter leash and, eventually, your father is going to do the parent’s version of that game:
“You want to go hang with your friends? Go ask your mother”.
The big difference is that they can make it stick - father really can refuse to get involved.
And don’t even try the “She said it was OK!” trick when, in fact, she didn’t.
Your parents know each other pretty well, and that not only won’t work, but will get you slapped down hard.
Now is the time when you could wish your parents had divorced and hated each other - sometimes, those parents CAN be played against each other. Or so it seems. They are actually using the kid as a weapon. You really wouldn’t enjoy it.
5 years from now, I predict that your mother will suddenly become your best friend, and turn into this really cool woman who knows all about your bitchiness, but loves you anyway.
Again, Dopers show sincerity and sympathy, which is admirable, but y’all might want to keep a running total of
[ol]
[li]First time posts, that are[/li][li]About deep personal, family or relationship trauma, and[/li][li]Go into intricate personal detail, in which[/li][li]The OP ever replies, let alone[/li][li]Ever posts again.[/li][/ol]
I suspect the count of those is vanishingly near zero.
Maybe some of these posts are genuine and the OP merely reads and moves on. But up against the alternatives - that the OP is genuine but too shy to ever come back, even to read, or that it’s yet another drive-by trolling - wouldn’t it be better to reserve the discussion to follow at least one response from the OP?
I don’t see the harm in treating the OP with a compassionate response. If someone is trolling or faking or whatever making the sincere reply does not harm me. If it is legit but the OP doesn’t want to reply for whatever reason it might help him/her.
The sincere reply has the greatest chances of either no harm or some help, so why not?
If we didn’t get about three a week, many of which turn into persistent threads, I wouldn’t speak up.
Maybe it doesn’t matter. Maybe we’re all drive-by posters from some perspective. I just squirm a bit watching well-intended board mates get [possibly | probably | maybe] trolled.
Dude, chill. Maybe this is a troll, maybe the kid has other things to do with her Sunday afternoon evening than hang on the computer awaiting our wisdom with bated breath. A kid that age would almost certainly have homework due today that she’d put off and tv to watch, then she has to sleep and go to school. And hell, if my mom had caught me on the computer talking about how much I hated her guts, I’d have been booted offline for at least the rest of the day. (Not that we had the interwebs back when I was her age, of course. We barely had phone cords that would reach from the living room to a bathroom or closet where we could have a little privacy.)
And if it is a trolling, what skin is it off anyone’s ass? It doesn’t cost anyone anything but a few minutes to offer the kid a few kind words and a bit of advice, and that’s all anyone’s offering. It’s not like people are getting all whipped up and invested and offering money or rides or help getting emancipated. The people who are so saving with their time and kind words that it matters to them if this is a troll aren’t posting in this thread anyway. Besides, even if this kid who hates her mom isn’t real, there are lots more who are and some of them might find this thread and get some help.
The first thing I always think of when these “Dear Abby” threads are started by purported “Troubled Teens” is that it’s some greasy loser living in his parents guest house, who gets off pretending to be a confused little girl, but … I don’t honestly care, because the act of posting a reply is cathartic and it amuses me, and furthermore, any number of lurkers or even members may be entangled in similar crises, so I’m not just directing my response to the alleged “16-year old”.
Seriously, I know it’s hard. But are you being honest here, and with yourself? Are you doing things so she has to come down on you, like sneaking out or partying? Skipping school? Earning trust means that you have to be responsible. Maybe if you’d done (or hadn’t done) x, you could’ve done what your Dad okay’d. I suspect you know what that is.