O my god... I dunno what to do

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I know I’m going to be not agreed with on this, because many of the Dopers here are older, with children. But I can’t take living with my mom anymore. I know she is out for my best, but she goes about it the wrong way. She says I don’t respect her, and she makes it sound like i’m the worst daughter in the world sometimes. And then she wants to brag about me, when I get my 4.37 GPA’s in school.

She never just listens. That’s all I want. And she wonders why I don’t talk to them. They can’t listen without lecturing. I know my Bf and I just broke up. Let me deal with it for a second, b4 you start throwing crap in my face. I’m only 16, I will make mistakes, I’m not stupid, not as stupid as you think. She thinks she knows me. But I don’t talk to her. Never, so she knows nothing. Then she accuses me of lying, about stupid things. Like when I get home from work. She nitpicks at everything, when I’m not perfect, and she isn’t either. And now she’s threatning not to let me go to prom. She says i’m blowing her off. I can’t take it anymore. I want to go to Emory University after high school. But I don’t know if I can now, because I want to be as less dependent as possible on her and my step dad, but it’s just really expensive. So now I may have to go to a school in florida. Because I can get many scholarships. She’s starting to drive me soooooo crazy. School is stressing enough, why can’t she leave me alone. As if IB wasn’t enough to make me want to jump off a bridge, now i have her making me want to just not freaking live anymore

I don’t know any of you guys, but I just figured it would be a good place to talk to someone about. Any help would do…

Jenny*

2

My relationship with my parents is kinda similar in some ways.

They would hold be up to impossibly high expectations, act indifferent if I met them–but make me feel like dirt if I didn’t. They didn’t do this to any horribly extreme degree…I have my own reasons for not loving my family. But I do understand that facet of it with sincerity.

From the moment I turned about age 13 or so–I was determined to get as far away from them as possible. And to be as independent as possible so that I could stay as far away from them as I could. I waited 5 long years…literally counting days at some points.

In the end–I did move out. But only then did I realize how immature I still was. The value of our parents holds a very precarious position in our psyche. Especially when your relationship with them teeters so much between being negative–and being tolerable. As mine has. I moved away to an environment I was completely unfamiliar with–and was so depressed that I felt like I -had- to come back.

I had to lay down everything about how I felt to my parents–to give them that one last chance to really understand me.

They failed. But being the providers they are–I’m still living at home on their paycheck until I get enough savings to move out again later this year. I’m using them. It’s not something I’m terribly proud of…but I never claimed to be a fox of perfect virtue. The main victory to realize is that I will be much more prepared in my mind for the trials ahead of leaving my hometown because of the backstep I made.

You asked for suggestions–so here’s one…follow my example. Talk with your family and remove all doubt in your mind before you make your decisions. Only then will they be made with perfect clarity.

-Ashley

3

For what it’s worth, I know about that sort of thing. I have the same problem only with my father. He doesn’t take an interest in anything I care to do and he belittles it seemingly at every opportunity. I’m not saying he’s doing maliciously, he just doesn’t seem to realize how his actions (or often lack thereof) affects me. Take my high school graduation for instance. I worked my butt off for four years to make the high honor roll for each semester and yet come graduation, he didn’t say one word to me during or after the event because I didn’t make valedictorian. Got the “you could have done better, you’re not living up to your potential” speech later.

So yeah, I can sympathize as to what you must be enduring. I suppose that parents in these situations think what they are doing is for our benefit, but they just don’t see how destructive and hurtful they are being. I guess I don’t have a lot of advice to give. What I did was just ride it out. I didn’t argue back, I didn’t blow up at him, and (perhaps wrongly) I didn’t call his attention to what he was doing. I figured I was going to college out of state next term and then I won’t have to deal with him, so why cause a big fight? I don’t know if that the best idea, but I suppose things might improve when I’m not living under the same roof as he.

I hope any of this is some help, but I’m still trying to figure out all the answers myself.

4

Everybody goes through this to some degree. For me it wasn’t quite so bad, but there was something that happened I would like to tell you about.

I lived at home until I was 21. It was then that I moved into an apartment close to college campus and lived there for a year, and that is when I noticed a few things. First, my attitude about my parents changed. The things they always were always harping on me about made sense. Second, and more importantly, their attitude toward me changed. In their eyes, I was an independant adult. That meant they could no longer tell me where to go and what to do. I wasn’t a little boy any more, and they started treating me like an independant adult… even when I moved back in with them (for financial reasons).

Just keep in mind that your parent’s perception of you will most likely change once you move out, but until then, parents will be parents. Just try to wait it out until you can leave.

5

Just out of curiosity, how do you get a 4.37 G.P.A.?

6

That is probably a weighted GPA

Anyway, I am 17, and I can say that I am going through some pretty similar stuff too. Parents always claim that they want the besyt for you, but it is hard to tell what “the best” is in their minds. OK, take this for example. I was going to go to a movie with my best friend, and it started at 9pm. Well, I just moved in with my dad, so he explained the 11 o’clock curfew. He said, “I want you home by 11 in most instances, but there will be an exception tonight, snice thee movie won’t be over until after 11”. So I went to go get my friend, and it turns out taht the movie is sold out, so we rent a movie instead. I proceed to stay out until after 11 (11:23 to be exact) and he gets pissed at me, because I didn’t see the movie. I am sure that would make since to some parents, but come on…

Anyway, I am sure that most, if not all teenagers will have their fair share of shady moments with the parents. Good luck with all that…

7

LilCutie, hang in there, man! Life gets a LOT better in college!

I’m 35, and amazed daily that I didn’t kill myself while I was in high school…

Thank God that I didn’t! Believe me, whatever troubles you have with your mom right now are going to pass FAST when you graduate and move on to college.

The only advice I can give (recognizing that I don’t know you or your situation or your mom) is to tough it out until you graduate, go to college (living AWAY from your parents! Don’t go to a college near enough that you have to live with your 'rents!), and get on with your life!

Be FIRM about moving out to go to college! You (and every other person your age) need to have the experience of living on your own! It’s an eye-opener, in many ways…

[college teacher (that’s my job!) hat on] a 4.37 GPA is pretty damn good! Well done! Be proud of that! (CnoteChris, some schools use non-standard GPA systems, IE: 4.0= A, 4.5= A+, etc.)[college teacher hat off]

LilCutie, your mom loves you, wants the best for you, and is REALLY REALLY afraid of what will happen to you out in the real world. Try to understand her fear, and make it as easy as possible for her to let you go…

8

Just to add a little to that. Most AP ((Advanced Placement)) courses that are offered to high schoolers are weighted. A = 5, B = 4, etc… My sister graduated with a 4.25 because of this.

To any extent, hang in there LilCutie. I wish I had some advice to give you, but you have my well wishes. As Astroboy said, “Life gets a LOT better in college.” I’m sure it will for you.

Also, be thankful that your mom at least seems to care.

[sub]BTW – Cute name. :slight_smile: [/sub]

9

Just stick it out until you’re 18. Once you’ve moved out, if your parents persist, just pointedly remind them that you don’t have to visit any more. Always works for me. :slight_smile:

10

This may be overly simplistic, but it may be worth taking the time to write your mom (or both parents) a letter in which you calmly and clearly explain why they upset you. Be precise, give clear examples, and suggest ways that all three of you can work on getting better at communicating. It looks like you’ve attempted talking openly with them before, but they didn’t listen. When you write a letter, they don’t have a chouce but to see everything you have to say, with no interruptions or sidetracks or emotions getting in the way.

Thank God I had a pretty good relationship with my parents, but I can remember both me and my sister resorting to letter-writing when we got too frustrated to trust using our mouths.

At this point, you’ve said that you don’t talk to her, so she knows nothing about the person you are. Take the letter as an opportunity to tell her how you view yourself. It can’t do any harm, and it may force her to consider the world from your perspective. If you’re really willing to give it a shot, and one letter doesn’t seem to make an impact, maybe write notes weekly just to let her know what you’re up to. Two years can seem like infinity, but you will make it through.

It sounds like you’re a good person and a good student. Once you make it to college, you’ll be free.

11

LilCutie,

Hang in there. You are not alone in what you are experiencing with your parents. I went through the same thing with my mother. I am almost 40 now and she’s still the same! I talk to her about once a month and she still can drive me up a tree. I too was very relieved to get away and go to college, and I was lucky to find a job almost right away after graduation, so I haven’t lived with my parents for many years.

The good news for you is that you don’t have too much longer to wait before you can go to college. Stick it out, keep getting those good grades, and don’t get into trouble. That will put you in the best position to be independent as soon as possible.

If you want to go to Emory, get some school loans and go. It is important to go to a school you will really like, and offers courses in a major you are interested in. You can repay the loans once you get out of school and get a job. If you have counselors at your high school, ask them to help you with finding out how you can finance an education at Emory. Emory itself may have some special scholarships and loans too. You say you work in addition to going to school. Great! Save as much of that money as you can for things like books and supplies. Once you are in college, you could take summer school classes to keep yourself at school year-round; that way you wouldn’t have to go home.

Between going to school, working, and researching ways you can fund your college education, that should keep you busy enough that you won’t have much time to sit around at home and be a target for your parents.

Good luck, and just keep looking to the future. That will help you get through today.

12

Moving out is an extreme solution–I can understand how appealing it might seem on some levels, but as you’ve implied, it can also create new difficulties and derail future plans.

After growing up in a household like this, you’ve probably fallen into some patterns and defense mechanisms yourself that aren’t productive and aren’t helping the situation. I’m not blaming you–I’m just saying that maybe there are ways to make this a little better, ways that you can’t see because you’ve been living with their crappy attitudes for so long.

I suggest you get a book on assertiveness. It will help you to deal with their destructive comments and not let them affect you as much as they do right now. It might also suggest some good ways to respond to the barrage of B.S. when it starts flowing. You’d be surprised how well some assertive conversational tactics can stop a negative person in their tracks. When they’re expecting an argument, something like “I’m sorry you feel that way” followed by silence can knock them for a loop. I think “Assertiveness for Dummies” might be a good start (I’m not calling YOU a dummy–it’s just the book title and I think it’s reader-friendly). Use it to get some more tools in your arsenal. More tools for your self-esteem, and more tools for shutting them up when they’re driving you around the bend.

13

At least she brags about you :frowning: When I got a 4.0 gpa in college she said “well I should hope so”… and the only things she tells other people about me are the stories of things I’ve messed up on.

Me, I ran away when I was 17. I honestly think I’d have killed myself if I’d have stayed. It was years before I so much as spent the night at my mom’s house…

Try to hang in there til you’re out of high school though. Parents can be shits. I don’t have any wonderous advice since it took having a kid of my own to make my mom even vaguely pleasant… and that isn’t a route I’d suggest at age 16 heh… but if you can stick it out til you’re out of high school or 18, whichever comes later… you’ll be better off (unless there is physical abuse, in which case get out now)

14

I’m going to second the idea of a letter, but I have some further recommendations.
Be specific, or if you must be general, add specific incidents.
[ul]Don’t say “You’re always putting me down”
Say “Yesterday when you said blah that hurt my feelings”[/ul]
Talk about her actions’ affect on you, rather than accusing them (You already seem to do this well)
[ul]Don’t say “You don’t listen to me”
Say “When you do this, I feel like you aren’t listening to me”[/ul]
Stress what you need from her, rather than telling here what she must do (subtle)
[ul]Don’t say “Give me some time”
Say “I need some time alone before I can talk about this”[/ul]

In other words, be specific and phrase your remarks in terms of yourself, not her.

Another technique I challenge you to use is called “Active Listening” I realize that you need for them to listen to you, but most people don’t really know how to listen, and have to feel like they have been heard before they can listen to you. The other nice side effect to this, is that you are less likely to be bothered by what your mom is saying.

The technique is this: when your mom makes a statement say “So you think/feel/believe” and rephrase what she said. Notice that you are neither agreeing with what she said nor fighting it. At this point, she may say “Yes, that’s right” or she may clarify, restate, or completely change what she said. Your first job is to keep doing this until she finally says “Yes, that’s right” It’s doubtful it will be the first time - we rarely actually say what we want to the first time around. Hypothetical Example:
[ul]“You’re lying! How dare you lie to me!”
“So you think I’m not telling the truth about this?”
“Yes, I know you went out behind my back”
“You believe I went somewhere without telling you?”
“Yes, you and that girlfriend of yours - she’s bad news”
“You don’t like Zyada?”
etc…[/ul] See how the real issue may not be what she first starts talking about? That’s how we function sometime.

Now, you may find that just doing this resolves the issues. But when you get her to commit to a statement (“Yes, that’s right”) that is when you can get her to listen to you. You may only get one thing across so pick your “fight”. Going back to my first statements, be specific, be non-accusatory, talk about how you are affected. The format to use is “The problem is when you blah, I feel/want to blah”
So at the end of the conversation above, you could say “The problem is when you accuse me of lying when I haven’t, I don’t feel like there is any point in trying to be truthful with you” At this point, you will probably go through another round of active listening again - just keep going until she commits and re-iterate what you said before.

I believe if you do this, you will find that you have a much better relationship with your mother.

15

Why do people say your parents love you and want what’s best for you? Some parents are very selfish and unloving. I hope your mom does really love you. My daughter is nearly 15 and it takes all I have not to quiz her sometimes. Not because she needs to talk but because I want to know stuff. She broke up with her bf, but seems ok. When she needs to talk, she will. (What happened??? Did he hurt her!!?? Do I need to hire a hitman??!!)
Free room and board in a safe place is not easy to find, so stick out your parents until you are able to make it on your own. Your grades are something for you to be proud of. If you mom wants to ride on that, you can’t stop her, but it takes nothing away from you. You are very young to be independant, so don’t feel bad about them housing and feeding you. You sound like a good kid who deserves that at a minimum.

16

One of the things you should have noticed, LilCutie, is that other people have had similar feelings. So even though this is your life, and it’s driving youcrazy, your situation is not unique.

Also, whatever baggage and problems your mother is carrying around, keep in mind that you’re carrying around baggage and problems of your own. This is not meant to rank on you or call you an ungrateful bratty kid, but you have to realize this is not all about you. Sorry, but I really believe that your life is not all about you, especially when you’re 16. Your parents have obligations as parents, and if you can’t sometimes ride out the rough times with them now, what makes you think you’ll be able to suck it up when a boss makes your life rough?

Compromise is part of life. Putting up with other people’s crap is a part of life, too, to some extent. It’s called give-and-take, or not being totally self-absorbed. I see some inconsistencies when you say “She never listens to me” but then you say “I don’t talk to her”. Communication is not always easy, and for all I know she’s hard to talk to. But your approach to talking to her may need to be changed, too.

I assume your mother is not a total shrieking psychopath, or else you wouldn’t really be concerned about your relationship with her.

Is it possible that you aren’t as respectful as you could be (or ought to be)? Again, I don’t want to sound as if I’m picking on you, but 16-year-old girls wear their attitudes like a second skin sometimes.

You want to be more independent. But face it, you’re not ready to be out on your own. Read some of the responses. People couldn’t take it any more, moved out, and then moved back in. “Oops. I guess I was wrong about you guys, can I have my bedroom back?”

You want to be treated more like an adult. Are you behaving more like an adult? If you’re not treating the adults living in the same house with respect, then I doubt it. Remember they’re footing a lot of the freight for you, and have done for 16 years. That alone should warrant respect.

You’ve taken on more responsibilities and you are in fact working hard. That’s great. But trust me, it’s nothing like the real world, where everything you wear, eat, live in and use has to be paid for by nobody else but you. Are you ready for that? Can you realistically say you are willing (and actually expect) to put a social life on hold sometimes because you a) can’t afford it b) need to get your rest, because you have to work or go to class the next morning or c) have studying or laundry to do?

I don’t want this to sound harsh. It’s not easy for you to deal with, I know. But the best advice I can give is to take the high road, try to communicate with your parents, and be honest when talking with them. If you’re as mature as you say you are (and as you sound), you’ll be able to disagree with them calmly and talk and listen. All your life you’ll have to travel a two-way street as far as dealing with other people. And I guarantee you, unless you actually are living with shrieking psychopaths, in five or seven years you’ll realize that your perception of your parents when you were 16 was heavily influenced by the fact that you were 16.

Good luck.

17

Thankx a lot for what all you guys have said. I took all of it to heart with me. Because I realize that I am not perfect.

What bothers me a lot, is that we used to be soooo tight. Then she got remarried. And I love my step dad to death. It’s just I still have a good relationship with my real daad, that sometimes makes it hard for me to totally give in to my step father. Like I still call him Mr. Jimmy, even though I told him that I would like to call him dad. It’s too hard. And since my mom got married, I realized that I had to share. And that wasn’t so hard. It was just like things changed. And my step dad is wonderful to talk to. But even now I feel that uncomfortable feeling about talking to him. I used to talk to my mom all the time. But then I realized that I couldn’t get anything out without her stopping and lecturing me.
Like when my bf and I broke up… I was upset. And I was supposed to go to work that day, but I walked into Gap crying, and they sent me home (there is no sadness in retail) And I didn’t call my mom, cuz I didn’t want to worry her. I was gonna go home in about 1 hour. But Gap called her and told her what happened. I told her i’d talk to her later. But then that nite, she pulls my step dad in, and they ask me 20 questions that I didn’t want to answer. Because I just neededl ike a day to organize myself. But it was like “no… you will talk to us now!” and I didn’t want to deal with it, and I broke down crying and stuff, and they took that as “something bad must have happened b/w you and Larry and that’s why you are emotional” and It made me soo mad, because THEY WEREN’T LISTENING TO ME.

I know life will be terribly hard when I leave home. But I have been an only child (well kinda… my real dad has a daughter, but I have only got to spend time with her a few summers, yet I still love her, however it’s hard to get a hold of her to talk to her about these things) for 16 yrs of my life. And it’s such a fact that I was raised under my mothers wing. For so long. She was a single mom for a long time. And I totally appreciated that. And we were tight. But as I got older, I started to resent some of the things I didn’t get to experience. Like… I was a cheerleader, my mom rarely came to see me cheer unless it was something huge. I always wanted my mom to come to the games and stuff, so that other mothers weren’t cheering for me. I know she worked, but not all the time, or else it wouldn’t have been a problem. And other things. I Love my mom. But sometimes I just don’t understand why she says and does the things shes does. Maybe I will when I have a child. It’s just one of those things. I wasn’t raised around any kids, and now it’s like she’s still trying to hold me in. She gives me a lot of money, true. But mainly, sometimes I’d love for her to come to something of mine, that’s not academic, something else that I take pride in. When I was a dancer in the band for 2 yrs. I had to DRAG her to our annual competition. She refused to come to games. Things like that come to my mind when she upsets me the way she does.

I’m not that bad of a kid. Other kids have worse parenting than I… Way worse, i’m living quite well compared to many, but maybe she should realized that many parents have way worse children as well. She makes it sound like I’m sooo horrible. Just because she has to keep on my about cleaing my room and the bathrooms… She screamed at me about that. It’s like I have way too many things to stress over (like school, which i’m dealing with), and then she comes in on it…

BTW… I’m in IB (International Baccalaureate) And we have weighted GPAs. :slight_smile: I have 5 a’s and 3 b’s, and that gets me a 4.375

Thank you all for your comments. Because sometimes when things like this really get me upset, I lose all sense as to how to properly deal with it. I don’t know why. So thank you :slight_smile:
Jenny*

18

Sometimes a change of location can make a difference. If you and your parents fight at home all the time, try getting them somewhere else, a neutral location, and discuss it. One place might be a public restaurant or park. Nobody wants to cause a scene in public, so everyone keeps their voices down, acts natural, and so on. It might help you get through to them. From 10 feet away, you’re just another family out for a stroll in the sunshine. I like Beadalin’s idea of a letter, and Zyada’s suggestion of active listening is really good, too. Maybe you can practice it a bit with your friends to help you before you try it with mom?

16’s a tough age. You’re not an adult yet, but you’re not a kid. You’re expected to be independent and take care of your life yourself, but you have to be home before curfew and let your parents know what’s going on in your life. You can have a job and your own money, but you can’t spend it all on whatever you like. It’s a balancing act. Hang in there, keep trying to get a good open communication with them, and it’ll get easier. I won’t guarantee it’ll be perfect by a long shot, but easier is better than harder.

19

I’m 17, and I’m right with ya on this one. I’m in the IB program too, and there is so much pressure from my parents to get straight 7s, it’s crazy. They dont’ realize that I’ve been actually worked towards it for the last four year, and they’re constantly on my back to study, study, study. Not to mention, they’ve decided that me GPA isn’t high enough, and that I NEED to fix that NOW! (I’m already outta school except for the tests, little late, eh?)

Anyways, i know exactly how you feel, and I’ll jsut teel ya what I’m doing, wait it out. I go off to college next year, and i’m hoping that that will help things out, because they literally can’t look over my shoulder next year, you know? Just let time take it’s course, and humor them for now, but once you’re gone, they’ll shape up, or so I hear :slight_smile:

20

You guys are great. A lot of this is helping me, because I feel it’s better to talk to people, who aren’t going to be biased, and will tell me straight up and honestly how they feel.

Kaz, IB is freakin crazy. :slight_smile:

Jenny*