It hurts. A lot.
For those of you who haven’t been keeping up, my girlfriend and I had been seeing each other for the better part of a year. The attraction, both physical and emotional, was instant. She made my heart race the very first time I went out with her, and every time I saw her. I can honestly say that I loved her more than I have loved any other human being, on such a scale as to be indescribable.
The first time we broke up, I spent a month in an epic state of self-destruction which I am amazed I survived. We got back together in February, resolved to stay together and keep it from her parents. She decided (and I agreed) that we would tell them about us when she was free enough of their direct (i.e., money, living situation, distance) influence that our relationship would not impact her daily life or her ability to live it. As you can probably tell by the thread title, we didn’t make it that far.
On July 4, my phone rang. It was her mother. Apparently, she had been itemizing her phone bills (the whole family is on one plan), and came across roaming charges indicating that HSHGF had called home while in New Jersey (where I live). Mommy confronted her daughter, who admitted to her “crimes,” which prompted a yelling, screaming, hissy match that lasted a couple days, involved cussing, screaming, face-slapping (with my girlfriend as the recipient), grounding, the silent treatment, assignment of extra chores, withholding of tuition assistance, confiscation of possessions, etc.
Now, I don’t want to debate the lunacy of “punishing” a twenty-two-year-old college graduate. I don’t want to Pit her parents again (I think I did a good enough job the first time around, and nothing’s really changed). I just want to throw out there what I did and see how wise it was. And a little moral support never hurt, either.
I let her go. There is nothing that my involvement in her life will get her right now except more misery. She, quite literally, cannot continue to see me right now- she has her classes and her parents have taken her/their car keys from her. There’s no talking to the parents- I tried. But they’re not interested in a “low-class loser with no prospects (actual quote)” or what I have to say. They’re “not interested in getting to know me.”
She goes to LA in September for at least a year of classes out there, and I’m applying to law schools in different parts of the country for admission next September. I don’t feel right trying to anchor her to the East Coast when what she has a life to build. And I don’t want to sit home wondering if her new life has prompted her to forget about me and move on. I don’t want her to miss an opportunity because she’s nominally “with” me, and I don’t want the same for myself with regard to her. She has to devote herself to building her new life, and I have to decide where and how I want to do the same when I go away to law school in 2005.
I can’t look at her IM profile and overanalyze whether she’s moving on- I don’t want her to have to do the same to me. I can’t worry about how I relate to mutual friends because I’m worried about hurting her if my life changes, and I don’t want a surprise update that her new life will exclude me from now on. If we’re ever going to work, it’s because we love ach other, not because we’ve arranged circumstances to remain in each other’s presence. If she’s going to come back to me, it’s because she’s made a life for herself and wants me in it. And if I’m going to take her back, it will be because I learned to live without her and decided I’d rather live with her.
So we’ve blocked each other’s means of communication- IM, e-mail, and phone. We’ve told our mutual friends that conversation regarding each other is off-limits. We’ve agreed that she will call me on January 10 of 2005, and we’ll talk then. Seventy percent of me believes that she will, but the thirty percent that believes otherwise is convincing the rational part of me that, if she doesn’t, then I will have my answer and it will be for the best.
Did I do the right thing? I hope so, because this fucking hurts.
And what do I do now?