In which I apologize to my now-ex's parents

Happy_Scrappy_Hero_Pup · January 6, 2004, 4:38am

I didn’t want do do this. In fact, I strongly debated whether I should. But I have to, because I really don’t know any of you, and I have to yell somehow. At least none of you can punch me in the face.

To the parents of the pretty sweet girl:

Sorry I’m poor.

Listen, I know my dad’s a machinist and my mom is a nurse. There really isn’t a damn thing I can do about it, but I’m sorry it makes you mad.

They emigrated from Ireland. I know we can’t all be Mayflower material, but I’m adopted, just like your daughter, so how bad can that be?

My dad didn’t make a lot of money on coming here. Nobody’s sorrier about that than he is, I’m sure. And I know it’s the sign of a bad person to work two jobs. And it’s surely the sign of a worse person to take a third job when you go on strike, even if you do walk your whole shift on the picketline and then catch an hour in the car before you go load trucks.

Sure he bought his own house, sure he took in two kids that he didn’t have to, sure he busted his ass so that my mom could stay home for thirteen years and raise us. But he did that by being a bad person, a menial, and I’m sure he’s ashamed of it.

Listen, I’m sorry I gave up that full scholarship to high school and transferred to an equally prestigious one. I wish my motives had been better than wanting to explore my life more fully. That’s code for “dumb jock,” I know, even with the GPA I pulled. My dad was probably an asshole for trusting my judgement. But then, he’s just a menial.

It’s my dad’s fault that he didn’t have enough money to send me to college, I know. I walked into one of the premier Jesuit schools in the nation as a sophomore thanks to perfect scores on AP tests. But that doesn’t mean jack, because I had no money. I know this, and I accept my wrongdoing. I apologize. I know I had to drop out because I’m a bad person. I obviously couldn’t make tuition because of my lack of personal worth.

I shouldn’t be dating your daughter because I’m still in school. I mean, what kind of asshole continues pursuing a degree at 29? I should have given up and gotten a job slinging hash somewhere and just accepted my place. My bad. Again, I never should have thought that I could get by without having the money upfront.

Sorry if I’m too “pompous.” My bad if I’m “entirely too self-assured for someone who’s not done with school at [my age].” I was operating under the misguided impression that a man could make whatever he wanted of himself if he tried hard enough.

To the pretty sweet girl:

Thanks for fighting for me. I’m sure you did as well as you could, even if “as well as you could” was just crying and nodding while the yelling intensified. Better I know now than at some drastic point, like my trying to take you to the symphony.

For general consumption:

Fuck you clowns.

Fuck you, Daddy. I was good to your daughter. Better than anyone has ever been. I know because she said so and I have it documented. I saved it because it made me misty when she wrote it- it was the most validating thing anyone had ever said. Material worth?!?!? Fuck you. Your salary was a matter of public record, and you want to cast aspersions on my future? Check your ledger, Johnny. You are not as hot as you think you are. Sweet Jesus, you sure aren’t.

Fuck you, Mommy. Don’t like me? Why not? I treated your daughter with kid gloves. I was so in awe of the amazing thing that she was that I gave her everything I had. Afraid of the sanctity of her virtue? I wanted and demanded that she do nothing that even caused her momentary discomfort. I had no need to cajole or guilt anything out of her because I would never have taken anything she didn’t freely give me.

Fuck you both. I came to your house and prostrated myself in front of you. I haven’t shown that much respect to anyone. Ever. I spent three hours trying to present the past that has made me a loving human being in a light that I thought you’d accept. And for that I get torn apart based on my parents’ jobs, my educational background, and my bankbook?

Fuck you both. I pulled myself up from shit. I had nothing. I was nobody. I was a fucking number in the NJ child services system. I paid my way through the best high schools in this country. I’m finishing college. I’m going to grad school. And I am humbled and awed by the friendship and forbearance of the many people who believed in me enough to keep me going. The people who kept me going did it for no other reason thatn they believed in me, and they believed in me for much smaller reasons than my giving everything I could to their children.

Fuck you both, parents. I graduate school this year. If the practice tests and the prep courses are any indication, I am going to knock the LSAT out of the fucking park. And whaddya know? Law schools dig the shit out of people of my age and experience. What happens to you when I am, all of a sudden, the perfect boyfriend on paper? Same guy, new stats? Am I all of a sudden a decent human being? I am becoming everything that I wanted to be, which just so happens to be your wet drem of a guy for your daughter. the problem is, most guys with my credentials on paper are six years younder and will treat your daughter like shit. Just like the last two boyfriends she had, who she “kept going back to because that was what they wanted and she didn’t know any better.”

**And finally to the pretty sweet girl:[/]

Thanks. If you’ve described your past accurately to me, buy stock in Kleenex. I hope you find something someday you actually WANT to fight for. And I hope it happens before you forget you’re human.

Because I will never touch you again.

Profane · January 6, 2004, 5:52am

Ouch. Sorry man.

kiwiboy · January 6, 2004, 5:54am

Wow, that really sucks. What do her parents do if you don’t mind me asking? They sound like utter pricks.

Good luck with getting into law school. If the US is anything like here you’ll meet some pretty fine women there…

Gremlyn · January 6, 2004, 6:01am

Scrappy,

Fuck those people! I hate anyone like that. Trust me, you can find someone better than some poor sap bitch like her. She should have stood up for you! I would’ve!

Grem

cankerist · January 6, 2004, 7:17am

Bet that felt good to get out of the system.

Yeah I’d say fuck 'em too. But you know, if “Pretty Sweet Girl” wasn’t your back up vocalist echoing that sentiment, then it was just not happening. As you said - she “didn’t know any better”, and it looks like she still doesn’t.

for my two cents I say stay away from the Sweetness, what you need is a Pretty Smart Girl. Best of luck at college!

Siege · January 6, 2004, 11:05am

[Happy Scrappy Hero Pup**, as someone who can see her working class roots from here, I am sorry, and you’re worth fighting for. It’s a shame your pretty, sweet girl couldn’t see it. I wish I could sit her down with a friend of mine whose upper class Baltimore parents couldn’t fathom what she saw in a gawky Navy man from the backwoods of Pennsylvania (I don’t know what his rank was in those days). They’ve been married over 25 years, and their marriage is one of the most beautiful ones I’ve seen. For that matter, my grandfather disapproved of my father because his parents were working class and Dad put himself through college. Over 40 year later, they still think each other the most wonderful people in the world, despite their faults.

I wish I could e-mail your girl and tell her some things, some people are worth defending, and what two people’s hearts have in common matters more than what their wallets or their geneologies do.

Please take pride in what you and your parents have done, and I hope you find someone who can share your pride. It’s the best and most honest kind – hard earned.

I am sorry, and I wish you well and a better girlfriend next time! Hearts do mend, but right now, I suspect both your heart and your pride aren’t sure of that.

CJ

jjimm · January 6, 2004, 11:13am

That’s absolutely horrible treatment. What truly nasty people.
And yet another victim of SARS: the SDMB Axed Relationship Syndrome, too. :eek:

GingerOfTheNorth · January 6, 2004, 1:21pm

I’m so sorry, and I hope you don’t lose faith in people because of this. Some people just aren’t worth it.

GrizzRich · January 6, 2004, 2:17pm

GAH!

Best of luck with that law-school thingy.
Maybe… just MAYBE you could be another Lionel Hutz!

tomndebb · January 6, 2004, 5:46pm

You’re 29, so (unless you’re cradle robbing) Sweet Girl should already be an adult.* Getting parental approval should not be part of the equation. Granted, after I proposed to Deb (and she said yes), we visited her folks and I went through the formality of asking her dad for her hand in marriage. However, his response was the quite appropriate, “She’s a grown up, ask HER for her hand, yourself.”

Now that you’ve vented, just walk away and look for a “grown up” to date.

This should not be construed as meaning that one should not try to get along with one’s in-laws. Life is much easier when there is no bickering in that arena. However, if they have the last word on who their child marries, the child is not yet mature enough to get married.

carimwc · January 6, 2004, 6:03pm

Ugh. I’m sorry. I’ve been there- not to your extent, but I’ve been there, and my family is middle class!

His parents didn’t even approve of our friendship before we started dating. A white girl is not allowed to be friends with an Indian boy I guess. Heck, they didn’t even know we were dating until after I broke up with him!

He ended up being the disaproving one. I was one of the “poorest girls he had ever dated”. I didn’t have my own car because my family couldn’t afford to buy me one so I wasn’t good enough. I decided to go to a liberal arts college to study French and poltical science instead of to a big unversity, studying business, which I hated. He didn’t like it either but he HAD to so he could earn all of his precious money. Money mattered most. Everything else was a distant second. Or third. It sucked ass.

I came to my senses after a few months and became the first girl ever to dump his ass. It was great.

Anyway, if that girl couldn’t deal with her parents disaproval about someone like you, than screw her and her family. They are snobs of the highest level and they suck royally. I’m so sorry.

Scarlett67 · January 6, 2004, 6:44pm

If not for certain details I could have believed that you were dating one of my adopted cousins. My aunt and uncle are all about the money, so of course they have loads. They tried having kids with no luck so they adopted three kids. The boy ended up dead (along with 2 others) at age 18 in some sort of mysterious gang killing. The girls, in their 20s, have had multiple marriages to various losers. My aunt’s highest assessment of these dudes is a glowing “Oh, he makes VERY good money.” She gladly does elaborate flower arrangements and cake decorating for these weddings; each one is a big affair, but the marriages barely last longer than the weddings.

One daughter is newly separated from the most recent husband; one of the issues, according to my aunt, is that he was after their money. Well, auntie, maybe money woudn’t be such an issue if you didn’t run to your lawyer to disown your kids and cut off contact with them every time they do something that displeases you, and then welcome them back when you love them again. And play favorites with the grandkids, spoiling “her” kids and ignoring “his” kids. (Say, aren’t “your” children adopted anyway? Shouldn’t you have some concept of a blended family regardless of which kids are “his” and “hers”?)

The other daughter’s second husband (this is the one that didn’t thank me for my shower gift because I didn’t address my own thank-you card at the party) is in the clink for 90 days for some sort of contractor fraud, near as my mother can make out. Wonderful guy, huh? So they’ve had to cancel a trip to Florida. Boo hoo.

I won’t even go into the other trashy aspects of that family except to say that I am SOOOO glad that this aunt and uncle never became my and my sister’s guardians, as my mother’s will once stated.

I’m sorry that this happened to you, Pup, but you dodged a major bullet. No happiness could have come from this relationship in the long term. There are lots more Pretty Sweet Girls out there without the baggage. You deserve much better, and I’m sure you’ll find it.

Happy_Scrappy_Hero_Pup · January 6, 2004, 11:40pm

You know, I certainly did feel better after venting. And you all are right. Let’s not forget HOW the breakup actually happened: Here are the last three things she said to me, in order, verbatim:

“I am not allowed to talk to you or see you. And if I do there will be consequences that I do not even want to think about.”

“This means there is no us. And there is nothing more either you or I can do. I tried to fight but my dad is like the law.”

“I can’t. I am very very very sorry. You know I didn’t want to hurt you. And I love you.”

How do I remember it all so clear as day? I didn’t have to. I saved them on my PHONE because she broke up with me via three text messages.

I can’t fathom what kind of person would do such a thing. Apparently Daddy scared the courtesy out of her, too, when he threatened to cut her off or whatever it was.

Final verdict: She should have had the decency to call and end it. But it shouldn’t have come to that because she should have had no reason to. I’m not sure whether she or the parents have made me feel more worthless.

The bright side is that I am two-thirds of the way done with the final paper I need to graduate. The superbright side is the people who designed the legislation that is the subject of my paper are not only still alive, but they have consented to interviews. I am gonna ace this thing. Then I’m going to be inducted into my first university’s Hall of Fame (dumb jock, remember?). Oh, did I mention that I’m out of student loan debt as of June? Did I mention that the bank just sent me the title to my car? Did I mention that my mutual fund is up 14%? Did I mention that I’m now fully vested for a defined-benefit pension (and a pretty damn good one for someone my age)?

Worthless? Fuck YOU, Johnny Superintendent. Take your family-court wife out to whatever backwoods shithole passes for fine dining where you are and celebrate the end of the asshole era while your daughter wipes her nose, picks up, and moves on to the next investment-banking poonhound. Y’all shoulda waited the six months I asked for. Because then, in a blind taste-test, you’d jerk off all over me, you superficial son of a bitch.

Happy_Scrappy_Hero_Pup · January 6, 2004, 11:50pm