Is not texting / participating in social media a deal breaker for a potential mate?

I know I said I was on my way to bed but then I remembered I had to take my rheumatizzy potions so I just wanted to comment. Except, I don’t know how to phrase this so it won’t sound judgy *or *defensive. . . why would someone that, if they’re my partner we have regular communication and therefore knows that I’ve gone to the store, movies, on a lunch date with a friend, etc. . . need to call me, unless they were trapped in their wrecked car by the side of the interstate? I’m not kidding and I’m not trying to be snarky. I honestly do not get it. And maybe this is where the conversation gets more interesting.Not to pull out the old argument of “before we had cell phones we got along just fine”, but . . .kind of. I mean, did human nature change because technology did? Just because we have the ability to be in constant contact we suddenly developed the *need *to?

I’m approaching 60, and I love technology. I’m far more tech-friendly than most of my friends. I was one of the first to have a smart phone, and have had an email account since the internet was young. But I’m just old enough that I don’t consider my tech as part of my social life. It’s for work, research, entertainment (Netflix, etc.), shopping, with the social apps trailing far behind. I like texting for some things - it’s great for a quick question and answer, to send/receive a picture to match colors, etc. - but it isn’t my chosen method to have a lengthy conversation. That’s why my smart phone still has the word ‘phone’ in it name.

I have a Facebook account only for immediate family, and only because it is my sons’ main method of communication. To keep up with their lives, I have to use it, but ugh.

I use my LinkedIn account a lot, probably because I’m in that line of work. Any ‘hanging out’ on a social site, I do there (well here, too, but this isn’t a social site, right? lol)

And worst of all, I don’t always carry my phone. I don’t want to be reachable immediately 24/7/365.

But then again all of the above probably explains why I’m single and was pretty much a bust when it came to 21st century dating!

Apologies, PariotGrrrl; I misreaad your comment. Yes, I do see the sense in calling somone who is expecting me home if I’m going to be late. I’m just talking about a random call for no reason other than . . . I don’t really know. That’s my point. If you know I’m at work and it’s not an emergency(in which case you have my direct line) why are you calling me? You have already received my directive to get off my lawn; do so!:mad::stuck_out_tongue:

But I’m weeding it!

I hate using the phone. I’m more of an email kind of person, except most of my friends are not. I text occasionally, for a single message or three to one person. Twitter is not for chat, for me it’s for idle thoughts and following celebs. I stay away from Facebook, and when I am out and about, it’s my daily break from all things internet and social media.

Basically, they’re occasional entertainment, occasional direct messaging, but not an obsession. I’m sure for people my age (mid-40s) that’s not unusual.

Not using social media is fine. Refusing to text is a problem- it’s a handy tool and to refuse to use it out of sheer stubbornness is not really an admirable trait.

Does your reluctance to use social media extend to dating sites? How about social sites like

If the answer is “yes,” I don’t think it would be a deal breaker, but I just don’t even see how I’d find you. The internet is the way a significant number of couples - a majority within some age groups - get together today.

OCS, age 42

Hmmmmmm. I’ve never looked at it as stubbornness, though if you guys see it that way then probably most people will and in that case it doesn’t really matter how I feel about it. When I say I refuse to to text, it’s not the act of texting (although I do find it somewhat cumbersome, but I have / do know how to do it) but just the expectation that I should be reachable at all times. I mean, I suppose if someone wanted to text me I wouldn’t have an issue with that; just don’t expect me to text back in a timely manner. So I’d rather not give anyone the expectation that that would be a standard thing. I don’t think I’m expressing myself too well here. For me, it’s really not about the technology, per se, but about constant, instant conversation, if that makes more sense.

It’s not that human nature changed, it’s that the way people make plans has changed. It used to be that if you were planing to see a movie with someone, you worked out the details in advance–what movie, what theater, what time, and where you would meet. Now a LOT of of that is left to the last minute, with the expectation that it’s easy to adjust plans quickly via text. So if we were planning on seeing Some Movie at 8 at Cinema X and work went late, I might text an hour in advance and say 'Hey, can we shift over to Cinema Y, they have a 9:00 showing?" and expect you to see my communication in a timely manner. I wouldn’t call you over that because I wouldn’t want to interrupt you if you were busy. And if you insisted on pre-setting a meeting spot insteadof just texting when you got there, it would seem incredibly awkward and inflexible.

On the same token, years ago, if we were dating and one Saturday I had errands to run in the morning and you had chores at home and we wanted to see each other in the afternoon, we’d have made concrete plans–meet at X place at Y time. Now, most people would be more like “Text whenever you are done and I’ll tell you what I’m up to and we will figure out the best place to meet”. If you refuse to participate in that kind of thing, it’ll close a lot of doors.

Thanks for that explanation. I think I’ve been getting the gist of it but maybe just needed someone to actually spell it out. I’m not a last minute type of person. If we’ve made plans I do expect the person not to break them. Obviously emergencies come up but I feel like a lot of people have the attitude that they don’t need to be on time or do what they say they’re going to do because, hey, they can just text and let the other person know.

This has been eye opening (and kind of depressing) but I do appreciate everyone’s feedback.

If you’re not a phone person and also not a texter, then you’ll be less competitive in the dating market. Doesn’t mean you’re doomed to singlehood, but we are talking about a numbers game. It’s harder to keep up with the game if you’re averse to communicating like most people are.

Personally I hate talking on the phone, whether it be landline or cell phone. My overall preference is talking in-person, but that can be problematic in the early stages of dating because seeing someone too often can kill my attraction to them. So texting is great for me; it allows me to communicate in real time without having to endure the annoyance of phone-talking while also allowing me to keep my space.

It sounds like you don’t rate high in your need to communicate with your dating partner. I’m like this too and this is what makes texting great; I can fire off a couple messages (“I heard Spotlight is good, wanna see it Friday?”) without having to have a full sit-down conversation. It’s also easier to swap sweet talk in a spontaneous, low-pressure way. Most of the lovey dovey stuff I’ve texted to guys would be harder for me to say verbally. So texting can facilitate the sharing of feelings. Receiving a flattering text from a love interest can really make your day, let me tell ya!

It’s true, I don’t have a need to communicate often. I mean, I love talking in person, and as you can all see from my rambling in this thread and pretty much every thread in which I participate, I enjoy writing and sharing ideas. It’s just the the chit chat and also the whole thing about last minute plans and such that I’m not sure I can get used to. Maybe the question is “what the hell happened to my brain while everyone else’s evolved?”(please don’t answer that ).

It’s just that with rapid, flexible communication, everyone can be more efficient. It’s not that we don’t have plans–we are absolutely doing something Saturday afternoon. Breaking plans and blowing someone off is still horribly rude. But I know I need to go to the post office, get an oil change, and put in a flower bed before hand. I am not sure exactly how long that will take. You know you need to do laundry, vacuum, and pay bills, and you’d like to work in your garden but need time for a shower, after. Making firm plans means that I am going to spend the morning feeling pressured and rushed and then likely have some weird dead time at the far end. By staying in (very light, very brief) communication, we can adjust and make sure neither person has to walk away from an unfinished flowerbed or whatever.

I think this is something you can talk about on the first date, without too much problem. If the guy is interested in you, he’ll adjust his expectations.

Not texting (including IM) would hurt communication-- while it wouldn’t be a deal-breaker in and of itself, it would be difficult to build a relationship without this super convenient means of communication. If I have to meet someone (or a group), they can text me the location and I can look it up later or forward it. If they need something, I can scroll up to find it when I’m out and about. If I’m not immediately available, I can get to the text later. It’s just short (or long as it needs to be), efficient and a great way to let people handle things on their own time.

As to social media, I see the benefits, but I can do without it. Depending on the circumstances, it could be a bonus if the person doesn’t engage too heavily in it, but that’s just me. :slight_smile:

In any scenario, I don’t think “constant communication” is what’s desirable. Bombarding anyone, in any form, is a negative thing. Quality communication is what’s desirable, and yes convenience does play into that, but there exists a number of ways to have good, quality experiences in-person, where it matters. There is no rule which says a person has to engage in any of the above (including my preferences), but I believe some interaction through either mode makes sense and will probably improve the chances of building a relationship with someone, if used as the tools that they are.

I kind of get this, at least when the “plan” is just that we’re going to get together but we’ve not decided exactly what we’re going to do. But, do people not make actual concrete plans anymore? (I know you can’t speak for everyone; anyone is welcome to answer this). Movies and whatnot have a starting time, dinner reservations are for a specific time. If we say we’re going to dinner at 7:00 and you’ll pick me up at 6:30, barring any emergency on either of our part, that’s what I expect to happen. But it sounds like that’s more of a “guideline” these days(?) “These days”. Jeez, you’d think I was 70 years old. It’s as if during the 8 years I spent with the ex the world just went and passed me by :frowning:

Just remember a preference for texting doesn’t require a preference for inane chit chat or last minute changes in plans. It just allows for these things to happen more easily; you still have a lot of control over how you use it.

My favorite texts are random reminders that others are thinking of me. Like when my husband sends me pics of my cat doing funny things. There is no time-pressure in responding to these things; they are trivial but nice pick-me-ups.

It’s not a big deal if you don’t “get” this form of communication, but just make sure you’re not seeing is being a bunch of self-indulgent people being flaky chatterboxes. Lol.


Although I use Facebook, some of my friends choose not to. But texting? That’s the only way to converse with me. I usually do not answer my phone, but reply to those missed calls with a “Sup?” text. People catch on.

A few years ago I was bored. I texted ten or twenty of my contacts, “WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU!?”

People freaked out, thinking they’d promised to meet me or something. Texts were firing to and fro so fast my head was spinning. I was just curious about where everyone was.:smiley:

Here are my cut off points:

Text - short messages/info that require no more than 4 exchanges (2 per person). Example:
Me: Just getting off work, want to meet at a restaurant?
SO: Sure, any preference?
Me: BBQ or Greek
SO: BBQ, see you there

Phone - info that will require more than 4 exchanges or is difficult to type out in a short message.