Is not texting / participating in social media a deal breaker for a potential mate?

In My Humble Opinion
61

No, no, no. The point of texting is that it isn’t immediate. It allows for this whole range of communication that is much more low-pressure than actual conversation, or even email. So, like, I often will send passing comments to my work BFF that are relevant to our school/students/district politics. I don’t expect an immediate response. I don’t expect any response at all, really. It’s just shit I think that I forget to mention when we talk–everything from “I totally think Benji is in love with Caro and she has no idea” to a bad Star Wars joke to a link about a school board decision to a report on how a lesson I was telling him about earlier worked out in practice. None of that demands any sort of response. He sends me similar stuff. For both of us, it’s useful and entertaining. I think most non-practical texting is like this.

In terms of being late, it’s not that people use texting as an excuse to be inconsiderate, but that a lot of people who would have had to simply not make plans at all can now sometimes make plans. Like the mothers of small children who keep posting how useful texting is: it wasn’t that before you had to be considerate of your friends and now you don’t. It was that before you often just didn’t see your friends or talk to them because there was no way to do so reliably.

I have a former student visiting town this Christmas. We went through a lot of crap when he was in high school–mom almost died at the same time he was arrested for a stupid prank and I kinda stepped in–and I really, really hope to see him and his fiance–he was a favorite, years ago, and has moved far away. But he’s only here for 3 days and has tons of family responsibilities that are largely out of his control. He wants to see me–he texted to tell me he’s coming–but I’m about 7th on his list of priorities. I know that, I am cool with that. Pre-text, I wouldn’t see him. He wouldn’t have even told me he was going to be here because he wouldn’t want to make plans he’d have to break. With text, there’s a good chance one morning he’ll see he has a free hour or two coming up and we will be able to meet. If I don’t have a window when he does–which may be the case–neither of us will be upset. We both feel confident we will find a time next summer or whenever. I don’t feel sad that he doesn’t care enough about me enough to make me a priority. Ten years ago, we’d have just drifted apart forever, and now we get the occasional chance for an update.

I also think you are blurring together meeting-new-person, early-dating, LTR, and co-habit/married texting patterns, all of which are really, really different. I wouldn’t borrow trouble and worry what the later phases might look like–you and whomever will figure it out between you, and it might surprise you what you like when it’s part of a specific dynamic with a specific person, not an abstract idea.

62

I will also mention that for those of us in the work force, often texting is both more convenient and more discreet.

It is both less disruptive and faster for me to respond to a personal text when I have a moment in my workday than it would be for me to answer a phone call the moment it rings. Also, it has the super convenient added bonus of people in my general vicinity not having to hear my half of the conversation. I tend to feel it’s a better professional choice for me confine my personal communication to text or email during the workday - and I’ll only answer my phone if it’s my mom (who is elderly, the sole caretaker of my mentally disabled father and doesn’t do texts or emails - and for whom I am the emergency contact of record).

I think Manda JO is probably right that you’re thinking of texting as the “I need a response now” method of communication. The I need a response now method of communication of choice is still mostly phone calls. Texting is more often for short to medium term planning or communication you want people to see, but it’s not important they see it right this moment. Even for things that you want to share, but which do not necessarily require a response. It’s rather like super short and casual emails. For anything complicated or in depth or detailed, a phone call is still pretty much the way to go.

There are people who get all bent if you fail to respond to their text immediately - but there are always high-maintenance demanding people with any form of communication. I generally just take someone getting bent about this as a good sign we don’t need to be friends, since we’ve got a compatibility issue :slight_smile:

63

**Aangelica **and Manda JO, I literally did not think of texts in this way. Don’t know if I’ll ever be a fan but at least I now have a better idea what the “rules” are.

64

May experience dating in the last half decade is that Texting will be your primary form of communication. I like it, personally. When I am in a relationship and I see my indicator pop up I feel happy. I like sharing dumb little one sentence jokes and observations with the woman I am seeing. As other have said it is low pressure and ephemeral. As it happens my recent relationships have been with people that live a reasonable distance away (not long distance but not a round the corner) so it feels at times my phone is really the core of our relationship for good or for ill.

The funny thing is is that this is just kind of how it happens. Since I met my most recent relationships online (on dating sites) having the communications shift from within the site to texting seemed natural and normal.

65

Exactly. Texting is a tool, that’s it. If your date is constantly late because she feels like she can just send you a text and it alleviates all responsibility on her part, that’s not the text’s fault, it’s your date’s fault. If she demands an immediate response to her texts, again, that’s not a problem with the technology.

In general there’s a certain etiquette around all of these new modes of communication (which all ultimately go to your phone anyway), but that doesn’t mean everyone stays in those lines.

66

I agree with what a lot of the others are saying. Texting is much more low key and generally demands less immediate attention than phone calls (which I hate).

Real life example: I had a six text exchange with a friend about a new SyFy show that took place over the course of several hours last Sunday. Was it pressing or interesting enough for a phone call? Nope. But it was enjoyable to send/receive/chuckle over those texts at my leisure while doing my usual Sunday stuff.

I’m in my mid-forties and ‘no texting and/or social media’ would be a deal breaker for me.

67

Good info, people. So, what if you met someone such as I who doesn’t *refuse *to communicate in just the way you would prefer, but tells you they’re not really into using texting as the main form of communication. Would you try to change them or just figure it’s not worth it and move on?

68

At what point does your stance on texting come up? If I say, can I get your number, I’ll text you when I’m leaving, what do you say? Or if I flip that around, and say, I’ll be there a bit early, here’s my number, text me when you’re on your way and I’ll put our name down for a table… do you comply?

69

Nope, it’s the exact opposite. A phone call means ‘I want to talk to you now’; a text means ‘Get back to me whenever you have a minute.’ I’ll regularly set up an appointment with a mate by text over the course of a day: she texts me at 10am saying ‘Pints Wednesday?’, I text back at lunchtime saying ‘Yeah, how about 8 at wherever?’, she’s run off her feet till that evening when she texts me saying ‘Can’t make it till 9, how’s that?’, I text her back saying ‘Yep, 9 is good, see you there!’ That’s how it works with just about everyone I ever text. I agree with whoever said that you do get the odd person who gets into a snit if you don’t answer RIGHT NOW, but then they would also get into a snit if you didn’t pick up the phone and drop everything when they rang.

Phone calls are for actual proper conversations, and for complicated logistics that would take too many text messages. Texts are for quick arrangements, rearrangements, and small stuff that isn’t worth a phone call.

And I wouldn’t be bothered by someone who wasn’t much for texting, but I would be slightly baffled by someone who felt the need to tell me about this.

70

Good question. Remember I haven’t had to deal with anything like this in over 8 years. Did we just meet?Well, duh, if you’re asking for my number:smack: Anyway, I’d probably agree to text you / you text me so as not to get off on the wrong foot but later if we seemed to be getting along I’d probably want to confide that I’m not big into that sort of thing so you could decide if that made a big difference to you or not.

71

Honestly, I don’t think you know if this is a thing you are into or not. When you’re crushing on someone hard core and they text you a passing comment at work, you may find you like it quite a bit. Also, do you object to getting texts or texting back? Because someone saying “just so you know, I am not much of a texter, so don’t reaf much into it if I don’t respond” is very different from “please don’t text me dui g the day if it’s not actually practical information. It seems trite and boring that you think about me and want to talk to me”.

Your new normal with have to evolve, and it will work or not. This is not a thing ro have a conversation about.

72

For me, none of the social media or whatever is a deal breaker. Hell, I made my first post on Facebook this YEAR just a couple weeks ago. So, I don’t care if you have an account or not. What I DO find bothersome are the extremes. If you’re PROUD of not having some form or social media or if you’re constantly posting every mundane detail to it, then it’s something that would raise a concern. The main thing I use it for is keeping tabs on other interests of mine (like bands) and the main feature I use is the chat, since it’s a good way to keep in touch with the people I know since most of them on are there, and it’s simple to send a quick message. Frankly, it does kind of bug me that there are a few people I keep in regular contact with that either don’t have it or refuse to use the chat feature, so I have to go out of my way to keep in touch, but I guess that’s another rant.

That said, I’m a huge fan of text communication in general. Yes, yes, in person communication is far and away the best, other than that, it’s a question of what parts we’re missing out on. With a phone conversation, you get to hear their voice in real-time, but it’s a slightly fuzzier version (even the clearest phones sound slightly fuzzy to me, enough to affect my comprehension sometimes). But you also get drawbacks like missing out of visual cues, only hearing through one ear and messing with the phone, or being on speaker and having potential echo effects and other distractions. And voicemail is even worse, because it’s just a short, non-interactive snippet, and it’s a pain to interact with, especially if they put important information in it like a number or address.

Text loses out on the tonal cues, but you gain precision and the ability to timeshift conversations and do it in short chunks. We can interact in whatever time we have, if we both have time, we can text quickly or even recommend going to the phone, but if we’re distracted we can take our time. And it’s infinitely better than a voicemail. Not only does it tell me up front who it’s from, but it forces you to say something concisely and if you can, just say “call me”. If it’s too complicated to fit in a text, it’s probably too long for a voicemail too (with a few exceptions, like birthday wishes or, if you have kids, maybe hearing them say hi when you can’t pick up or whatever).

Either way, as far as dating goes, I have two-fold advice. First, be open to new experiences. Especially if you’re recently single, dating has changed a lot over the last few year, some for the better, some for the worse. Try some of them and see if you like them or they’re effective. Some things work well for some and not for others. Second, things like phone vs text, social media, etc. are clues into the personality of the person you might be dating. As someone who isn’t all that active on social media, it could be concerning as a potential mismatch if she’s constantly on it, or it could just mean she’s really connected to her friends and family and it’d be a good thing. Regardless, it’s an additional data point that can help us understand if we’re compatible.

73

It depends on if I’m really interested in them or just meh.

But then again, sometimes you don’t know if you like a guy until he shows you his witty or charming side. A text can help with that.

Consider a first date that was middle of the road in quality. The guy isn’t a super star but he was pleasant enough to make a rejection at that point seem rash and imprudent.

He could do the cliché thing and call you a tension-filled day or two after the date, nervously wondering if you will pick up the phone and agree to a second outing at his request, after perhaps an awkward round of small talk and rambling.

Or he could send you a casual but charming text right shortly after the date. “I had a great time with you tonight, Ms. WOOKINPANUB! And I especially liked your story about the prank you pulled in the 5th grade. Lol! A woman with a sense of humor is a weakness of mine, just so you know. Maybe we can do this again? I will call you later this week, ok?”

Me, I’m much more likely to walk away feeling positive about the guy in the second scenario than the first. My feelings may have started out “meh” but I’ll see thoughtfulness in him mentioning the anecdote I told him and indulging me with a little flattery; that will nudge up my interest in him. And so I’ll look forward to continued talks with him. The guy in the first scenario not so much. Left to my own imagination, I might talk myself out of seeing as a viable BF after being left to linger in a state of “meh” for too long.

74

It’s so normal for me, that I’d think you were up to something, at first. As Manda Jo wrote, it’s probably not worth the conversation, any more than the topic of how long you like your emails.

I think once you’re not taking days to respond, most people interested in you will eventually understand your communication habits and adjust. For your part, if you’re genuinely interested in someone, you’ll pursue the conversation (by whatever means) and find a way to make it work for you. If you’re exchanging one too many texts, just ask to meet up/call or something. It works itself out.

75

I would personally reverse the question by taking the word “not” out of the title:

“Is texting / participating in social media a deal breaker for a potential mate?”

To that question I’d say no, not necessarily – someone who uses their smartphone in moderation instead of being wildly obsessed with it may still be a candidate. Of course, if they don’t own a smartphone at all and positively refuse to have anything to do with Facebook and consider Zuckerberg to be the spawn of the devil, then I may have found my soulmate! Especially if they carry a small hammer around! :smiley:

76

This is closer to how I feel but I’m trying to moderate my attitude to “Facebook is fine, just leave me out of it and please don’t expect me to be too texty”.

77

I personally rarely FB - I mostly use it to keep track of my nieces and nephews and as a tool to stay involved with a couple of my more esoteric hobbies.

The thing is, if you’re interested in someone, you adjust your communication style to whatever works best. My mom doesn’t do text or email, so I never text or email her - I call if I want to chat. My siblings and I mix between calls and texts, depending on the deal. My husband and I primarily text. My BFF and I mostly email.

I’d find it weird if someone refused to engage in a method of communication, but one works around personal quirks :slight_smile: I think this is the sort of thing that you just mention in passing when it comes up. Along the lines of “Eh, I don’t really Facebook” or “Calls are a faster way to get in touch with me than texts” or whatever the case may be. There are so very many methods of communication out there that most people have some sort of preference - but preferring one method over others isn’t any weirder than, for example, not being a beer drinker.

78

I appreciate you saying this, and it’s pretty much how I’ve always lived my life. But it’s a bit counter to the responses most people are giving, i.e., someone who is not interested in communicating via text is less desirable because they very much value using that particular tool. It kind of makes me sad that something so minor would be a strike against me but hey, I wanted to know. Also, again, I wouldn’t refuse to *ever *communicate via text ; I’m just not good at it because I’m not really one to check my phone regularly and have only just gotten in the habit of keeping it charged all the time :smack:

79

I preface this by saying I HATE, HATE talking on the phone. HATE. I don’t like the burden of returning calls, either. Which is why I ADORE texting. It’s minimally invasive, I can reply when I want and then it takes very little time. I don’t care for long text exchanges which I make sure people understand, but one or two or even three texts in a row is fine.

It’s so easy and I’m so undemanding that if I were involved with someone with your viewpoint I’d feel like you didn’t care about me very much. Of course, if you’re driving or at an appointment or work, not returning texts is understandable, but if you just didn’t feel like taking twenty seconds to send me a quick text it I’d probably get my feelings hurt. I realize I may not be your target demographic :slight_smile: but I can see others feeling the same way.

80

Well I definitely wouldn’t want to make anyone feel like that, and that would not have occurred to me if you hadn’t said. What if you knew up front they were just . . . *bad *at it? For me it is *not *easy and is kind of time consuming (granted that’s because I don’t do it; I’m sure I’d get proficient with practice). I can totally get how fun or romantic it can be to get little messages from your sweetie (or anyone, for that matter); shoot, didn’t we all grow up slipping notes into one anothers’ lockers? :slight_smile: