Today, the extent to which southerners are mannerly has evolved, as all things do. Some southerners lament what they see as a recent loss to their distinctive approach to etiquette, but this was already the case in 1897, when W. P. Trent wrote in this magazine, “We have seen that the Southerner’s basis of character is a fine one, and that he is becoming, year by year, more thoroughly nationalized.” He explained that “external manners have undoubtedly changed: there is now less suavity, less punctiliousness, less attention to small details, than of old; but this was true of the South of 1860 as compared with that of 1760, and means nothing but progress in the direction of greater freedom and individuality in conformity with the rest of the world.”
Part of the reason could be that more people are moving to the South. In January, I wrote about the disappearing southern drawl, another aspect of the region’s culture that is noticeably changing. I noted that, according to the U.S. census, the South gained more residents than all other regions combined from 2023 to 2024. I also found that the proliferation of the internet has undeniably altered southern culture; young kids are exposed to different behaviors on social media, and their role models aren’t just nannies or teachers or parents—they now come in the form of content creators and online friends.
These factors may be driving the shift in southern manners writ large. I’ve observed a generational difference even in my own family. My sisters still live in Tennessee, and I live in New York City, but none of us spends our days quite like our mother. She will make warm conversation with strangers whenever she possibly can. Living in a big city can often hurry me out of this habit. She’ll fill your plate a second or third time despite your saying you couldn’t possibly have another bite. I offer my guests a glass of wine and whatever nonperishable snack they can scavenge from the pantry. She will listen to a story she has heard hundreds of times with the enthusiasm of it being its first telling.
Minor quibble with @chronos point - I find/found during my time in the South that Southerners can be extremely polite so they can find the box they then fit you in. If the boxes overlap with their boxes, then they remain polite, perhaps more polite than the default neutrality or even brusqueness of the North East. Though sadly, they may only interact in terms of the definitions of said ‘box’. I had a few contacts with people in South Carolina and Texas that defined me as “Jew”, though they were supportive in the way some Christians are in that we are the “chosen people” that will bring the return of Jesus.
If you don’t overlap with their boxes, or they qualify the box as “other/wrong”, then they text to be far LESS polite. Or, maybe polite but absolutely refuse to engage with you other than that surface politeness, no matter your efforts.
YMMV, this is just my experience, and I can’t say that I’ve lived much in the ‘South’ past a half dozen summers (and much more in the Texas panhandle which I’d qualify).
I think I do get “ma’amed” a lot less by the current crop of college students, now that I think of it. (It isn’t really part of my native culture, so I don’t particularly miss it now that it’s on the wane.)
I’ve mentioned before on the Dope about people from the South who are so insistent about how well-mannered and friendly they are, you get the impression they’ll beat the crap out of you if you disagree.*
Having lived in various places around the U.S., I’ve never seen significant regional differences in politeness and gregariousness. Probably it’s because of those durn northerners taking over everywhere.
Maybe true to an extent in big metro areas, but I’d bet southern accents are alive and well elsewhere. It’s not a stereotypical southern accent, but the Kentucky twang is still prevalent in my area, especially if you’re shopping at Rural King.
Whatever this is, it is the opposite of manners, and I would never eat at her table again if she did that to me. Meaning no disrespect to your mother, I imagine this is some version of the way she was raised, but just no.
I can’t comment on southern manners in any other way, I have never been in the south long enough (a couple of business trips back in the day) to have experienced them. I don’t count what I might have experienced from hotel or restaurant people.
It’s cultural. Saying you “couldn’t possibly have another bite” isn’t interpreted as saying you’re actually full, but as actually wanting more. You show you don’t want more by just not eating more.
Personally, I prefer the custom of having the food available and you fill your own plate, asking people to pass you stuff (if the food is on the table), maybe occasionally passing your plate along if lifting the serving dish would be difficult.
I dunnno: Southern Manners have always been a thing to me. A lot of the stuff y’all say explicitly here are things I’d never grow up with. Everyone acts like you’re friends even if you’ve just met, but then you never know if you actually have gotten closer or if it was just idle chitchat, until later.
Yeah, I get that. Does that mean that I’m supposed to sit there and waste a plate full of food because of an over-zealous hostess? I prefer to give other people credit for meaning what they say (e.g. “no, thank you” or “thanks, I’d love some”) and I’d prefer if I were treated the same way. So I guess I’m saying that, if that behavior is one of the ones dying out in the south, I think it’s all to the good.
Um, no. It’s what you say to politely explain why you don’t wan’t to eat anything more. Even if the real reason is that the food or the company is crap.
The person who says “No thank you, I’m full.” to another plate of food is indeed trying to avoid food waste, over eating, or both. And also trying to avoid the implied insult of leaving a partly or completely uneaten plate of food.
Meanwhile the host(ess) is only thinking “More is better, food is love, and anyone saying “no” to me is insulting me.”
Those conflicting approaches are guaranteed to collide badly.
But I can sure see easily which attitude is sensible and which one is stupid. The former is sensible and considers the rational and emotional interests of both parties. The latter is selfish and stupid.
But are they really thinking that (particularly the last bit), or are they (as I suspect) just thinking “Well, at least I offered. Now no one can accuse me of being a bad host.”
No one has suggested telling your host that you dislike their food. One person said that if you didn’t like the food, you can say, “I’m full”. And somehow you ran with that.
I’m on team “don’t put food on the plate unless the guest affirmatively welcomed it”. But that’s not very high on my list of things i worry about, because I’m also comfortable leaving food that i don’t want to eat on the plate, whether i don’t want to eat or because I’m stuffed, or because it’s bad for, or because I’m a fussy eater and don’t care for it despite it being objectively good stuff. But… There are people who feel it’s rude to leave food on the plate, and they are incompatible with people who feel compelled to put extra food on plates.
I try to be polite only because my Granny would rise outta her grave and take me in her sewing room for a little chat)
