Is there a name for this phenomenon? (if it can be called that)

Factual Questions
1

So I’m in the middle of making a few Youtube videos on various topics and there’s something I’ve ALWAYS wanted to talk about that I’ve noticed over and over again among friends.

It’s when, for instance, something is supposedly preferable to a group in public but individually, people privately don’t like it… but they all go along with it anyway because everyone thinks that EVERYONE ELSE enjoys this thing and that THEY would be ruining the activity if they spoke up.

I’m having a hard time putting it into words so here’s an example:

I remember a group of friends and I had a night out coming up, I think for someone’s birthday, where we were going to this dance club. In the 2 weeks before it while hanging out with all these people individually I started to notice something, that EVERY SINGLE ONE admitted privately that they hate night clubs. This included myself. One by one everyone gave their reasons, that you can’t hear each other, you can’t have a decent conversation, they don’t LIKE dance music, there are people obviously on drugs hugging you with their bound to be sweaty faces rubbing on your now wet shirt. (“I payed for this?”)

So I was wondering why everyone was going at all. They all seemed to think that EVERYONE ELSE loves nightclubs, like it’s a given that this is a preferable activity and THEY didn’t want to be the one to say they didn’t like it. I mean if everyone else DID like it then they’d always have in their minds “but they don’t… and we’ve forced them to come along”. So we had a situation where each individual in that group hated the activity yet thought they were the only one who hated it so kept quiet. I’ve noticed this with other things in life too, and I imagine it happens way more often than we realize, where people go along with the “group” (what they imagine is the group) things because they just think it’s what everyone else wants to do, but then if you asked each individual they’d rather do something else and realize that nobody in that group wants to be there.

What ended up happening with this group, when my birthday was coming up, (and they asked what club we were going to) was I decided to ask them if they wanted to just have a quiet night playing videogames, watching movies, getting drunk in one of our homes instead. They all happily agreed and we had a really nice night which quickly became our weekend routine.

Anyway, is there a name for this?

I’m sure it’s something really simple, like just not wanting to be the person to risk standing out in the group but it’s the specific situation where EVERYONE in the group goes along with an activity mistakenly thinking everyone ELSE enjoys it when nobody does. Just curious if there’s a term or if it’s been studied at all? I thought this would be the best place to ask. If it has been studied I’d love to know how big these groups can get!

Thanks!

2

Normative conformity comes the closest I can think of.

3

Wow, that’s pretty spot on. Thanks.

I almost wrote a paragraph about elections and politics but didn’t want to risk, you know, rage. I’ll do some reading on this, it’s so interesting, especially the concept that it affects people with low self esteem.

I still welcome other responses, if anyone has anything even more specific than this? Like regarding whole groups doing this rather than individuals.

4

There’s also the Abilene Paradox.

5

My own pet name for this is “The Pizza Problem”.

When you are ordering pizza for a group of people, the combination of preferences will lead to the ordering of pizzas with toppings that no one in the group will enjoy.

6

That said, people will also lie about their preferences in a one-on-one situation where there is no cost to do so because there’s no cost. So even if I like nightclubs, I might sympathize with your complaints and not bother to bring up that for me, the problems are worth it.

7

See, in the situations I’ve been in, it’s always been least common denominator. Usually something like half-cheese, half-sausage or half-pepperoni. Maybe few people get their first choice of toppings, but everyone can find something they like.

8

The phenomenon described is the basis for about 90% of sitcom episodes.

My pizza experience is that everyone except me insists they want a supreme combo, while I want pepperoni. So lots of supreme gets ordered and there’s always some left over, while not enough pepperoni is ordered and it runs out. Why? Because all those who fervently insist they want supreme eat as much pepperoni as supreme, whereas I don’t eat supreme because I basically hate it.

9

Thanks for the replies. The Abilene Paradox seems to describe the situation exactly. The important, interesting part for me was the fact that everyone in the group thinks THEY are the only one who isn’t interested in doing whatever they’re doing when everyone thinks the same as them. I bet there are situations where this happens and someone DOES speak up but because nobody wants to say “me too” the group continues on.

To be honest I’m surprised that there’s a name for it. I was half expecting to get some vague guesses/half similar concepts but normative conformity and the Abilene Paradox are exactly what I was looking for, thanks!

Of course keep posting if you have any more thoughts or personal examples where this has happened to you. I’ve never experienced the pizza thing, my friends are pretty boring half plain half pepperoni eaters. If I was in that situation I’d probably just use it as an excuse to get a whole pepperoni pizza to myself.

By the way Ludovic, do you happen to remember where you first heard of this paradox and Alley Dweller where you heard of normative conformity? (I’m curious as to whether it’s from a specific book that I could benefit from reading.)

10

The emperor has no clothes. People don’t want to be the first one to point out a negative in a case like this because they don’t want to be the only one running against the crowd. If they turn out to be the only one they get painted with the negativity themselves. Some of us are contrarians and don’t have this problem, but once you have that reputation the others may not admit to their misgivings even when you point it out because they don’t wanted to be painted as contrarian.

11

This was my first thought as well, although I’d heard it called “The Road to Abilene”.

You didn’t ask me, but the first time I heard the term was in an MBA management class when I was in my mid 30s. I don’t recall if it was in the text we were using or if the instructor just relayed it in lecture.

12

Yes the first I thought of as well; in fact I was just searching for the original video just last week. (The Road to Abilene looks like it’s a musical act as well - look for the Abilene Paradox).

The company that produces the video will sell a DVD of it to you, for a nice $995 (no, I’m forgetting a decimal point). They’ll show you a 45-second preview, the first 40 seconds of which are FBI warnings and the credits… useless.

13

I think where I first saw it was in a psychology textbook in the mid-90s. It definitely has that overly-embellished-to-the-point-of-inaptness that seems common to me in psychology. What sticks in my craw about the specific anecdote is that only the hotness and time was mentioned beforehand as reasons people didn’t want to go to Abilene. The dusty roads could have been predicted but were not mentioned beforehand, and no one could have predicted that the restaurant would have been bad.

14

Probably in a Social Psychology course in college.

If you’re curious about these general sorts of phenomena, books on social psychology might be a place to start.

15

Don’t forget “Herd Mentality.”

16

I was going to say it was a type of “groupthink,” which I guess it is, but it seems that that isn’t as specific as “The Abilene Paradox,” which is a special type of groupthink. The prime example of groupthink in all the textbooks is The Bay of Pigs disaster.

17

Bolding mine. I see you’ve never actually visited Abilene. :slight_smile: